Author Topic: Hi...I'm another newbie here  (Read 3298 times)

Barbie

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Hi...I'm another newbie here
« on: July 23, 2004, 05:00:25 PM »
Hi all.  I posted earlier on another thread but thought I would do as Patsy did and start a thread kinda introducing myself and giving you a little background as to why I've registered here.

I am 54 years old and I have two children, 29 year old daughter and 30 year old son.  How time flies.  I never thought I would be saying my kid is 30.  I also have three granddaughters, ages 12, 7 and soon to be 6 mos.

I am currently taking paxil and have been for the last four years.  I am also a diabetic and have been, again, for the last four years.  I am divorced but my ex lives with me.  We haven't resumed our relationship but are companions.  We were married for 14 years, apart for 10 years and back together the past 6 years.  We both love our children and grandchildren very much and our homelife is pretty good.

I am currently on SS disability due to my mental health.  I was diagnosed as agarophic, PTSD and anxiety.  Prior to taking paxil, I was in a living hell due to the anxiety and irritability, however, since getting on the meds, I have been able to enjoy a relatively good life.

At first, I was scared to take the paxil because I had never been on an anti depressant but after much thought and prayer, I put it in God's hands and on the day I was to start the meds, I sat there looking at that little pill for a few minutes.  Before I knew it, I was standing with a glass of water and down went the pill.  It took about a month for it to take effect but since that time, I have been feeling the way I should.  Happy to greet a new day and enjoying my grandchildren.  Since my daughter lives just down the road from me, my granddaughters, the two oldest, are here with me and their grandfather constantly and how I love them and enjoy their company.

I don't know when my anxiety attacks started but I do remember one particular incident, I don't know how old I was, but it felt like I couldn't breathe.  The next one I remember was when I was 21 and a really weird feeling just washed over me.  It didn't last very long but I still remember that moment.

After that, I had feelings of dread and anxiety periodically and even attempted to self medicate by drinking.  That didn't work so I quit.  Over the years, I have taken valium but four years ago, the doc wouldn't prescribe any more and instead suggested I go to Mental Health.  That was the best advice ever because that was when I started the paxil.

I don't know what precipitated my anxiety but I'm beginning to see that it was probably my mother.  Narcissism is a popular term these days, I've noticed, and I honestly believe this is what my mother is.

My mother is 76 years old.  She lives alone as my father died in 1999.  I've been reading about narcissism on internet and it's as if whoever wrote the article knew my mother personally.

I am still reading and studying everything I can to understand her better and myself also.  At this point, I am not speaking with her because everytime I associate with her, I end of feeling horrible.  She is manipulative and hurtful to everybody and while I feel terrible that I am not speaking to her, I also feel my mental health comes first.

Well, hope I didn't overdo introducing myself, lol, but I do look forward to reading your posts.  I found this site by accident and read the first post and thought " hey, that sounds like me."  So here I am and I hope to meet each of you and hope that we can help each other.

Thank you.

Anonymous

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Hi...I'm another newbie here
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2004, 06:02:22 PM »
Welcome Barbie!

Karen

les

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Hi...I'm another newbie here
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2004, 06:46:29 PM »
Greetings Barbie - from another 54 year old just discovering how deeply my "Nmother" as they are sometimes referred to here, affected me.  

I have felt confused for years and years, still do actually, but the clarity I've gained in the last month from the folks here has been extraordinary.  It sure helps to understand what you are up against.  

You didn't overdo your introduction at all. I think there is much good will and tolerance here so type away.  It's good to get it out. For me my story is coming out in bits and pieces as I work through it.

So glad you are able to carve out space away from your mother.  This is such a good start.  I wish I'd done it years ago when my mother was younger. (She's 91) But now I'm working on strong boundaries and lots and lots of head space and  physical space when I am with her.

My mother is a "widow" too. It's one of the many many devices she has to guilt trip me.  Boy it would be great to release that guilt - it really is so destructive.  You said it  -your mental health DOES come first!!

Les

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Hi...I'm another newbie here
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2004, 04:09:46 AM »
Dear Karen and Les, thank you so much for the welcome.  I really appreciate that.

I've always thought that I was the only person with a mother like mine but more and more, I am reading about people who have mothers very similar to my mother.

My mother raised me with guilt.  Everything was, don't do that or this will happen to you.  My sister and I were discussing this one day, she is 52, and I was telling her about this and she said, "I know what you mean, for instance if I was looking at this ketchup bottle, she would say, "don't look at that bottle too long or you will start seeing red and it won't clear up."  What a thing to tell your child.

I was never beaten or spanked by my mom.  Instead, she abused me verbally and emotionally.  If she perceived that I had done something wrong, she would rant and rave and go on and on and on until my father made her stop.

She also plays her daughters against each other.  She will talk about one sister and say all sorts of horrid things and in the next minute, she's at that particular sisters house acting all nice.  I finally told her, right before I stopped talking to her, that I did not want to hear one bad word about my sisters.  She had no response to my comment.

She also acts like her home is a museum and when her great grandchildren and grandchildren visit, they must sit perfectly still in front of the television.

There is lot more that she has done all my days and even up to today but I guess I'll stop here.  

Later

Michelle

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Hi...I'm another newbie here
« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2004, 11:54:56 AM »
Welcome to the board Barbie -

I'm glad you found what has become a refuge to most of us here and hope that it will be that for you too.  

I look forward to hearing your voice on the board.

Hugs,
Michelle
Healing one day at a time.....

Anonymous

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Hi...I'm another newbie here
« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2004, 03:44:14 PM »
Oh thank you, Michelle, for your welcome.  Yes, I can see this board is a refuge and I am so glad I have found it.

My family will be very glad too, LOL, because as supportive as they are of me, my constant analyzing of my mother is probably boring them.

I have only one daughter and she has been my emotional support.  She has been so great that I often tell her, "what did I ever do to deserve a wonderful daughter like yourself."  She lives down the road from me and so her children, my granddaughters are here 24-7.  They are free to make a mess in my house, no rantings and ravings, but they also understand that they also have to clean their mess up.  It's worked out very well.

I guess my goal is to do things differently from my mother and I strive to be unlike her.  My mother isn't a complete beast, comes pretty close though LOL, because there are times when she actually has good advice.  But she is the type of person if she is complimented, she takes it as her cue to move in and take over on your entire life.  It's very hard to compliment her to her face because she really does see it as an invitation to begin her manipulations.

Anyway, I am so very glad I found this site.  I can sit here and vent and know that somebody is experiencing or has experienced something similar and can maybe give me some advice on how to handle something.

There is one last thing I would like to mention.  I am Native American and was very surprised to learn there are Non-Indian women who act just like my mother.

Again, thank you for the welcome, Michelle.

Barbie

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Hi...I'm another newbie here
« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2004, 03:52:58 PM »
I keep logging in as guest, so I'm trying to fix it.  This is a test.

Barbie

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Hi...I'm another newbie here
« Reply #7 on: July 24, 2004, 03:53:49 PM »
I don't know what I did but it worked.  LOL

Barb

les

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Hi...I'm another newbie here
« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2004, 09:54:24 AM »
Hi Barbie

I wanted to talk a little more about these mothers!  With the hard work of the board here telling me to "accept" what is; pointing out that these N mothers don't change; the importance of setting up good sturdy boundaries to protect yourself, I feel like I'm coming round a bit! Hope you are too!

Your description of your M's non-feeling ways really sent a chill. This seems to be part of N. As a child  I remember my mother telling me proudly that she had butted out her cigarettes in my father's arm because she was mad at him.  Unfortunately I am full of these stories of sadistic behaviour.  

I, like you, tried to be as different from my mother as possible when I raised my children. I might have over done it a bit!

I was intrigued by your comment about being Native American and thinking the white women wouldn't be narcissistic like this! ( it's been awhile since I read your post - sorry if I got that  wrong) Actually my greatgrandmother  was Native American ( something I'm proud of - I look quite a bit like her) Her white husband died and she had 3 little kids to raise. She instructed them to call her "sis" always, for the rest of her life, so she would be more marketable - understandable in those times.(she was my mother's grandmother but my mother was told to call her aunty) Since then it looks like people haven't known their "roles" in my family -some confusion got passed down - not blaming her at all,  just seeing how these patterns repeat and get magnified sometimes. My mother is extremely proud of pictures where she looks like a sibling not a mother - and at times she has looked younger then her own tortured daughters!

Who is the sickest? -That's a game we play too.  At 91 my m has earned the right to have problems for sure but she always holds the trump card. My sister had breast cancer - my mother dragged out her own cancer surgery from 15 years before and went into this intense competition with her own daughter. Sick alright!!! They just can't bear to share the spotlight, must be centre stage.

Hope you are doing ok Barbie. Does your mother ever visit you and your children or are you taking a big break from it all?

Les

Barbie

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Hi...I'm another newbie here
« Reply #9 on: July 27, 2004, 11:48:12 PM »
Hi Les.  So good to hear from you.  I was prepared to take a very long break from my mother, the last one was for one year and I loved it.  But anyway, my sister called me last night and said she got a large check from her insurance and said she wanted to give me some money if I would go to the casino with her.  She was also going to give our other sister some money to come along with us but couldn't find her.

Anyway, to make a long story short, she said since we didn't have a ride, we would be going with dear old mother who has a vehicle.

I felt kind of sick but the urge to play penny keno won out and we went with her.  She acted like nothing ever happened and just visited.  She still had all her weird little ways but I pretty much ignored it and made the best of it.  I didn't win, by the way.  LOL   Oh well, next time.

Something you said is so true and I thought my mother was the only one in the world who acted like this.  She has to be the sickest one of all.  I don't know if I told you but she is an hypochondriac.  If somebody else is sick, she acts like she's jealous and will tell you all about her similar illness.

Something really funny happened one time.  My sister and I were once again discussing her hypochondia and my sister said "I suppose if you say it was your *** **** that hurt, she would say hers hurt too."  We laughed and laughed so one day, she and my sister came to visit and I told them about a certain pain and my mother started her stories about her similar and worse pains.  I remembered what my sister had said so I said "and you know what, my ass really hurts too." and my mom had this serious face and responded "yeah, mine too but I had the doctor check it out and he's going to be doing more tests on me next week."  LOLOLOL

Things like that are funny but my childhood was anything but funny.  If it wasn't for my Dad, I would have probably been berated to death.

I often wonder what kind of a childhood she had and why she feels so guilty all the time.  I also wonder why she has the need to copy.  And when she copies, hers has to be the best.

Before I go, I just want to say I am glad you are part Native American.  I am Sioux and very proud of it.  I speak my language fluently and am just about as Indian as you could get.  Anyway, I am so happy to meet you.

I feel like I haven't really told all about my mother but believe me, there is more and it bugs me.  Although I've started talking to her since last night, I plan to continue to keep my distance from her.  Believe me, it's the very best thing that I can do for myself.

Toksha Ah-keh (until later)

les

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Hi...I'm another newbie here
« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2004, 05:43:22 PM »
Oh I love that strategy - a problem with an 'unmentionable"' part of your body!  So funny and sad! So the doctor is going to do more tests on hers next week.  Oh boy.  Some people just don't have much to give.  Seems like they have a slow leak somewhere and you just can't fill them up.

I think I am what they call a "wanna be" -refering to my Native heritage. It's a stretch really but I feel more connected to it than other parts of my heritage.  My great grandmother was Shawnee. I've only learned about this fairly recently actually and hope to learn more. Now I know why I always got to play "the Indian" in school plays - great black braids back then! I'm curious to know more about your, (as you said)  "as Indian as you can get" way of life.

Took my mother shopping today. Maybe all this venting is working. I wasn't quite as wound up in a tight ball as I usually am.

Well since I don't know any Shawnee, perhaps I can borrow your sign off if you don't mind

Toksha Ah-keh

Barbie

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Hi...I'm another newbie here
« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2004, 03:47:36 AM »
Quote from: les
Oh I love that strategy - a problem with an 'unmentionable"' part of your body!  So funny and sad! So the doctor is going to do more tests on hers next week.  Oh boy.  Some people just don't have much to give.  Seems like they have a slow leak somewhere and you just can't fill them up.

I think I am what they call a "wanna be" -refering to my Native heritage. It's a stretch really but I feel more connected to it than other parts of my heritage.  My great grandmother was Shawnee. I've only learned about this fairly recently actually and hope to learn more. Now I know why I always got to play "the Indian" in school plays - great black braids back then! I'm curious to know more about your, (as you said)  "as Indian as you can get" way of life.

Took my mother shopping today. Maybe all this venting is working. I wasn't quite as wound up in a tight ball as I usually am.

Well since I don't know any Shawnee, perhaps I can borrow your sign off if you don't mind

Toksha Ah-keh


Hi les.  So glad to hear from you.  That is really cool that you are part Shawnee.  I don't know too much about the tribe but I think they're in Oklahoma.  Don't call yourself a wannabe.  You have native blood running through your veins and you are Shawnee as far as I'm concerned.

I'm glad you felt better taking your mother shopping.  I do think it's helping to vent because I don't feel as hostile to my mother as I usually do.  I'm sure putting my feelings down in black & white is helping.  As opposed to thinking about it and fuming about it.  Or telling my family members how she is bugging the heck out of me.

Well, let's see.  When I said I'm as Indian as you could get, I really meant it.  I was born to a full blood Sioux father and an almost full blood Sioux mother.  My mother's father was half English.  This really poses a lot of problem for her because she was illigitimate and back in those days, that was a very bad thing.  I sometimes wonder if this is where her problems started.

When I started talking, my first language was Lakota or Sioux.  I didn't start speaking English until I was five and I took to it like a duck takes to water.  lol  I could now be mouthy in two languages.  hehheh

Anyway, my way of life is modern, as you can see I am on the net lol, but very Lakota (Sioux) oriented.  My granddaughter dances at all our pow-wows, my family participates in sundances, some sing at the drum, etc. etc.  A lot of our traditions are a lot different from the non Indian world and of course, there are the similarities.  We have young people in baggy clothes listening to rap, etc. etc.

I love my culture very much and when I was young, I lived in NJ for a while and then went to BYU for a couple years.  After that I got married and lived in Denver for a while but didn't want to worry about my children constantly so we moved back to the rez.

My parents lived here all their lives and with both of them working, they were able to do very well for themselves.

I and all my sisters have also done very well, in spite of Mother, but she has never appreciated us.  I'm not kidding.  I was the Personnel Director for my tribe for 21 years until I said "I can't do this anymore" and retired.  I also served on our Tribal Council for one term way back in 1982,

The next sister has worked for the US govt. for the past 29 years, the next sister worked in fiscal management and was the comptroller for our casino.  She quit too due to dirty politics and corruption which she could not take anymore.  She now works for a women's shelter called Cangleshka.  The fourth sister is a Social Worker for the state and was a past judge in our juvenile court.  The last sister was in the Army and is presently in Colorado where her husband was recently transferred.  They have been all over the world, lucky things.

So as you can see, we have all accomplished something in our lives but our mother will never say a good word about any of that to us.  If she wants to brag to her friends, she will say something but it's more in the tone of "this is what my kids are doing and what have yours ever done."

So embarrasing.  She does have a niece that she favors above all of us and this has always been a bone of contention with the three younger sisters.  This niece is a professonal shoplifter and drug dealer and will bring my mother expensive gifts that she stole.  When she does that, my mother oohs and aahs over the gifts and doesn't say a word about our gifts.  Not that our gifts are pitiful or anything.  In fact, we use to all compete to give her the best gift.  Nobody does that anymore and she complains but I know I turn a deaf ear to her.  BTW, the druggie niece and my mother are on the outs right now because of some argument they had.  But I've removed myself from all that so it doesn't bother me.

Gee, am I writing a book or what?  I'd better stop here.  But I just want to say again about how glad I am to have found this site.  I honestly believe the few days I've been venting has helped me so much.

Yes, you are very welcome to use the sign off in Lakota.

Toksha Ah-keh