Struggling

[darren]

Dear Darren
  I can see that you have already "opened up" a lot. I see you having a little hope that "maybe" you CAN get better. I felt that way when I found the board,too.
   The board is the most healing it has ever been,since I have been hereIMO)
 I think that you will be  safe to be "you" and share ,as you see fit. It is SO hard to share honestly . I do it b/c I must ,if I am to heal. It is the only way I know to reclaim my "stolen" core.
  Life has little value when you are numb and I have been numb long enough.
  I think that if you stay on the board, you will  find your  "lost self".It is probably more buried than lost.
  Take your time and trust yourself to heal in  a way in which  you are comfortable.    Love and a Hug,  Ami

I've actually stopped by here a few times before I ever made an account and started joining in.  This site in combination with a few others did wonders for getting me better and out of my situation.  I think my major problem was healing the damage done by my last relationship, and I've been very successful.  I was able to forgive the person who hurt me so badly and stop blaming them, and it set me free of so much.  I wish my other problems were closer to the surface because its hard to work on them when they aren't.  I am getting more motivated to work on things than Ihave been for a while.

[Ami]

Yeah, I think depression makes you a slob--bleh(lol) .             Ami

[James]

Darre......i understand what you're saying. i really think its hard for us who have been abused to come out of our comfort zones and feel uncomfortable even in pain as we start to face everything that happened. Afterall that is what a comfort zone provides isnt it. Ami and i have been comparing notes and she shares the same sort of insights into her feelings too.  Thanks James

[James]

 Darren i just got an insight that seems real. I relate so much to what you say about yourself and isolation . I do the same thing did and still do the same thing and i remember for long periods of time as a child i was simply to afraid to leave my home. Its crazy, but makes sense with what i mentioned above that I was so brainwashed that i eventually got to the point where i thought the danger was on the outside when it was really coming from inside. My nasty parents to be exact. Sometimes i was abused outside but i was already set up to fail in this area too because of the massive but very real threat from my parents. I was left defenseless because of my fear of them Its really starting to piss me off.  Thanks James

[darren]

Yah, I lived in my room and nowhere else.  As I grew older the only time I'd leave would be to go get some drugs.  I wouldn't be comfortable out in the world though, and I'd head back home as quickly as possible.  My father sat, and slept, on the couch... and never left.  Despite not having a curfew, I'd sneak out of my window to avoid him if I had to go anywhere.  It didn't matter if it was midnight or the middle of the day.  I didn't even wanna come out to go to the restroom.  Thinking about it today, I didn't really how much shame and embarrassment I had about all that.  Between my mother and father, they completely destroyed any confidence or sense of self I could have developed.  I grew up and went to school and didn't interact with my peers like everybody else.  I didn't just have low self esteem, I had ZERO esteem.  Can you have less than that?  I could not interact with people because I just didn't feel I was good enough.  That was long ago, but gosh... I was messed up.  I think I may have been turning into an avoidant personality at that stage.  I wanted to be a part of everything, I wanted friends and people in my life, to be cool, and popular.  But my esteem would have none of that. 

I used to think I developed better self esteem and gained my confidence, but I'm not so sure anymore.  I think I just made a science out of ignoring it and its all in there somewhere still waiting for me to face it.  Maybe I just stopped feeling bad about it and accepted myself the way I was.  I'm probably over confident now, but my self esteem and self is trashed very badly.  I'm glad to know it, though, cuz I can fix that. 

One of the weird things I realized is that... with my ex... I got brainwashed pretty badly.  I still can't decide if I feel she did it intentionally or not.  but I came to the conclusion I let it happen.  I even helped.  I told myself I was a failure, and bad, and not good enough, and spent a great deal of time brainwashing myself.  In a weird way, I think I'm my own worst enemy.  They may have started it, but I kept it going.  I'm doing my best to treat myself better =)

[James]

Darren i don't think it's weird at all that you might think you your own worst enemy. Those parents are still alive inside sabotaging you. I do the same. Boundaries are a key in straightening this sort of enmeshemnt out IMO. I always avoided my dad. Sneaking out windows and tiptoeing past him hoping he wouldn't notice me.to bad they put front doors in the front. I'm lucky he was gone during the week but then NM took over rather than just being his backup. Everytime i did anything i was corrected, it seems unbelieveable now. He always insited on buying hoses on big corner lots. I wound up edging with scissors a lot. He liked it perfect and liked to see me sufferbecause i wasn't perfect. Mealtimes were the worst. he had me prisoner then and took advantage of this. Grilled me and shamed the whole way. Constantly after me even if i touched a fork/spoon to the plate so that it made a sound. by the time I went to college i had a phobia against eating at tables (still bothers me) By the time my friends had got their food i had already finshed and left. I probably looked something like a wild animal feedin on road kill as fast as meals took place.  All to escape him in my head. Its nothing short of a miracle i haven't died from some sorta stomach disorder.  Best  James

[James]

Darren ...i was thinking about what you said about ZERO self esteem. You asked can there be anything worse than that. I might say yes because in the end i turned totally against myself and abused ME. Maybe thats whats happens when self esteem starts moving into the negative zone? just a thought   Best James

[Ami]

I UNDERSTAND your post about turning against  yourself. It is such a hopeless, hopeless place.If you are not your best friend, you are in big trouble. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. Thank you for having the courage to talk about it, James. You have helped me so much with your courage!          Love    Ami

[Iphi]

darren - just reading this great topic now.  I've been depressed too.  It's kind of like a town that you live in and then when other people talk about it, you recognize the common landmarks.  Like feeling unworthy of anything - oh yeah - I think we must have lived on the same block of Depressedville.

I had these random thoughts and bits to share...

Mainly I wanted to say about numbness, and maybe about depression too (but I haven't thought that through), that numbness is there for a damn good reason, surely.  The reason was probably so that you could survive your life. 

My T helped me see that about my defenses - numbness, denial, minimizing, cynicism, humor, I forget what others - and also that, you know, the numbness is worthy of respect for its power to protect you as much as it did.  On the other hand, then there is a time to start to grow again when the nuclear winter is finally ending.

I hope that as you feel safe and ready, the numbness could start to dissipate and you can pursue freeing up the feelings in a safe way for you.

I think that I became accustomed to living in depression because there was no reason to get excited about stuff mostly for most of my growing up years.  I mean it was all about endurance.  Sometimes with friends we had some blow off the steam kind of reckless fun, you know.  But that's not about... joy.  So I got used to living that way.  It's a habit.  It was when life didn't work well that I started to actively pursue change.  I could see that it just wasn't working.  And you know what, I didn't even go after the whole thing.  I just pulled on a thread, here and there, and over time the whole damn sweater came unravelled and that wasn't even the plan.

I still have these ice patches of numbness around areas.  Less areas.  But I can kind of notice the ice patches for what they are more now where the feelings are dead. 

darren I think it's really good that you have these insights and can make decisive moves from them.  That sounds like a good sign that your compass is not broken.

[darren]

Darren i don't think it's weird at all that you might think you your own worst enemy. Those parents are still alive inside sabotaging you. I do the same. Boundaries are a key in straightening this sort of enmeshemnt out IMO. I always avoided my dad. Sneaking out windows and tiptoeing past him hoping he wouldn't notice me.to bad they put front doors in the front. I'm lucky he was gone during the week but then NM took over rather than just being his backup. Everytime i did anything i was corrected, it seems unbelieveable now. He always insited on buying hoses on big corner lots. I wound up edging with scissors a lot. He liked it perfect and liked to see me sufferbecause i wasn't perfect. Mealtimes were the worst. he had me prisoner then and took advantage of this. Grilled me and shamed the whole way. Constantly after me even if i touched a fork/spoon to the plate so that it made a sound. by the time I went to college i had a phobia against eating at tables (still bothers me) By the time my friends had got their food i had already finshed and left. I probably looked something like a wild animal feedin on road kill as fast as meals took place.  All to escape him in my head. Its nothing short of a miracle i haven't died from some sorta stomach disorder.  Best  James

I can really relate to this.  I don't know exactly what was wrong with my father, but he evoked these same kinds of feelings in me.  I don't really know why, but of all the things that happened to me it made me the angriest and bothered me the most.  There was just a constant air of manipulation an controlling behavior.  We got to the point where we didn't eat at the table either, and it wasn't until recently I realized why I was uncomfortable when I sat at one with other people. 

I've been realizing more and more things like this.  One problem I used to have was going to social gatherings... holidays with my girlfriends family or work celebrations.  I would be SO resentful that I had to go, and I'd be grumpy.  And I'd just want to get away as soon as possible.  I didn't like being in those situations.  But strangly, once I realized why I felt that way I didn't feel the same anymore.  I hated holidays because I wasn't used to being welcomed into a family, and I felt very out of place.  Somewhere under the surface I was being reminded that I don't really have any family.  Once I knew why I had those feelings, they kinda went away.  I wont say that I look forward to social occasions now, but I appreciate them on some level and I'm no longer filled with dread.  I figure I have tons of stuff in me I can find to fix in those ways.  Someday I'll figure out exactly why I seek to avoid people. 

[James]

Darren........well written and well spoken. Maybe what you fear and find protection still by isolation is similar in the valuable insights you so accurately describe. We expect without knowing others to be like members of our abusive family of origin. And as this old unprocessed fear lives still repressed in the unconscious brain, we fail to make the connection sometimes in the adult life that other people NOW are not the same, and hence maybe the self protection thru isolation needed THEN can lose it's grip on us today as we find the danger no longer exists and we are able to move into the freedom of adult life.....Best,  James

[Ami]

THat is BIG, Darren. I need to face the  inner roots of fears ,of many things and do exactly what you did ,so I can get free.Thanks Darren. You might not  realize that you have  good sense about many things.                           Hugs   Ami
 

[darren]

Darren........well written and well spoken. Maybe what you fear and find protection still by isolation is similar in the valuable insights you so accurately describe. We expect without knowing others to be like members of our abusive family of origin. And as this old unprocessed fear lives still repressed in the unconscious brain, we fail to make the connection sometimes in the adult life that other people NOW are not the same, and hence maybe the self protection thru isolation needed THEN can lose it's grip on us today as we find the danger no longer exists and we are able to move into the freedom of adult life.....Best,  James

Yup, thats how I see it.  We aren't really abnormal at all, we just developed a lot of defenses at a young age that don't serve us well anymore as adults.  I suppose my sense of self and my esteem is so fragile that I just wont let anybody into a position that might endanger that.  Turn out people are more likely to care about me and accept me than destroy me though =)  Imagine that. 

[darren]

THat is BIG, Darren. I need to face the  inner roots of fears ,of many things and do exactly what you did ,so I can get free.Thanks Darren. You might not  realize that you have  good sense about many things.                           Hugs   Ami
 

Thanks Ami! =)  You'll get free someday. 

[James]

Darren....exactly. I think as do others that our fears survive because we still repress the old original experiences and suppressed feelings. We still dont know how intense the original feelings were. I found it key to find these and once known and felt we understand why we feel the way NOW, that sometimes appears irrational and difficut to explain or change. Ultimately its about the chemistry of our brain and how it functions in order to ensure our survival. Read my last 2 posts to Ami on the "sexual abuse" thread.   James