sexual abuse

[Ami]

Dear James,
 You are so brave. You are going to allow me to open up even more deeply that I have. Your courage will allow many people who are
 afraid to speak out ,to do so,now.
 I understand that you feel very emotional right,now. You probably feel that you will be judged as 'bad". Your shame is probably telling you to "keep quiet".
 Our bodies have a "life" of their own. I realize this b/c of my current "shock". It was involuntary. Also, my healing from grief seems to have a life of it's own, too. Some days, I feel so sad that I could go insane. Other days, I feel  a low level grief.
 So, what I am saying is a sexual response is   involuntary in  many situations.
 Your shame is displaced. I know you feel YOU are bad,but that is a lie and a distortion.
 I think you made the FIRST step to healing,today,by sharing that "false" shame, which  FEELS so true.
 I think that as you get responses which are true ie,it was NOT your fault that you responded sexually to a molestation experience, you will shed a layer of pain. I am really amazed at your capacity to reach out for wholeness ,by sharing your deep pain.
                 You are a hero!!!!                Love    Ami

[James]

Ami/seasons...thank you both. Intellectually i know you're right but just sharing this makes me feel nauseated because of the shame i feel. I still feel shame sometimes even talking abt it with my therapist. I've never shared this with anyone else so maybe in time i won't feel so bad.....James

[Ami]

I think it is natural for you to feel sick to your stomach,now. You have been shamed by the original experience and feel shamed by sharing it(even though it is misplaced shame, you still "feel"it).
 I think that you should expect to feel very strange ,today. It is a natural feeling,even though YOU  did nothing wrong. We, who are violated, feel the shame ,even though it is NOT our shame,but our abuser's shame to carry.
 I think that you should have a"sick day" today, when you just realize that you WILL feel badly, shame, guilt, fear, fear of rejection, vulnerable, silly that you "told" etc.
 I think that when you release that  type of pain , you have a "rebound effect". You feel worse, before you feel better.
 I want to assure you that I have so much respect and admiration for you. The shame should be WITH  the abuser. In time, you WILL put it back on him, as I put the "bad" back on my M.
 Today, try not to be blown away by the many feelings which will accompany your honest revelation.
 Healing these deep types of shame issues hurts. That is  why we never heal them,in many cases. I promise you that you will feel better and more free , soon, James. I am sending you prayers and thoughts.          Love    Ami


PS Sometimes when you get out in nature ,it can help these deep painful feelings, just to pet an animal , or go for a walk.

[James]

Ami...meltdown #2 this week. I survived but almost ran . Started deleting topics. Still hangin though. Last year my T casually mentioned my M was a N. I found out what this was and it scared me. My dad is one too but with a seriously brutal side to boot. I'm beginning to understand now. I was like a small planet orbiting two suns, rather than receiving life i was drained of mine. Myself. Feels evil now.. i'm sure back then too. I have much difficulty in trusting anything i perceive or feel. Yesterday was no different. I had an important insight though (i think?). I believe that in therapy and elsewhere i've actually been trying to "fix" them by "fixing" myself even with all these psychological theories sometimes. This won't work. They shamed every need/feeling i had and manipulated me into satisfying their own. lots of other cruelty too. I had the strange thought today that just maybe there was never anything wrong with me in the first place, at least in the beginning. Maybe my "illness" is more a reflection of how i've been treated in the past rather than about who i am. New strategy = give them back this illness and quit "fixing them and others". Ugh one of those flaws!  I had every right to feel betrayed, sad, hurt, unloved, confused etc....i'm beginning to think its OK to own these as mine.  These don't make me a bad person they are natural feelings that occurred in a very "UNATURAL" home. They stole myself, my feelings, until i did not exist anymore. It's weird i've been living in fear of my very own self. I have another one coming that i'm going to take possesion of. MY RAGE about what happened. Those  blankity blank B#$%$#@S. They haven't heard the end of this yet, in fact i really haven't even started..............I was just born into the wrong family the way i see it............Best, James

[Ami]

Dear James,
 That post was BRILLIANT!
 You said it all, the crux of healing. I am just getting this ,now, too. The crux of healing,IMO(in my opinion)is that we became "abnormal" in response to an abnormal situation. We were and ARE  ok. We just don't realize it. We were brainwashed, as cult members are. We were never "bad" or abnormal, in reality.
  Our circumstances were so outrageous that we had to twist and turn,in order to survive. Under all the garbage is the "normal" us. We are as "normal" as anyone. We just need to keep throwing off the lies and distortions to get to the 'gold ' underneath. It is like an antique which is covered over with a layer of rust.. When it is cleaned  ,it shines with beauty.
 The "cleaning"  process is facing the lies, just as you are . It IS hard and takes great strength, as you have been showing. S/times it gets overwhelming. Then,you just have to trust that "You shall KNOW the truth and the truth will MAKE you free." The truth does it, not you.That is your light in the darkness, the truth.
 I am almost emotionally healthy. I am about 3 inches underwater, as I see it. My underwater analogy makes sense to me. When I was underwater, I did not think right. It was not my fault. I had "morphed",just as shock came on me when I heard of Scott's death. I may have diied ,if I did not go in to shock. WE may have died if we did not go underwater. We are not "bad" for getting a little weird(lol)
 We can become as "normal" as anyone, with time, facing the truth and love. You give love on the board James and you receive love. These ingredients will make you well,in time, just as I am getting well.
 When I slip, I get discouraged,but I will slip and you will, too.
 However, the truth won't let us down ,if we make it our beacon.        Love You,Friend        Ami

((((((((James)))))))

[Juno]

James--I've been on here before as Pennyplant.  Haven't posted in quite awhile for various reasons.

I want to thank you for being willing/able to post about ALL of your feelings that are coming to the surface now.  The mixed-up-ness of it. 

You are helping more people even more than you realize.  Including you, which is the main thing.

I remember when you first came on here.  At that time, I figured there was a lot from the past that you were carrying around. 

This is really, really, really hard stuff.  Though the specifics are different, much of what you have shared here resonates with me personally.  I would say you are further along your path than I am on mine, even though you have suffered from some things that I think would have destroyed me.

So, anyway, I wanted to offer quiet support to you.

Juno

[James]

Juno......thanks for "slipping in" and offering your "quiet" support. in my head right now it's louder than quite. You are right, i was dragging the past with me. the load just got to heavy to pay the price anymore. Whatever you are dealing with you have my best wishes..........A big hug from me to you...James

[James]

Hey Ami...............I finally got it!!!!! my eyes are open to what really happened back then and i'm seeing things in a different light today. Going to be looking for a 3 D mens group, even though i really can't afford it right now. i think i need to be in the company of other men who are throwing up the same stuff. Your support is invaluable. Thanks for hangin w/me. ps I was ok. and am now............a big hug     Love James

[Ami]

Dear James,
 You are SO welcome.You helped me face  deep pain in myself, too, and heal .
 I am so happy you are getting in to a 3D group. You have begun the climb out. The board is always here, for help. I am always here, too.  Love you and am so proud of you,  Ami



((((((((James))))))))

[Juno]

Thank you for the hug, James.  I have been hugging you in my heart all afternoon.

I bet you will find many other men have been through this and they will be a great comfort to you.  Just because something is rarely talked about, doesn't mean it rarely happens.

You've had a huge breakthrough and I'm happy for you.

[Certain Hope]

Dear James,

I think you've made a great decision to locate a face-to-face mens' group! You mentioned being able to afford it...
wow, I'd hope there'd be some available with no charge. Maybe you could ask through your local (county) community mental health center?  Best wishes and prayers to you on that!!


Dear Juno,

It's great to see you, Pp... I've missed you.

Carolyn

[Juno]

Thank you, Carolyn.  I'm being tentative here so that I don't get "addicted" to the board again.  My reading today, though, showed me that I have missed people here--I'm happy for the growth I'm seeing.  The breakthroughs.  Maybe I will have some breakthroughs again, too.  Meanwhile, just absorbing what everyone is sharing.  I'm so blown away by James and what he is sharing and learning.  Everyone is supporting him.  I love seeing this.

[seasons]

James

I echo the above. A support group sounds like a life boat just waiting for you to jump in.

Cheering you on as you begin your journey, may you remember we are along side you, carring you when you stumble.  warmth and love seasons

[James]

Ami, Certain Hope, Juno and Seasons...........I'm glad you were all here cheering me on. It's made the difference i was looking for. I am amazed how well i feel this afternoon. I can even feel some of the dissociation loosening up. This may be the best i have felt in many years. I can hardly believe it.  Best,  James

[Ami]

Dear James,
 IMO, a group AND the board would be a great combination. I have been through many things on the board, good and bad. They have ALL helped me find my voice b/c life has good and bad,too, challenges and warm things.
 Our voice has to function in it all.
 You have had so much courage . S/times other people are frightened by  courage. It happens in real life,all the time.
S/one who is "real" frightens other who want to hide.
That does not mean YOU are wrong, It is their problem, always.
 Keep sharing. I know that whenever I am honest, people always PM me and thank me. Honesty IS the way to healing and YOU want to heal. It is that simple, James .
Keep sharing who you are!         Love    Ami