I see so much gaslighting, projecting and in particular, RALLYING, going on that I am no longer sure this board can remain a viable place for me.
One indicator of health, and relative Nism, for me (and including me), is the degree to which a person dominates the board.
I have been N-ish at times here, and one measure of that is that there were long long periods when I responded to virtually every single post and had a "wise opinion" on nearly every subject. After a while, it was no longer an issue of "finding my voice", it was asking myself if my voice ever shut up!
I still feel blasts of energy and almost manic responsiveness at times. Most of the time, if I am trying to offer love or advice to another person, I don't feel badly about it. I'm a yakker, a flaming ENFP, and I also like to help. If I'm thoughtfully responding and not just typing in empty score-a-post words (oh I love you I love God I care oh-look-at-me I've COMMENTED!) -- I've done both -- anyway, if I'm thoughtfully responding and have the energy to do that in a widespread way now and then, I can live with my loudness.
I just can't live as comfortably with some OTHER people's loudness.
(Funny how that works.)
When I open the home page, click on Unread Posts Since Last Visit, and the same names come up over and over and over and over and over again in multiple threads, and the same recyled patterns of accusation and drama keep reappearing, I've come to believe that the board's health as a community is out of balance. I feel as though several voices are literally devouring the board with relentless demands for attention and that they are using up most of the oxygen in the room. And I know at times mine has been one of them.
It makes me sad. When I first came, I felt I was in the company of wise, kind, humorous people (for the most part). One thing that stood out as I got to know the community was how so many of these women who had suffered through so much, and who had learned and deepened because of it...were so thoughtful and kind in the way they responded to other people's lives. The wisest sand kindest seemed to not take themselves too seriously, and also were selective and sparing. They didn't flood every thread or every page.
They took pain seriously and responded to it with respect for its significance. But there was perspective. They often mention other people in their lives whom they love or are touched by; they were seldom the only subject of their own posts. Over and over they demonstrated for me the wisdom of laughing and playing and interweaving lightness with depth and sorrows. There was a peaceful rhythm to their posting. Some more and some less depending on personality, but there was a sense of community and group dialogue, not a few dancers who eternally elbowed others off the stage and shoved their own stories front and center on a daily bais. I celebrate and thank Mum, Daylily, Sela, H&H, Portia, Bridgit, and so many more. They've all gone quiet now.
I am particularly sad for the lurkers and potential newcomers who either don't dare step onto the board for what they are seeing, or who try it out and quickly vanish, overwhelmed by toxicity and drama.
I don't want to leave the community or my friends here, but I am feeling I should consider it. In order to address my own addictive and dependent tendencies, and in order to make room, I hope, for a newcomer who needs the space here.
I would like for newcomers to have a sense of spaciousness. Of quiet welcome and patient openness. Receptivity. Those things are best achieved by sharing space, I believe. And I have expanded to fill more than my share of it.
No firm decision but I wanted to tell people that I am confronting this question, of leaving. And why.
This thread is for anyone who is having similar feelings and would like to take a turn discussing balance on the board, health of the board, and who has any other related ideas or thoughts to share.
The only request I have is that is be a dialogue as though we were sitting in a circle, with a commitment to share time relatively equally. This is an invitation to anyone who has felt there was no point in posting, or who has not spoken much lately, and who would like to have a quiet SHARED dicussion, as in taking turns, with mutliple voices rather than only the familiar few.
I ask that it be respectful and kind and mature, and that the larger goal of rebuilding and maintaining a healthier community, with serious consideration to questions of dominance and quantity versus quality of sharing, be the topic.
love
Hops
