Hops,
It's so good to have you "back."
I've read this thread; I'd like to read your other post(s) but can't findi them ... so ... I'm not up on all the details, but it sounds like you're going through an awful time.
What a wonderful response from your fellow church members. that is just great, but not surprising. You're such a terrific person.
I'm going to guess that a lot of what you're going through emotionally might be related not just to current events with your mother's house, etc., but also just from not having to take care of her anymore. When someone fills your life that way, and you by necessity of some kind become their care-giver, it is an immense loss and hole when that person leaves your care. It is its own kind of mourning. You have a huge hole to fill.
As for the clutter -- yikes! It is actually painful for me to take any little item and find a place for it, put it away, etc. I'm sure a lot of this comes from my mother, but it's also, as someone said (can't find the post right now) often antithetical to creatives. (But not always. I have an artist-girlfriend who is quite organized. But she's amazing. Quietly so.) Cleaning up after my parents is a whole huge issue for my sister and I. As an adult she had done it, I refused. (Boundaries! Not my responsibility!!!!!!! Their job!!!!!!) They moved, twice, and both times it was just an unbelievable nightmare. Especially when they moved from the house I grew up in after 40 years. My mom was a packrat. She never threw ANYTHING out!
Anyway...
as far as the gardener. these are always the most pressing issues, aren't they? I can't give you any advice, I am not the person to give it to you, but I will say this: I think it's essential to figure out what you want, in the bigger picture and with him. Then you have to see how much reality fits with that. Guess what I'm saying is, you have to know what you want, what you're capable of, and make your choices from that. As my brother once wrote to me, "want what you want, not what you think you want or try to want or think you should want."
Oh, it sounds so linear! It's anything but that!
Anyway, hang in there. We all love you here. Have missed your voice.
LC