Thought Experiment for healing

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 This thread is helping me so much. I am getting away, little by little ,from my old thinking. I realize I have felt a depression for a very ,long time, It is "normal" to me. I feel it b/c I always feel like I am failing, everywhere I look,outside and inside myself.
 I can't look anywhere  and not see failure. It is so "big" HOW much I am a failure in any area in life. However, I got a BIG key ,today. I am a failure b/c perfection is the standard. IF perfection was NOT the standard, I would not be a faliure.
 It was a big insight, even though it sounds small. I got it ,in the heart.
 I feel more peaceful, today.       Love   Ami

[Sela]

Dear GS,

Just popped in here to read and the title of your thread caught my eye.  I want to say:

How well you express yourself!!  Truly you have a gift!

Second, I have not read past the first page here because a couple of things grabbed my attention and just wouldn't let me go further without commenting.

A) 

Some part of the shaming tells me still that I don't deserve to have a good life, to be accepted, to have friends, a good job, a social life and on and on.  A big part of me still believes that and that is THE barrier still standing between me and "life".

 

It is so much like a darkness, as you later describe and another thing it is, imo and I bet many others here would agree too:

IT IS A BIG LIE!

I know you don't believe it but the absolute truth is that you DO deserve to have a good life, to be accepted, to have friends, a good job, a social life and on and on.  The word shaming and deserve are closely related here and this is the crux of the lie.  Clearly you have been lead to believe that you are not worthy......not deserving .......through ......lies.   The shame put upon you went straight along a circuit ending in the value account in your head (pinging in the number "Zero" time after time until you believed it to be your exact worth).

Not the truth at all, GS.  Just a big bunch of stinking, ugly, nasty putrid lies! 

You are just as good and just as worthy and just as deserving as the next dope ( ) ....you deserve to have everything good in your life and those who lied to you over and over, in order to make you believe otherwise, are simply big fat ugly liars.  (I said "dope" there jokingly halfsorta because we are all dopes some times.......none of us are perfect...just human and in that way.....very, very similar).

Would it help to make this a BIG part of the thought experiment for healing?.........

reject the lies




The truth is you absolutely deserve good things because you are no more dopey than the rest of the world!

((((((((((((GS))))))))))))  You are a loving, valuable, decent human being.  That's the solid simple truth!!




B)

How is it I can figure so much out and yet cannot break this paralysis.

I can relate so much to this.  Thoughts just pop into my head and I sometimes feel like I have no control over it. 

The reality is........I don't have control over what pops into my head.

I do, however, have control over how long I allow those thoughts to circulate and remain and torment and drain my energy and further......over what I choose to believe.

Sometimes, I am weak and I don't put a stop to it (the lies...the junk.....the negative stuff)....as quickly as I could.  Maybe, those days, I need to feel the pain of the past?  Maybe I need to mourn my losses a little more?  Maybe I can't be bothered taking a stand because I'm lazy or something?

The rest of the time......I choose.......not to allow that crap to play over and over in my brain.  I tell myself I'm in charge of my own head.  I remember to be thankful for so much.  I look at those worse off and realize it could be worse.  I look up to those who've survived much worse and who's attitudes I admire and I strive to emulate them.........even if it isn't truly what's in my heart.  It's what I know is best and what I know I can decide.  And most of all......I choose to reject the lies.   Most of the time, actually, these days, which is a good thing eh?

It takes time and repitition....perseverence.  It took a long time for those lies to become solid beliefs and it will take awhile to evacuate them.....house clean, so to speak.

Please keep going!      A little at a time.    Healing will come.
I don't think anyone can just turn this kind of stuff off...like some sort of switch and have it gone for good, just like that.  Maybe some people can?  I don't know.   I know very little when it comes down to it.

If any of this helps.....I'm very glad! 
If it doesn't........pitch it to the wind.

I'm off to read some more of your wonderful thread.   

Sela

[Gaining Strength]

reject the lies

Wow Sela.  Thank you.  Thank you so much.  This is the best.
It is so good to see it SO big. 


It takes time and repitition....perseverence.  It took a long time for those lies to become solid beliefs and it will take awhile to evacuate them.....house clean, so to speak.

You are so right.  I can say this to myself over and over and value it but when I read or hear these words from someone else they make a deeper impression.  Thank you so much for taking the time to read and post.  It is such a help to have encouragement from my friends here.  I can't soak in enough encouragement.  That's what happens when you grow up in a family and then live a life without people who support you no matter what.  Here I get that.  Thank you.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  Just saying Hello and wanting to give some encouragement. I am seeing that all the self hatred and  shame IS lies. Why are WE any different than any other human being?
 We were TOLD we were ,so other people could keep themselves"safe"i.e our parents.
 I am seeing the truth, little by little.
 You will climb out of the lies and pain, little by little ,GS, as I will.     Love   Ami

(((((((((GS))))))))

[Hopalong]

Dear GS,
I know you don't deserve the shame you're battling.
I know your father's multiple disorders were a shitty, horrible, unfair and MEAN thing for the universe to hand you.
You did not and do not deserve those icky, repellent feelings of unbelonging and inadequacy.

There is no other person, anywhere, who has the right to or the capability of deeming you "adequate", "worth befriending", "competent" or "acceptable."

You are already all of these things.
You already are.
It's your true, cellular, universe-given BIRTHRIGHT.

You have belonging inside you already.
You have adequacy inside you already.
You have friendship inside you already.
You have acceptance inside you already.

Those toxic stupid fear-based, inherited lies are just blabbling messages from unruly destructive psyches. They're noisy, surface sludge that flooded over you many many years ago.

You are swimming toward the light now. You have strong arms and a fine mind. You have an instinctive sense of what is fair.

On some level, you know it is just not FAIR for you to feel so ashamed of yourself for existing.

On some level, you know you are welcome in the world.

I welcome you, my friend.

with much love,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear GS
 Ann prayed that I would not have an "orphan" spirit. It is a feeling that you have no right to exist in the world, no place in life. I did not realize that I had this, but I did.
 WE have a right to exist , to thrive, to be, and we need to embrace that right ,at a deep level.
 After Ann prayed, I felt better.
 We have deep, deep lies ,such as this that run our lives.
 When we uproot them, we will come in to the light and heal.
 That is what you are doing and I am by your side, on the journey.    Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Yes it makes sense.  I am getting it and soooo looking forward to a more extensive post on the matter.

It fits neatly with the other one I got yesterday about forgiving myself for failing in the past, for allowing my house to deteriorate, for allowing my finances to get into a mess.  If I can forgive myself about past mistakes then I can begin to loosen the noose of shame/blame. 

In the same vein I can learn to CARE about myself.  That will be an interesting one.  I will definitely bump up against shame when I consciously CARE about myself.

One of the articles I ran across yesterday wrote about looking at the way we care for our bodies as a barometer of our self-shaming.  That really clicked with me and your point connects with that one too.

[Gaining Strength]

I have much to say and little time.  I am trying to get back on track with getting my business on line. 

This process is such a see-saw. (An image I have referred to many times here on board.)  Each day has real and dramatic ups and downs.  I am clearly making progress but not as swift as I would like. One moment I think I have finally broken through the barrier completely only to find myself back on the other side - but still very, very close to ultimate break-through.  Today is more of that same.  Not at all disappointing.  Demanding patience that I finally have.  Break through is so very near.  This process is faith building for me  - a necessary quality to prepare me to endure the down times without experiencing fear and discouragement.  This process is healing and preparing.

This morning I spent in mediatation and prayer.  Not planned but needed.  I found myself actually battling the dark sides of past shaming - a kind of ceremonial breaking free.  There is still something not yet unbound but I don't have a name for it.  But the good part is something significant has been loosed - I don't yet know what that is either - only that I am ever closer to ultimate break through.  Building confidence and determination. 

Did something to shame myself yesterday.  It was tied to the ultimate power shaming that was used against me by my father - the shaming and ultimate control of me via money.  That original shaming is why I have not been able to provide for myself financially.  There is so much to this.  I have not had the courage to post about it.  The pain was too great, my vulnerability - too great.  The work of the board has given me strength and courage to put it out there now.  I hope to have the time this afternoon or evening.

I am thankful for the companionship of those here.  Ami is correct about the strength of the support and friendship here.  I have been blind to it, put it in the box of "not enough" and have not given it the full value.  But something switched in me to see that.  Then I see our exchanges and realize that I have always hoped for someone to travel this journey with and I have hoped that in my 3d life and hoped that for here.  Well I have that but had been blind to it.  Now that I can see it I know I am truly gaining strength.

We will transcend these binds.  We will be free on this earth, in this life.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 I see that we can hope for a good life,on this earth.I have to face the truth of myself and life, first,I think. The truth of whatever IS is the key.Any denial will diminish my life. Truth will hurt ,but it will give the gifts I want,such as emotional health.
 This is my greatest desire at the moment, emotional health.
 If I have to hurt to get there, so be it. The worse hurt is the hurt of being in denial and isolation.
  The worst hurt is turning on yourself. I have been there and am still not out of it,but expect that if I can keep facing the truth, at some point, I will be out .
 When we have our own emotional and mental health,we have so much.  Love   Ami

[seasons]

(((GS)))

Also cheering you on! Thank you,  you have a gift of helping others along your journey to live your authentic life.

I really understood living with the brakes on. I have done this also.

In the last couple of months I have stepped out of my comfort zone, and have accomplished a few small goals, well HUGE to me. lol

Your gentle strength has lit a candle in my heart, to push a little harder, a little deeper.

GS is going to make it, is making it happen, I am a witness, I am blessed. Love always, seasons

P.S.
Waving hello, miss you sweet Sela!

[Ami]

So nice to hear from you ,Seasons.
GS, I think that we are getting there ----to our authentic selves. Today, I took a big step. I realized that I had tremendous anger toward my H, but did not know what to do with it.
 I told him I had tremendous anger at him and myself. It was SO easy to rectify the situation. When I was strong, he backed down and OFF. 
Once I lost Scott,I didn't care anymore ,so I got strong. 
 It was ALL it took.
 I am angry at myself for being such a fool. My son died b/c he could not take the abuse.  He thought HE had to intervene.
 I could have stopped it all, at any time, but I could not see it .
I really WAS Dorothy who could have gone home at any time, but did not know it.
 I would call this situation a huge cosmic "joke. I could have stopped all the abuse at any time along the way,but I didn't know it.
 So, I am really , really angry. That is a legitimate part of who I am and who I need to be.
I STILL need my anger ,as part of my compass.
The N parent really cripples you when they take away your anger. You are running a race(life) with one leg .       Ami

[ann3]

Ami,

I know what you mean about the big comic joke played on us and being Dorothy- we always had the power to 'go home', but we didn't know.  I look back at my life prior to 'waking up' and I call it my delusion.  It wasn't an illusion, it was a delusion, I was asleep in denial.  Now I'm awake and feel so many feelings like anger, regret, I feel like I was robbed.  But, I also feel a strength in my awakening, like I can see clearer, now I can answer some of those questions  that baffled me.