What about us? - recommended reading

[DailyMail]

I had asked this on my old forum and would love feedback from you, especially since so many of you seem to have done so much reading/research in your own recoveries.

I no longer want to read or learn more about N's, how they came to be, why they do what they do, what impacts they have on their children/spouses.

What I most want is a book to read that understands that impact, but is full of detangling, unpretzeling and useful strategies of getting, Ok maybe not "back to normal", but back to healthy?  It seems the lasting effect that N's have on us, even those of us who had relatively healthy childhoods, is incredible and requires some real effort at getting through/over.


I'm wanting to step up my own recovery another notch or two.

[teartracks]

Hi DailyMail,

Do you have any suggestions from your storehouse?

tt

[DailyMail]

Well I don't have a storehouse.  I read Vaknin's book over a year ago, it seemed to be the only kick start I needed, and since then my energy has been in that whole  "putting one foot in front of the other" process.  But that's not what I want now.

I attended a workshop for therapists who might be working with co-N's, during which Trapped in the Mirror was recommended, but I haven't found it in any bookstores (I'll have to order it).  I also have been to one session with the medical doctor/therapist who gave the workshop, and will go to my 2nd session with him tonight.  He also recommended People of the Lie to me which I read (and I'm not sure what I think about that book, but it wasn't what I want either).

So I apologize, I don't have anything to recommend.  I'm hoping others do though.

You?

[Iphi]

I liked Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown.  My N-spot perfectionist traits cringed sometimes in the reading of it because the book needed a more perfectionistic copy editor, but I felt it had good information.  And just being spoken to directly - so validating.

Also I recently got a lot out of Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor Payson, which has chapters on recovery for children and mates.  What I particularly valued in the Oz book was her breakdown of narcissist behavior traits.  It was so succinct and clarifying - she really got the essence of aspects that I struggled with (and within) for years, such as the double-bind construction of everything.

I also loved this article by Alan Rappaport about how we 'accommodate' to narcissists:

http://www.alanrappoport.com/Co-Narcissism%20Article.pdf#search=%27CoNarcissism:%20How%20We%20Accommodate%20to%20Narcissistic%27

There are a number of enjoyable blogs out there.  Someone here posted a link to Narcissists Suck some time ago, which I read all the time now.  I like Kathy Krajco's blog too.  Both bloggers mentioned are real fire eaters and that always makes me smile.

The book that put me on the learning path was The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment by Stephanie and Robert Pressman.  The book is geared toward therapists, but I plucked it off the bookstore shelf because I was looking for information about being 'parentified.'  It gave me the first insight into the dynamic of the family flowing backward toward the parents; it was us.

Yahoo! has several groups on narcissism. I read one where the owner completely focuses on recovery for adult children.  She posts helpful articles and links often:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/AdultsRecoveringFrom-NarcissiticParents/

[DailyMail]

Iphi,

thats useful, thank you.  Maybe I need to go to the central library and just photocopy the chapters I need on recovery/unpretzeling.

I'm familiar with Alan Rappaport's online articles, I read the one RIGHT before the therapist workshop I attended and gone back to review it a number of times since then.

I have this feeling in my body a jump forward is about to happen shortly in my little slice of the universe.

This place helps in that area.

so thank you

[dandylife]

http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=7200.0

I hope that link shows up. (not proficient at this yet!) Over on the What Helps section of the board, there is a topic called Books Listing that Leah started with recommended books. You might want to take a look at that.

Specifically what helped me in the process of untangling is:

Narcicissm and Intimacy by Marion F. Solomon

and

Passionate Marriage by Dr. David Schnarch

I think both above books (though they have different angles on the topic) present "healthy" models of relationships and what might work better than what you are doing now. Both go deep and give actual steps to take to improve and also how to deal with the process that occurs when one partner changes and the other then goes into shock because the system is no longer in place.

You're right - the other books out there seem to focus on recognizing traits of N's - recognizing abuse, etc. But these specifically focus on how to change.

If you want a great practical guide to improving communication skills, I recommend Taking the War out of our Words by Sharon Ellison. Improving communication goes a long way towards changing the dynamic in a relationship.

Dandylife

[DailyMail]

thank you
I did quickly skim through the books in the What Helps section
but didnt see any specifically for the unpretzeling I'm looking for

I suppose I should have started this thread there though

(next time)