Time to Plumb the Depths Again

[Gaining Strength]

the set up:

See her do something poorly so we can ridicule her and belittle her - not to her face but in our hearts and behind her back.  She never meets up to our expectations.  We never meet up to our own expectations and we expect her to do what we can never do for ourselves.  She is our worst enemy and we can prove it by her failings.

[ann3]

James,
You really hit the nail on the head: deny reality, lack of love, grief, shame, it's all there and you connected it so well.

SS,
Your "set up" was the sub-text of my childhood.  I say 'sub-text' because it's covert, just below the surface.  Lately, I've given greater attention to sub-text because I think that's where the truth is.  Very perceptive, SS.

ann

[Gaining Strength]

I woke up this morning testing myself to see if I was free yet.  I'm not.  I thought the stuff that came to me last night might set me free.  Not yet.  I must be close?

[Ami]

Dear SS and Ann
 I have been feeling "peaceful" for the first time,in a long time, pockets of peace within the pain of facing how my M really was. She did not love me. That memory was just a template of my  life.  I was s/one who was kept powerless so SHE could use me as a blank slate and I would not fight back.
 She did not care to help me to get traits in life that would benefit ME.That is how it was. As I see it,I heal.
 The pain won't kill me. We, already felt this pain as children and repressed it.
 It is pain we hold in our bodies and minds and it poisons us 24/7 ,so getting it out is a relief .We can walk this path, together! Love  Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I went back to my mother's childhood and back further to her parent's early marriage.  I saw what transpired and I felt some release  but there is still so much more to go.  I worked with them to show them how they stood back and let things evolve without intervention but that is not parenting and their children needed their guidance.  Now I must go back with my father family which was filled with meanness.  It is very difficult when both parents were so hateful towards me but in a hidden way.

Plumbing the depths is a painful, painful process.  It is lonely too.

[Juno]

Yes, it is lonely SS.  That is why it is so good that you asked for company along the way.  And having been asked... makes me feel less lonely, too.

[Leah]

Dear (((((( SS ))))))

Yes, I identify, it does feel lonely, yet, we are not alone.   Especially, we are not alone here in this precious community of friends who have endured the same and are working toward weightless freedom, healing and wholeness of ones authentic identity.

So different from the identity thrust upon us by our parent(s).

Love to you,

Leah

[Gaining Strength]

this precious community of friends

This community of friends is life giving.  Those words pale in comparison to the  emotion I feel behind those words.  I am about to have my life back - for the first time and it is in great part to this community - to these people whose faces i have never seen, whose voices I have never heard and whose names i don't even know.  How is that possible?  I do not know but I only know it is so.

I am a human being and I need to do so much.  I have so much to give, so much to live but I have been in a prison of shame and worthlessness.  It no longer matters how people in my community see me.  I am beginning to see how much more I am and part of that is because of what has been reflected back to me here.  My confidence is building and my desire and ability to expose my pain is also growing and healing me.

[Gaining Strength]

Shame -
The EFT site has helped me realize that I the feelings of shame that I have been battling must be acknowledged.  I admit and acknowledge that I feel that I deserve to live like a pig.  I don't deserve to have the kind of life that I grew up with.  I don't deserve to have or to earn money.  I only deserve to be poor.  If I deserved anything else I would have it.  I deserve to be poor and I deserve to not have resources to provide for my son. 

I have battled these and other dark fears for so long.  I have battled them and repressed them.  I have cried out in my soul to have these feelings removed and yet they remain. 

Now I know that I must acknowledge these dark, dark feelings so that I can release them.  I am going to be sharing and releasing more and more of these dark feelings here.  I am tired of rotting at the core with self-hatred and rage and the sense of injustice.

[sKePTiKal]

Acknowledged; yes...

and then challenged: WHO SAYS SO? And WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? And NOTHING'S WRONG WITH ME - LEAVE ME ALONE; STOP PICKING ON ME - MEANIE!!!

Those feelings that aren't true about you somehow got stuck in your unconscious self - probably 'coz they hurt so badly, and god knows, you couldn't let the parents know because then you'd get "something to cry about"... and so they got put so far away in the hopes that they'd go away on their own. Those feelings were dangerous; would get you in more trouble or pain. So now, it's time to feel them - let the wave come on, wash over you, and retreat back into the ocean... Because it DOES diminish, the pain does go away just like the tide.... if you allow it to come in AND go out.

Part of getting free is retraining the unconscious self (EFT can help) - replacing those feelings/thoughts; that programming - with something that IS the truth... after you've let the waves of anger, shame, and grief go back to the ocean.

Your "I" - your sense of your self - is strong enough to allow those emotions now; you can't be punished for them - they're YOURS. The emotions will be intense, but you'll still float through and on them. It will be OK - and you won't be alone at all!
We're just this close...

[Gaining Strength]

Feeling rage.  indescribable rage!!

[Hopalong]

It no longer matters how people in my community see me.

This is liberation, SS.

Congratulations.

When the rage is spent you'll be freer.

love to you,
Hops

[Leah]

Definitely (((( SS ))))

When the rage is spent - the shackles will break - you will be free.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Dear SS
 Of course  you have rage. You would have to. It could not be expressed when you were a child. It is still there and as you feel it, you will heal.As you feel it, you will see that you are not "bad".They abused YOU.
 You were a sweet,innocent kid. They vented their hate on you b/c you were there, NOT b/c you were "you".
 I am on the same path, slowly seeing the truth ,little by little.
 You are doing really well, SS.   Love   Ami

(((((SS)))))))

[Gaining Strength]

Thank you all.  Today was a good day.  I felt a little break through the darkness.  I am going to stay with this rage for a while and continue to process it.  I will continue to use the EFT on the shame as it is drawing me in deep to the hidden pains.  The odd thing about all of this is that there is not yet any new information this process is all about moving it out of knowledge back into the emotion and letting it out.

I have a blind date in a minute.  Just for a drink.  A friend set it up.  My friend's little boy is on the baseball team with my child so he went home with them while I go for a drink.  I am aiming to just have fun, be light hearted and enjoy myself. Got to go.  I am meeting him at the restaurant.  Love to all, SS