thanks Axa... I appreciate your compassion and connection on that struggle, expectation, etc... it's something I'm trying to learn to give my SELF... it's an important skill that I need - but never learned. It's a type of multi-tasking that I have to "unlearn".
I've come to the conclusion - after even more "gravel mountain" about smoking - more 1 step forward and 2 steps back - that I've been in LIMBO. (Maybe purgatory, is a better image - 'coz it distinctly feels bad; uncomfortable.) Still chained to the old habits, routines, attitudes of the past - and still trying to mine those old wounds & emotions & memories for some magical "key" to completely set me free. And that's one thing that's getting in the way now. Like a 2-lane road, when you let something go - you have to replace the old stuff with something - not just leave another hole, a void, another emotional need... just hanging, wanting.... that only creates a new emotional need that you end up filling with the "tried & true" - but dysfunctional - methods.
The smoking support sites are very, very quick to try to "fix" someone with affirmations like "never take another puff". They are quick to encourage one to simply press on with a quit, after a slip - but without taking the time, to figure out WHAT and WHY. My slip didn't even allow that; I got angrily defensive immediately. Finally figured out that the only "process" I knew for making change was one of draconian FORCE... and my T had specifically told me not to force a quit, but she didn't explain why - and like the programmed individual I am, I didn't ASK. I don't know how to make a change from a place of COMPASSION. Someone posted - just in the nick of time - that quitting smoking is a PROCESS and that this process is unique, customized to each one of us. That helped me get to today's understanding that I need to have an intentional design, going forward.
How to provide the space within my self - the generosity, if you will - that will allow for failure while trying and learning. The understanding that I have a self-imposed limitation - that shows up as self-sabotage - when I am gaining success: this sabotage was a necessary, ego-survival based camoflauge to keep myself free from more shame or humiliation. It's no longer needed - but I haven't really decided what will REPLACE that...
Now, I can do this for other people - do it in my job, do it many other places. Just never realized that I NEED to do this for myself. Just like setting internal boundaries on my behavior - in my FOO, this wasn't important... the bits I've learned, I've picked up elsewhere... without realizing what it was. This is like an intentional personally chosen value or morality... but it's about behavior. Simple things, like brushing teeth before going to bed. Complex things, like learning that we shouldn't beat ourselves up while learning something new... that we actually learn better, with compassion and understanding when attempting to learn something difficult - or brand-new.
The other thing I've discovered, is that I must set a boundary about people who want to "help". The smoking support sites are counter-productive for me; GO FIGURE. I've made most of my progress from the support I've received here. I actually have a trigger for smoking, that comes from "experts" telling me to do this or that... that it's mind over matter... that I have to continue putting nicotine in my body to be able to quit smoking... what bullshit. I was off 3 days and it didn't bother me, after the 1st 24 hours. And since it triggers the old wound - of having emotional needs ignored in favor of a lot of unnecessary medical attention (my Mother's way of "caring" for me)... it only perpetuates the old cycle, old routines... and I always fall back on the method of "fighting back" by smoking - self-sabotage.
So I'm working on a new plan - to work with Twigs, to connect with myself and meet my inner emotional needs - doing something ELSE than letting my self rehash & relive what can't be changed. It was awful; it was abuse and sexual/physical assault; and it's 40 years too late to anything more than let go of this as a main feature in my life, consciousness, and emotional states. I have to get out of this old rut and do something NEW - something different; something that's outside of that old, uncomfortable, agonizing "comfort zone"... and keep on doing it, until the newly designed comfort zone, habits/routines, inner boundaries FEELS normal for me. But it can't be "faking it until you make it", either. That's another big trigger for me: pretending, lying, more concerned about appearances than reality.
And it can't be FORCED; I need to show myself compassion and allow the space within my own self-respect and process to screw up, make mistakes, procrastinate, feel whatever feelings I have... and keep on going. Gradually changing... and learning that it's SAFE to care about myself... and that it's SAFE to succeed. No one is going to abuse me for success anymore... I already have those boundaries in place.
Baby steps, if necessary.
