Strongholds

[Ami]

The Bible calls "strongholds" ,thoughts or concepts which have a "stuck " place inside you. They repeat and repeat and at some point, you accept them, as "normal".Thay just are and they are an inextricable part of you. You never even question them.
 I realize that a big stronghold for me is that I will "never be OK(normal, capable of functioning well) b/c of having my M.
 I feel like I got a "joker' card which doomed me to emotional illness, weakness, submissiveness, no power,no strength, no courage,no integrity etc
 The "best " I could do was be submissive to s/one and get the crumbs of their approval and be HAPPY for it. I was doomed to play the submission game. The rules were that I "died" if anyone got mad at me  .I "lived" when I  pleased you, never made you mad.
  Last night I called my Aunt, sobbing. She was so sweet .I told her I met a man, whom I loved and when I was strong enough, would leave my H.
 I told her that beyond a relationship, *I* had to be whole.
 My life has come crashing down. I, always, tried to be the kind of M my aunt was. I always watched her with her kids. She was so kind and loving. I always thought of her ,as I raised my kids. I WAS like that. I still don't know why it all came crashing down ,so badly with my son commiting suicide. I thought if you had a good mother, everything would be allright. I didn't think you could go so "bad", if you had a mother who loved you. I treated Scott with so much love.My Aunt's kids love her.  She earned it. I thought Scott would be here,as my Aunts kids are.
 My Aunt encouraged me to make my life good.She said I have what it takes to go forward and chose to have a good life.    Ami

 

[Gaining Strength]

Dear Ami, you have been through so much.  There is no separation in your life for dealing with your experience of your N mother and then coming to terms with Scott's death.  They have become intertwined.  You have so much determination to heal and to have a good life. 

I am so glad that you have your aunt as a model and as a loving family member. 

My heart aches when I read your words, "I thought if you had a good mother, everything would be allright. "  I was struck that I feel that way too.  I want to shield myself from the terrible tradgedy that you have experienced.  It is indescribably unbearable.  My heart is with you each and every day.  You will get through this and you will survive and grow stronger and stronger.  That you are able to know that Scott's spirit is with you will continue to give you the strength to withstand his death.

I wish for us all that the strongholds will be smashed and the light and higher energy will carry us forward.

[Ami]

You are such an encourager ,GS. Thank you so much. I know that people can( and probably will) judge me for leaving my H and finding the love of my life. I feel that God is in it and I am following the Bible, in my conduct.
 God is everything, when it is all said and done. We are His.
 We must stay in His Hands. I don't feel I am OUT of His hands, even though people will disagree, I know.
 When you have been abused for so long and your precious son committed suicide, was it really a marriage?       Ami

[darren]

You are such an encourager ,GS. Thank you so much. I know that people can( and probably will) judge me for leaving my H and finding the love of my life. I feel that God is in it and I am following the Bible, in my conduct.
 God is everything, when it is all said and done. We are His.
 We must stay in His Hands. I don't feel I am OUT of His hands, even though people will disagree, I know.
 When you have been abused for so long and your precious son committed suicide, was it really a marriage?       Ami

I have thoughts like that all the time.  I feel like I'll always be weird inside because of my parents.  I also have some similar feelings about my last relationship.  It was six years long but I don't think it actually counts.  All the elements that compose a normal healthy relationship were nonexistant, and there wasn't a moment I felt like a real couple.  I think I spent all that time dreaming about it, and working towards it as a goal... oh hmm... no wonder people always ask me why I was with her.  Anyways, that wasn't a relationship, it was us trying to be something we weren't.  I've had a much better time working at something that doesn't seem to fight back. 

[Ami]

I needed the board to help me find my core, Darren. I needed to have enough core to be able to be real with s/one before I could connect. They needed enough core to be real with me. That was just the beginning.
 I am such a "nut", that I surprise myself(lol) and not in a good way,but he  allows me to be flawed, very imperfect. I am healing b/c I am being seen and accepted with  flaws and shame.
 I am being loved as a  imperfect person, not as the perfect person I always tried to be.
 In my past relationships, my perfect person connected with the person. I didn't know it,but it was all I knew how to be,so it was not a heart connection, b/c my heart was not available to me.
 I think that your relationship "fit" your emotions ,at the time, and you couldn't help it. You were not "bad' or "wrong". You got twisted b/c of your childhood, as a plant gets twisted if the sun is shining at a strange angle.
 You will heal, Darren, as you face the truth of your life. It is  promise  that the truth will set you free. Keep seeking the truth, Darren, as you are!                       Love    Ami

[Gabben]

I am healing b/c I am being seen and accepted with  flaws and shame.
 I am being loved as a  imperfect person, not as the perfect person I always tried to be.
 

Dear Ami,

It is wonderful for me to hear that you have someone who accepts you, good and bad parts...completely and unconditionally. It does make it easier to look at oneself when we know we are accepted with so much love.

The knowledge of Gods total acceptance came through to me through others, safe others, who on some level I was able to intuitively know that I was not going to be rejected for showing them my rejected self.

God works through others to reach us to lead us back to Him.


For me I have learned that there is a vital link between spiritual warfare and my deep wounds. Since you love the bible, there is a book called the Dealing with the Praise and Rejection of Man by Bob Sorge

http://www.amazon.com/Dealing-Rejection-Praise-Man-Sorge/dp/0962118583/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1206634692&sr=1-1

There is also another book called Deep Wounds- Deep Healing which is about the link between our deep wounds and the spiritual stronghold that carrying those wounds creates.

http://www.amazon.com/Deep-Wounds-Healing-Discovering-Spiritual/dp/0830734112/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1206634731&sr=1-1

Both of these books have been very helpful for me.

Peace

[Betelgeuse]

Ami, I'm not familiar with your story but I feel for you. A few years ago a cousin of mine committed suicide and it was devastating.  My poor auntie, usually bright and talkative, went completely numb for a while and later on spiralled down into self-doubt. I know she'd raised her daughter lovingly and it took her a long time to accept that there never would be any answers. Only her life to live, according to her own lights.

((hugs))

Bee

[Ami]

Thank you Lise,
 I will look in to those books.Thank you for your loving response.
 I think that God could see that I really needed a special gift, with what was ahead of me . He loves us so much to give us wonderful things. "Every Good Gift is from God above......" I can't remember the rest,but the point is that is it He who supplies our needs.               Love    Ami

[Ami]

Thank you, Bee, for telling me about your Aunt. I really am being honest when I say I was a good mother. The times I lost it,by screaming, were very few. I did not shame them or scream AT  them, that I can remember, or if so, very few.
 I always knew the pain my M gave me so I was very aware of my words and actions ,as a mother. My overrding goal was not to be like my M.I was kind to them when they did not feel well.I was available to talk.
 I am trying to look honestly at myself and I don't think I could drive a child to suicide.
 What I DID was let myself be abused. I did not fight back, enough. Scott saw it and as he got older felt that he should help, even though I told him it was my problem.
 I guess he just went "cuckoo" from living in this crazy house.
 I think that his seeing me treated badly was too much for him and then my H trying to "turn him in to  Golden Boy"
 I think the combo was too high a hill for his mind to climb.
 He is in Heaven ,safer that I could ever keep him, so he is OK, now, and I know that.                Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Dear Ami,
I cannot imagine judging anyone who leaves an emotionally arid marriage.
There can be arid seasons, but this has been a huge desert for you.

Will your son go with you?

I am glad you're moving out of the frying pan, and hope you'll go slowly and be self-protective.

love
Hops

[Ami]

Thank you, Hops!                         Hugs,    Ami

[mudpuppy]

Ami,

I thought if you had a good mother, everything would be allright.

The rain falls on the just and the unjust alike; and all flesh is grass.
I thought my wife and I would grow very old together and perhaps we still will, but the odds are against her.
God however is for her as He is for Scott so the rain and the flesh were never more than short stops on a long road.

mud

[Ami]

Thank you, Mud. That was very sweet!                                                 Ami

[Hopalong]

the rain and the flesh were never more than short stops on a long road

Mud. Mud.

Is there bad news?

Sending crocuses,
Hops

[nogadge]

Ami,
we find solace in may ways.  Myself I tend to lean towards music. Reading you opening thread, I found myself going to the song by the Guess Who, Laughing, as to one of the ways I can relate to how it has made me feel to finally see the truth of how my husband was acting towards me behind my back to others these past several years.
Nogadge