Coming out of "shock"

[Leah]

Hi ((( Ami )))

Did you find out the name of that book? 

Genuinely interested, thanks.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

No Leah, I feel funny calling him again, so I will have to wait for a little while and then I will. Thanks for all your kindness to me, Leah.
                Love    Ami

[Leah]

Dear ((( Ami )))

Oh, that's okay, whenever you have the title and author, just post it up. 

Thank you, for your kindness and thoughtfulness, sincerely.

Love, Leah

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((Ami))))))))))
Now that I can sit for a second, I wanted to say I am both happy and sad that you are in this new stage of grief. Before you seemed so robotic (the shock) and now we can hear your true agony. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are taking care of yourself and managing to work through the waves of pain.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
  One of my 3D friends said the same thing about my being "robotic" or s'/thing like that and she was "glad" to see me feeliing pain.She was worried about me that I did not seem "right" I just talked to Ann,my counselor, and she said s/thing really "dumb", I just realized.
  She said I had "excessive grief". I realized that that is "plain dumb."(lol) I JUST came out of shock after 5 weeks, really and truly. I feel like I have been run over by a truck and I have a literal weight , my heart, like my heart is breaking.
 I feel a wall of pain is attached to me.
 Ann can be "dumb" at times, but as long as I can talk about it with her, it is OK. She doesn't have to be perfect , as long as we can be honest with each other and she respects me, and apologizes when she "violates' me, like she kind of just did(lol)
 I should put this on the thread where Besee talks about therapists abusing you.
 This is the second time that Ann did not have good sense, but it is OK, as long as I trust myself and talk about it with her.
   Beth, I really can't describe a pain that is so deep that you CAN'T cry,very much. I never had it before.
  I was always very close to Scott  as a person. We had the same sense of humor, read the same books, enjoyed going places together, could talk about anything. It is a loss on SO many levels and I don't know when I will ever be "normal", really.
GS,my "human" angel, tells me that it will take a year to feel "normal".
 Thanks so much,Beth, for your post. The board is such a wonderful place for me b/c we all understand N's and the impact of N's on us .This impact effects all of life and all of our being.
  Whatever happens,such as this tragedy,I still am "living " it out OVER my original wounding by an N, so my grief is that of an already wounded D of an N,so it is unique from a person who was not wounded by an NM, from the beginning.
 Thanks so much,Beth. You have been so kind to me!          Love    Ami

[hardtotrust]

Ami,

I am still reading your posts, thinking, trying to assimilate.

All I can say right now is that I am listening to you and I'll keep doing that.

Hope I can send you at least a small portion of all the love you have been giving us all the time here.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ami)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Ami]

Oh Hardtotrust,
 Your post was such "food" for my heart. It really was such a comfort ,when I really,really needed it.Thank you so much.
    Love  Ami

[ann3]

ami,

The grief you feel is really normal.  I know the feeling of a truck sitting on top of your heart.  I also know what it's like to have grief and the original N wound.  So much pain and we try to process all the thoughts, grief and pain.  I get the feeling your not in favor of counseling, but grief counseling can help.  What's good about Grief counselers is that they don't judge you on your grief, they just listen and help you learn how to sooth yourself.  IMO, not all counselers are nut jobs, some are and some aren't.  The trick is to find the one that's right for you.  I know Ann is helping you, but please don't try to process your grief all alone.  I always try to get expert help wherevr I can.  Sometimes they're good and sometimes not.  Life is a winding path.  To get from point A to point B, we sometimes has to cover the entire alphabet.  I hope you feel better. 

with love.

[Ami]

Maybe I should get grief counseling.I think I will, Ann. I do need s/one who understands this specific process.!  Thanks Ann for your help and wisdom,
                             Love   Ami

[Overcomer]

Am-today I ran into a woman whose H cheated on her-left her for another woman and just drug her through the mill.  Then just as they were trying to reconcile a brick fell off the house on his head and he died.  I told her I was sorry for the things that had happened to her and she told me some days it is hard to get out of bed.  She says she cannot believe what the last three years has been and if someone would have told her she would have never believed it.  Same with you-that surreal place.

[Overcomer]

You are living a bad dream.  Probably a dream you wish you could wake up from.  My heart holds you and my friend up.  It makes me embarrassed to complain about my life.  It is really ok compared to what happens to people on a daily basis.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  I just spoke to a lady at the local group for parents who have lost children. She said that what I am experiencing is totally "normal" and I am  relieved. My M and H keep telling me that I should go to a doctor b/c maybe I have s'thing wrong with me and it is scaring me more--bleh.
 This lady told me that it is normal to be exhausted and also to feel a if you have a huge weight on your chest. She said that a Mother  losing a child is different than a F ,or another person. The fact that you gave birth to  that child puts you in a unique category . I feel that b/c no one else is grieving the way that I am.
 I wish I could cry. I  feel better when I do.
 She told me that I could  be numb(in shock, disbelief) for a year. She told me it gets worse before it gets better. However, ALL of it was a relief b/c she understood.
 I have to remember to breathe b/c I am holding my breath,all the time.
 I feel  better and am going to go to the meetings and ,also, call some other people.
 Thanks for caring,Kelly,thank you so much.
 Tonight ,I feel a tremendous relief that at least I am not losing my mind or my body, and that helps.      Love    Ami

[hardtotrust]

You are welcome, Ami.

I haven't read all the posts, but I haven't been thinking... You were helping me, giving me courage, inspiration and love about my situation, with a baby involved... and all the while you were dealing with your loss... I can only imagine...

OMG, I feel somewhat guilty (selfish) and incredibly impressed by how big your heart is and how strong you are, facing your emotions in this moment.

I have a lot to learn with you all here.

I am just new here, but I'll take the liberty of saying: we need you. Take all the time you need, I'm listening.

(((((((((((((((((((Ami)))))))))))))))))))

[Ami]

Oh Hardtotrust,
 When you find the right woman, I think you will have all the emotions so you can really connect with her.(IMO). I can hear that in you.
 You have nothing at all to feel 'badly(selfish) about,IMO, hardtotrust.
  When you have a tragedy like I did, God provides numbness  and so I am going through the various stages,but it is MY pleasure and joy to give. I feel so happy to be able to comfort s/one else.In fact today, I was able to help my best friend and it was such a gift to ME.
Your situation  is a very, very hard dilemma  for you .The gravity of yours is not minimized b/c mine is "worse. They BOTH  are very, very hard.Our past with N parents was very ,very hard, so present situations( all of them) are SO much worse b/c we are still dealing with FOO stuff.
     Love, Ami
 

[ann3]

She said that what I am experiencing is totally "normal" and I am  relieved.

Wonderful to hear.  The group sounds like a place where others share your feelings.  So glad you found them.

with love