why is it so hard to get over cruel lover

[sea storm]

I was talking to my sister about how empty I feel without my partner, even though it was often hellish and at the end a nightmare. She said in a kind and gentle way that I was the one in the family who tried to make it nice for everyone else.  I told her in the past that when I stopped making it nice for mom, there was no relationship. It was just empty.

This emptiness felt like a horrible vast dessert.  I think my sister is right.  I feel this existential, deep, physical and emotional loneliness.  I have a potentially good life now. I have a good job that pays well, I live in a nice house on a beautiful river, I have a few good friends, I am working at painting and writing, I love my cat and my health is improving.
I think that the emptiness might not all be about my great love for my ex but more the lack of love for myself and my need to be taking care of someone in order to feel valuable and alive.

I am kinda sick of taking care of others all the time.  I do this at work and with my friends. Honestly, I don't really know what to do if I am not taking care of others or trying to please them.  I don't want to be so sad about the end of my relationship anymore. li am getting fed up with how much energy it saps me of.

If anyone can relate to this, please write.  I know it sounds like codependency, but that is such a label.  I would like to hear about how people feel about this compulsion to rescue men and help them.

Sea storm

[gjazz]

Sea storm:  you are not alone in this.  I was the "make it all OK" person in my family, and boy was that exhausting.  The anxiety was enormous, because of course I was attempting the impossible, and I think that pattern, as with all behaviors ingrained throughout childhood, is naturally adapted into our adult lives.  I relate to the loneliness this situation causes, the feeling of despair.  And for me, the feeling that I'm stuck, treading water, never getting what I really want, always tired, while everyone else moves onward and upward in life.  I've been trying to coach myself into making all that energy I once focused outward available inward, for me, for my health and my professional life, and have had some success in the ten years I've been at it.  But I can only say I'm imperfectly successful, as I still find even dating so draining I avoid it.   Reading your post, what I wished for you was that you could make yourself the object of your own kindness and gentleness for awhile.  Not meaning to make it sound simple, just one little step that helped me break away.  In any event, know there are others out there who have walked the proverbial miles in your moccasins.

[Juno]

Yes, I have that emptiness too.  And I also have a lot of anger that I don't want to feel or deal with.  The anger comes from never being worth anything other than the value of my "services" to others to make their lives and their emotions easier for them to deal with.  I have a great deal of anger over this.  I had this anger all along I believe but just bottled it up because I wasn't important enough to be angry or have any of the things I wanted out of life.  Everybody else came first.  Everything about me and who I was, whoever I was, could be given away or given over.  I don't even know who I am.  I'm still working on things like, am I hungry?  Then I should eat now.  Am I tired?  Then I should sleep now.

I think my emptiness and loneliness comes from having parents who didn't love me or want me.

The anger comes from giving myself away.  Being required to give myself away.  And I'm also angry now because I have landed myself in a lifestyle and job that continues to require that from me.  My life is such a bad fit for me.  But I feel stuck with it.  And I was trained for it so well by my own family.

I gave away everything thinking that since I was the "good" one, my parents loved me best.  Turns out they didn't love me at all.  So, I could have done what I wanted all along.  Only I didn't know what I wanted.  I didn't know how to do things.  The only thing I was taught to do was put myself last.  Nothing else.  I have to learn all that now.  That's what wears me out.

About not loving yourself--I was thinking back on when it all went very wrong for me.  In spite of my family I did manage somehow to think on some level I was worthwhile.  I remember being thirteen and starting to think I was pretty and I had lots of friends.  Then I had a series of disasters:  parents split up, sister in foster care, best friend in the whole world moved out of state, other close friends turned on me and started a campaign of stalking and harassment and threats.  It was all at once and all traumatic and my budding, fragile sense of self (and learning to love myself) just stopped in the water.

It is just recently that I was thinking about how learning to love myself was a stage of development that I was beginning at age thirteen.  That is probably quite a bit later than most children learn to love themselves.  But it was happening. 

It's really hard to pick up with something like that now.  The Ns, and others who take advantage of our fragile selves, are going directly to that very raw part of ourselves.  It is dormant and just waiting for something to feed it.

[Ami]

Dear Sea
 You can see that the you are replaying  old patterns. James introduced "Reclaiming your Life' to the board. It addresses exactly what you are saying,old patterns replaying in present life in  painful and harmful ways.It  would be wonderful to have a discussion of this book. I think we all have similar patterns replaying and greatly diminishing our lives.
 I am sorry you are hurting, Sea.                 Ami

[LilyCat]

Hi Sea Storm,

I'm right with you there on the emptiness. Kudos to you, that is a really hard thing to admit to anyone. Really hard, I think.

I've always felt that way, and never more so than the past few years. Last year I let myself completely get in touch with it. Can't say things have improved, but at least I know what I'm dealing with. And like you, I tend to care of people. That's what my parents taught me, in fact, raised me to do -- take care of them.

I think it's no coincidence that the two go hand-in-hand. If you're not raised to be aware of your own needs and meet them, but to constantly think of others and meet theirs ... well, then, life being what it is, you're going to end up feeling empty. Because no one can fill you but you.

This is a lot of how I got involved with the N. There was/is just nothing inside me, so there was nothing but vast, empty space for him to take up. Yippee! Eurkeka!! He must have thought. There's nothing else going on there so she has nothing but availability for me.

Maybe it was the same for you and your relationship.

It's interesting. When I took the eharmony profile one of the sections talked about how I have a lot to give, and although I give a lot, I don't give everything I have. It suggested that I was perhaps afraid that there would be nothing left of me.

I could not believe how accurate that was. I'd known it for years, but I was very surprised a test could pick that up. I feel so very bad, regularly, because I want to give, to my friends in real life and to people on this and another message board, but I have nothing to pull from. There's just emptiness there. And yet the heart is willing. So often I have nearly said this to a particular friend of mine; I may yet.

I'm with the sleeping crowd. I've been coming home and going to bed about a half-hour after I get there, for the past several months. A little better lately, but I'm still a sleeper!

Anyway, I have no great words of advice or solace to offer, but I thought perhaps just knowing someone else feels it would help. Maybe feel a little less empty for you.

Hugs,

LC

[sea storm]

Thank you all for writing. Each reply was so important to me.  The emptiness and loneliness is so frightening or at least it used to be that I would avoid it at all costs.  I remember thinking that I would rather die than break up with my ex. Very slowly I have let myself sink into it and I can usually pull out of it if I take care of myself.
As you say LilyCat, I let the N fill the void and in many ways I was content to be a reflection of him.

I have tried E Harmony but my heart is not in it and I can't imagine following through and meeting someone. It seems like a supermarket. As for giving to friends and feeling there is nothing to pull from.... boy I can relate to that.  That exuberant, responsive  person is dormant or gone.  Now I can only stand to be with people that i can just be with.  I don't want to have to generate anything.  Little by little something new is coming I think. But very slow.  i watch where I feel alive.  That is a guidepost for me.  And I can't veer too far off from that or I cave in. 

Yes, I am a sleeper too. My job would suck the life out of anyone's bone marrow and I am pooped at the end of the day. I am learning to not give so much at work too.  I am a chidlrens's counsellor and I let them fill the space more.  At first I thought I was short changing them but I think they prefer the softer version of me.  The parents are really exhausting. Lots of denial, attacking etc.
Most people would think that I get allong with anybody.  I do.  But at a cost. I sleep.  And dream.

Juno, you are so right about the anger.  I have lots of it.  Eventually, I was a raging tiger and could not stand my life because it was such a lie.  I don't want to be nice. I want to be real.  I am so sorry about your early teen years and all the loses.  If only there was someone there for you to help you through that.  I dont think it is ever too late for the work of learning to love yourself.  Blossoming comes from loving yourself.

Tonight I feel more connected and I am glad I gave a name to that fearful place inside me.  I feel great warmth to the people who feel that way too. To the ones who were starved of acknowledgement and love as children.

I keep trying. Tonight I had a little birthday party for a friend. I was really tired but it was worth it.  All three of us were tired.  We watched a movie about the Joffrey Ballet called "The Company". It was wonderful.  i think my inner child likes all this and then I feel better. What loving yourself is, I am not too sure.  Acceptance for where I am at and compassion.

Thanks for the replies.  Really thanks.

Sea storm

[Juno]

Sea, I just got up for work.  Your reply to our replies is very loving.  I will read it again when I come home again this morning.  My own life is in such a bad spot these days.  I can see I am not alone though.  Neither are you.  A children's counselor.  I bet they love you.

[dandylife]

Sea Storm,

You wrote, "I think that the emptiness might not all be about my great love for my ex but more the lack of love for myself and my need to be taking care of someone in order to feel valuable and alive."

I think you know the key deep down. It's normal to need that connection to someone. It's normal to yearn for love reflected back from someone. Until you do find a deserving person to give love to, do you have friends you can spend time with? Just to have lunch, bowl a few rounds, or even have a picnic with a girlfriend or a niece or nephew? You can "take care" of - love- friends and those around you and have love reflected back. It IS so rewarding. You sound like you have so much to give and it's just ready to burst!

You also wrote, "I remember thinking that I would rather die than break up with my ex." I didn't have THAT particular feeling, because I broke up with him once, and I survived! BUT I do sometimes have the feeling of "I would rather die than go through another dramafest with him!" Seriously. But, I think it's just your brain trying to NAME the feeling - and we don't have the words in our vocabulary to name this feeling. I don't think either of us TRULY would rather DIE than deal with either of these things. It's just a FEELING. And overwhelming one at that. But I think we do feel a need to put the feeling into words. I always acknowledge feeling it and let it sit for a few minutes and then I tell myself that this is just a moment. A moment in time. And it's perfectly ok to feel that way in this moment. And this moment will pass.

(((Sea Storm)))

Dandylife

[sea storm]

Yes I know it is just a feeling but I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager. There are reasons for it and they are not easily expunged.

I do meditation and it really helps to understand and let the feelings go. Learning that I have some control of the horror show that can be unleashed in my mind has been a big step in healing.  Some people including me have some very powerful feelings and to people who don't have the black dogs of depression haunting them, it must seem like idle twaddle.  Well, so be it.

There were three kids in grade three.  Two boys and a girl.  All very bright.  I was told that one of the boys had been frightened by a horror story told by the little girl. I thought, "Oh how silly. THis should be a piece of cake. I'll have a chat with the little boy.  I met with him and as he was so yourng i said ,'I hear you had something happen last week and you haven't been feeling good about it ( understatement of the year).  He said point blank," It changed my life".  This little boy has this integrity and goodness about him that is rare and beautiful.
He explained that someone told him the school is haunted and they went into lurid, gorey, aweful , surgical detail about the horror.  They kept at him and would reinforce the horror of it and get him when he was off guard. They told him that if he didnt believe the story the ghost would play terrible tricks on him and his family. 

As a result, he could not sleep, eat or go to the washroom without experiencing terror.  What I had thought was a trivial, silly little chidish prank was very real to this kid.  It was not a drama for him, it was genuine trauma.
The little girl who was behind this denied doing it. The boy sat and listened to her lie about the verbal abuse and the blood drained out of his face as he said , "Im not a liar".  The little girl said,"Yes, You are".  It was something to see. The budding little narcissist and the innocent.   Anyway, turns out the little girl was living her own horror show.  No body could say oh they are just feelings,.  Sometimes you can but not about the big stuff. 

Having someone acknowlege and empathize with my feeling goes a long way in helping me throught them. 

Sea storm

[dandylife]

Sea Storm,

I'm so sorry - I did not realize that you experienced that depth of feeling. I didn't mean to minimize it. Please accept my deepest apologies. I sort of equated it to what I might feel in similar circumstances - I didn't mean to take away your unique experience. But I do sort of identify with you on this.

The story you told of the boy/girl is a vivid example of our unique perspectives.

Thank you for reminding me of this.

Do you have someone in 3D to talk with about this?

Dandylife

[Juno]

Sea storm--it is hard to be this way.  I have things I need to talk about (with my new counselor, starting next week) that are very big to me and probably sound over-blown to others.  But one of the things I need to talk about with her--at the time it happened I truly wanted to die to get away from the way I felt.  The only thing that kept me going at that time was remembering how my family would feel if I did something to myself.  My feelings were agonizing to me.  I don't ever want to go through that again.

I'm glad the little boy had you there to understand what was at stake for him.  "It changed my life."  And I'm amazed that you got to the bottom of what was going on with the little girl.  I would have been very angry at her.  Too angry to help probably.

Thank you for sharing your self and explaining it so well.  ((((((((())))))))

[gjazz]

You sound like a patient and kind support for these children, and they are lucky to have you.  I'm not surprised that the little girl turned out to be going through a horror of her own.  As a child, I was a quite accomplished liar and a creative little piece of work, and could scare the pants off other kids if I tried.  Looking at the way narcissism runs in families, I think had I not had a series of revelations about my father, I might have been at risk of going down that road as an adult.  In his family, his father was clearly a rampant N, his only sibling (a sister) is unbelievable (she has three kids, all three with serious mental health issues), but we got lucky: he left.  And later, I moved 3,000 miles away and required all communication between us to be written (so he couldn't simply deny his words, which was pretty much the norm).  Because he refused to write, we had no communication.  And you know what?  I got better.  It took awhile, but the suicidal urges I'd had since childhood (I attempted it at ages 11 and 14) went away.  I hope, sea storm, that his is what happens for you.  I believe it will.

[sea storm]

I really appreciate your responses.  I dont know what to say right now. It really isolates a person, me, to have this to drag around with me.  I need to know that I am not alone in this. That is a great comfort to me.

I work with children and can relate to their feelings. I think they have big personalities and our society is pretty clueless about children.  The little girl who told the horror story when asked if she watched horror stories said that they had no effect on her. Zero affect.  She watches them all the time with her dad.  Oh lovely........  This is what the media says too. Well, i can tell you that a kids life can change in one day.   As an adult, he would never be able to intellectually figure out what had happened to him. At his age he doesnt have the knowlege, language or experience to describe it.  i used EMDR with him. His parents were deeply committed to helping him.  But who knows really where we get derailed as kids.  If only we knew.

The subtle devastating and repetitive injuries that children of narcissists experience is so profound.  It is a miracle that a lot of the people here are even managing to hang on.  this needs to be a safe place to speak and be heard.

Sea storm

[alone48]

Sea Storm,

I can so relate to your feelings. I actually felt worse because I knew I shouldn't care, so something must be wrong with me that I still did. I try to think about what I miss so much and really it comes down to having someone fill a void and not having to be alone with myself. Not sure if this is you, but it is terrifying to me. I have weathered the worse of it (it's been 1 year) But still feel alone and wonder about him, even after all he has done. Did I love him or the idea of having someone to love? I think it was the latter, but it hurts just as much. I have lost so much in my life becuase of this person, why do I continue to give them this power? My prayers are with you.

[lighter]

I can relate, ss.

Truly and deeply.... I can relate.

Sounds like you have an idea of what's going on inside of you.

Recognizing a void.....

realizing you can change your patterns.....

and fill it with something new and uplifting.

The thing about new is......

it sometimes feels uncomfortable and takes some getting used to.

Once you get over the discomfort.... relief often follows, IME.edm,n

Be mindful of the voice in your head.... is it kind and patient?

Ask yourself what you'd liike to do, eat... see.....

whenever you're tempted to find someone else to ask.

See what happens.

Lighter