Self Protection

[Ami]

Last night,I had a revelation. My best friend told me , several weeks ago, that I HAD to think in a "Me,Me,Me" way. My M shamed and scared me very badly when I was  self caring or self protective..She wanted to make sure that my internal power was "shut off"
  I, then, shut it off,in myself, even though she was far away.
 I got a stomach ache whenever I felt my own power. I did not nurture myself  b/c I did not want to anger "her". I stopped playing musical instruments, which I loved.
 I went in to a' shut down" mechanism, based on 'complying" with what she programmed me for----to not have a self .
 Now, I see that it is healthy and NEEDED to put yourself, first. If not, you are out of order.
 If not, you will ask the "outside" to define you and "heal" your pain.I am just at the beginning of this leg of the journey. Can anyone  relate?            Ami
 

[Hopalong]

Wow, Ami.
I came on this a.m. and there are 10 posts from you and another new thread!
Maybe that's an example of feeling your own power?

I think you are finding new ways to describe the same experience.
You (used to) get sick and/or anxious every time you related to yourself in a natural, unforced way.

The way people who love themselves do automatically.
They don't think about themselves as cores plus other parts, except on occasions when deep language is called for.

You really do have it figured out, Ami. The cerebral part.
Hooking it all up is like attaching a hose with multiple complex fittings, for irrigation to be able to live.
Each separate realization is a leak or a balky connector, and you're fixing them one at a time.

Maybe the most important thing is that the water is flowing, and every human being has a complex, leaky hose.
Every single one.
Some detect and are alarmed by and work with their leaks, others just figure it's all part of the big flow.
Some feel that if a drop escapes in the wrong spot they are bad gardeners and whatever they grow will be stunted.
Others see that the soil can absorb water in different places and different ways than the pattern they had intended.

Hope my metaphors aren't as strangled as they seem this morning, I'm half-awake...

Hops

[Overcomer]

Glimmers of hope.  Every once in awhile I will do something out of the ordinary like once I bought myself a Coach purse.  Believe it or not THAT IS something that is self nurturing.  I still feel too fat to feel good in my skin.  Part of me has always wanted to be thin enough!

[Certain Hope]

From one drip to another, I love you, Hops.

Carolyn

[towrite]

I can relate to that, Ami. I was such a doormat growing up and in my young adult years. I was so afraid of displeasing anyone that I never said 'no'. In therapy, I began trying it out - saying 'no' on a small scale if the 'no' was true to me. I would shake, get sick to my stomach, hear screams in my head. I couldn't function after I said it 'cuz I was so terrified. I remember spending hours on the bathroom floor, wretching with dry heaves. My T finally told me I must be a powerful person if it took that many 'screaming people' to try to keep one little me in line, to try to make me stay compliant. I'll never forget that, how frightening it was to take my power in my own hand and exercise it.

Does that compare to your experience?

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
  Could you explain your post, more.
                                        Thanks   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Kelly, Amber and Kate,
 Thanks for your posts.                                                                                                                              Amber, you are right that self acceptance gives us "something worthwhile to protect--ourselves.
  Kate,I can see how hard it would be for you to claim your own power b/c you must had been so shamed and punished for it ,as a child.
  Kelly, I always remember your "Coach " purse  story.Boy, I would buy ANY purse which would translate in to self esteem----even carry an ugly suitcase  (lol)                    Ami
 

[James]

Ami.....i feel like i suffered in a similar way as you growing up. It was completely forbidden for me to think of myself and any need i had was severly shamed. I split these needs off as something forbidden and "bad". I'm going to recover them as my own.  Thanks for sharing with your valuable insight.  Love James

[Ami]

You are so sweet,James.I am glad that I am not alone in healing these things. We will get there together!                            Love   Ami

[James]

Ami, i know we will!!! Did you read my last post to Darren? I really feel shocked after writing my story. I was delusional about what happened. It's feels mindbending to see this now in a clearer way. Did you ever experience this?  James

[Ami]

I just read your last post to Darren. It IS a shock when other people react strongly to YOUR childhood,b/c it is ,as you said, "normal" to you.
 I felt the same way and still do, when people are shocked when I tell them about my M.I still feel surprised. This happened last week ,with Ann. Ann said that my M was "perverted" and stole my values and morals b/c she wanted to feel "safe". If I was "confident", she could not feel safe.
 Ann said that my M stole my core. quite frankly. It always does shock me ,anew, to see a new person's horrified expression to my M. I think that is part of  what you mean, James-Right?
 I think that you( and I) normalized our childhoods b/c we "had" to, in order to survive.When Scott died, I went in to shock and still am in shock, I think. However, I realized s/thing VERY big. I went in to shock ,as a child too, and stayed in shock for my entire life.
 We could not face HOW bad our childhood was or we would have gone insane.
 That is why you feel so "unreal" and weird as you see the truth(IMO)
 You are doing SO well. Trust me ,James. You are really coming alive,little by little.       HUGS    Ami

[James]

Ami i agree with you, it was my only way to survive too. The illusions are a big part of the shock? It does feel stange and unreal  to see how much shock i've been in. I can hardly grasp this reality. I think it's a big step forward as uncomfortable as it is.  James

[Leah]

We don't have to prove to anybody that we have a right to exist

So true, we do not have to prove ourselves to anyone, not at all.

Leah x

[Ami]

Yeah, Let's tell the body cells!
                               Love   Ami

[James]

Ami...this has been a very different day for me. I really havent laughed in quite awhile. It feels something like a cork popping. For the first time in a long while i even found myself laughing at my parents and their craziness. It's making me feel a little crazy though. I'm thinking of what they did and it just doesn't fit that i would laugh about any of it. It makes me worry that  i'm completely seperating from my true feelings. Do you think this is normal? Completely underwater a few days ago and now this? Maybe i'm experiencing taking back a little power and this is some sorta odd reaction?   James