overreaction, or not?

[tigerlily]

This is something that has been bothering me for a long time.  After I finally realized my mother was an N, a lot of things became clearer to me, such as her jealousy of anyone who took some else's attention away from her.  I realize now that she drove a wedge in between my father and me so that we couldn't have a normal relationship.  She always said she wanted him and me to be close, but she always tried to put me in a bad light with him.  He must have unconsciously realized what she did (not just with me, but anyone else who might be in his life) so he tried to keep a low profile to keep from riling her up by removing himself emotionally to keep the peace.  When she wasn't around he relaxed and we had a nice, easy going time of it and enjoyed each other, but when she would return to the scene it was amazing how the wall went up. Growing up in this kind of atmosphere I got pretty paranoid about her because I knew I could never trust her motivations.  So now, looking back, I don't know if I have overreacted to the way she handled my dad's death, or if she really did another number on my head.
  Several years ago, after I was married and living 1000 miles away from them, my dad got up at 4 am to go the the bathroom and collapsed in the house from a ruptured abdominal aneurism.  She called 911, they resuscitated him in the ambulance and he actually made it to the hospital.  He was awake enough to hear the doctor tell him and my mother that he was going to have to go into surgery, but that he probably had only a 10% chance of making it through.  His last words to my mother was "It doesn't look too good."  He went through many hours of surgery, made it through, but lived only until 6 pm that night.  My mother had 13 hours to call me and tell me what was going on.  She didn't call me until an hour before he died.  I would have had enough time to fly there and be there with him during his last hours.  But she didn't.  It seemed to me to be a big slap in the face because it was like I was not important enough to be told about something so significant in our family.  When I confronted her about it, her response was "I didn't want to worry you."  I think that excuse is b--- s---.
I should have been given the decision about how I was going to deal with that information. I feel she robbed me of something so dear, and I cannot ever forgive that.  But I am so used to her stuff over the years that I feel like I can't sanely judge whether I am being paranoid about her reaction, or if I am reading this whole episode right. Does anyone have a view on this?

[bunny]

My view: you're reading it right. She prevented you from making a last visit to your father out of jealousy.

{{{ tigerlily }}}

bunny

[Discounted Girl]

my view. Your mother is a monster and did in fact cheat you out of something very very important. It was not her right, she way way overstepped. It is disgusting, vile and unforgiveable. She sounds like my mother, a human pig. How dare they use and abuse and spread such wickedness. Their vampire needs to suck us dry make them appear not to have a soul, I don't know, it's scarey to think about. I don't care what anyone says, to treat their own flesh and blood child in such a manner places them beyond redemption. Wash your hands of the old bag, she is dirt.

[Moonflower]

...

[tigerlily]

What makes me so mad is that she tried to make it seem like she was trying to protect me.
 She always made it look like she was the good soul and I was the ungrateful daughter.  I guess I must have bought into it because I always question myself and doubt my reactions to things.  I am having a hard time breaking that behavior.  I remember her always telling me I shouldn't get angry, that she would never have to get angry but I "took advantage of her good nature" and forced her to be, that I "imagined" something she did because she "would never do that", etc.  As an adult I would allow people to walk all over me because I didn't think I had a right to my feelings or I wasn't sure what I should be feeling.  I am learning gradually to trust my own instincts, but it sure is difficult sometimes.

[tigerlily]

Hi Moonflower
No, I can't sever all ties with her because  am the only child and she is now in a nursing home near me.  I had her living with me for two years because I wanted to do what was right in taking care of her in her old age, but she just about drove me nuts during that time.  The two years brought back all the crap that I thought I had come to terms with, but obviously didn't.  When she got frail enough  physically to need full time care I put her into a nursing home.  I have limited myself to go there once a week to make sure things are going smoothly.  She still has all her mental faculties so she still tries to manipulate, but she is so good at it that to others she appears to be this sweet little old lady.  I should say to others in the family- the people at the nursing home are now on to her.  I mentioned in a previous note that they call her "Queen Victoria" because she is so demanding.  
I am trying to sort out all this crazy behavior I had to grow up with and to get it to make some sense as to why I am the way I am so that I can react to things in a better way, but it is going to take some time.  I am so grateful that I found out the information on narcissism because it made me feel so much better.  And this board is great because the feedback really helps.

[Moonflower]

..........

[Dawning]

Hi tigerlily.  

NOT an overreaction.  

No, I can't sever all ties with her because am the only child

I am my mother's only child too and I used to think that I couldn't sever all ties with her.  But, yes, I can.  I can sever SOME of the ties...ie, the ties that she bound me up with when I was a child/adolescent/young woman that made me responsible for her *weird needs,* the ties that made me defensive and fearful as a little child around her and everyone else in the family; not knowing who I could trust, wanting to love but not being loved.  That family was not a safe place for me as I learned early on and retreated into fantasyland.  I have accepted the reality surrounding the childhood events and I am *cutting the ties* that connected us there (and kept me stuck) and focusing on my own recovery.  Once I do this, I'll be able to handle her crapola alot better in the here and now.  I doubt it will ever be easy but - nursing home or not, living with me when she is old and frail or not - she is not entitled (nor was she ever entitled) to any more of my emotions or my energy in catering to her *weird needs.*

What makes me so mad is that she tried to make it seem like she was trying to protect me.

Oh yes...that bulls*it.  I heard that line and absorbed it for a long time.  Children *need* to trust and that is not a weird need.    The program runs like this:  Gee, I thought, if they are so nice and trying to protect me then I must be the crazy one.  I see now that they were just manipulating me to get their need of supply.  This is not paranoia on my part - as ACON's well know - but if I ever tried to discuss this *theory* with Non-ACON's they never got it so I'm really picky about who I discuss all this stuff with now.
 

She always made it look like she was the good soul and I was the ungrateful daughter.

As you probably know, that was her way of maintaing her false self at your expense.  Were you called "ungrateful?"  I was, time and time again.  It damages our self-esteem, self-confidence and feelings of worthiness.   No wonder my best friend wrote in my year book at the age of 14, "I wish I could give you confidence but I can't and I trust you'll get it one way or another."  Well, I am getting it now.  I am going for what I want and need.  Hell, giving myself permission to want and need.  

I guess I must have bought into it because I always question myself and doubt my reactions to things. I am having a hard time breaking that behavior. I remember her always telling me I shouldn't get angry, that she would never have to get angry but I "took advantage of her good nature" and forced her to be, that I "imagined" something she did because she "would never do that", etc.

I have alot of pent-up anger that has come out over the years in self-destructive behaviour.  It never got me anywhere except further enmeshed in my family's sick need for me to be the one with the problem.  It didn't matter how far away from them I moved.  Anytime I was happy, they seemed threatened and the old childhood program said that I  needed to sabotage what made me happy to get their attention.  NO MORE!!  Breaking the pattern of my behaviour is an on-going process but one thing that has helped is that I am listening to to my soul's desires now and not coming up with fear-based excuses on why I should not pursue my own self-expression in healthy ways.  And, I am learning that by overcoming the fear of being angry I can channel the anger appropriately.

As an adult I would allow people to walk all over me because I didn't think I had a right to my feelings or I wasn't sure what I should be feeling. I am learning gradually to trust my own instincts, but it sure is difficult sometimes.

I'm with ya, tigerlily, and I've had similar experiences.  It truly is a process of re-awakening and recovery.  And may the board be with you.     Imagine I am giving you a big hug now.  

((((tigerlily))))

[Max]

Tiger Lily

These are good replies to your post.  I am so sorry your mother treated you this way.  I definitely believe what she did was intended to manipulate you and deny you that last time with your father.  Further, she probably wanted to be the lonely wife who nobody supported for the hospital staff to see.

I must say however that you need to correct the nursing home staff.  It is not fair to the memory of the real Queen Victoria to allow them to misuse her name that way!

Max

[Anonymous]

Max, you really gave me a good laugh with that Queen Victoria line.  So true!  
Dawning, yes- my Nmother always said I was ungrateful, and, even better, her best line was "You're spoiled, but I didn't spoil you- You spoiled yourself."  That's a good one.  How does a child go about spoiling herself?  No matter what, she made sure she was never at fault.  She would chase me around the house and corner me with a leather belt (at least once a week), beat the hell out of me (letting the strap fall where it may, with resulting welts I had to hide when I went to school), and then tell me afterward that I made her do that.  The awful thing was that I was a decent kid- I never gave her a hard time, although she always saw normal childhood activity that might show some independence or thinking for oneself as giving her a hard time.  My dad had had a younger sister who had brain damage as a youngster from a high fever.  She had to be institutionalized for most of her life.  Anytime I would show anger or emotion my mother would say "Do we have to lock you up like they did with your aunt?  Or she would threaten to tell my father how "bad" I was and then he wouldn't love me anymore.  I loved my dad and couldn't bear to have him think badly of me, so I never told him what she did when he was at work.  Which was the ONLY time she would do these things to me. One thing for sure- it made me determined to make sure my kids were treated with respect when I had them.  And they turned out to be the greatest people.  That is the one thing I am very proud of.

[tigerlily]

Sorry- the previous post (guest) was mine- I forgot to log in.

[Moonflower]

...

[Ellie]

Tigerlily,
Wow! I had forgotten my Nparents telling me I had spoiled myself. You're right - how can a child spoil themselves, and if they could, how could one raised by Ns?

Nmom also beat with a belt and switch. She would tell me to go out in the backyard and rip a switch off the tree for my beating. Of course, being the little child I was, I brought in the smallest limb I could reach and find. It would infuriate her so much that she would grab the belt, beat with it on her way outside to rip off a bigger switch, pulling me with her and yelling all the time she's ripping off the new switch, then beat me with switches in both hands, yelling at me that "see they both can hurt". Then I was dared to cry, if I cried, I got it again and again until I stopped crying - imagine that, a child getting switched all over forcing themself to stop crying thru the pain so the beating would stop. Nparents refute any of that happened. But I vividly remember as though it was yesterday. And the punishment was probably for something like eating a piece of candy she had hidden for herself, but I ate it and lied about it. I couldn't tell the truth; if I did, I wouldn't be here today!

[Discounted Girl]

Boy, they sure are monsters -- anyone who wants to jump on the bandwagon and expose them, come on !!    I don't remember the NQueen beating me with anything except her tongue with her lies and smear compaigns and efforts to embarrass her little girl. I do, however, remember one time while my dad was whipping me with a belt that I looked at her and she was laughing, not smiling or smirking, but outright laughing. What a pig.    I can still hear her whispering to my dad, telling him lies about something or other that I had or had not done, and how he looked at me while he listened to her, and how ashamed I felt, but I didn't know why. My mouth would go dry and my little heart would hammer and I would think, "Oh, I'm in so much trouble!" But, then I would try to figure out what I had done and I couldn't understand.    Many nights I lay awake wondering why I was such a disappointment to her -- those nights continued for 40 years till the brick fell on my head and the lights came on.    All my friends' parents liked me and treated me so nice, then I would go home and hear about what a rotten person I was. Aye, carumba !  

[Moonflower]

......