Time to Plumb the Depths Again

[Gaining Strength]

It's time to plumb the depths of shame yet again.  It's true that I have made great progress but it is also true that I have still a long way to go.  I knew that I had made progress and yet I knew that it was not enough, that I was not free, that I was still bound and I was feeling shamed about getting acknowledgement here about progress.  I have been feeling inauthentic, afraid you all would turn away when you realized I was still bound up.  It is that unbearable fear of abandonment that has plagued me lifelong.

I need this place and I need the encouragement that I have received here.  I am so afraid of being abandoned and that has nothing to do with my experience here but from my experiences beginnning in early childhood.  I am a child now.  I think that is unavoidable in this healing process.  I have found in 3-D life that when I present my vulnerable self to "healing" people that I am yet again shamed and rejected.  I am understanding this process - though I doubt many of you would understand or buy it.  I think the shame I have carried through life is so enormous that when "healers" bump into it they pour it back on me rather than help me out of it as a sort of self protective action.  For some reason here that does not seem to happen.

Now I am going to go a little deeper into the shameand I do hope that some here will take this journey with me and hold me up.  It is truly a frightening step.  I am afraid - afraid of what I will find and afraid that I will get so far in that I cannot come back out.  I am afraid of being abandoned on the way.  Someone said to me recently that another person's abuse was so much greater than mine - but how could they know that.  I cannot allow myself to belittle my own wounding and call it insignificant.  To have a life paralyzed is about as crippled as possible.  For me there could be no greater loss and to have to climb out of the paralysis all on my own with no help in 3D life is wretched.  Perhaps a great fear is having my wounds and my pain belittled here as they have been throughout my life in 3D.

I know that my father set about to belittle me and keep me as a child and I have wondered since my husband died why he has not reached out to help me in any way.  Neither my father nor my mother would have survived had their parents not left them huge amounts of money.  My father set me up to be childish and wanted for me to never grow up and when I did he has continued to try to squash me.  That mindset was established in my family so that my brothers continued it as well.   Now I must break it but it is very, very frightening.  I would think that being stuck in squalor was more frightening. I don't know why summoning the determination and strength is so frightening.

I remember many years ago a male therapist asked me what difference it made if I did something to alienate my father.  I knew in that instant that he could never help me and I felt in that instant the very same belittlement that I had experienced with my father.  I was bound up with my father because I saw him as all powerful.  He graduated from top prep schools and an ivy league college, he was wealthy with a large  circle of friends, he was strong and held important positions in the community, sitting on bank boards and on city council.  I could not have seen that in truth he was weak nor that he not only did not love me but that he despised me as he despised himself.  I longed to be just like him.

I could not see that he despised women and that I would try to squash many of my feminine qualities to please him.  I could not see that he had a disease - OCD and that he chose to do things the hardest way possible as a badge of honor when inrealilty it was a recipe for complete disaster.  I could not see that he constantly set me up to fail by demanding results without giving me the necessary resources.  This is the trap that I have not yet broken free from.  This is the trap that is very, very difficult to describe even to this group that understands more than any other set of people I have encountered.  First of all there is often resentment around money - I grew up being resented because I had money and yet it was only my father who had money.  I didn't and I didn't have access to his money.  The one thing I could be assured was that if I expressed a desire for something then I would not get it.  My father believed and even stated that "you get what you deserved."  What he meant by this is that you have to sit and wait and if you deserve it it will befall you.  He completely set me up to be a passive recipient who was taught that it was wrong to set a goal and go after it.  I could write a book on this one aspect of my psyche.  I probably should.  You can imagine how I became resentful of others who received the things or opportunities that I longed for.  The good stuff never befell me.  Now - now in middle age - I must teach myself how to set a goal and go after it.  Why is that so frightening?  Because my father used to set me up.  He would say you must go and accomplish this and then give me only half the material I needed with no resources to get the rest and in fact if I attempted to get the rest and he found out he would punish or humiliate me. 

These are the dynamics that I am working with:
     1) The person who should have loved me, the life-giver - pulling the rug out from underneath me, sabotaging me
     2)  The life-giver demanding that I always do my best like his friends children but then not giving me the necessary resources
          (I have no doubt that this is why I have always identified with the underclass.  This is exactly what happens to the underclass)
     3)  The person who gave me life became enraged if I succeeded.
     4)  The person who gave me life demanded that I be passive and raged if I cried or complained that the good stuff went to others and not me. (This one is the most debilitating - This one carries the most emotional charge, the most shame.)  This is it - if I tried to lift myself up out of the darkness that was when I got the most humiliation and the most rejection.  This is where I am stuck right now, trying to life myself out of the darkness and feeling kicked back down.  That kicked back down is old stuff.  I pray that I can get some clearer perspective on this so that I can move past this.

[Ami]

Dear GS
 Deep pain takes time.You were very courageous to write about these gut wrenching ,painful issues. It is a step to breaking the shame. Shame exists in darkness. Light is a step to dispel it.
 *I* have been guilty of "comparing abuse". I will never do it again, ever. It is a defense mechanism to minimize my own abuse. I have done it all my life, beginning with "people who live in nice houses" could not be abused. I continued it  until, now.
 All abuse wounds and kills. It is not a "comparable " thing.It is like "Would you rather die by sword or fire?It is stupid. If *I* did it to you, I am sorry ,to the core, GS.
 Your shame is NOT yours. We take the shame on, *I* did. However,it is so clear to me, that it is not "yours". Alice Miller would help with this. When you can put back on your parents what was theirs, your head gets clearerer. It was theirs. It was.
 Finding  a "healing partner" is a "gift". It is one of those gifts that just comes to you. 99% of the people would not be able to do this. Their own pain would push you back. Their own 'unhealed" wounds rise up and push you away.
 It was NOT your fault for looking for help. It was your survival instinst, GS.
I know this produces shame ,too, of course.
 I am here for you, always,to the best of my ability. We are on the same path. What other path is there, GS, no matter HOW long it takes. If s/one else does not like it-----F###  them.         Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I don't like my new name "Got Strength".  I need to change it to something that reflects where i am.  I do have some strength but that is not where my focus needs to be - I am trying to think of something more like softness or compassion or comfort.  That is where I am going. 

For the first time in my life I am seeing that I can move out of squalor and into comfort.  I can move into the life and lifestyle that I have longed for and felt shut out of.  I see so well that I have shut myself out of so much because I have been trapped by these wounds and though I did not put myself in them, yet I am the only one who can get myself out of them.  I long to be loved and to feel love.  i long to have pretty clothes and a pretty house and to entertain and have friends.  I long to believe in myself and to be able to generate the necessary income to have the financial resource to accomplish the things that please me and give me renewed life.   

I know I have identified the major blockages above.  i know that this is the most significant step yet and that there will be clean up after this but that this will blow the logjam out of the water so that the restoration process will begin at long, long last.  At long last but in time to help me be a better mother.

PS well "shame slayer" is not exactly soft but it is reflective of where i am and it feels good.  I will morph into something softer when I emerge from the vortex.  I need my strength for this battle and can revert and emphasize the more feminine qualities when I have emerged victorious.  (My son and I have been reading King Arthur. I think it has entered my own being.)

[Ami]

As I face that it was my M who was the "wrong" one, I feel more "sane". We protect them, subconsciously, and TAKE the blame on ourselves. It is just what the child does.
 We will never be able to heal until we put on them what WAS theirs(IME)
 I am feeling better,now. My mind feels more sane.
 I want my mind ,back, so badly ,as I know you do, GS.
 A new name could be Growing Strong. I feel like *I* am growing strong, as I accept truth. Remember Papillion. I PMed him and asked him to come back. He has gone to the depths in life and in his own sould and has a wisdom, strength and tenderness b/c of it. That is my goal.     Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

It is a defense mechanism to minimize my own abuse. That is powerful Ami.  Thank you for this.  It makes perfect sense to me and I can carry this forward in the future so that when I feel minimized again I will remember that what I am receiving is very likely a defense mechanism.  I so appreciate the gift of your acknowledgement and the profound insight that you have in identifying it.


 Finding  a "healing partner" is a "gift". It is one of those gifts that just comes to you. 99% of the people would not be able to do this. Their own pain would push you back. Their own 'unhealed" wounds rise up and push you away.
This really gets me.  It punches all my buttons because of the countless times I have sought help and compassion and understanding and healing only to have my own shame be turned around on me.  To read these words is such a great release.  It is much like the first time I read about narcissism.  To read these words cuts open the sarcophogus that I have been entombed in.  So many times I have turned to people who claimed themselves to be healers or pastoral or therapists and have my own shame turned in on me.  My orignial wounds became embalmed and made permanent and inaccessible because of the dozens of people who shamed me for my own pain and own wounds.  This pain is indescribable.  This pain is as strong if not stronger than the original wounds because it fit what my father did so perfectly.  It confirmed to me that I deserved nothing that I deserved only the dregs, that i deserved to be banished to the margins of life always looking in and never invited.  This is my great pain.  I must go in here mustn't I?

We are on the same path. What other path is there, GS, no matter HOW long it takes. If s/one else does not like it-----F###  them.     
I am ready to enter into the F### 'em land.  I am enraged though i do not want to be the raging bull that I have been at times in my life.  I am enraged but I must find the right way to channel that rage.  I will not be belittled again. I am angry but I am also compassionate and filled with a loving heart.  I will not be trampled again.  I will dig down and find my roots and feel the profound love that is generating and co-creating and bountiful and I will turn my back on the darkness and shame and lack of compassion that 99% of the world offers up in their own defensiveness.  I will not be shamed anymore.  I need help to get there but I am clearly on my way.  Thanks to you Ami and all the others who have been willing to walk with me.  I was ashamed that I have discovered the need for much more work but I have thrown that off today and am willing to go the depths.

[Ami]

Dear GS
 F##k  them "land" is NOT harsh, just strong.   Love  Ami

(((((((((GS)))))

[Gaining Strength]

 I am experiencing something very difficult to describe - a surge of power mixed with the same old paralysis and shame.  I am believing that the power will break the walls of shame - destroy them, send them crashing to the ground. 

I have begun to see the images of who "I" really am.  I have had many, many glimpses throughout my life but did not know that was what I was seeing.  I thought what i saw was just wishful thinking and grandiose ideas but they were not, they were reflections of the true me that never, never died and now I know I can recoup them and live into them.

As I am writing I am seeing that I can begin to do things for that little precious child for whom things were never done.  Suddenly I am seeing that that is where my power is going to come from.  Does that make any sense?  I can get up and clean for that precious child who was so deeply shamed.  i can borrow money from my wretched father to restore the non-functional bathroom and get grass planted where only weeds grow and clean up my house so that once again we can invite people over and be humans again. 

I may call today.  God give me the strength and courage to move into the healing and open my heart to experience the true love.  Give me the strength and courage to confront my greatest fears and shame and trust You to carry me unharmed through the fires.

[Gaining Strength]

NOT ENOUGH

Not enough it just how I feel when i start to tackle a task.  Not enough.  I do not do enough. I do not have enough.  I do not accomplish enough.

That is one of the lies of this shame - not enough.

I am going to try to go into these feelings - not enough - until I become enough and have enough and do enough.  It is shaming to not be enough, to not have enough, to not accomplish enough.

So I am learning that I will  move into a space where I can set goals and "actively" persue them not waiting for manna to fall passively into my lap.  (This brings up a whole other ball of wax about "the haves" v. "the have nots" and the philosophy that makes "the haves" feel so superior to the "have nots".  I have always believed (don't know why) that we must help each other out.  No man is an island. and yet in our culture we like to claim that the best and the brightest got there on their own and owe nothing to noone.  I don't buy it.  The best are up there pulling others up along with them.  That's the best.  And that is where I plan to be - working my way to the top and pulling as many along as I can.)

I am gonig to move into a place where I am enough.  When I feel that way I will know that I have arrived.

[James]

Gs........"my therapist asked me what difference it would make if I did something to alienate my father" You have been wise and true to yourself to recognize what this man did to you, under the guise of a "therapist". He was lying to himself, and then to you, and you sensed the truth. You had to be very strong to reject this and I think you still have that same strength/insight to go forward now. Your internal sensors were right. It is a very painful journey back, but you can do it. You seem to be gathering strength and choosing to leave denial behind. This is a major step! Listen to your feelings, when you can find them, and learn to trust what they are telling you even though the truth may feel horrible. What you fear is abt your dad, parents, not you.......Love, James

[Juno]

You ARE enough, Shame Slayer.  What is going on here is simply UNCHARTED TERRITORY.  Simply?  Well, it won't be simple or easy.  But it is a new land, a new world.  With everything which that implies.  You will find that you are enough, have enough, do enough.

I want to say up front, that I am at a messy time in my journey.  But I am with you on this.  There are enough commonalities here that I think my support will be of use to you.  I mostly want to listen and take it in.  Because of the commonalities, I think I will learn important things at the same time as you.  I think, though, that "saying" will be less useful than hearing. 

I will do my best, Shame Slayer.  Please keep going no matter what.

I think the shame that was planted in you is like an illusion.  A trick.  Because most of it was never yours.  It was bestowed or off-loaded. 

[seasons]

Shame Slayer,
I wanted to add my support and most importantly let you know you will never be left, abandonded, you are loved and valued.
You are in need and we are here.
Thier is a lot of history, I hear your pain. ((comfort to you)) seasons

I think the shame that was planted in you is like an illusion.  A trick.  Because most of it was never yours.  It was bestowed or off-loaded.

Juno.........I resonate with your thoughts.
 Your in my heart also. seasons

[Ami]

Dear SS
 I know you are at a point of mind blowing pain.  I  hear the pain, fear,uncertainty and despair. We have been together ,on the board, for a long time, and you are "different" now, more in touch with the deepest layers of pain.
 To me, you are at a hopeful place, even though it may seem the opposite(hopeless)
 I was at the place you are,I think, when I came on the board. I HAD to heal. I had the last gasp of a drowning man before I gave up and went under.I have been criticized, very much, as you know,but you know what? I don't care. I didn't then and I don't now.
We have been through the worst with our parents. What we experience now is only "bad" be/c we have the template of abuse in our heads.
 We CAN change the template. I am doing that . I think you can hear and see that ,SS.I think you have HOPE,now. I think you have an inkling that you can change and be whole. I think you have turned the corner frim despair to hope,in the deepest corners of your mind.
 I think you know ,down deep,that this time, the door to health will open and you can walk through. I think you are at a very good place, even though it feels very,very bad. That is how I see it. Push aside what does not fit,SS.
 I am on the journey beside you.Truth will never hurt as much as lies. I faced one of the worst truths there is and I am stronger and more whole. My life makes sense ,in a new way. I see the reasons for my life  ,in a new way.
 I am getting  compassion for myself. I endured a lot to still be sitting here, typing this to you.
When it is all said and done, we will have s/thing precious to offer others b/c they will "know" we have been to hell and back and  are "safe". I feel that way with James b/c he HAS been to hell and back. It is a trip few take and few survive intact enough to help another.
 I have hope, SS ,and will share all that I have with you.   Love   Ami

(((((((SS))))))))

[Juno]

I have always believed (don't know why) that we must help each other out.  No man is an island. and yet in our culture we like to claim that the best and the brightest got there on their own and owe nothing to noone.  I don't buy it.  The best are up there pulling others up along with them.  That's the best.

Yes, you have got this exactly right.  Those who claim otherwise are liars.  Illusions again.

[Gaining Strength]

Yesterday when I started this thread I was like a steam roller gathering steam and the CRASH the board went down.  When it came back on hours later I had a very strange reaction.  I had a hard time coming to this thread again and reading responses or posting.  It was as if the emotion yesterday was so strong and then SNAP the conduit was broken. 

I definitely have a tremendous fear about pouring out my feelings, about how they will be received and about expectations.  I am thankful beyond words for the support I am receiving.  I have a busy day with my little one as school winds down and that makes it difficult to get back on track here but I am determined to find a way to continue plumbing the depths.

On a side note after the site went down I was actually able to get a lot of work done.  I so want to crash this veil that has held me imprisoned for too long.  Last night I had a powerful dream in which my late husband had "paved over" something that I loved.  Two things about it were that he never asked me = just went ahead and acted and what he did merely ruined what I loved and would never have worked functionally - it was totally ill conceived.  This was so powerfully reminiscent of what life could be like with him.  So much of my needs and desires just paved over.  One of Leah's threads awakened this in me.  I realize I have work to do on this as well but I suspect that once I heal the childhood issues the marriage stuff will fall away.  It was all built on the childhood house of cards anyway.

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Juno.  It is a powerful lie that can crush people, especially ones who have been so damaged early in life.