The shaming tactic fails to work on me

[ch]

Tigerlily's coming to terms with her embarrassment with her Nmother in previous posts reminded me about how i dealt with mine some years ago.

My Nmother tried to embarrass me again by telling the waiter how it was a first time and a once-in-a-lifetime event for me to treat her to a meal on Mother's Day.  I couldn't believe what a pathological liar she was.  It was heart-sickening to pay that bill and to condone her behavior.  I had since regretted it so much. I also resented my father for sitting there and letting it happen.  No defense. No truth-seeking. No fairness. No caring. :X

But during another year, she manipulated me to take her shopping and manipulated me to pay for her purchases, as usual.  I paid for the items alright. And I took notice that she never showed any signs of appreciation, but nevertheless, i made it very clear that it was to be considered her Mother's day present for that year.   Later, at the official Mother's Day dinner which included extended family enough for a banquet sized party, i refused to budge when the bill came.  My uncle gave me a look of disapproval, but i refused to be manipulated further.   I got over the shame and embarrassment instantly.  It didn't hurt at all.  I felt empowered that i was in control of my own behavior.  

I figured that it didn't hurt to sabotage their sick games.  their shaming tactics should not work on me.  i felt good taking control of myself again.  As for anyone giving me looks of disapproval, i would say, "hey, if you care to ask me what is going on, i would glady tell you. and i will state the facts.  i have already given my mother a mother's day gift.  and this dinner for 10 people is not part of it because i cannot afford it."

For father's day, Nmother tried to pull another one on me, but it didn't work.  First, i have to explain that while growing up, Nmother never cared to celebrate any holidays, birthdays, or special occasions.  My parents are not the kind to appreciate arts and crafts made by children, or anything of that kind. They also never cared to give or receive cards from anyone. Another thing i need to explain is that some time ago, my Nmother manipulated me into paying her rent for having a room in her house which i stayed in once or twice a week.  I agreed to it and contributed timely, despite my state of unemployment.

A month after the Mother's day fiasco, she announced to me that she bought a father's day card for us and wanted us kids to sign it and give to my father.  She also told us that she put some money in the card and that now we kids (brother and me) owe her for the money.  

Lying on my bed and thinking it through after one minute, i decided to announce to her, "well, you'll either have to skip giving the father's day money or you'll have to take it out of my rent money, because i don't have any extra to give. and i don't want to owe you anything!!"  
 
I'm sure it infuriated her which would explain why we no longer talk. And i am glad about that because i have enough crap to sort out and clean up from my childhood with her!!   Enough is enough!!
 

[Discounted Girl]

I repeatedly invited my parents out to dinner and to my home for dinners, fish fries, parties, etc. (only about half the time did they show up, due to her "not feeling well"). In any event, I entertained them many, many times. That said -- one time while I was at their home taking care of it while they were on vacation I saw a newspaper clipping she had stuck to her refrigerator. I think it was a Dear Abby column, but it said "Happiness is having your daughter call and say, 'hey, mom, why don't you and dad come over for dinner?'" -- I was totally blown away ... that old bag left that on the refrigerator for me to see, but why? I was always inviting them over. I would cook my brains out on Thanksgiving and Christmas and then I got to look at that on the refrigerator while I am over there tending to their house? I also remember hearing about how my brother spent over $200 on a dinner for them, his wife and children and his wife's parents. First of all, that was nice for him to take them out, but where did they go for only $200 for all those people? Second of all, were they adding up the tabs? If so, we passed by the $200 mark long before that. The backstabbing, lies, efforts to humiliate and embarrass never stop -- it is their life's work. These jerks must think they are compiling data for a thesis or something -- we are experiments to prove some sick theory. Pox on them all !!

[tigerlily]

Hi
My mother actually used to look miserable when I gave her a very nice gift.  I never understood that.  And I also remember when I went home one time and we were out shopping I decided to buy two nice sweaters for myself for winter. She actually started getting agitated about my buying them- I was a married woman with children, spending my money, and she was freaking.  The only thing I could think of about her reaction was that she either was jealous that I could afford something she could not and maybe she thought I was trying to show her up, or else that she realized she no longer  had any control over what I did for myself.  It was so weird.

[Discounted Girl]

i remember several years ago I wore a hairstyle that required a very precision cut, so I had a standing appt to get it cut every 6 weeks (otherwise, it lost its style) -- well, she chastised me greatly saying I was selfish and extravagant. I continued to get my hair cut, but she succeeded in making me feel bad. I also remember when I went to LasVegas she just hollered and told me how could I do such a thing ,, to leave my kids for 3 days and go out to that place. What an old bag ... She also threw a fork at me one time when I told her that a man friend from out of town was coming to spend the weekend with us. I don't know why I felt I had to tell her in the first place, but she got mad and threw a fork at me. That is why I say, her hatred of me is so deep that I would not turn my back on her ever again. Now that she is in her twilight years, she might get bolder thinking time is short to do me in. Monster....

[Ellie]

I used to hate holidays that require gift giving. We would spend days trying to think of the right gift for my Nparents. No matter what we got them, they would chastise me. Ndad would say things like "what in the world made you think I would want something like that", or "take it back and get your money back, I don't want anything like this".

Most of the these gifts were shirts for work, or a jacket in the style he liked, or a cap like the kind he wears.

Nmom would open a gift and if it was clothes she would look immediately at the tag and if it was her size she would say "You think I'm this big?????" And if was too small she would say "You just can't get my size right, can you?". If it wasn't clothes she would inspect every centimeter of it looking for something broken. If she couldn't find a flaw, she would put it aside and say she didn't like things like that.

We live 2000 miles from them so we used to video my kids opening the gifts from the grandparents so they could share the holiday. This year Nmom videoed their Christmas morning. My kids wanted to get them something that reminded them of where we live since they will not visit. So they got jackets with the state name and animal embroidered on it. On video Ndad opened his, looked straight at the camera, frowned deeply, set the box down, never said a word, then went to the next box. Nmom opened hers, looked at the camera, laid the box in the floor and said to turn off the camera.

In the past when we videoed the kids for them, I reminded the kids to say thank you, to talk to the grandparents some, to show their gifts, etc. But Nparents knew they were videoing to send this to us, and neither said a word. The kids wanted candy wrapped with the gifts too and neither parent said a single word to my kids. Their expressions were of disgust.

We don't have that worry anymore - there will never be a card, gift, or anything sent to them ever again.

What is it with Ns and gift giving? Are they so engrossed in themselves that there is no gift on earth that would please them? Or is it just the giver that displeases them?

[tigerlily]

It's the control they want.  I remember wanting to find a really nice purse for Christmas that my mother would love.  She was so picky about everything. I made sure it was leather, the color she wanted, it had to have a zipper here and there and wherever else,, it had to have compartments where she wanted them, and it had to have little metal things for it to sit on the bottom.  I ran my ass off looking for the right purse, spent more than I wanted to spend on it but did anyway because I knew it met all the requirements, and I proudly gave it to her.  Her response?  "It's too heavy."  She never used it, although it was just like what she always picked (only cheaper).  Unbelievable.  So, it has to be the control.  If she would have been pleased with it, then that meant I had done something right for a change.  And she couldn't have that happen.

[Discounted Girl]

See, that's what always had me in a catch 22. My kids would have said "look, grandma and papa acted like they didn't like our gift!" Then, I would have skirted the issue and made excuses for their rudeness, saying, well, they probably had something else on their mind,, or,, you think so? it didn't look that way to me. I did that all their growing up years, covered up the monster and faked a mask over her, so when they saw her in action on the day of my Dad's funeral, it blew their mind and they have been in a state of shock ever since. There was no time or energy left for me to protect them. Their reactions have been, "why would you hide it from us?" to "you should have dealt with her years ago and not let us get close to her." to "you can't wait till now when she is almost dead for us to find out, now what are we supposed to do? We can't be mean to our grandma, she's an old woman now, but if we have communciations with her then we feel like we are betraying you." So, I say to all of you with children, don't cover up the nasty N's -- but I still think it's traumatic to see your grandparent treat your mother in such a way. Well, it just got out of hand after so many years of abuse and making excuses, everybody is dysfunctional now and I think it's mostly her fault, no, let me rephrase that, contrary to what anyone might think, IT'S ALL HER FAULT  

[Ellie]

This will surprise no one on this board, but I must tell you someone. After years of Ndad getting mad that we sent cards and gifts for his birthday and Christmas, last year I simply stopped.

I didn't call, send a card - just went on like any other day.

A week went by and I got an email from my niece/adopted sister living with them) saying "Please call Poppaw or send a card or something. He's moping around like it's the end of the world. We can't stand to see him this way. He's been upset since you didn't send a card or call on his birthday. Everyday he asks me and Mommaw if you have called yet". She said he really wanted to hear from me, he really loves me......

Of course I didn't give in. I got a good laugh from it though!

[Moonflower]

...

[ch]

That's a good point Moonflower.  Get her crap!! That is all they deserve after years and years of trying to please these ungrateful Nfolks.  

But really, everybody.  Don't take it personally.  Nparents just have a deep sense of self-loathing, so its really themselves that they can't stand and we as children are nothing more than mirrors to them.  This is why it always seems we are never ever heard.  We don't really exist to them, except to mirror them and be part of the sadistic game.

[flower]

Hi ch,

My Nmother tried to embarrass me again by telling the waiter how it was a first time and a once-in-a-lifetime event for me to treat her to a meal on Mother's Day. I couldn't believe what a pathological liar she was. It was heart-sickening to pay that bill and to condone her behavior. I had since regretted it so much. I also resented my father for sitting there and letting it happen. No defense. No truth-seeking. No fairness. No caring. :X

Arrrrg !   Your mom is something else!

------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

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[tigerlily]

I've got a good one for you.  You know how kids ask for things when they go shopping.  That's just the way kids are.  Well, one day when I was about 10 years old my mother and I were in a store and she saw a bracelet and earring set she liked (costume jewelry).  So she says to me "See, I would just love to have this, but I don't buy everything I see like you would like to do."  I guess that was supposed to be a great lesson.  Later that day I was at my dad's boss's house- his wife was a wonderful woman who just loved kids, so, naturally I was drawn to her.  She asked me if I would like to make some money by doing some chores around the house, and, of course, I would have killed for her.  So I did them and she gave me two dollars.  She said I could come next week again if I wanted to make more money. Then I had a thought.  I told her I was saving to buy my mother some jewelry and could I come back next week for the work but get an advance so I could buy the jewelry before it was gone.  She thought it was very sweet that I wanted to do that, so she wholeheartedly agreed and gave me the money.  Well, I hopped on my bike with the four dollars, rode three miles into town and tried to buy it.  I was so young I didn't know there was a tax, so I had to ride the 3 miles back home, get a dime from my piggy bank and ride back into town with the extra money. I finally bought the jewelry, took it home, wrapped it up and eagerly waited until my mother got home so I could surprise her.   When she opened it and found out how I got the money she went through the roof.  She screamed at me and told me I could cost my father his job (which is so ridiculous, even at that age I knew better than that).  She drove right back into town to the store with me and marched me up to the lady I had made the purchase from.  She told the lady she had to return the jewelry because I had bought it with money that didn't belong to me.  In other words, she made it appear that I had stolen the money.  I was so humiliated I couldn't believe it.  I will never forget that day.

[Ellie]

Tigerlily,
That was a heart breaking story. But I can see the entire situation play out. I have been in similar situations. Nparents always told us how poor we were (we weren't really, they are frugal) but they refused to let anyone do anything for us. They could accept things from others, but us kids never could. And as a child, you don't understand what the fuss is about, you just know for some reason you are not good enough to be in the same role as your parent - feeling liked enough to get things from others. Everytime I got a gift from a friend, my mother made me give it back. She said the friend probably stole it or something because kids didn't have money to buy stuff with. Needless to say, when my daughter comes home with a special gift from a friend, I used to react with this kind of behavior asking who gave it to you, why, when, what for.... giving her teh third degree also.

Now I just say how wonderful it is to have good friends like that. My daughter is always giving her friends things too, sometimes too many or her clothes much to my dismay. But she's a giving person. And I learn so much good behavior from my kids. I have such a hard time trying to determine the best course of action in some situations because of the way my parents raised me - but I have learned that children are innocent and usually do not have alterior motives behind their actions. If you watch a kid, you can learn the innocense of some actions that we learned were supposed to be 'Bad'.

The other thing my kids are teaching me is how to let go of bad feelings. If you watch a child get their feelings hurt, or get punished, or not get their way, they usually are over it within 15 minutes. My Nparents were the type to hold on to bad feelings and stuff forever! When we got grounded it was for 1 month - bacause it took them that much time to get it out of 'their' system. They would remind us everyday of things that happened years prior, just to keep telling us how bad we were.  I started out like that as a mother. H brought it to my attention. I started watching my kids and saw they got over things really fast. In fact, I would assume they would stay mad at me for a long time - but they were over it in a matter of minutes, sometimes it took an hour. I am learning that if they are the hurting party and can let it go, why should I remember it? It gets funny now because I will tell H after our work day that I had trouble with one of them early that morning and he asks what happened - my response: "I don't remember". It feels good to really not remember because I know I am starting to let go!

[Discounted Girl]

thoughtful posts on this thread -- I am moved. Yes, the innocence of a child, oh how precious and sweet, it makes me want to cry from the sweet goodness of their little souls. To break that new-found spirit and wish them harm should be against the law -- I imagine punishment will come after it's all said and done. How could you possibly be mean to a little kid?? It just boggles my mind.

I remember a Christmas when I was very young, maybe 6 at the most. I don't know why I did this, but I remember it well. I had some coins that I guess my grandpa had given me or birthday money, something -- it was probably about $1 made up of nickles, dimes and pennies. Well, I was in the Christmas spirit but I didn't have any gifts to give and no boxes under the tree were from me. So, I wanted to have a box under the tree from me to my mother. Well, she had a drawer with little boxes and wrapping paper and tape, etc., so I got in there and got out a tiny little box and put my coins in it, and got out some wrapping paper, but I didn't have any scissors. I asked her if I could use her scissors -- instead of questioning why a 6 year old wants scissors, she just hollered and told me where they were. So, I wrapped the box and I remember the tape was stuck all over in a mess and I put it under the tree. She saw me and picked it up and shook it (even her IQ could tell it was coins) and started yelling at me to quit wasting paper, that nobody wanted a box of pennies and to quit causing trouble.

I have never forgotten that incident. She was not even 30 years old yet and had not a sweet bone in her body. I have seen her slobber and fall all over gifts from others, but not from me. A few years ago I bought myself and her twin cashmere sweater sets. I never saw her wear her's, but when she saw me wear mine she said, "Oh, I forgot about that, I should get mine out, that looks nice."

[Ellie]

AHA! Wasting wrapping paper.....

Ndad made me LEARN to wrap gifts the PERFECT way, sos not to watse pater. He yelled at me if every line not perfectly lined up and the tape was not just 1/2 inch long and on in a perfectly straight line. And he would check to make sure the box had no give in the paper at all - there could be no looseness anywhere!

After I moved out and visited for holidays I brought presents I meticulously wrapped under the memory of the wrapping lessons. My Ndad inspected every package I brought in the house. But he didn't care about anyone else's warpping - only made my life hell!!!

Bet ya can't guess how happy I was when the  gift bags came out!!!!! YIPPPEEEEE! Life simplified all in a moment of time by the invention of the gift bag!