Voicelessness & New Job Worries :-(

[BlueTopaz]

Hi everyone.

I am starting a new job in one week.  It is a very large, corporate style company, and the environment is very social and click-ish (I noticed this on my several interviews).

Because of my background and voicelessness issues, I have never done well in these kinds of environments (my former position was not as such).   In fact, I don’t even wish to try to ‘fit in”.   It all seems so juvenile- like grade school or something.

Just to be clear, I’m not saying that I don’t want to make the effort to be friendly, approachable, and to meet new people.   I do. What I am saying is that the means of going about it, or the societal styles (games, judgements, clicks, etc.) has never been one that has made much sense to me, or one I’ve wanted to be part of.  It can be pretty cut-throat, and it all just reminds me of the dysfunction I grew up with.

I am a very genuine person, who really can't even relate to certain mentalities that society has conformed to.  I literally do not understand them, and don't know how to "be" in them.   Well, without becoming hostile I suppose.   Meaning, if someone was rude with me, I'd probably tell them off on the spot, which is not exactly appropriate for the business enviroment!  

I think there is an element of emotional immaturity there because I am inexperienced in that type of enviroment, and also because I am just plain tired of being in dysfunctional environments (childhood, former N-partner).   I just want to be around the people of my choosing, that go along with the healthy life I am trying to now build for myself.   So, in terms of work and a sticky situation with someone where they are just being a jerk on a personal level (I can handle bonefide professional conflicts very well), I'm worried that a very primal emotion of rage would take over.  

I am in my 30’s and feel like I am 16 again, in terms of social apprehension.  It is really worrying me a lot, and so now this is becoming one of those absolute nightmare times where I wish I could just disappear into thin air.  I haven't felt this way in over a decade...

I never wanted to work in such an enviroment and have always steered clear of these kinds.   But cirumstances are that I have to, at least in the short term.

Since many here are trying to heal from voicelessness issues as well, and have had dysfunctional parental input in terms building your self-image, confidence, esteem (as I have), coming from such psychology, I am wondering if you have any advice on how to deal with being heard and respected in the workplace, or just “fitting in”.

Also, if there are any websites\online articles that you are aware of that address this, I would really appreciate a link.

Thanks….

[Anonymous]

BlueTopaz,

If you passed several interviews, you must be qualified for the position. I doubt if your coworkers will try to provoke a rage attack. They are probably ready to like or at least accept you. If you're certain there are jerks there, I bet there are a hundred books on "how to deal with difficult people." Do a search on amazon, I bet you will find lots of help there.

bunny

[BlueTopaz]

Bunny-thanks.

I'm not at all worried about the professional aspect or being qualified for the job.  I know I am.   I'm worried about the emotional part of things.  The culture/sub culture of large companies.

I hear soooo many stories from friends about tyrant bosses, workplace bullies, all of the back-stabbing and childish meanness, exclusion, etc. that goes on.

Maybe I am focusing too much on this, because it is what I fear.  I should try to shift my focus.  But, it does not help that I've never felt as a child or adolscent, that I've fit in to certain enviroments.    This job situation is the epitomy of that type of environment, and these insecure feelings are coming back to haunt me.

I'm specifically worried that the dysfunction (office politics) that is notorious for going on in so many work places will evoke feelings in me related to the dysfunction of my childhood, and the rage and frustration I feel about having been voiceless, seemingly invisible, etc., will cause me to overreact or act inappropriately.

I'm afraid of becoming someone viewed as some kind of anti-social deviant, who does not fit in, because I have reacted openly to someone's subtle (but crystal clear to me) put down, undermining, or shunning, etc.  In these cases, you know exactly what is going on, but since it is so subtle an non-obvious to others, you appear as the "crazy" one if you react in any way.

I don't want to be "invisible" again, or voiceless again, or to be involved in old hat psych. games with unaware people who are still playing them.  

I just don't want to have to deal with ongoing dysfunction in my life anymore, and I'm afraid I will "blow".   At my age (mid 30's) I've had enough.  "Paid my dues", and I want to be able to choose the people I interact with on a regular basis.   Unfortunately, it is not the case here.

I'm trying to reconcile remaining professional and dealing with dysfunction, with my emotional state that has no tolerance for dysfunction, anymore, because of my history.

I'll be checking the net for info./a lifeline, for certain, and I'll try to control my anticipatory anxiety.  After all, none of what I wrote about has even happened yet!    

It is just that childhood wounds, biases, fears, are very strong and enduring.

Appreciate your reply...

[Anonymous]

Hi Blue Topaz,

In addition to coping with individual people, I think you are referring to office politics which can be tricky.  The group mentality.  My advice is to accept that office politics are necessary and to see what unspoken values are the real agenda.  Eg. "youth" was the agenda at one of my past jobs.  The image the corp. wanted to hold up was "boy wonder" and "genius" and power.  That and making lots and lots of money.  If you didn't fit those criteria, you at least had to come from a pedigreed background like Harvard or a blueblood family that had a relative already in the corp.  Outside interests, esp. family, was verboten.  It was like a cult.  

OK, that's probably the worst possible light I can shed on this incredibly successful company.  It was hard to accept that I didn't fit in there, but that was the truth.  I didn't fit that particular mold and finally wised up.  Not good or bad, just not working.  I'm learning that humans want to know how we are alike before we can accept how we are different.  I don't like to operate like this either, but I'm realizing that this is my own personal obstacle to connection.

Because of my upbringing I thought I had to pursue a career in business.  I'm actually quite happier out of that environment and now fully embrace other possibilities.  I've also watched my BIL try to fit his family expectations of white-collar success when he clearly isn't suited for it.  He has many talents which go unrecognized.  

Anyway, I would go into this new job with an open and positive attitude.  You obviously have made many observations that will serve you well and you can navigate the new job well if you figure out the people part as well as the task part.  I used to try to ignore the people part and simply do the best job I could, hoping to be rewarded for that (how naive adn so similar to my family experience!) and I now know that it (people politics)is essential.

Good luck to you!  Seeker

[Anonymous]

Hi BT,

PS, I guess we were writing at the same time...  There's a website about workplace bullying which I hope will empower you.  Um, it's a bit more about people who have already been victimized, but I would encourage you to look for books about how to protect yourself politically before this happens.  Many management books about organizational behavior etc. might help.  you know, stuff like "swim with the sharks without getting bitten" type stuff.  

Don't let 'em see you sweat!     Bye now, Seeker

I think the URL is bullyingonline.com

[Anonymous]

All workplaces have a mix of people.  I would initially assume that people's intentions are good. Assume they don't intend to put you down or undermine you. I think the best way to create a positive impression is to be warm, show a sense of humor, and be yourself. I work in a place where new people join the group all the time. We old members are all apprehensive at their arrival even though we outnumber them. So your new coworkers may be nervous about your judgment of them.

The main thing is to command respect. I don't care what people say behind my back as long as they respect me to my face. All I ask is for people to treat me respectfully. If they don't, they will learn that I don't like it. It doesn't necessarily change anything but I will stand up for myself. A rage attack or scene isn't required to do this. You can stand up for yourself without resorting to that. I know you can do it.

The office isn't a popularity contest. You don't have to like all of them and all of them don't have to like you. If there is truly an atmosphere of backstabbing, manipulation, and severe abuse, I would rather work at a greasy spoon cafe. I'd quit the office for my own health. It can make a person physically ill to work in an abusive place.

If one must earn a living, one will inevitably deal with dysfunction. There is no workplace where dysfunction doesn't exist and everyone is mature! If you find such a place, please let me know. My philosophy is to strategize with the sick people I'm forced to deal with, and befriend those who are on my wavelength. Oh - and I see a therapist and take meds. I also borrow xanax from coworkers when I have to!  

bunny

[BlueTopaz]

Hi Seeker- thanks for your reply.  It’s a good time to tell you that I enjoy your posts very much.

In addition to coping with individual people, I think you are referring to office politics which can be tricky. The group mentality.

Yes, precisely.   Both.    I understand what you are saying about the “agendas” so well......

My advice is to accept that office politics are necessary……

Anyway, I would go into this new job with an open and positive attitude. You obviously have made many observations that will serve you well and you can navigate the new job well if you figure out the people part as well as the task part. I used to try to ignore the people part and simply do the best job I could, hoping to be rewarded for that (how naive adn so similar to my family experience!) and I now know that it (people politics)is essential.

I will heed your advice.   I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist or try to completely isolate myself from it.  I don’t want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I think I would be, if I tried to resist what has been ingrained long before I came along.   I need to find a way to deal with it.   I think this is a very important point- and I’m so glad you brought it up.  I think I may have gone in trying to resist it.  I will work on that this week. I have this week off, then I will start the new thing the following Mon.

I will also check the genre of online articles and websites that you mention.  I will be busy reading & mentally preparing this next week.  

Thanks again Seeker…  

[BlueTopaz]

All workplaces have a mix of people. I would initially assume that people's intentions are good.

Hi Bunny-sounds like very good advice.  I think you are right- that attitude going in, would serve me best.   I will work on changing my mind-set to do just that.

The main thing is to command respect. I don't care what people say behind my back as long as they respect me to my face. All I ask is for people to treat me respectfully. If they don't, they will learn that I don't like it. It doesn't necessarily change anything but I will stand up for myself.

I like the idea of commanding respect.   Just don’t know if I have the energy anymore to have to put out, with difficult people (the ones that will disrespect you to your face).   But I like what you said about just standing up for oneself, whether it changes anything externally or not.  Internally, it would mean something important.  

Hmmm... commanding respect might be like an air of confidence and self assurance.   I think I can put it on, until I actually feel more like it.    Kind of like what Seeker said “don’t let them see you sweat”.

Thanks very much for the encouragement, and input...

[Dawning]

Blue Topaz,

http://finance.groups.yahoo.com/group/bullyonline/ is a yahoogroup a friend introduced me to awhile back.  Although I didn't join, I believe she learned alot there and got the support she needed.

Good luck.  And post a follow-up if you feel like it.  

[BlueTopaz]

Thank you very much for the link, Dawning.   By the way, you are also someone who's messages I always get very much out of, and relate so very well to, personally.  

I will join for sure, and check through the archives.  Hmmm... likely right now actually, as I'm not sleepy yet (2:00 am here!)

I will likely post a follow-up after the first week (that is two weeks from now, as job starts the 9th).

Many thanks again  

[phoenix]

bye

[BlueTopaz]

Hi Phoenix

No- I’ve never read that, but having come out of a relationship with an N, the title certainly speaks well…   Thanks for the mention of it.

I’m so glad that you have been able to turn things around so well!  It seems like a really big change has taken place for you.   I’m really intrigued by how you made such a big change.

I know I won’t be able to get to the bookstore (the quickest way to get something vs. ordering) this week (and I start job next week) but I will put that on my list.   I have resorted to reading online about these things for now.

By the way, Seeker (if you are reading this) and for anyone else, the bullying site link you posted is really excellent.   It contains so much detailed information about bullying, including legal avenues.   I didn't expect it to be so rich with info.

Anyway, I had been romantically involved with a man with strong N traits for 5 years, and when that ended about a year ago, I read all I could (tons) about Nism, and joined several discussion forums to read about others experiences with N’s, as well.

The main crux put forth in terms of dealing with unreasonable N’s  or difficult people in general (such as one might find in the workplace), seemed to be indifference.    

Is this what Sandy H. says to do, in the book?    Is this what has helped you so much?  

Can you tell me, just briefly, the main idea as to why she thinks certain people get targeted over & over?

I don’t think I have ever been a perpetual bully-target in life, but I know I react badly in certain situations (this job is the epitomy of such a situation), which could attract trouble situations to me.

But in terms of xN partner, I know I attracted that relationship (i.e. was a detectable target) & stayed in it so long, because of faulty, and low self beliefs.   I have thinking patterns I'm trying to heal, or targeting because of what I'm putting out as acceptable to me would be repeated.

Thanks....

BlueT.

[phoenix]

bye

[BlueTopaz]

Phoenix,

Thanks sooooooooo much for taking the time to look through the book for me.  I truly appreciate it.

Just started a new job too?   It’s helpful to hear from someone going through same thing.    Sheesh… it didn’t take long at all  for trouble to come calling, did it!    Yes, I’ve witnessed the types.   Their sheer immaturity is really what has them acting so asinine, and there is nothing in the world one can say to reason with them, as it is though they haven’t quite yet even developed the emotional ability to reason in a certain manner.   Well, come to think of it, that is the descrip.  of an N, too.  Stuck at a lesser developmental stage emotionally.  Luckily for some (where it is just age-related), it is something they grow out of!    

That is just where indifference chimes in, I suspect.    I love what you say about indifference being the canceling point.   I will remember that phraseology.

I have my work cut out for me  because both my thinking & physiology have become accustomed to feeling rage if  feel that I am being very blatantly mistreated.   I see that this is exactly what you are referring to, when you mention about our catering to these kinds of dynamics.

I know that is what fed xN in the former relationship.   My emotional reactions of hurt, frustration, etc.  

I’ve been thinking, and I’ve decided I will look at it like a little game, and also a little challenge I can give myself….    I will try to actually take pleasure in my indifference, knowing how smart I am being, and knowing that I am learning something really valuable that will serve me always…

It is like what you are saying, when you can see her faltering when coming up against her own powerlessness hehe…      That would be scoring a goal, shooting a hoop, a 40 love… lol….    

I was catering to the nonsense I had spent my life defending myself against; but more, I felt willing .

Yessss….    Myself also with the catering, and more than willing, I felt compelled….  Now, I will have the opportunity to use an alternate way…    A challenge, but I'm trying reeeeeally hard here, to see it as an exciting one (argh)...

Thanks so much again Phoenix, and congratulations on working your indifference stuff so well!!   It is truly inspiring to me (it will help me to think about what you've been able to do, if I get into such a situation), and I hope you are proud of yourself.  

Thankfully, in your case this person is leaving, but if another comes along, you know you can handle it.    Though, as you are giving out a dif. energy, they might only come along few & far between, and retreat pretty darn quickly…  

Take care!

BT

[Anonymous]

BT,

What I've learned in decades of working in an office environment. I've rarely had to think much about this stuff, it's now second-nature to me.

--- Pick my battles.

--- Keep a fairly low profile.

--- Don't worry about what's said behind my back, who cares.

--- Make friends with the respectable, reliable people.

--- Be pleasant, reliable and professional. Gain people's respect. Then if a troublemaker dislikes me, she will have a very hard time undermining me.

--- I don't have to be best friends with people.

--- Avoid troublemakers by being boring to them.

--- Find friendly people to vent with.

--- Find friendly people who bring xanax to work.

--- Try to contain or minimize my rage whenever possible. We all have problems; most of us have gotten really angry at work; and no one really wants to deal with a coworker's temper.

--- See a therapist to vent about work.

--- Take time for myself, don't become someone's therapist on the job.

bunny