If the N parent called us defective-HOW do we know that they weren't right?

[Ami]

My Question (above) stands on it's own as a serious question(even though it sounds "funny").HOW do we know that WHAT we were "told " is NOT right?                                Ami

[teartracks]

Ami,

My experience says, We don't!  Not until or if there is a point at which we see the light and step off the wallpaper they painted us onto in their fantasy kingdom.

Each step of the way after that is hard.  The  acknowledging that the experience left us  troubled, warped, and emotionally deformed.   Giving ourself permission to accept, yes, that is me.  This is where I am. 
Equally hard is finding resources that speak to our particular nature, our level of victimhood, the way we heal most effectively, the time involved, the nay sayers, and on and on.  It's a lonely path indeed. 

You dear child have the King of the Universe on your side.  His eye is on the sparrow... 

I've gathered hope many times here for the next leg of the journey.

Love,

tt

[Leah]

It's a lonely path indeed.   ..... but worth every step along the way.

You dear child have the King of the Universe on your side.  His eye is on the sparrow... 


So true ((((((( Ami ))))))))

Leah x

[Ami]

I have a new concept ,in my mind , called "slots". When I had better mental health, I think that I used it,but never really looked at it.
 For me, I have just made a peace about having "bad" thoughts. My peace is that everyone has "bad " thoughts(selfishness,self centeredness etc),so I put them in a slot ,when they come in to my mind. I don't need to keep deciding whether or not *I* am bad for having them. They just go in to their own "bin" and I leave them there. That is what I mean by "slots".
  I did this with values ,too. My M says that there is NO right or wrong,it is only your OWN interpretation of right and wrong(if you know what I mean). Anyway, she used to ridicule me for having and wanting to have values.
  So, I put MY values in a slot and have them there,when I need them. I don't have to keep figuring out "what" ARE my values , what are hers ,etc. I defined my own and put them away, as "completed(or basically completed)
  So, as I heal, I take scattered parts and face them, erase the NM part, redefine them and put them away(in a "slot") .
   My next topic slated for the slot  is whether I am REALLY defective or it was just BS from my NM(lol)        Ami

[Leah]

I don't have to keep figuring out "what" ARE my values , what are hers ,etc. I defined my own and put them away, as "completed(or basically completed)

Dear Ami,

What stands out to me is that you only need ascertain and live by YOUR own values.

The values of another person (your NM for example) belongs them -- it is their ownership of their values.

Love, Leah

[Overcomer]

Don't you know that an N only compliments themselves or you IF you do exactly what they want.  If you have a back bone at all you are BAD.....

No, their perception is skewed...............they are NOT RIGHT!

[Ami]

Yes, Leah, but my problem is that I have been all enmeshed with her---emotionally, intellectually, values and every other way--BLEH.
Thank you for your many kind posts to me ,Leah.              Love   Ami

[Leah]

You are most welcome ((( Ami )))

Enmeshed and Intrusiveness are so deeply entrenching, I do understand.

Love, leah

[Ami]

Thank you,Kelly. Could you elaborate with examples, if you care to. I know that we do discuss this a lot ,but I would love to hear some  more of your experiences,with being 'called" defective when you have a backbone.              Ami

[Leah]

Don't you know that an N only compliments themselves or you IF you do exactly what they want.

If you have a back bone at all you are BAD.....

True words ....... spoken in ...... truth!

Leah x

[Ami]

 My M told me that values didn't matter, as I have said. She said that it was "stupid". My GM told me that old fashioned values mattered,also, character mattered.
  So,now *I* have to put my OWN concepts in to my own slots. They are that character DOES matter and old fashioned values do matter.My GM valued internal strength, courage, integrity, and   the rest of the "old fashioned "values.
 So,I need to put them all away and go on.       Ami

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Ami,

This is just an aside to your posts here, because I think you're on exactly the right track with what you're saying...

but I have been away from my parents physically and emotionally (for the most part) for 8 years now, much of which time was spent in a sort of "holding pattern", and yet... they haven't had the regular input into my life that you seem to be having with your family.

What I'm trying to say is - - all that you're trying to accomplish would be so much easier, I think, if you didn't have so many, regular reminders of them and their ways... (phone calls, etc.)  Doesn't that keep you in a constant state of turmoil? It would me, anyway... even picking up their stuff from the mailbox has its effect, although I don't open it for ages. Just some thoughts.

Carolyn

[Overcomer]

Like when I get so pissed off by her constant poking and proding and intrusiveness and then wren I blow up she tells everyone to look how unstable I am or worse she suggests I get counseling.

[Leah]

Like when I get so pissed off by her constant poking and proding and intrusiveness and then wren I blow up she tells everyone to look how unstable I am or worse she suggests I get counseling.

Goaded and Baited springs to mind .............. then afterward,    "hey, look .... see what I mean?!"   

the Goading and Baiting is done behind the scenes, in solitary situations ............ so no-one has a clue what preceded.        Classic.

[Overcomer]

Oh yes-in rooms all by ourselves.  That is why I only talk to her with an audience-never alone-not safe.