sexual abuse

[Gaining Strength]

I so admire your courage in opening up here.  I cannot imagine how risky it must feel.  But always remember that if at any moment you feel that you have revealed too much and have become too vulnerable you can delete a post or the whole thread.  

Only once or twice have I done this.  But the times I did it was because I had made myself vulnerable and either I got no response or the responses I got just completely missed the mark and it felt like what I had grown up with - so I deleted them.  That gave me courage to be more risky  b/c I knew I could delete them and pretend that I had never shared what I had shared and never have to explain why I deleted the thread.

I find this place safe.  Twice I have gone away when I didn't feel safe and come back later.  That helped too.

I hope you will continue to open up and let the light in and the healing in.  You are courageous and you are on your way.  I am so glad for you and send you enormous amounts of courage for this difficult but necessary journey. - Yours - GS

[James]

GS....... I've experienced some of what you write about your experiences already in my short time here. I do understand your feelings. Sounds like most people here never experinced safety as a child and its vital for all of us now. After i wrote my story late last night i really wondered if i would have the courage to return. I'm so glad i did. People like you and others here make such a difference with your loving support rather than the hate i was fearful of. Only with my therapist have i shared anything. This is sort of dream come true for me. I do have the feeling of dread even going to the members story page. i don't feel i will ever be able to read mine again.     thanks James

[James]

I'm having some flashbacks today and it's very uncomfortable but i see things i didn't remember before. When i was raped i'm stating to remember the room and i feel this guy in back of me he has his arm around my neck and is telling me i can't get away, i feel burning flashes of fear or shame or something i dont really know what feeling it really is. He is telling me that he will tell my parents that i caused this if i dont stop fighting. i feel so much fear when he says that. It makes me wonder if i was more afraid of my parents than him back then. It makes me sick to post this because i feel like people who read it will hate me. I know thats not true but its just the way i feel deep inside and that feel has always kept me from sharing anything....James

[James]

there is something else i want to share. Recently i made the big mistake of telling my parents what happened. They both just sat there looking at me and didn't say a word eventually they got up and left the room.  Not too long ago my mom called and in a very sarcastic voice said "did that really happen" Her comment for a few seconds made me question my own mind. I don't think either of them believe me. I don't care anymore what they think, My therapist believes me, in fact she pointed out that i minimize everything that happened. It can really make a person feel crazy when your parents don't believe you about something like this.   James

[debkor]

James,

If you would have told me I would have not got up and left the room.  I would of walked over to you and put my arms around you and rocked you. I would of cried that you went through this alone.  I would of questioned myself why you thought you needed too. I would have hated myself (not you) for leaving you so out there alone. 

I would have calmed you and told you (you) did nothing wrong.  You were a victim and he was a criminal.

Then I would have went after him.

I believe you James. I can only cyber comfort you. It's not your fault and your not crazy.

Lots of love, James.

You can heal from this.

You can tell us anything.

Love
Deb

[James]

thanks Deb

[James]

I don't know what was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But the sexual abuse might just be it. I feel so much shame trying to share anything about what happened and how it affected my life in general. It's a  private area and to be violated there and then have to open it all back up again sharing it with other people feels like i'm being violated all over again. I have noticed the more i share it doesn't seem as bad as it was. some days are beter than others but sometimes after opening up i find myself withdrawing again. it's  hard being a man and living with this. I feel that this sorta thing doesn't happen to "real" men. It makes me feel somehow less of a man. This is one of the reasons i push other people out of my life. I feel so different from normal people   james

[Ami]

Dear James,
 Part of having been abused is feeling great shame about being 'different". I felt shame about having a "crazy" M, when my friends seemed to have loving ,caring mothers.
  At some point, I became convinced that I was SO different that I could not relate to people any more. I had to "hide" who I really was or I would be rejected and "shamed"again.
  As I heal, I feel more of a connection to other human beings and more of a sense that I am 'like" them, rather than different.
  As you keep sharing,just as you are, and see that you do NOT drive people away with your "terribleness", you will start to feel more a part of the human race(IME)                   Love    Ami

[James]

Ami......I know what you're saying is true. It's just hasn't taken root in me yet. I''ve got a case of overexposure at the moment from what i've written here the last couple of days. BTW I think you're great. I see the way you're still pushing ahead with you own growth while managing to deal with the loss of your son. You are a strong person. I admire you. Your support gives me more courage to keep pushing forward even when i don't want to. Congratulations for finding you rage at the H. I could really feel it.    Warmly to you ... love james 

[Ami]

Your words mean so much to me ,James. Thank you. It,is also, really exciting to see you grow. You took off and are getting clearer and clearer.        Love to you, too        Ami

[Hopalong]

Dear James,

This thing that feels like weakness is your strength.
Eventually it will all be one.
You will be able to tell anyone, anywhere, what you want to share, with no shame whatsoever (since the shame is not yours...it's projected onto you by others, the perpetrator, your family...)
And their reactions or lack of them, will be about them, not about you.

One day you will feel connected to, rather than just visited by, the strength you are building.
You laid the foundation by refusing to carry the real stone of a horrible memory alone any more.

It ain't heavy, when you allows others to lift it with you.

You honor others by allowing them to receive your true story.
And you honor yourself by choosing those others carefully.
Cyberspace is an excellent place to practice trust, without being in danger.
In real life, you'll be able to make those safe choices, too.

love
Hops

[James]

as i've remember what happened i see that I've minimized some of the abuse. I was abt 15 and my grandfather was teaching me how to drive. It was just the two of us. He put his hand on my leg very close to where it shouldn't have been and just left it. I became very uncomfortable and thought it was just me. Finally i had to get out of the car. Strangely i remember thinking that by doing this he might could see into my mind and blame me for having those thoughts. How could i ever prove this to anyone.What i once minimized isn't so small. I never trusted him again even until he died. I don't love him anymore.  James

[Hopalong]

I don't love him anymore.  James

thank god.

You are not obligated, by relation or any other pressure, to love those who are corrupt and would abuse your innocence.

Hops

[Ami]

Dear James,
  As I start to feel my feelings,as you did with your GF, and think my OWN thoughts, my emotions  are starting to come in to an internal order.
 I feel myself knitting, together, in a way that makes some sense.
 I have been (and still are)like you. I keep 'forcing" myself to face the truth. Lies are what kill us ,not the truth. The truth can hurt and does,but it  sets us free, and is worth facing(IME).              HUGS    Ami

[James]

Hi Ami .......thank you so much for touching base with me today. For a few days after posting my story i experienced shock and was plunged into old dependency issues, Today i feel a little stronger and think of ways to tackle my problems. Your thinking on honesty is so true. Thats what I desire more than anything. Unfortunately my issues and the people in my life are conflicting in this area. Out of self preservation  i have withdrawn from toxic influences as best I can. This to a large degree has left me in isolation but I feel okay with that as long as i feel safe here and with my therapist. I simply can't be around people that continue to hurt me by denying their own pain. Taking back control of my life is paramount this will have to take place on many fronts simultaneously. I have a question. Rooting out unhealthy behavior in myself is one of these. I am shocked sometimes to see what i do and sometimes feel badly that i find in myself the very thing i dislike in others. I try and go easy on myself. Did you ever find this true in your case and can you share and insight into managing these feelings of dissapointment in myself when I find these feelings. Is this a normal part of the recovery process? warmly  James