I think that I found out the answer to my envious women dilemma. Last night I was reading from Alice Miller - The Drama of The Gifted Child.
In the chapter on Grandiosity and Depression I found the following:
As a consequence of the emotions that arose in Barbara
through therapy, this picture of her mother changed. Above
all, when memories of toilet-training entered her consciousness,
she experienced her mother as demanding, controlling,
manipulative, cold, petty, obsessive, easily offended,
and hard to please. Many subsequent childhood memories
of her mother confirmed these characteristics. Barbara was
then able to connect with the real reasons for her long suppressed
anger and to discover what her mother was
really like. She realized that when her mother had felt insecure
in relation to her, she had in fact often been cold and
had treated her badly. The mother's anxious concern for the
child had served to ward off her aggression and envy. Since
the mother had often been humiliated as a child, she
needed to be valued by her daughter.
Barbara experienced in therapy for the first time the
agonizing fear and rage she had had to repress when she was
ten years old and came home from school on her mother's
birthday to find her lying on the floor with closed eyes. The
child cried out, thinking her mother was dead. The mother
then opened her eyes and said, delighted, "You gave me the
most precious birthday gift. Now I know that you love me,
that somebody loves me." For decades pity and compassion
hindered Barbara from realizing the cruelty with which she
had been treated. Triggered by a later event, this memory
could finally emerge, accompanied by feelings of rage and
indignation.
Wow-- what happens for me when an insecure and envious woman like N saint, crosses my path is a process just like the one described by Alice Miller.
(This is a lot to follow as the truth is rarely so cut and dry or black and white)
N saint accused me of being envious of her. Through repare therapy from her bad therapy I discovered that was HER projection.
Last summer,while under distress, trying to understand why N saint had dismissed me or shunned me, in my confusion, I actually went to my current therapist and told her that I was the envious one and that it WAS ALL MY FAULT. But that half truth or erroneous belief created intense distress and further confusion in me. Eventually, others, who knew me, told me that I was not the envious one but that I was buying N saints lie, which was causing the distress and confusion. My new spiritual director also helped me to see this truth.
Also, because N saint was taking my friends, reputation, ideas, as well as my ministry I was feeling aroused envy leading me to further confusion. However, I was not acting on my feelings, that is the difference between N saint and me. My feelings of envy were not pathological or driving me, my feelings of envy were more in defense. The only thing she had that I wanted was my own charity or ministry, which she was and is trying to steal. I recently read somewhere that "envy steals charity."
She realized that when her mother had felt insecure
in relation to her she had in fact often been cold and
had treated her badly. The mother's anxious concern for the
child had served to ward off her aggression and envy.
MORE CLUES:
When we first started working together N Saint used to worry, excessively, about me which I found to be strange. Worry does not equate love.
One of my confrontations to her this past summer was that she was emotionally "cold."
Another confrontation to her was that I felt humiliated after sessions with her and could not put my finger on why.
N saint was cold, envious, aggressive, and threatend by me. Facts.
She triggered my rage and hatred for my mom. But now I am at a deep level of more anger and indignation at N saints and my mom's betrayal.
This is why I attract envious women; my subconscious is trying to work out THIS story, rewrite the pain of losing myself to conform to my mom expectations so that I could be the love my mom was always seeking, twisted.
"she needed to be valued by her daughter."
N saint needed to be valued by me, when I confronted her it pushed her buttons -- I was nothing but a loss of N supply to N saint that is why she shunned me or dismissed me like dirt under the heel of her shoe.
Clarity feels so freeing.
Now I'm going to get busy healing this one and looking at what happened with N mom that I did not want to happen and how I can mourn the loss of genuine love and loss of true self -- ouch, I can feel this surgery is going to hurt.
Lise
