Dealing with Sociopaths

[changing]

Debkor-

Thank you for your honest and brave sharing of your experience- it helps me so much and I am sure others as well.

Love ,

Changing

[debkor]

Light,

I think, light, when I was questioning and investigating the seceret *life* which I was not sure of what it was, thought women, drug abuse, drug dealing, all three, danger, well maybe I'm over reacting to danger, I was NOT, I looked for the doubts. 

The innocent people with thier doubts were truly that and ment me no harm.  They really did not know, as I did not, but wanted to squash my danger feelings wanted thier doubts I wanted to Doubtttt.. so bad.  The others that had no doubt not exaxtly knowing what was going on, I blew off,  I resisted..

I remember talking with  my sister and discussing sociopath and I instanly got the ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not me.......... can't be.......that is not something I married.........where are my Doubts!!!!!!!!!!!

I was harder on the people with no doubt then the ones with them.  I kept contact with all.  And yes I can see how they had them.  You have to be 24/7 with a person to know.  I mean really know it's beyond your everyday problems and a very Dangerous Person.

I am sure that there are some that still have them.  Yes they know what has taken place and the secerets are out but I think that people do doubt most probably that it's over, it's fixed, it's changed and life is good for him now.. A miracle, A cure.  I know this because when his sister called here to say her mother was dying she said, ex, looks really good and doing really well. 

Me, I'm real, I know he is dangerous and will always be.... that I do not doubt... when it kicks in again... one never knows but I do not doubt it. .. just when, with who, and how bad...

The No contact with family members of his kind of just fell into place.  It just happened.  And that is alright.  They are good people and we pretty just went our own ways for reasons and then for no reason. 

I'll tell you one part that is very funny now but show you how I so wanted to say in Doubt back then.

In my car when I had it one night, my sister, for some reason opened my glove compartment and found a mustache and make up, I reached into the back seat found his duffel bag felt it and said OMG please don't let this be a gun and sure as hell was,  I said to my sister, Do you think he has a GF?  WTF?  I wanted to doubt anything else.  We laugh now over that.

But I wanted doubts even with evidence on my Lap of Danger.... It was so creepy and I wanted to be brain dead to this that I had to face and deal with.  A freak of nature.  Something missing.  No concious.  And I married it.

And oh hell, Light, although it was over it took about a full four years to purge it out.  totally.. and accept that there are just some really sick people that will never be cured and they are not just who you read about or watch on TV they can be sleeping right next to you. 

Love
Deb

[lighter]

Oh, Deb.... that part about the mustache and gun...

I laughed too but....

yikes and I've done the same sorts of things.

We're such nice people who want to be in denial....

or....

want reality to not be so dire and dangerous, ya know?

Human nature to do that.

I'm going to read your story right now....

thanks thanks for finding it: )

Lighter

[Izzy_*now*]

Oh My Goodness! deb and lighter

It's so difficult for ME to believe and I didn't experience it, but I know that feeling of being there and everything is so unreal because it is so foreign to your life.

Isn't it amazing the strength that you find, when it's needed?

I agree all women are stronger.

There was a woman, not on this board, who married a bigamist. As the story unfolded, he had married 7 times and on two occasions had remarried without divorcing.

When they were dating, her sister saw his picture on TV on another matter.

The long and short of it is that she was invited to be on the Oprah show. I watched and had I not known the real truth I might have thought the story was 'nothing', as so much was changed, i.e. NPD or P or S whatever, were not used, in case of legal action.

Dr. Phil operates the same way. It's not for the truth it is for entertainment!

Take good care, you two
xx
Izzy

Still have the PTSD?

[debkor]

Hey Iz,

but I know that feeling of being there and everything is so unreal because it is so foreign to your life.

Exactly. 

PS
And I miss ya when your not around Iz. 



Love
Deb

[changing]

Lighter-

You have done so much to help me escape my circumstances, and have shown me consistent understanding when the system and so many involved in the process were dismissive or worse. This made such a difference to me. The majority of the things right that I done in my case were suggested or modeled by generous people here- the DV group, the financial items, etc. I am sorry that you didn't have the same guidance and help for your own situation, and am glad that Debkor is here with her unique experience , goodwill and sharing.

Hope you are well and know that you are loved and supported.

Changing

[lighter]

(((Changing and Deb)))

I deleated some of my posts on this thread.

Lighter

[debkor]

Light/Changing,

Me too.  Good idea.  You guys know where to find it the original..

Love Deb

[Certain Hope]

Dear Deb and Lighter,

Just wanted to let you both know how much I appreciate you both. I did read all of your story ((((((((Deb)))))))) and it left me aghast.

With NPD and socio/psycho-paths... anything is, indeed, possible.

 I hate to think of anyone with malicious intent stumbling upon your stories here on this so obvious thread and it's probably a very good idea to keep specific details to a minumum.
Just please remain safe.

Love,
Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

Another of Martha Stout's rules for dealing (or rather not dealing) with a Sociopath:

Do not try to redeem the unredeemable.

Second (third, fourth, and fifth) chances are for people who possess conscience.

If you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, know how to swallow hard and cut your losses.
At some point, most of us need to learn the important if disappointing life lesson that, no matter how good our intentions, we cannot control the behavior
- let alone the character structures - of other people.
Learn this fact of human life, and avoid the irony of getting caught up in the same ambition he has = to control.

If you do not desire control, but instead want to help people, then help only those who truly want to be helped.
I think you will find this does not include the person who has no conscience.

The sociopath's behavior is not your fault, not in any way whatsoever.
It is also not your mission.
Your mission is your own life.

This is what I needed to know over 20 years ago.

Carolyn

[lighter]

If you do not desire control, but instead want to help people, then help only those who truly want to be helped.


Carolyn

I remember taking a communications course at a nearby University.

I was young, maybe 20yo.

There were a few women at work just hammering on me and I wanted to know what was my part and how to solve it.

One thing I remember learning there....

was....

"Help is the sunny side of control."

Quite the realization, for me.

And.... I think it's very difficult to give up on loved ones, esp if we share children and lives and keep losing focus of the BIG SOCIOPATH picture bc it's so awful, so terrible so horrible that we're unable to grasp the true scope of that reality.

I've never experienced anything like it before in my life.

The confusion and doubt and fear that creates an inhospitable environment for focusing.

Once focus is managed.... it keeps going in and out of focus.

It's true......

where there's terrible confusion, IME.....

 look around.....

there's someone without a consience nearby.....

trying to look very innocent......

and victimized.

A phenomenon we should be educate our children about, on some level, IMO.

Lighter

[Certain Hope]

It's true......

where there's terrible confusion, IME.....

 look around.....

there's someone without a consience nearby.....

trying to look very innocent......

and victimized.

(((((((Lighter)))))))) I agree.

And I'm so sorry for all you've been through.

Until one has been caught in the web, it's too bizarre for belief, I guess... that a person can be so calculatingly selfish and utterly uncaring re: the welfare of others, including his own children.
I've seen it firsthand and there is nothing comparable.
My childrens' dad could not have exercised his perversion within our household if he had a conscience.
To this day, he has never once admitted that it was all his responsibility. He is a victim, in his own eyes.

So when some self-professed expert declares that "he's a good person who's done bad things",
I'd like to spit in his eye.

Hogwash.

Carolyn

[CB123]

Thank you, Carolyn and Lighter.

You make good points and I am seriously taking them to heart.

Thank you so much.

CB

[lighter]

Those comments weren't meant for you CB.

Not from my end.

I've learned a tremendous lot from your handling of difficult words on the board.

Please..... take that to heart.

You're helping me now, more than you know.

Lighter

[Certain Hope]

Those comments weren't meant for you CB.

Not from my end.

Not from me, either, CB. 

No connection whatsoever.

Carolyn