Dear Hopalong

[LilyCat]

Hops,

It's so good to have you "back."

I've read this thread; I'd like to read your other post(s) but can't findi them ... so ... I'm not up on all the details, but it sounds like you're going through an awful time.

What a wonderful response from your fellow church members. that is just great, but not surprising. You're such a terrific person.

I'm going to guess that a lot of what you're going through emotionally might be related not just to current events with your mother's house, etc., but also just from not having to take care of her anymore. When someone fills your life that way, and you by necessity of some kind become their care-giver, it is an immense loss and hole when that person leaves your care. It is its own kind of mourning. You have a huge hole to fill.

As for the clutter -- yikes! It is actually painful for me to take any little item and find a place for it, put it away, etc. I'm sure a lot of this comes from my mother, but it's also, as someone said (can't find the post right now) often antithetical to creatives. (But not always. I have an artist-girlfriend who is quite organized. But she's amazing. Quietly so.) Cleaning up after my parents is a whole huge issue for my sister and I. As an adult she had done it, I refused. (Boundaries! Not my responsibility!!!!!!! Their job!!!!!!) They moved, twice, and both times it was just an unbelievable nightmare. Especially when they moved from the house I grew up in after 40 years. My mom was a packrat. She never threw ANYTHING out!

Anyway...

as far as the gardener. these are always the most pressing issues, aren't they? I can't give you any advice, I am not the person to give it to you, but I will say this: I think it's essential to figure out what you want, in the bigger picture and with him. Then you have to see how much reality fits with that. Guess what I'm saying is, you have to know what you want, what you're capable of, and make your choices from that. As my brother once wrote to me, "want what you want, not what you think you want or try to want or think you should want."

Oh, it sounds so linear! It's anything but that!

Anyway, hang in there. We all love you here. Have missed your voice.

LC

[cats paw]

Hops,

  I'll join you and TT in the Aftermath recovery group !

  Many wise voices have spoken, and if he's not the proverbial Mr. Right, and is Mr. Right-For-Now, I wonder what having one of your
imaginary conversations with Pema would yield ?

cats paw

[Hopalong]

Sea Storm....SO much to thank you for!

I trust your judgement but sense that passion is at play here and that you are losing yourself a little.

Definitely. Passion is cooking. Take one affection-starved 58 y/o woman and plop a kind, cuddly man beside her and the whole notion of giving up the CUDDLE makes her go bonkers. You're right. I was truly leaking out of my own psyche on Saturday. Much better now. 

I would like to see you take back your power and not stick around for a waiting game.

 
Yup. I feel that I don't need to do anything dramatic but I even said to him, "Since I know I want a happy deep relationship, I may have to take responsibiity for bringing that about at some point. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it." This was the first time I've ever calmly said to a man what I want, and made plain that if I find it's not going to be possible, I will make a new choice for myself.

You deserve that whole wonderful, messy  love of your life feeling.

 
I'd like to have something that free and open and joyous. I've come to realize I have my half of it. I CAN do that, so if I am with someone who feels he can't, then I will not stifle who I am for him. (He's not saying, stifle yourself. And I expect he's doing some pondering. But I can be separate from him and make choices for my own wellbeing.)

I cant help but think that you were very vulnerable after your mom went to live somewhere else, sibling rivalry surfaces like a nuclear submarine, and you faced so many changes.

Indeedy yes.

Your brother seemed to be able to reduce you to small child. The up side of that was that you got to see what it must have been like as a child having to live with the two of them in the house and no escape.

Thank you. What a gift, to show me the upside. And you're entirely right. Wow. For all its middle class and propriety trappings, my home was dangerous for me psychologically. My Dad was a buffer, but they were more powerful.

Thank you again for your wisdom, Sea Storm.
One of the women who came to help me today is a psychologist. I was mystified as to why I fell apart this w/e, when Mom has been gone since late January. Why on earth? Why wasn't I feeling GREAT? I told her I even had wondered if I was having some sort of PTSD, and she said it was right on schedule, that delayed PTSD reactions usually kick in right around 6 months later. Mom's stroke and the dawning realization that I couldn't help any more, and then my brother's legal attack...huh! I guess it all just added up, and I was overwhelmed by the task of clearing out her rooms.

xxoo gratefully,
Hops

[Hopalong]

Axa, dear woman, do you do needlepoint?

It is when I abandon myself I get the longing
for an other to come in and make it right.....
When I go into waiting and hoping mode I want someone. 
When I am in adult mode and living a full and engaged life,
my aloneness feels like freedom.

Thank you for this beautiful truth.

love to you,
Hops

[Hopalong]

Lord, CB...that's too wonderfully spot on in too many places to hit the quotey thing...
THANK YOU.

It's A Fine Romance by Judith Sills, PhD!! HOW COULD I FORGET!
I have crammed this wonderful book down the throats of so many suffering women panicking in the early stages of relationships...how could I ignore it myself?????????????????????????????????
(She can dish it out but not take it.)

Oh how right you are. Whether it's with P or someone else, the same dance must be danced. The same space given and respected. The same need for some detachment is there. Even if I have to do a battle royal with weakness sometimes.

When we had The Talk, I was able to tell him, truthfully, I think it's good that you take the time and space you need. I'm not even sure I want somebody here in the mornings. This weekend was just a confluence of so many stresses that I got vulnerable.

(Oddly, one thing I'd fixated on was that I'd been to his house, and realized it was very very clean. And mine was beginning to resemble a lair. So I started obsessing that he would leave at night because it was messy. And then he made clear that it was his way of keeping things less intimate, nothing to do with the clutter. I was feeling SHAME. And it wasn't necessary....he was just taking care of himself. In his weird way.)

Maybe I have assimilated what's wise, even when I can't act on it. I didn't lose the recognition that him stepping back was a good thing. During The Talk, I was even sensing (while forgetting all about The Book) ... that there was something okay about his retreat despite my reaction to it.

Thank you CB. Always.

love
Hops

[teartracks]

Hi catspaw,

I'll join you and TT in the Aftermath recovery group !

Yeah, cp, you'd never see a recovery group called Afterglow, right?   

tt

[Hopalong]

Hear hear, Ami.
And you know what?
If a man were falling apart too often, and asking me to be responsible for him feeling safe in the world...I'd retreat.
Sauce for the gander, sauce for the goose.

Unclingily,

Hops

[Hopalong]

Lilycat,
Is your brother married? I LIKE HIM! 

I'm glad you get it about the clearing out.
I realized today that it was like killing my mother.
Over and over I made ruthless decisions about her books (she was a librarian and literacy mad -- one of the nice things about her) and her things. I had no compassion for her taste or her little valueless treasures. And it was HARD to do.

But the women were amazing. I had never met half of them. SEVEN women showed up with boxes and good humor and energy and just plowed through it. There's still some more to do but it's going to be pleasant enough to show the interim minister when he comes by with the realtor in the morning, and he'll be able to see what a nice space it is. Except for some classic books, a few pieces of art and the furniture...my parents are gone from the downstairs wing.

Wow. It was draining but wonderful.

And I am so grateful.

too tired to type more but thank you, too

I'm awash in kindness and shared wisdom...

with much love, and a grateful heart,

Hops

[ann3]

Dear Hops,

 I was overwhelmed by the task of clearing out her rooms.
Me Too!!!!! 

My NM passed a few years ago and I MUST discard her clothing.  I've avoided it for years, but the time has come.  Is this what's happening for you?

It's sooo hard.  These are her personal things.  AH!!!!!!  I've envisioned doing it a thousand times in my mind, but I can't face the reality of doing it.  Think I'll have a friend come over & hold my hand.

love,
ann

[lighter]

Oh, Hops....

it makes me feel good to picture you walking barefooted accross newfound clear uncluttered sunlit floors.

Now it's time to create your own sacred space.

Lighter

[teartracks]

Hi Hops,

I feel like I made a huge faux pas writing the following post copied below.  I got my thoughts about your caregiving your mom for a decade and the gardener all crosswise.  I hope your sense of humor rescued me on this one and I hope you know what I mean by trying to explain.

tt 

Hi catspaw,

I'll join you and TT in the Aftermath recovery group ![color/]

Yeah, cp, you'd never see a recovery group called Afterglow, right?    

tt
 

[Hopalong]

 

TT...your Aftermath musings didn't bother me one bit, because in fact they sailed right over my head. I just figured y'all were enjoying a nice little chat... Haha. NOW I get it! Afterglow, I get.

No fo pah.

 

love
Hops

[Ami]

Thinking of you, Hops. Sit tight with your guy and you may find that he misses your company and is back very soon. That is my hope.             Blessings,    Ami