The Child sacrifices his/her true self to emotionally survive

[Leah]

VARIATIONS IN MATERNAL FUNCTIONING


The Ideal Mother                                                                               The Borderline Mother

Comforts her child                                                                                    Confuses her child

Apologizes for inappropriate behaviour                                                         Does not apologize or remember inappropriate behavior 

Takes care of herself                                                                                 Expects to be taken care of

Encourages independence in her children                                                     Punishes or discourages independence

Is proud of her children's accomplishments                                                    Envies, ignores or demeans her children's accomplishments

Builds here children's self esteem                                                                 Destroys, denigrates, or undermines her children's self esteem

Responds to her children's changing needs                                                    Expects her children to respond to her needs

Calms and comforts her children                                                                   Frightens and upsets her children

Disciplines with logical and natural consequences                                             Disciplines inconsistently or punitively

Expects that her children will be loved by others                                             Feels left out, jealous, or resentful if the child is loved by someone else

Never threatens abandonment                                                                     Uses threats of abandonment, (or actual abandonment) to punish the child

Believes in her children's basic goodness                                                         Does not believe in her children's basic goodness

Trusts her children                                                                                      Does not trust her children


It helps, to see the real difference.

Leah x

[Ami]

That is good, Leah. I see the differences between my Aunt and my M . One gives and one takes. The one who takes (my M) will meet her needs, at all costs, even if the cost IS the children and it is.    Love    Ami
 

[Leah]

((((( Ami )))))

My Auntie and my Mother were like "chalk 'n' cheese" -- opposites.   I loved spending time with my Auntie, especially, staying over at weekends, sadly, my Mother abruptly ended that pleasure.

However, just knowing the difference must have been so good for us -- as a child.

Love, Leah

[Leah]

Most people would not believe what goes on in Borderline families. The dynamics are intense, destructive, and subtle and not readily apparent to the casual observer. However as Dr. Lawson
points out,

"Children of borderlines learn to sacrifice their true selves because survival requires that they meet their mother's emotional needs." p. 155 - 156.

An adult client told me of a conversation he had with his mother who wondered why she had no relationships with her other adult children and grandchildren, and the client said that he said to her, "Because mom you create an emotional vortex. It is too draining." He told me he wasn't sure if his mother understood but his siblings understood immediately and the term "emotional vortex" has become a catch phrase in these adult siblings' discussions of their mother.

The emotional vortex refers to the fact that the borderline mother needs to be the center of attention all the time. She often creates high drama in order to get and keep attention. She has a need to be right and does not tolerate disagreement or points of view other than her own. People learn quickly that to get along with her they must go along otherwise there will be conflict or the emotional cut-off. Every issue and topic is all about her. Other people's feelings and ideas are disregarded or denigrated as not important or being unworthy of consideration.

Dr. Lawson writes further:

"Autonomy, the freedom of self-direction and self-expression, is impossible for the borderline's child. Because the borderline mother views separation as betrayal and punishes self-assertion, the child develops a false self. The true self is buried alive." p. 156

Children of borderline mothers often are afraid of their mother. She is unpredictable, emotional intense and volatile, can be accusatory, unreasonable, and denigrating. Dr. Lawson says,

"However, children of borderlines experience a qualitative difference in their experience of being mothered. Fortunately, most children do not get 'the willies' when hearing their mother's voice." p. 157

Children of borderlines are continually doing a "risk assessment" monitoring their mother's moods so they can manage the situations and protect themselves.

Borderline mothers often do what is called "splitting" which means that she spits off the good and the bad in herself and projects that onto others. Therefore, it is common for the borderline mother to have the "all good child" and the "all bad child" or the "fair haired boy or girl", the so called "golden child", and the "black sheep" or the "scapegoat."

As Dr. Lawson describes the borderline mother often does "forced teaming" with the good child saying to the all good child things like, "You're just like me" and "You're the only one I can depend on" and "If it weren't for you, my life wouldn't be worth living." This all good child is often called "the parentified child" because the child is forced to behave like a parent taking care of the mother in a role reversal where the child takes care of the parent and the other siblings. Dr. Lawson says:

"A parentified child intuitively knows that her role is inappropriate and is terrified knowing that she is solely responsible for her parent's happiness. She should never be placed in the impossible position of being responsible for her parent's life." p.163

The all good child of the borderline mother often grows up to be a caretaker. She/he is very good at meeting other people's needs, but does not feel worthy to meet his/her own. The all good child often feels guilty that they survived the abuse especially relative to the no-good child. As adults the all good child of the borderline mother is depressed and anxious and doesn't know why. A friend of mine told me that his therapist told him repeatedly, "You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a high quality life." He told me that at first he brushed his therapist off and then intellectually agreed that this was true but with repeated statements over months he said he became annoyed and then angry. He said one day it hit him that yes he did deserve to be happy and he was angry that no one had ever told him this before. He said he went into his therapy session and cried and said "I understand now what you have been telling me and I am pissed that in all these years no one has ever told me before what you are telling me, that I deserve to be happy! This, of course, is the birthright of every child, but with children of borderline mothers, it is clear that their role is to meet the emotional needs of the mother not the other way around. The satirical point is made with the needle point hung on the living room wall which says, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" This, unfortunately, is no joke for a child growing up in a borderline family.

[Ami]

Dear Leah
 That was a great post. I DO get the willies when I hear her voice. That is for sure.The best we can do now is come out of denial.Leah, I appreciate your posts and kindness.   Love   Ami

[Leah]

(((((( Ami )))))))

Denial is deadly to ones soul. 

I have not been in denial, but rather, rendered "voiceless" -- as no-one would accept that anything was untoward regarding Mother.   My Mother wears a golden mask!   

I have been thinking this morning, questioning as to how many other people are suffering the same, world over, today and tomorrow. 

Thank goodness for the internet, though sadly, not all have access to it's resources.

Regarding my Mother's voice, my tummy used to flip at the sound, and my knees quiver as I walked up her garden path, with tummy churning.   Mercifully, I don't choose to suffer that, no more.

I have had a BIG eureka moment today and I finally "get it" regarding the Borderline Narcissist.

Narcissistic PD is on a continuum, from slight narcissism traits to malignant (full blown) narcissist, and there is borderline narcissist.


I very much appreciate your kind considerate posts, "thank you" Ami

Love to you,

Leah

[Ami]

Dear Leah
 I am touching on that deep belief that I couldn't want anything for myself. I am "disputing" that belief, now.  Love    Ami

[Leah]

Dear (((( Ami ))))

I lived so much of my life with an inner belief of surrender to others in my life, and not wanting anything for myself, so I do understand what you are sharing right now.

However, please know that YOU will shatter that old ingrained belief -- and have a deep joy of anticipation and hope for YOUR future, as an authentic whole person.

The difference is remarkable, and ongoing, as each new day is so much brighter with real living hope.

Love to you,

Leah

[Gaining Strength]

I started to read your thread when you first posted it.  I had to stop half way down the list because it was too painful.  I now understand that i am descending into the mire so deeply in order to emerge out of the other side.  To have had a mother and a father who trained my siblings to reject me as well.  I also had no aunts or uncles or anyone who saw what was happening and who offered me a soft place. 

I am so thankful for these discussions of such profound material.  The pain in delving into this mess yet again is indescribable but I am thankful for the work you are doing as it helps pull me into that maternal emotional vortex yet again so that this time I can emerge in a very different place.  I know I cannot do this work without the help of a few here.  I hope some will stand beside me while I dive in.  I am afraid - afraid of what I will experience and afraid that I don't have enough fortitude (resources) and afraid that I will not be whole when I emerge.

[darren]

I find this to be a really interesting topic.  When coming to term with my ex I thought often about the concept of the true self and the false self.  She had some seriously abusive and traumatic experiences in her childhood, and often it seemed as though she had a false persona constructed to protect a very fragile and over sensitive authentic self... which was just too wounded to ever show itself and risk getting hurt.  I imagine in situations like hers the sacrifice of the authentic self goes to extremes.

Having a probable personality disorder myself and recognizing my ex's inability to recognize her problem, I often wonder if I have a false self of my own and am constantly looking for ways to reach that authentic self and make it feel worthy of coming out and breaking through all those defenses.

Regardless, it seems all people who have been through abuse have these problems on some level.  It seems like people get wounded and have there esteem attacked, and just don't feel like they have a voice... and don't seem to feel they are worthy enough to be entitled to their true feelings.  Sometimes I think I'm just a wounded little child trapped in an adult body, and all my issues stem from the defenses developed to protect myself and keep myself from getting wounded all over again.

[gratitude28]

Once again, Leah, you have picked out the most appropos parts of an article and made them simple to see. It is very true for us that this is how our NMs behaved and DO behave. It is still this way for me. I have to change myself, because I know I will never change how she acts toward me or my kids. She tries to belittle me and attempts to belittle my kids (I am quick to jump in and tell the kids she is joking or doesn't understand what she said). For this reason, I will forever limit contact with her and never trust her again.

Thanks, Leah, for making these points so clear.

Love, Beth

[sKePTiKal]

Good Topic, Leah - and thank you!

My mom fits almost perfectly into your list of the BPD mom. It helps a bit to know this; it helps counter the completely reality-changing sense of self that developed as a child - that there was something wrong with ME that caused her to be this way.

Obviously: not true...

[towrite]

Leah, this post is so clear. Thank you for putting it up. I see my ex-sister-in-law, the mother of my nephews and neice, as well as my NP's. I had never even considered that they would be resentful or jealous if someone else loved me. Makes me understand now why they tried to run off all my friends and lovers.

Another thing, Shame Slayer, is I never ever thought of my NP's training my sibs to reject me. Since both of them did, there seems no other conclusion. Thanks for that insight, but it sure is a new, painful one.

towrite

[Leah]

(((Shame Slayer)))  I too found this quite painful, and impactive, in so much as the reality glaring back at me with regard to my Mother training her children to see their sibling as "bad" and then to encourage the siblings to gloat - at their sibling being shut outside - in the cold - on the outside looking in.

A lifetime of living in fear of my own Mother -- some people just can't get that, because they have been blessed with the "ideal" version of Mother (and/or Father).

(((Kate aka Towrite)))  Yes, I can resonate with the being "run off" by my mother and my sister.  It is painful to see as written that which we have experienced, however, the insight and understanding of the reason why and what they have done, and are continuing to do, I feel, helps give peace to the situation. 

They are not going to change and behave any differently UNLESS they seek help with an acknowledgement and a desire to change.

Their reality is not our reality - that's the big difference which has been so painful to us, throughout their gaslighting works in an attempt to change OUR reality - and surrender our self.

(((Amber)))  That is so true, I see now that we were programmed to believe and accept that we were born for a purpose - to sacrifice our true self as a child in order to redeem the "Split" "bad" of our parent - which was projected onto us as a small child - upon selection.

(((Darren)))  We had no voice, or only a little voice, and we were not heard, or seen in most instances.   I used to feel invisible sometimes.  I can well understand the protective defenses building up to prevent not being hurt again -- however, working on building healthy emotional boundaries, I feel, makes such a difference.

(((Beth)))  Thank you, and I do hear what you say with regard to your children, very much so.   Mother would telephone me and belittle my son, which would make me cry, and then dig into me. 
Looking at the comparision listing really helped me see the difference, and also, explained so clearly as to why friends don't "get it" -- they can't, because they have the other mother, the "ideal mother"

What I now understand is that I could not have prevented the wrath from my Mother - instead, quite simply, I was chosen as a sacrifice for her "Split" self.

I need not wonder any longer, as to why it was, is, that no matter what I did or tried to do - Mother would not budge an inch - or change - "why should I change?!" being her lifelong mandate.

My Mother owns her reality - and she can keep it, to her self, as the owner.



Thank you, everyone, for your validation and genuine kindness, which I truly value and appreciate.

Love, Leah  (feeling a little bit 'mole whacked' yet at the same time - feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders)

[Diana1]

I don't know who / where / what I am, but not in the pysical sense.

My mother married, had two kids and then divorced. She then went on to give birth to me (I've never met my father, and know only the little that my mother has told me. She then went on to have another child from another man, again with no father/child contact.

I feel empty most of the time, I am very sensitive to critism and am overly conciencious.I'm 40 yrs old. I am a very strong controlled and very competent person, but sometimes I do snap.

It's the emptyness that bothers me, how on earth do you fill it in.

I don't like my mothers character, She probably is a narcissist, but at the same time somewhere deep down I remember hugs ...

On the outside I look like a kind of role model because everything around me looks good, and I do appreciate it.

Anytime that I hit bottom my thoughts go back to what I used to say to myself when I was child,
That nobody could love me ( the absent father ).  I probably married a narcissist ( thus giving credibility to my thoughts that nobody could love me...........or do I have the problem? again , I don't know

Do any of you feel empty? Is this normal?