Author Topic: Time to Plumb the Depths Again  (Read 9380 times)

seasons

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #30 on: May 20, 2008, 11:41:55 PM »

((SS)) I came upon this today, thought of you and your work, then thought of all of us.
We can help eachother heal and grow towards inner peace and love.
((Together))

Prayer of Thanks for Friends

I want to thank you, Gracious Lord,
for the good friends you give me;
they are for me a priceless bounty.
Thanks to them, friendship is neither an abstraction,
nor a distant, almost impossible, dream.
I owe to your providence, Lord,
the possibility of counting on
the constant help of friends.
Between me and them you have formed a solid bridge,
which can withstand all threats of destruction.
The happiness with which you have blessed us
enables us to enrich one another.
Lord, there was something astonishing,
almost mysterious,
in the way I met my friends;
it was always outside the expected pattern.
But you alone know the reasons
that drew us closer together.
This surprise and joy are refreshing,
and I experience them anew
at every step of my life.
Not all proved to be steadfast friends,
but I have to thank you
for the faithful ones.
I promise to do everything in my power
to deserve this precious gift
that you have reserved for me.
I ask you, Gracious Lord, to keep them safe in your hands,
for they are yours above all.
Amen.


seasons
"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
Maya Angelou

Ami

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #31 on: May 21, 2008, 07:30:09 AM »
That is a wonderful poem, Seasons. The "mysterious" part about friends coming in to your life is true, for me What gifts friend  can be. . It has to be God. It could not happen, otherwise.
 It is wonderful when God uses us in s/one else's life, too. Either way,it is what makes life beautiful.        Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #32 on: May 21, 2008, 07:33:11 AM »
Thinking of you, SS.
Your reaching out is a wonderful step to combat shame. I know you were shamed for "needing" anything from others. Anything you can do to combat old shaming messages will show you they are not true.
 You are embraced and loved when you reach out.
 I am sending thoughts of peace your way.   Love    Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gaining Strength

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #33 on: May 21, 2008, 08:48:00 AM »
James your words are like a torch to an iceburg.  I am using them to  melt the shame frozen to my memories.  What a surprise to read them and such a surprise as to how words can melt the darkness away.  I could not respond when I first read them.  It took some time to process the experience.  My words cannot convey the depths of my appreciation.

Ami, you wrote, "I know you were shamed for "needing" anything from others."  How did you know.  I have found myself retreating from this verythread since I posted it.  I will come on line and read others but have great difficulty coming here.  And you have described precisely why this has been so difficult for me.  I had no idea how deep the depths of this shame was.  I don't think I yet know.  I am ashamed at asking for help and then I retreat because I feel unworthy and because I expect to be shamed for asking and needing and not receiving in the "proper" way.  All of these expectations are frozen in the memories of past experience.  Thank you for helping me and not abandoning me in this struggle.

Seasons - That is such a beautiful prayer.  It reminds me of a song we used to sing at camp chapel based on the bible verses - no man is an island, no man stands alone.  I remember singing that as a 10, 11 and 12 years old and feeling so very, very alone.  It ia astonishing to me how alone I feel and how frightening it is for me to ask for help even here, from cyber friends.  So much damage to be undone.  So much compassion here - thanks.

Certain Hope

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #34 on: May 21, 2008, 09:22:13 AM »
Dear SS,

Just a note to let you know that I'm still remembering you in my prayers... for direction and guidance, and for liberation from those old emotional and mental ruts, as the Lord Jesus stands up in your boat and speaks to the howling storm, "Peace, be still!!" 
And I don't think He whispered it, either.
I remember hearing years ago that a more literal translation of those words would be:  "Shut up now!!!"
Often, that's just exactly what the storms of my own thought processes and emotions need to hear.

And I'm so thankful that our shame doesn't make Him cringe or turn away.
He took it willingly upon Himself and gives us, in return, a spotless white robe.
That takes my breath away... and lifts my thoughts out of the old grooves into a new level of certain hope... for you and me both.

With love,
Carolyn

Leah

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #35 on: May 21, 2008, 09:28:24 AM »
Bless you (((((( Seasons )))))

Thank you for sharing such a precious pearl.

Which is new to me, yet it speaks of my heart, with deep gratitude.

Love, Leah


((((((( Shame Slayer ))))))))

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

We never truly walk alone.

Love, Leah
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

Hopalong

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #36 on: May 21, 2008, 11:44:42 AM »
Dear SS,

I am grateful to you for asking for help.
You let me feel useful, you let us know our hearing makes a difference.

We honor each other with that vulnerability, and with our requests for help and support.

You got mine, hon.

lots of love to you,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Gaining Strength

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #37 on: May 21, 2008, 04:00:04 PM »
I got somewhere.  I found a blockage.  I felt paralyzed by the shame and stayed with it.  I found my anger and rage towards my father and towards my mother.  I have been aware of my feelings towards them but did not make the connection to this shame stuff.

In the past I have seen how the anger towards them became turned inwards and fueled my depression.  That has kept me from seeing the relationship with the shame.

For much of my adult life I expressed rage and anger towards other triggers but the rage i felt was disproportionate to the triggering incident.  I will have to process each of these differently because my anger towards my father is different from my anger towards my mother.  My father did not allow any expression of anger nor expression of any negative emotions.  I have long been aware of my anger towards him but what I have discovered today puts it all in a new perspective. 

Now I have to figure out what to do next.  I fully understand how my paralysis is parallel with my experience of dealing with my parents.  This is a direct outcropping of each of their separate actions and attitude of sabotage towards me.  I have internalized their sabotage and that is my paralysis.  Now I must process this stuff.  Not sure how but I'll do the same thing again until I can go no farther.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #38 on: May 21, 2008, 04:30:02 PM »
Could be, you might find a connection between the incidents that triggered your rage disproportionately - and how your parents treated you. I saw patterns in how overwhelmed I was at work - how people took advantage of me - and how I was treated by my parents: I could express the anger and identify what made me angry (usually a boundary violation) when it happened with these other people. It took a bit of time to link those patterns up with my mom & dad. And I had to practice "no" - I didn't know I could say no to people; that it was allowed. This was a revelation.

Being prohibited from feeling, expressing anger as a child myself - I know that all my bouts of anger-meltdown were followed by shame-attacks...

One technique my T taught me that helped was "the anger room" - I was to put the other person in this room, in my mind - then it was no holds barred: I could be as angry as I wanted to be... in the anger room. It's great for when the risks involved in expressing your anger in reality are too great - it allows the feeling to BE - to peak - and to exhaust itself, diminishing it's power... and it helps to get to what is behind or below the anger, to get the anger itself out of the way.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Leah

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #39 on: May 21, 2008, 04:33:47 PM »
Dear Shame Slayer,

Today, after I had prayed and sat still for a while with my thoughts, I arose from my chair and stood in the middle of the room and proclaimed "they are NOT going to sabotage my life any longer"  "enough is enough"  -- then made a cup of tea!  It was the best cuppa I've had in a long time!

You see, I realized as I saw clearly, that they; parents, siblings, and exh -- had sabotaged and then left me in a heap -- whilst they carried on with their life in a business as usual attitude.

Well, NOW is the time for Leah to arise and walk on -- the shackles of oppression were forged by their thoughts, words and actions -- and NOW I really do feel free -- because I know why.

I feel it a true privilege to walk with you, dear SS, as your shackles clang to the floor -- and you too walk free.

((((((( SS ))))))))

Love to you,

Leah
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

Ami

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #40 on: May 21, 2008, 05:03:59 PM »
Dear SS,                                                                                                                                                                                                I am seeing my M as she REALLY was ( and is). It hurts SO badly that my whole body and mind feel like childbirth. These feelings of  not  being loved etc are WHY we developed shame in the first place. It was the only "safe" thing we could do, think WE were bad, not them.
 It was a survival mechanism ,like shock.
 After Scott died, I think I could have died of a broken heart, if I had not gone in to shock. I think I am still in it. This is what we HAD to do as kids. Shame was a defense mechanism that protected us from the truth,it was they who were "bad" and dangerous.
 That is what I am learning, now.      Love   Ami
« Last Edit: May 21, 2008, 07:26:05 PM by Ami »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gaining Strength

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #41 on: May 21, 2008, 07:32:56 PM »
The demons not addressed slay the integrity of the self. Not having a way to negotiate conflict and fight in healthy ways sets the stage for below-the-belt-fighting. Refusal to know one's own anger results in expressing it sideways in manipulation or aggression. Denial of one's problems--not owning up and dealing with addictive needs create the most severe forms of dysfunction in families.

This comes from " Angries Out" . com

Not allowed to have my own needs.  That's it!!!  My needs overwhelmed my parents!!!!!  Caused them to shut down!!!!!  Taught that nothing was mine!!!  I'm getting it.  The wall is cracking!!!  Having needs, having any needs was life threatening!!!  need to stay a failure just like them even though they don't appear to be failures - I'm the shadow side and must be crushed.  They must crush their shadow side - repress it rather than embrace it.  Getting it.  I am an extention of them.  i am not my own being.  I love the own being that I am and I love what gives me life.  I have completely detached myself from it all - will reconnect when I sever these ties that bind.  Angry agout it all.


Overcomer

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #42 on: May 21, 2008, 07:46:58 PM »
SS  Having an Aha moment, huh??  You see?  Even though we are going through all the emotions, our parents really have issues, too.  But isn't it funny (or not funny?)  that our parents do not acknowledge that it is their dysfunction that has made us this way?  Isn't it weird that they label us as the ones with the problem and our problem is them?  Isn't it sickening that they have totally destroyed us and yet live their lives in denial.  Everyday labelling us poor kids.............oh I do not know.  What can we say???
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Gaining Strength

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #43 on: May 21, 2008, 08:31:28 PM »
This from the emofree.com website on shame:

[When unconscious phrases such as ](The truth is I’m NOT good enough, I really DON’T deserve more, I should be punished) are so powerful, they cancel out your momentary positive feelings or your temporary clear focus on what you want.  While you are focusing on a beautiful house, the subtext is “Who am I kidding, I don’t deserve it and I’ll never get it!”

When you are ashamed, it means you think you are “no good” or feel “defective.”  The reason so many physically or emotionally abused people feel ashamed is because their translation of their life’s circumstances is:

If my own mother spoke to me that way, I must be a lousy person.

If my own father hit me when he was drunk, I must have deserved it.

If my caretaker said I was “no good” he must have been right.

If they looked at me that way, there must be something wrong with me.

If the neighbors treated us that way, it must have been my fault.

If I got punished that often, I must be a bad person.


When I read this I thought they were speaking directly to me - having reach into my brain and pulled out my own thoughts and experiences.

James

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Re: Time to Plumb the Depths Again
« Reply #44 on: May 21, 2008, 10:29:58 PM »
Shame Slayer........If a drunk father hits his child the child must assume he/she is bad  Most children will believe this in order to deny the reality they live in. The real reality is the lack of love and cruelty they live in. To feel this is grief. Experiencing grief is what heals. Shame prevents us as children from being overwhelmed with grief but as adults we can experience it without life threatening consequences. Love for ourselves develops as we do this and see thru the lie of shame...........Love, James