Rage

[Ami]

I think I just got in touch with "Alice Miller's" rage. I see how my brother threatened to throw my M down the stairs---bleh.
You just want to wipe that smirk off the clueless face. You want that clueless face to GET it ,for once. You want to pummel it, until it   does.You don't want to stop.
You want to say,"DON"T you get it????"
You want to beat them ,enough, until they do. Then what?
What if you COULD beat them to death? You are left with the consequences of  them in your body and mind. You have the inheritance of the N parent in every cell of your body.What good does it even DO  if they are gone?
That is where I am today. All the garbage from the N parent is "safely" inside me. I am carrying it,like a body carries a virus. It can be silent. It can be active. It poisons,  any way you look at it.
 I am the host  sickened by the NM,  pummeling me, stealing here and there, coy and calculating, looking and waiting to get the prey in a one down position.
 I am the prey , now. I replay being the prey, in my current life ---how  many blehs is that?               Ami

[gratitude28]

Ami,
Are you saying you are feeling rage today? I have dreams sometimes where I really feel the rage that I should let out. I react differently when I am angry - I "turn off." It is like turning off a machine or a light. I feel unplugged and 'gone.' Sometimes I wish I had rage. Do you think some of your anger is coming from working through the grief over Scott?
Love,
Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
 I never really felt the rage ,before. It is mainly about what my M stole from me, for her own selfish purposes. Then, my life went down, ending with Scott's death.
 *I* was the key when I accepted her world view.She was the King and I was the serf.
  I guess the rage was always there , just repressed .Thanks for caring, Beth.      Love    Ami

[gratitude28]

Maybe this is a good time to take up boxing, Ami???? Lol. I am not minimizing your pain. I guess now is a good time to find an outlet for it. Art? Screaming? Running? What will help YOU?
Love, Beth

[Ami]

It is so tempting to feel sorry for myself and to think my M ruined my life. However, I remembered a g/f. She had it all. She was a female MD,  married,kids, loving mother and father etc.
 I always remember one moment with her. We were out to dinner. I remember where we were standing and what we were wearing. She said,"I have it all, but there seems like there is s/thing missing, Oh well."
  I descended to  emotional depths that she could never dream of. My Aunt could never, either. However, I found God b/c I was at the bottom . I know that if I had not had ALL of  the horrible influences I did, mother, husband ,in laws, losing myself etc. I would have been too proud . I only went there b/c I had  no place else to go.
 So, as much as I feel sorry for myself, b/c I am under this oppressive weight of shame,it is worth it--- a million times over.I have to remember that ,right about now(lol)                                   Love  Ami

[Gabben]

Dear ((Ami)),

I'm not sure if I follow you here but my guess, based on what I could relate with, is your are writting about the desire to make someone "see" or acknowledge the wrong they did to you...to wake them up and the sense of powerlessness you feel in the wake of N toxins?

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
 That is a GREAT point. I did not see it,until you wrote this. I want my M to "get it". Then ,I feel that I could go on.It is like SHE can give me permission to have my feelings.She holds the cards for my healing, in my mind.  You are right. I want her to see. However, *I* have to know it. That has to be enough. Is that what you meant, Lise?        Hugs     Ami

[Ami]

This is what has happened after Scott died. Before, he died, I had deep feelings of shame and lack of connection to my emotions. I  may have been beginning to get out, just at the beginning.
 When he died, everything got magnified a thousand times.
 That is why I feel so overwhelmed . My original issues were bad enough. Now,I got hit by a bomb on top of those.
 My grief is the original '"grief"( the NM) plus the loss of Scott.
 I can see the threads in the ball of yarn, now. Just seeing them does help.            Ami

[Gabben]

This is what has happened after Scott died. Before, he died, I had deep feelings of shame and lack of connection to my emotions. I  may have been beginning to get out, just at the beginning.
 When he died, everything got magnified a thousand times.
 That is why I feel so overwhelmed . My original issues were bad enough. Now,I got hit by a bomb on top of those.
 My grief is the original '"grief"( the NM) plus the loss of Scott.
 I can see the threads in the ball of yarn, now. Just seeing them does help.            Ami

Call stupid but are you saying Scott's death was a huge trigger for you?

Is it helping you to see how much damage your mother did to you, basically soul murder, that can never be undone...just like Scott's death?

(((AMI))))

[Ami]

What do you mean by trigger, in this context ,Lise?

[Gabben]

What do you mean by trigger, in this context ,Lise?

What I mean is that perhaps Scott's death has helped touch old wounds and bring them to the surface?

[Ami]

Yes, Thanks for explaining. That is a big part of it. I have a depression on top of a depression---bleh--depression to the second power.
                                                                                                                                     Love to you,Lise  ,    Ami
                                                       

[Gabben]

((Ami))

In this past year, as I have worked through my old rage, triggered by the new anger of N saints injustice, I experienced quite a bit of depression too. I came to understand that it was a trade-off of either being depressed or fully feeling my rage without hurting me or anyone...I would sit and pray through my rage...it hurt so much to feel it...rage is such a primal emotion, yucky and the most painful of all emotions for me, second to envy. Tears came with my rage too.

It was a matter of becoming willing to fully experience my rage in order to give it up and in order to give up depression, completely.

I prayed to God for the grace to withstand my old rage and for the healing balm of forgiveness to take-over my heart. My rage went on for days, weeks turning into months; a priest once told me that it was going to take a long time and to just let the rage keep coming as I kept praying. I'd rather experience the rage than the pain of depression.

Everyone processes stuff differently and in different ways. Your way may not be my way but rest assured, if you are praying, it is God's way.

I'm free from the rage today...I can feel it...it is wonderful depression has lifted too. I am still having memories, there are tears, sobs and heart pains of loss and terror but at least the rage is gone.

My new SD told me that we can repress every emotion except love.

One thing that I know you need and deserve right now Ami is some compassion so here goes (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ami))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Love you.

[Ami]

Thank you ((((((((((((Lise, Amber))))))))))
Your loving responses mean a lot!                                                   Ami

[James]

Ami.....i think finding my rage and experiencing it set the stage for me being here. I'm feeling more vulnerable now and less defensive than what i was.  Finding ones rage is a very good thing IMO.............James