I really do think that with the best intentions in the world, or community -- in meaning well -- a person in the role of Enabling - to the Enabled person (recipient)
creates a perpetual ride on the merry-go-round or carousel, which ultimately, creates confusion, rather than clarity, as both parties (or all) are swept along, and/or spun around.
Leah x
We often begin enabling in an attempt to be kind and helpful. For example, we may wake someone so they are not late to work.
Enablers may have their own system of denial that is fed by the lies and deceptions of the person whom they seek to help.
The Effects of Enabling
As enabling behavior becomes routine, we end up feeling frustrated, ineffectual, and angry. Often, we continue to enable because we don't want to appear mean or unreasonable.
Enabling behaviors directly and indirectly support the vicious cycle of never-ending problems.
When we stop enabling, when we stop helping and covering up for the person, we allow the person to experience the consequences of their out-of-control behavior.
We stop shielding them from the consequences of their behavior.
Enabling Is Self-Defeating
When we begin enabling, we often believe we are being helpful. When we find that our efforts are ineffective and the problems continue and become more pronounced, we feel frustrated, resentful, and angry. As the disease and our enabling progresses , our initial discomfort becomes intensified with feelings that can include anger, rage, hostility, sadness, and distrust. Sometimes we become totally numb rather than experience the pain, or we become overly active to avoid feeling. Our focus becomes more and more centered on supporting and protecting the individual and centered less on our own needs. We often feel hopeless, defeated, and depressed. This cycle of problems feeding problems continues until we decide to stoop enabling.
Changing Enabling Behavior
The intensity of enabling behaviors is determined by a variety of factors. For example, if you were raised in a dysfunctional family, your tendencies to adopt enabling behaviors or renew other codependent behaviors may be more easily triggered by a current crisis or continued stress.
When we begin to identify and change our behaviors, they don't just disappear all at once. Changing takes time and practice, practice, practice. With this in mind, we can look at some examples of changing enabling behaviors.
· Stop making excuses to others for situations or problems.
· Refuse to lie.
· Do not continue useless arguments. Go to a movie, take a walk, read a good book, or go to a support group meeting.
· If safe and appropriate, discuss your concerns with the person in a non-emotional way.
· Find a support system - Private therapy or counseling, a spiritual advisor or minister, or trustworthy friends.
When you begin to change your enabling behavior it is helpful to have a private counselor or therapist, who is familiar with your individual circumstances. They can be key to achieving positive changes in you.
Changing your enabling behavior sets the person free -- to seek help, and work through, their own personal issues.
