Shame and Control

[Ami]

 I see, from my 3D relationships how I try to manage the "outside" so *I* can feel safer. I see that I am trying to be a puppetmaster TO the outside so that *I* won't be hurt and shamed.
 I am running away from those dreaded words"Who do you think YOU are?"
 I am trying to be with people and yet I am really "in myself" replaying my drama, again and again, so that my outside relationships are diminished.
 What am I afraid of IF s/one says those "dreaded" words ,or s/thing close?I think I am afraid of my OWN shame rising up and *I* won't know how to handle it.I am afraid of shaming myself,of facing that *I* believe my M was right and I was worthless  and terrible.
 I want the outside to manage my emotions. Can anyone relate to this?       Ami

[Ami]

This might be hard to understand. I mean that I try to be perfect in all I do so I leave no "gaps" which s/one could see and drive a "knife" in(criticism).
 I try to armor myself so I don't have to be hurt . Also, I have disowned myself ,so *I* am not driving my ship, but I have turned it over to "outside" opinion( approval, outside love).IOW, if the outside approves of me, I am OK.

[Gaining Strength]

I so fully understand.  I didn't respond to your first post because you are bringing up very, very complicated issues, issues that take so much thought and so much effort that taxes my brain.  Brain to tired to be taxed.

[Ami]

LOL
That is OK, friend.                 Love  Ami

[Ami]

Wow
 Besee, a girl after my own heart. I have been talkiing about Alice Miller ,on here, so much, I feel tomatoes will come at me for pure repition(lol)
 Could you explain it a little more, Besee, cuz I am close to getting it but not quite.          Ami

PS I have the book, but I am not sure where it is ,right now

[Ami]

You are cute, with tomatoes, Besee(lol). Did you ever try cut up tomatoes, mozarella cheese(in cubes) sprinkled with salt and basil(lol)?
 Delicious.
 Back to Alice. I think an "unhealed" therapist will invalidate a client who is trying to grow beyond the therapist. It will be subtle, of course. I have been invalidated by many therapists.
 I have a friend who is an "Enlightened Witness" and it is much better than a therapist(IME). It allows me to feel the deep ,painful feelings and not be alone.
 Alice ,herself, had a lay person as her Enlightened Witness, but it took  many years to find the right person.
 Have you read the "Primal Scream" by Janov?
 It is one of my all time favorite books and complements Alice very well(IMO).
So great  to "see" you, again, Besee.    Love and Hugs,   Ami

[Leah]

Gosh, Besee,

I think I understand this aspect of being invalidated and the aspect of contempt.  

It's getting late here, but, I intend to come back to this tomorrow.

Grateful thanks to you Besee, and to you Ami.

Love to you both,

Leah


PS.   I love Tomatoes, and also Basil (especially in homemade soup).

[Ami]

LOL, Leah!             Ami

[Leah]

Just found ......... “Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one's own despised and unwanted feelings.”   Alice Miller
 
Leah x

[Leah]

"Women who have been abused as children often feel dependent on others to feel good about themselves. Their self-esteem comes from the outside rather than the inside. They may be afraid to ask for things because they don't feel deserving. "


Article on http://www.womenstherapyservices.com/child-abuse.html  with mention of Alice Miller's  "Drama of the Gifted Child"


Love, Leah

[Certain Hope]

Ami,

If I'm understanding you correctly, this article might help to give a different perspective.

It's called:  Perfectionism, A Counterfeit Purpose Resulting in Stress       http://www.christianpost.com/article/20080606/32720_Perfectionism:_A_Counterfeit_Purpose_Resulting_in_Stress_.htm

Seeking perfection is a counterfeit purpose, a way of life originated and taught by Satan and his fallen angels. It is a counterfeit of our one true purpose, taught by our Lord Jesus, which is to develop loving relationships (Matthew 22:34-40). At the core of every counterfeit purpose is the pursuit to attain and maintain God’s love and approval.

It’s a scam. Don’t get ripped off!

I really like it and thought that you might, too. Hopefully, the author will post Part 2 some time soon.

Carolyn

[Ami]

Thank you, Leah for that article!  That article explains exactly HOW I feel. For the first time, though, I have hope. I have been a believer in Jesus for 13 years,but my inside pain and shame were not  helped, no matter how much I studied the Bible. Since I have found an Enlightened Witness, a wonderful gift, I feel those layers starting to go and I can see myself with new eyes.
What is really funny is that I can see God with new eyes and the Bible is becoming more real.  Before, I knew words, now I am getting more of a heart connection to God. I am so, so grateful.     Love to you,                   Ami

[Ami]

Thank you, Carolyn, for that link. I feel that my perfectionism is having the light shined on it and I will be able to let it go, little by little.
                                                                                       Blessings ,  Ami

[Leah]

You are more than welcome, Ami

When I read the article, it helped me understand what you were openly sharing.

Blessings to you,

Love, Leah

[Certain Hope]

Thank you, Carolyn, for that link. I feel that my perfectionism is having the light shined on it and I will be able to let it go, little by little.
                                                                                       Blessings ,  Ami

I think that you're brave to allow the light to shine, Ami. This can be a really stubborn area that requires alot of mental/emotional retraining, so I hope you'll be patient with yourself.
Giving up some of these old defensive tools can feel as though you're disintegrating internally, but that's exactly when your self is being built stronger and more solidly.
That's how it's been for me, as I discovered that I really wouldn't disappear for admitting and accepting imperfections.

Best wishes to you,

Carolyn