This is primarily in response to a new guest that posted in "have you experience stalking" and requested to expound on absencing. I thought that this subject was worthy of its own thread since it does not refer to stalking.
I read extensively on N forums, but I am not sure what to expect next
Dear Guest,
I am not sure that you can ever expect what's next with an N, because their whole game is about keeping you off guard. Since you posted in the stalking thread, Your N may engage in different tactics than mine have if they have used stalking as a means of control in the past.
I will explain a couple of personal scenarios, in which you may see the results of and may be able to "expect" from your N.
Distancing, in the books, is a tactic that is actually referred to as "withholding love". It is a form of crazy-making and manipulation by the N to get the desired result.
As a young child, I wanted a Barbie doll more than anything. It was forbidden in my house - not because my mother had polital belief about women being exploited, or because we coudn't afford it - but because my mother thought they were sexually suggestive and felt threatened by their sexuality (she infantalized me incessantly to retain her own feelings of youth and beauty).
When I was hit by a car at age 6, I was in the hospital for eight weeks - and a schoolmate's mother brought me a present - the most beautiful Barbie doll I had ever seen. For a moment, I felt a glimmer of hope that since someone else had bought it that I may be able to keep it - but before I could even open the package.. my mother snatched it out of my hands saying "it was a nice gesture but you can't keep it". I wailed and cried. She ignored.
For the next two years, I would try every way I could to get my authoritarian Nmom to let me have a Barbie. Sometimes I would try to reason with her maturely as to why she should let me. Most times though, I would rant, rave, and cry desperately "pleeeease"...Whenever this would occur, she would get tight-lipped, furious that I had challenged her..and say "I will not discuss this again until you are ready to apologize". Then she would stomp around the house, banging cabinet doors and clanging things in the kitchen angrily in a tantrum. I would be crying, crying crying - at this point needing just simple comfort and a reasonable explanation. I was told "just because I said so". She would ignore me for HOURS, which in a 7-year-olds life is an eternity. She was withholding her love.
Finally, I would become so desperate for a shred of affection or "false love" that I would come to her with the words "I'm sorry, mama". I was so needy for her love that to sacrifice my true beliefs became necessary for survival. It seems like a small-time subject, and I was helpless as a child -but it was preparing me for a lifetime of withheld love and abuse. She used this tactic on me throughout my entire youth with every possible area.
As I got older, this pattern and love withholding tactic was effective with my boyfriends, because I had learned it so well at home. My high school "sweetheart", Jim, would for no apparent reason, begin to distance himself.. not return phone calls, not take me out, and ignore me in the hallways at school, for up to two weeks at a time. During these times I would ask his friends "What's up with Jim, are we still going out?" they would say "I don't think so" - but I could never get him to communicate with me directly.
Then, out of the blue.. he would "return" to me, loving, affectionate, and wonderful...Bring me a rose, or another gift...and I would question him - "why have you been avoiding me?" and he would respond either "I don't know what your talking about, I thought
you were mad at
me".. or some other crazy making - "I was just busy with [sports] and I never got your messages" and then he would proceed to be the "perfect" boyfriend for a week or two. But I was so needy for this admiration he gave - I would put up with this abusive pattern for the next three years until he moved out of state.
I almost married the same type of man - I lived with him for four years. Anytime things got rough - if we had a disagreement he would disappear, going out with friends for all hours of the night, "I need some space" which would of course make me needier and needier. He would offer false information about where he had been, and then would be wonderfully loving, affectionate and kind for long periods of time between - so I would believe him (for fear that he would leave me if I didn't) and get things back to "normal", even though my gut would be telling me that I wasn't being true to myself. Later I found out he was having an affair and I wised up enough to leave.
After a few years of counseling, I finally met a wonderful non-Nman. He is not perfect, but my husband and I have been together for nine years (married for four). The sick thing is, even as a "healthier" adult - I find myself actually creating the old, familiar scenario. For the most part, my H is communicative, loving, affectionate, steadfast and usually open-minded - but true to himself. Occasionally, if he takes a strong stance on something in an argument - I revert to old, childlike behavior (I feel controlled, and the button is pushed!) and begin the ranting, crying, screaming for him to see my point of view. When I get like this, he walks away, saying "I can't talk to you like this, you are not in a good frame of mind, we'll discuss it later when you're calm" .
I have now successfully created my own withheld love "ah, pain, that's familiar... I'm alive" and I will follow him around the house crying, needing his comfort and understanding. This just makes him angrier, and I continue trying while he completely ignores me , which is the usual response (just like Nmom in the old days
). Though he is doing this simply to protect himself (he had an Nmother, and learned to tune her out when she would try to manipulate him), my old feelings of desperation and need for admiration come - "please don't leave me". I will then lie on the floor, wallowing in horrible self esteem and self pity until he comes to comfort me (he always does, but the wait is excruciating). Then I am filled with self-loathing for creating the craziness with him. This is the unfortunate manipulative Ntrait that I have inherited from mommie dearest. It is truly disgusting, isn't it?
Guest, I do not know enough about your situation to give you answers - and many of our experiences are different I'm sure. I hope that some of this info has been helpful. Your indication that this person had broken it off with you before for "legitimate" reasons leads me to believe that there is some uncomfortable pattern between the two of you that does not sound healthy.
Withheld love is a common N trait. You are most likely being punished.
Read "Prisoner of Childhood", an older book available in the libraries for additional information about this behavior. It is possible that your N will come forward, when you don't expect it.. claiming that nothing was wrong, it was all your imagination. Prepare yourself for this crazy making, and you will be strong enough for the appropriate response (i.e., I do not accept that behavior, and I am not interested in continuing a relationship with you).
The other possibility is that he is trying to hold out (control) until you cannot stand it any further, and give in - making numerous attempts to reach him, apologize for nothing, etc. This is the hard one, under no circumstances should you attempt to contact him. (this is the one that I struggled with constantly). It is also possible that he has found another source of admiration, and is holding you at bay as "backup" for his narcissistic supply, until his other source has been exhausted. When this happens, he may return to you with apology for being away with some excuse. Do not be bamboozled - if he is truly an N, it is false!
You are doing the right thing by researching. Please take good care of yourself and we hope you will continue visiting the forum. Peace and Good Luck.
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