PTSD: reintegration of split self

[sKePTiKal]

Hi there! Just saw you pop in...

yeah, that's the interesting thing about this whole process: "I"... my conscious self... doesn't have to "do" anything... more I need to STOP doing some things. For instance, I just realized the other day, that I've spent a lot of time & energy controlling (or trying to) how other people perceive me. Of course, I learned to do this, to avoid abuse from my mother.

By just "letting it all hang out", to borrow an old phrase - to express my emotions and not attempt to self-censor, or edit, or make my words - my expression of emotion - politically correct. I have been able to do this, this week. Letting the chips fall where they may... and essentially, just being "me"... the way I am without hiding or trying to make myself appear to be something "acceptable". Not worried about being "acceptable" for what I really think & feel.

That's one thing; I'll probably find some more!

That's sort of a confusing description, I guess. But my conscious self has always invested a lot of time in trying to say what I have to say, express my feelings, without hurting anyone else's feelings, making them angry, or threatening them in any way. I am oh-so-careful with words. And in the process, I end up silencing myself and mystifying other people through this heavy editing process. Especially when there are really strong feelings behind my words.

So I'm sort of stripping away those learned habits & routines that I developed as "camo" for surviving in an abusive environment. It's SAFE for my unconscious self to come out from her hiding place now... and be herself... me.

[sKePTiKal]

HUH.

I was just outside smoking before a meeting and the co-worker who asked me for my T's contact info for his wife (who's going through some things similar to what I did/am) just said...

"You ain't never gonna quit smoking THAT way". "I guess it's all about maintaining some level of sanity, isn't it?"

And I saw in a flash - that's EXACTLY what the smoking is about... 40 years ago.... and now. I'd just posted the above about controlling how other's see me - and was ruminating on whether I try to control other people... my smoking is all about hanging on to MY understanding of "reality" when in a situation where no one else has a clue about normal reality...

well DUH.

[Gaining Strength]

Letting the chips fall where they may... and essentially, just being "me"... the way I am without hiding or trying to make myself appear to be something "acceptable".

Yes, I get this.  I have come to this same place.  It is nothing short of miraculous for me.  It completely changes so much in my life and yet the big blocks have not changed.

I think the "self-consciousness" that I lived with until recently is precisely from the need to "control" their reaction to me - to avoid more humiliation, more shame.  That was the learned me not the real me.  The self-conscious me was never ME, it was the person who tried to be what would be safe from them but it never was and it caused so much more trouble with everyone else for me.

my smoking is all about hanging on to MY understanding of "reality" when in a situation where no one else has a clue about normal reality...

That's incredible!  What an insight.  Glad for you.  I'm getting memories and understandings too.  More interested in seeing if the blocks fall than caring about the insights and memories.  For me they either lead to my feedom/healing or who cares.  Bad attitude but I have only one goal - to be free to function as the person I know that I am - the person who was shamed into dysfunction now free to function fully and pursue my interests and follow through and enjoy life.

[sKePTiKal]

My tai chi teacher is so, so wise. She says she repeats things so much, because we don't hear it until we're READY to hear it. My colleagues' comment is a case in point. I'd sorta let the smoking thing go for a few days since once again totally blowing my quit date...

it's a long story - more crazymakers in my life again and some serious physical work demands - and it just seemed easier to back off the smoking issue for a few days. But what it was REALLY, was my need to over-control myself... once again... to hang on to whatever normal reality is for ME... until the crazymakers backed off and my normal day-to-day returns. EDIT IN: with PTSD symptoms and being so easily triggered emotionally by all that part of my story locked away in my unconscious... for me, life was always precariously perched on the edge of total chaos and emotional storms... and I relied on my smoking ritual, my routines, to control... to make a safe-zone... for myself. When in reality - the danger threat simply wasn't that dire.

My colleague & I have been trading no-holds-barred conversations about some of the things his wife & I have/are going through emotionally. (I haven't shared gory details yet.) I sort of recognized something in his wife - have known them both almost 10 years now - something familiar. We both have adult children who are aggressively self-destructive. He's someone I know I can say/do/be absolutely myself with... and nothing phases him... except his worry over his wife. So it's apropos that today's words of wisdom came from him... he doesn't even know (yet) how important they are.

I'm still sort of incredulous about how much sense his off-hand remark makes; how it sums up the whole smoking thing in a nutshell - "maintain my sanity". Indeed. He's the unquestionable BEST troubleshooter I know...

[sKePTiKal]

OH MY 

I just told him how that comment hit me - and he said I could probably do the same thing with a really good fart!

        

[sKePTiKal]

OK - back to integration!!

Finally dawned on me that integration has been going on since my first weeks of therapy. THAT'S what "healing" is all about. The kind of split I experienced isn't like DID...like a completely separate personality; conscious me always knew about Twiggy... my nickname at that age.

... Twiggy took those painful, not allowed memories & feelings deep into my unconscious... but Twiggy, and those memories & feelings are ALL STILL ME.

And therapy was the process of emotional forensic archeology... digging out pieces of memory - pulling the emotions attached to the memories out into the light of day... and reliving & dealing with them. The reintegration - like so many of the things we work through - happens so slowly, gradually... that I never saw that it was happening. AS IF the process was happening through the work of the unconscious self.

The finish line is oh, so close... I'm more able to express my feelings (and know what they ARE) than at any other time in my life. Right now, the universe is giving me an opportunity to even "practice" dealing with crazymakers... to find ways to create a new kind of "SAFE" for me now... to lessen those old, triggerable wounds... so that one day soon... I just won't even think about it anymore; it won't be a big deal - after all, don't I have 40 years of experience dealing with those old PTSD symptoms, already?? And bunch of better ways of coping with them???

Yeah, buddy....

[sKePTiKal]

Well, THIS step is done... reintegration. I didn't do a thing to "make" this happen except LISTEN very closely to what Twiggy (my inner child; my unconscious self) had to say and claim her story, her feelings, her thoughts.... as ME.

She was getting impatient with me, because she thinks I'm dense... grownups are too slow to "get it", you know? Never mind, that I've been well-schooled to ignore her, dismiss her story, minimize everything she survived, and try to whitewash - and explain away - what happened. The reason for that follows... but it should be obvious to anyone here who's dealt with N's... and dysfunctional FOO's.

When I asked Twiggy what she wanted... that if she could have anything what would it be? She said she wanted to be "like before"... a whole self. I realized that my smoking was a way to prevent that from happening... to push her & her feelings to one side... I was reinforcing the message that I got from my FOO... that I wasn't important; I didn't matter.

SS's work with humiliation - and the walking with her on that path that I did - helped me to realize that the ultimate humiliation is the realization that you don't matter to your parents. INDIFFERENCE to my achievements, prevention of pursuing goals, parentification - and the responsibility of caring for, teaching, my brother and taking over my mother's responsibilities and then enduring criticism for it... were all ways that I learned I didn't matter.

Not being allowed to know the facts of my rape - and the horrible aftermath... not being allowed to even feel my normal feelings about it... equaled: I don't matter. The focus was always on my brother - the golden child. ALWAYS. Before and after the traumas. I didn't matter, except to criticize when I attempted to fulfill my mother's role in the family and still maintain my only path to freedom & escape - my school work - and ya know, it was a LOT to put on a 12 yr old. Especially a 12 yr old who'd been FORCED to split off a part of herself to be "acceptable" to her mother. Because, what no one realized, is that those feelings don't just disappear...

... those feelings plagued me through self-sabotage, through self-destructive habits like I was possessed by some hidden, powerful demon. It was just Twiggy trying to get my attention... to get me to reclaim her... to help her be like she was before. 40 years of this before I finally realized that I CAN claim her... her story... and her feelings.

I've told the story of the angel that rescued me (dissociation) during the rape. Just before I regained consciousness, he gave me his sword and told me it wasn't "my time" yet. I cried, begged & pleaded to not have to go back. Because I didn't want to have to endure the WORSE misery of my life with my family... I desired to stay "dead" rather than face the "trouble" and insanity that I knew would be my fate. This desire got turned into that self-sabotage and self-destruction, I think.

I learned to make excuses, used my creativity to explain away the dysfunction in my family - to PRETEND that I was an important part of it... and in one way, it was my effort that was responsible for everyone's getting through those tough years. Because I CARED. I had compassion for everyone BUT ME... a big ole' softy heart that believed that if I worked hard enough, sacrificed myself enough - hell, if I died trying - THEN, they would care about me.

But they didn't. They don't. They believe the wonderful fairy-tales I created about us - and the way we "were". They are totally indifferent to me - my life - and my feelings: TODAY. What I never realized until today, is that IS freedom. And because Twiggy/me is the ONLY one of the family who knows the WHOLE TRUTH and is willing to tell it... therein lies immense power as well. Because I can completely destroy the fairy-tale lies that they believe and their image of themselves simply by TELLING the TRUTH.

But I won't. It will be denied again - and there's no point sticking my hand in THAT fire, again.

Twiggy was very, very interested in power. She learned as much as she could about it and what she was most interested in was the wise use of power. By reclaiming ALL of Twiggy I can finally USE power to finish saving my self... to stop the habits - the reflex to prefer death over life - to use my compassion, my caring to finish up this long, long journey and to use the power of that caring where it is wanted, needed, and appreciated.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That's MUCH BETTER, now.

[Gaining Strength]

PR - I was working yesterday to acknowledge my pain and to then move out of it so I could function.  As I was sitting there doing that I felt like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes - so of course I immediately thought of you.  The power of the concept of the Phoenix came through to me so strongly in that moment.  The power of that rising, that resurrection gave me strength and encouragement.  I remembered that moment as I read your post.

When I read you, Twiggy is so real, so distinct, so personified.  I see what you are doing and see how valid it is for me as well but I only have LG (little girl) and she is so amorphous.  But I see her strength and am ready to give my control over to her.  LG is full of ideas and hope and energy.  LG is compassionate and idealistic.  She is not aware of the abuse and learned helplessness that will later bind her.  She is bound only by her financial impotence but she is not aware of it.  She believes that if she needs monetary resources or other help that she has access to it.  She does not know that the N controls the faucet and will shut off all flow to her.

Had she seen the truth, she would have done an end run around the man whom she trusted and found access from another source and been empowered.  Instead she backed down and acquiesced awaiting her "turn" as a bright young military officer would respect the orders of a superior awaiting his own rise, waiting to EARN his due.  I did what was asked and demanded of me, the respectful and diligent discipline but I paid the ultimate price.  Now I see that I can return to that LG before she actually gave her power away out of a sense of filial duty, believing that it was the respectful, disciplined way to go that would be rewarded richly in the appropriate time.  I sold myself into slavery by being dutiful and obedient.  That is an ultimate betrayal and a sacrifice of life.

My father sacrificed my life to feed his own lust for blood.  He gave life to me in order to feed his own desire.  The horror and dehumanization is as real as men who sacrifice their daughters in exchange for livestock or blessing from the Gods.  He completely sacrificed me.  But LG is still there.  LG's power and exuberence for life still flows.  Her creativity has never died and never waned. It is all there ready to be tapped.

I would not have known this if Twiggy had not told me.  But I don't hear LG's voice the way you hear Twiggy's.  I must find a way to connect to LG.  Twiggy is so clear to you  I must open my heart, mind and soul to LG. 

[sKePTiKal]

Become even as little children, SS... I don't know the right words to this bible verse, but it was something that came to me, after working with Twiggy for a year or better. And this - my experience - is the meaning of it, for me.

I had to so completely own Twiggy and all her emotions... all the memories she could remind me of... to finally be whole. To be able to clearly see the situation I'd been so enmeshed in... and to finally realize that I was only fighting the years of repetition of old habits... based on Twiggy's wish to finally MATTER to people who were indifferent. And of course, I thought there was something I could do to change that all these years. That it was my task to find out what that was... and when there was clearly no way I could matter EVER... the last thing left was to hurt myself.

Well, duh. That didn't change them, either. Just got me laughed at and called stupid names.

LG lives.... like "Frodo lives!" All you need to do is learn to sit quietly - sort of meditation, but safe and relaxed - and bring up a picture of LG; a memory. Watch and listen. She will reach out to you, begin to tell you secrets and you will get to know her. You may be able to reach out to her with comfort and compassion, too, if she's sad or confused by those old experiences.

And maybe instead of LG, you need to find to find an older "you"... one who was beginning to fear getting up in the morning... and work with her, instead. I wasn't called Twiggy until 11-12. Little Amber - LA - was also sad, also anxious, had trouble sleeping because of the terrors of fights in the dark... But it was Twiggy - the older me - who had been so cruelly denied being. It was Twiggy and her story that was so, so important to understanding why LA was so, so sad.

Maybe LG has the secret and will tell you. Maybe it's an older you.

I learned how to access Twigs from my T. It sounds way too simple to believe it would work - but maybe that's because I felt safe with my T, I'd learned to do this to calm anxiety... and I've always been a visual person. It's as simple as sitting in a grounded position... slow breathing... relaxing... and letting my mind lead me to Twiggy - where ever she was. Over time, that evolved into being able to respond to Twigs' needs wherever/whenever... she would let me know what she needed. Over time, that got to the point where I could myself - within my body - feel myself as Twiggy; in the shower, at tai chi... and as I let that awareness settle in and became comfortable with it... I think the whole integration process got started.

The spirals in the re-telling of the story started to get smaller & shorter; the repeated reframing and calling a spade a spade helped a lot to pull me back together. You can do it, too, I think. Let me know if I can help...

[Gaining Strength]

I am going to post something about myself here.  I want to explain why.  I thought about putting it on my own thread about Healing with Compassion but it really follows on my last post on this thread of yours PR.  I feel the strong need to apologize to you because this is about you and Twiggy and yet I am strongly, powerfully moved in response to what you are doing.  I have this incredible push and pull - pull to participate here and reluctance, sense of inappropriate invasion of your space.  That is why I am apologizing.

Here is what I figured out after my last post a few minutes ago:

 I have needed direction and freedom from the powerful psychological prison in order to act. LG can give me that direction.  The healing I have been working on can give me the freedom. It is still frightening.  I have been in prison so long - the fear and anxiety take over without thought and seem to be such a part of who I am. (I do not know who I am without them.)  That is the lie that I must destroy.  For some unknown reason, as I write this, I recognize that I actually have a reluctance to let go of this prison.  I am astonished by that.  I guess that is where I must focus first.  This makes me very, very angry. 

Again - my apology for my selfish intrusion into your work with Twiggy. Please forgive me.

[Gaining Strength]

Thank you so much for sharing about how you are able to hear Twiggy's voice.  LG - the one who knows what I need to do is an adolescent  I am clear about that. 

I so get how the Tai Chi works.  I am getting this.  Thank you.

[sKePTiKal]

Oh, just like you welcome my connection of Twiggy-work on your thread - you're most welcome to post about yourself here. Apology isn't necessary... not an intrusion - a welcome validation rather, that it's all becoming oh, so clear - FINALLY. I didn't want to keep posting on your thread because it felt like I was stepping all over your path - with my urgent need to get to the "finish line". I can imagine that maybe you feel something similar... ??

I do understand the familiar comfort of the old "prison". I still feel quite a bit of anxiety about stepping out of mine. It's showing up for me, in a no-nonsense (maybe even heavy-handed) setting of boundaries with people who expect to be able to take out their frustrations on me... who want me to be responsible for their lack of attendance/interest at training and consequent difficulty with technology - despite the opportunities I've provided for them. These people have no idea what a powder-keg lies beneath my insistence that they treat me with respect! And I still have the old reaction - oh.... why did I say that?? Maybe they'll take it the wrong way... maybe I just made things worse... and I still go smoke to push that away too.

But NOT FOR LONG.

This reaction is getting less & less intense. I AM important enough to expect the people who rely on me for help, to be civil and not make unrealistic demands of my time. The more secure I feel with that boundary... the more I can afford to be kind & generous (but firm) with those who don't seem to know such boundaries exist. It gets easier every time I do this. I've even asked my hubby to clean off his mess on the dining room table so I can change the cloth that's been on there since Christmas! He did try. (He didn't finish... but that's a different problem... and it's not mine).

Yes, I do believe if you can "tune" yourself to listen for LG, she'll point the way. She's knows what's right for you... and you, her. She needs YOU as much you need HER. Comfort, compassion, patience all help. I've been working with Twiggy now, for what? 3 years? At first - like any other stifled teen - she couldn't shut up. I have over a dozen journals of Twiggy dumping out all the sorrow, pain, anger, outrage of that first 12 years of my life... sometimes repeatedly... and sometimes realizing the same realizations over again. Until she's finally gotten it all out of her system...

... or so I thought, until I read your Shame/Humilation thread. There was yet another thing we had to face - Twiggy and me - together. The humiliation of not mattering. So you just make yourself at home here - or I'll come visit over on your thread! Because you helped me see - and finally face the emotion that goes with not mattering. And YOU matter to ME... so we can just keep on going in BOTH threads, if you like! I'm not going anywhere.

[cats paw]

Amber and SS,

  Just popping in for a moment to say how much I get from reading your threads, and to say thanks for putting everything out there.
  I think it's very courageous, and also very generous.

cats paw

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks, Cats Paw... I've missed seeing you around!

I think I've made another discovery about this re-integration stuff... having been struggling with smoking - and not smoking/smoking at intervals.

I quit 8/1... I didn't smoke Fri, Sat or Sun. It didn't bother me - the "craves" weren't that bad. Monday morning I stole one from my hubby... and worked through the whole entitlement to "forbidden pleasure" that seemed to be involved... but then I got really angry - at myself - for smoking one... and I bought a pack. Smoked it on Tuesday, except for 3 for the next morning.

What it was - was Monday morning. My job is unpredictable. On any given day, I have no idea what I'll be walking into when I come in the door. This time of year, it's even worse - because there are lots & lots of panicked profs who think the sky is falling and asking for my help... PLUS I'm struggling to document new software, prepare training materials, schedule training sessions - oh yeah - and dealing with real underlying tech issues.

"Anything to maintain a semblance of sanity" is the whole underlying theme. Including smoking, don't ya know?

What's going on - and has been mostly unconscious - or maybe I should say it took a while to gradually become conscious... is that I'm being put into a position of being responsible for other people's feelings (the prof's panic) and their actions (not paying any attention to instructions, then getting themselves into a pickle). Tuesday is the day I meet with my boss on a weekly basis - and if he's not an N, he's got similar mental health issues to my mom. He creeps me out, isn't competent, and we lie and cover up for him all the time: SAME THING - being the responsible one... being responsible for what isn't my problem... it belongs to someone ELSE...

I have resigned myself to learning how to deal with the triggers in my work environment, as it's the shortest path to retirement with benefits. But I pushed myself over the edge when I stopped smoking...

... emotional triggers - not nicotine craves - are my downfall. And the big one - my current stumbling block - is fixable with a boundary, I think. Making the boundary CLEAR that I'm not responsible... it's not my job... to always be the hero for these people. To worry MORE about my SELF and my quit... to keep trying... not give up... than everyone else... STOP PROTECTING their feelings... their image... period.

And then I have to work on not being afraid of success. THIS is what I discovered today. I was doing JUST FINE on my quit... then I got scared. "The other shoe dropping syndrome" of abused kids. OMG... I was actually doing it! I wasn't smoking and I wasn't non-functional, or an emotional basket case! OMG!! Who was going to come along and ruin it? Who was going to take credit for it? Who was going to put me down for it? This worry combined with the implanted false idea... that I am not able to control my emotions, that I am somehow DOOMED to fail (sabotage)... because of who I am (inherently shameful - AGAIN)....

I realized that I sabotaged myself - to PROTECT my SELF. That I feared success because of the constant emotional battering I took at my mother's hands for ANYTHING I accomplished for myself... for daring to put myself and what I wanted before her needs... so I sabotaged myself to avoid that ego-injury... so that I wouldn't incur her invalidating attention...and abuse.

I smoked - as sabotage - as a pacifier for the emotional needs I dared not express. I smoked to protect HER feelings, her needs... to not make her feel "less than" by comparison... I smoked to throw myself in front of an oncoming train... for HER - and all these people at work...

a.) because I cared, was responsible, knew what & how "to do"...
b.) because I was expected to be responsible (no emotional boundaries) for things that were OUT OF MY CONTROL - like her feelings, her responsibilities... etc.
c.) to hide my own feelings & needs under that veil of smoke... and "make do"... that way.
d.) to always fail, always struggle, always be powerless - but STILL expected to be the hero - so OTHER PEOPLE wouldn't feel bad.

I feel like a real sucker - duped - taken advantage of. I am astounded at myself for participating in this rediculous, absurd cycle. Flabbergasted; Flummoxed.  AMAZED.

And the sad thing is, that smoking was the actual connection between me and Twiggy. It was how I was able to separate her... and listen to her... and get through the emotions and memories of her story until the emotions had worn themselves out. Smoking was how I worked with Twiggy most mornings. And now, it's the last friggin' obstacle to "being like before"...

Hubby quits tomorrow. It's fortunate that I got to this realization... now... so I don't wreck HIS quit... and can get back on my own. But it's still gonna take a lot more work... to deal with all those emotional triggers... separate the smoking from them... separate my work with Twiggy from smoking....

Wish me luck, say a prayer... think kind thoughts. I'm going to need all the help I can get to put myself & my feelings outside of this box I've been in.

[Gaining Strength]

Keep doing it PR.  Each time you work through more and more of this stuff you get closer and closer to freedom.  Never give up.  This past weekend and week have been very successful!  You quit and had three very good days.  Your triggers took over on Tuesday but you quickly discovered what they were.  You have exposed those triggers and in doing so rendered them impotent.  This is the process that I am finding very, very helpful.

I admire you and am so proud of you.  You have given up so much for your mother and subsequently for others.  But you are breaking that chain - link by link.