can't believe it! last night, not sleeping as usual, i finally got the guts to post some of my "stuff"...don't know exactly how long the post was, but i felt like i typed for hours. hit the "submit" button - the computer kicked me off right then! started thinking maybe there was a reason, like i got all those words out, nobody really needed to read them, just let it lie. besides, i didn't have the energy to retype...good excuses, huh?
second try here, and if this fails, the puter gets thrown out the window and stomped on! going to use Notepad, then sign on board and copy & paste (got this advice from my son), so maybe this time....
i'm a 49 yr old woman, married (with problems), 3 sons (20, 17, and the youngest turned 16 today). my N is my "father"...we lost my mom in july 2003 after watching her go thru hell, first with bladder cancer, then with lung cancer, ALWAYS with dad. i'll try not to get too detailed, cause truthfully i can't remember so many things, and don't want to remember others.
Mom went thru chemo for the lung cancer after surgery when it was found the cancer had metastisized(sp?) and further surgery would be useless. She had a chemo appointment one day - dad's reaction: "you have to cancel your chemo today, because i have to go to the hardware store and i need you to come with me." the woman could hardly walk at that point, but, hey, that hardware is important stuff!!!
after her bladder cancer surgery, dad had her up 2 days after being released from hospital, dragging her catheter around, MAKING HIS BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DINNER! sis and i kept trying to cook for them, freeze meals so that HE might be able to heat them up, but he said NO! she needs to get back to her normal routine. after the lung surgery, she was dragging around an oxygen tank, and was told to use the stairs no more than twice a day - he had her up cooking 1 day after her release from hospital!
all he did was moan about the costs (they have very good insurance and are NOT poor!), and the annoyance of having to take her to chemo...because then he'd have to sit in his easy chair watching "court TV" all by himself, and it screwed up his routine. the sicker she got, the meaner he got (of course she was his main supply).
one day about a month before she passed, sis and i finally got up the nerve (shame on us, should have been so much earlier) to see how sick she was, and that she should be seen by a doc or go to the ER. we went to their house, and dad met us at the door SCREAMING to stay out of their business, if we really cared we would do something for HIM...he even said (about Mom) "doesn't she see the extreme emotional turmoil i'm under right now? how can she act like this..i think she's faking her pain, and getting addicted to those painkillers!" he'd call sis or me up at 6am, and say "Mom just got up, took one of her pills, and went to lay on the couch. now who the HELL is going to make me my eggs and salsa? can one of you come over and get me some breakfast? my stomach is just SICK from being so empty!" and yes, over we went, even tho he could have gotten himself some cereal, etc. we also felt that if we were there, maybe he'd leave Mom in peace and whip us instead.
so we're trying to talk dad into calling an ambulance to take Mom to the ER, and all he did was bellow at us to GET OUT OF HIS HOUSE, if we thought he wasn't taking care of Mom properly, we should call the cops on him (oh, how i wish we had), and that we weren't taking Mom's feelings into consideration....so, let's just ask Mom what she wants! as soon as she opened her mouth, and started to whisper that she'd probably like to go to the ER - he told her to SHUT UP, SHE WAS BEING HYSTERICAL AND STUPID!
(i don't have to explain this to any of you with Nparents, but this behavior didn't just begin when Mom got sick, this was "normal" - as in dad saying "we are a normal family, everyone else is screwed up....but ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS INSIDE THIS HOUSE STAYS INSIDE THIS HOUSE...OR ELSE!" yeah, "Father Knows Best", i guess.....).
sis and i visited all the time, trying to do anything to make things easier, and were just about to leave one night when Mom's vitals started changing, and she began struggling to breathe. She had been hospitalized previously, but there was nothing more that could be done, so she was sent home with caregivers and hospice. she was in a hospital bed in the room that sis and i had shared, and once when she was still lucid, dad walked in with us, and said "i can't STAND to be in this room! i hate it! i can't spend 5 minutes in here without getting a bad headache!" (too bad Mom was in such pain she couldn't share her morphine with him, poor guy). he avoided that room like the plague, and would try to distract sis and i from spending time w/Mom by coming up with his own "needs" - always emergencies.
when Mom's breathing got difficult, and her vitals changed, sis and i called hospice and sat with her. dad went somewhere, who knows, just to be out of that area of the house. we didn't even tell him what we thought was happening. sometimes we weren't sure she was even breathing, but we kept watching the little vein in her neck, which still showed a pulse. minutes before she passed, for some reason dad came clomping in "wanting to know what's going on". we asked him to please be quiet, it appeared that Mom was leaving us. she was still taking an occasional breath, and that vein was still beating shallowly in her neck, when dad screams out "WHAT THE HELL!!!!! IS ONE OF YOU GIRLS GOING TO BE ABLE TO CLEAR YOUR SCHEDULES TO GET ME TO THE UNDERTAKER'S TOMORROW?" (sorry, i always get so sick when i think of that - all the docs had told us hearing is the last sense to go when a person is dying, and somehow i just know my Mom heard that, and if sis and i hadn't been involved in helping Mom go from this world to the next, my fantasy is that we would CERTAINLY have taken him to the undertaker - that night - but on his back, not his feet!).
she passed peacefully (we hope) as we had escorted dad out of the room - he had no right to be there, in our opinion. then all the things that happen after someone passes happened, the hospice nurse declared her dead, the funeral parlor people were called and took her away...and dad wanted to sit on the couch with sis and i and HUG US BECAUSE OF HIS LOSS! his most telling statement, which he repeated ad nauseum, was "how did she figure out how to get out of here before me? i wanted to go first...now what do i do? she's out of it, and i still have to stay here? I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO FIRST BECAUSE NOW I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!!!!" but of course, with the hospice nurse, funeral parlor personnel, caregiver, etc., he sobbed and sobbed about how horrible it was for him to lose his wife of 50+ years whom he LOOOOOVED so so so much, how did this happen, WHY did this happen...oh, yeah, he put on the grieving widower act to perfection. in private, he was trying to schedule my sis and i to take care of him (food, shopping, doc appointments, haircuts, housecleaning, laundry, etc. - and don't forget the eggs and salsa for breakfast!)
then he says "Mom's eyes were open - who shut them?" kind of pissed off. sis and i said "we shut Mom's eyes, because she's not seeing this world anymore, and she didn't need them open to see the wonder of where she is now". "you actually TOUCHED your mother's DEAD EYES?" no, dad - we used telekinesis - of course we did, and her eyelids were cool and soft and probably the last physical contact we'd have with her - it was an honor to close her eyes to all the ugliness she had to look at from HIM every day for the last 50+ years!
(sorry, i thought this would go one of two ways: either i would get so sick writing this i'd have to abbreviate it, or i'd end up posting the world's most incoherent novel...i'll try to cut the rest as short as i can, nor will i be offended if anyone chooses not to read.)
she's been gone over a year now, and we've found out that she was covering up for him, as he's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. we finally got his license away from him, after one accident when Mom was alive and four sideswipes...we tried to cook/freeze for him (sis is married w/two young daughters, and I've got my 3 boys, and we both live 45 min to 1 hour away from him). we cooked and froze literally weeks' worth of food for his freezer, because he cannot operate a microwave, and needed one-dish meals that could be warmed up in a pan on the stove. we did his grocery shopping (that was a challenge, he wouldn't/couldn't make a list, wanted to tag along so he could criticize everything; did his housekeeping, laundry, drove him to all his appointments (he also has heart disease with a pacemaker/defibrillator) and diabetes which he refuses to treat with meds, diet or exercise, so now has peripheral neuropathy, so is very unsteady/unsafe on his feet). we finally burned out - it wasn't the "chores", it was him, his N-ness - if he misplaced his glasses, he blamed it on MOM (she had obviously hidden them before she died, even tho he was just wearing them 10 minutes before). he was vicious to sis and i, we couldn't take it, and researched housekeepers, meals on wheels, etc., of course he refused. he was forced to capitulate when sis and i said we just could not continue that way, and his freezer got emptier and emptier, his groceries didn't magically appear, etc.
he now has caregivers from an agency. he developed quite an "affection" for one of them (altho he's extremely bigoted and she's a woman of color, but....she had the brains to know how to "supply" without letting it ruin her). she was recently fired for strong suspicion that she'd been taking financial advantage of him, the possibility of a "romance", etc.....
this coming monday, he has to have the batteries in his pacemaker/defibrillator replaced at a hospital about an hour away from his house. in his weekly telephone abuse sessions, he'd decided to "cut off all contact with the "evil bitches" that should be his loving daughters, and next time he would see us, it would be in court - what he could take us to court for, i just don't know. as we figured, the original surgery date came up, he started calling us again, could we PUH-LEEEEEZE take him for surgery as he doesn't trust the caregivers. sure, dad - so happy to oblige. we had to straighten out the whole surgery thing, will have to get up about 3 a.m. to get him there, and his doc said he needs 24 hour care for the first couple of days....of course, guess who he wants? NOT!!!! we can't do it,even if we wanted to - kids to get to school, our husbands have already rearranged their work schedules for monday, etc., so we arranged for his caregivers to work shifts starting when he's released, including overnight scheduling. he hates this idea, but tough.
btw, one of the reasons we will not stay overnight, or even be in the house with him without outsiders present, is because two months ago, he was feeling so "neglected", he pulled out the "Mom" card - could we please take him to cemetery and put flowers on Mom's grave. we knew it was just a ploy, but did it anyway, and as soon as we got him home (after watching him alternately snuffle and curse over Mom's grave), he lit into us like the very Devil! we don't care bout him, don't take care of him, have annoying families that get in the way of his being #1, we somehow screwed around with his financial stuff (which is impossible), he hates his life and we set it up that way, so it would be horrible for him, on and on - screaming, cursing, hysteria, etc. we were leaving, there was no point in staying, but he wanted the last word, so as my sister opened the door to leave, he grabbed her by the shoulders and banged her into the door several times - the look on his face was inhuman. i picked up the phone and threatened to call 911 to have him arrested for assault & battery, domestic violence, whatever, and he REALLY went off the deep end, cocked his fist in my face, and i could see his arm trembling because he wanted to punch me so badly (partly because I used "bad" language, and he says he has the "right" to hit anyone who uses bad language or disagrees with him, and will call "101", his version of 911, to report me for cursing!). we finally got out, and after sis vomited all over his driveway, we took off.
the "Mom" card again - could we PUH-LEEZE come over and take all Mom's stuff out of his house, because it hurts him so much to see it. this man doesn't even understand that because of dealing with him since Mom's death, we haven't even had a chance to mourn her and accept our own loss, and we're not ready to do that (took him 30 years to go thru his parents' things after they passed). we will box up Mom's things when he is in hospital monday, without telling him, as we do have the legal right to do that, and then we'll deal with the sorting out when we feel strong enough.
after all this (there's so much more, but I know many of you have gone thru worse, and all of you can read between the lines), now he's playing the "grandchildren" card - it's CRIMINAL of sis and i not to bring HIS grandchildren, who he loves SOOOOOO much, to visit him. here's the scenario: to him, my oldest son is a stupid slacker, has no ambition, and can't do anything right. my middle son is a mental case, has been called a jackass (to his face) by his loving papa, has no talent,and will never amount to anything. my youngest, who has had some problems, has been nicknamed "Osama" and/or "Charlie Manson" and it's just a matter of time before i will have to visit him in prison. he wants my pre-teen and early teen nieces to sit on his lap (red flag) and "cuddle", but says they do stupid "girlie" things and are dumb (altho on honor roll and President's lists at school). the girls are scared of him (he also loooooves to jab at them with his cane for some reason, really poke them in the arm, leg, side, etc.). all 5 grandchildren are old enough to have seen how he treated Mom (their Nana, whom they loved and miss terribly), to see how he treats sis and i, and now with his violence and threats of violence (told me in a phone convo that he would have me "taken down" if i didn't start obeying him!), we would be wonderful mothers to further devastate our children by bringing them to visit this psycho maniac!
God Above, if we can just make it thru monday and his surgery, we are intending to cut him off. no more daily phone calls to hear him bitch and moan about his lives (yeah, our lives are just GREAT!), no more fake "emergencies" ("it's been 6 months since i had a haircut, i need one NOW!"). i think we're going to try to do it subtly, by brushing him off, letting him talk to our answering machines, etc., because trying to explain to him is useless. if he doesn't "get it" eventually, our plan is to say "dad, either you're competent and can take care of yourself, in which case you don't need your "evil bitch" daughters, so quit contacting us except for a TRUE emergency, or else we'll see you in court for a competency hearing and try to gain guardianship, so we can at least make sure you're healthy and safe as possible."
can't believe i typed all this - this man is a MONSTER, the Alzheimer's is making it worse, there is no communication, he has his 'bad days" and "good days", but ALWAYS is able to manipulate, lie and demonize. he's worked so hard at creating his current situation for 84 years, and now he's stuck in it, and wants to blame....whoever, mainly sis and me. i say he's chosen his course, Mom loved him and tried to help him for 50+ years and he didn't get it...he will have to live out the rest of his pathetic life in a world he's created for himself.
and here's the hard part (i know many of you know what's coming)....I FEEL GUILTY! i thought i had a father for such a long time, when i believed him saying we were a "normal" family...i keep thinking there's a nugget of gold somewhere in that black heart of his, and if i just say the right thing, or do the right thing, it'll be like a "movie of the week" and he'll open up to us and actually love us...with Mom as the "buffer" all these years, i actually thought he DID love us (in his own way - haha!), and now Mom is gone, and the dad i thought i had is gone too, but was only an illusion all along. i know he's sick, afraid, lonely, etc., and i wish i could help him, but will probably get punched in the face for trying. i feel sadness for him, and pity, and wish he would have made different choices, and that sis and i could comfort him in his last days on earth...but i HATE him, and what he did to Mom and sis and me, and if he exited this earth tomorrow, i think i'd DANCE!
i'm a depressive/anxiety disorder person, and i'm at the end of my rope. just hoping to hang in til monday...but i know it still won't be over. for the last couple of years, i've been pretty non-functional anyway, and now...forget it, i barely drag out of bed every day, but i still have a family to take care of. yes, i do have a therapist and see a psych for meds, but this is like water torture...drip...drip...drip...i can't get him out of my head.
this has gone way past what i intended...and yet there's so much more. i thank anyone who actually reads this mumbo-jumbo, and i know there's no magic bullet, i just appreciate so much being "heard" by anyone - sis and i try to support each other, and she's a blessing to me (so much like Mom). but that's my "support system"...and i know i'm ultimately responsible for changing things with me.
i'm going to shut up, try to post this, and just wait to see what happens. thank you all for just being here, and i'm so sorry we each have to deal with these N-monsters in our lives. i wish you all the best.
bobbie
