Author Topic: PTSD: reintegration of split self  (Read 11502 times)

sKePTiKal

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PTSD: reintegration of split self
« on: July 16, 2008, 12:10:53 PM »
Well, thanks again to tt for pointing me in the right direction on this topic!

It's good news: I am accepting, claiming, owning my unconscious self and all those feelings (formerly known as "Twiggy") as ME. It's a strange feeling and process. It's ongoing... and may be for quite some time.

I got so used to talking about Twiggy as if she were another person - with her own thoughts, memories & feelings - but the inescapable fact is that she is me and I her. Yeah, I even blamed her for starting to smoke and thought that the problem of quitting belonged to her, too. I was WRONG. (see the Obsession vs Self-Acceptance thread).

It's me - the conscious Amber - who is physically addicted; who is using smoking to deny, ignore, not deal with the last bit of emotional processing that is necessary for Twiggy & Amber to finally be just one identity - mentally, emotionally, and psychically - in the same old baggy skin. Smoking was the only way I learned to be comfortable with all emotions - and I mean all of them!

I was taught that my emotions weren't important; that they were dangerous even. I had no reason to believe that they wouldn't just completely overwhelm me and make me as mentally ill as my mother; and I feared this and had no one to tell me otherwise. As intense as my emotions are - I was NEVER in a position where I couldn't function or not be able to think rationally. (Dissociation is another story; but those two experiences got smooshed together; confused for me.)

I have more emotional work to do in this phase.

The unconscious me, is way smarter and more powerful than "me". That's been proven over & over through countless bits of self-sabotage - those emotions; that self that I split off in the trauma-era simply wouldn't be denied or just "go away". When I let my unconscious self make the decision to quit smoking, the relationship between conscious-unconscious (Amber & Twiggy) subtly changed. All of a sudden, I began forgetting cigarettes. I forget to carry my pack - where I left them - even forget to buy them or bring them in the house.

I am aware that withdrawal is going to bring up the usual emotions. I was a bit worried about anger being predominant - but I don't think it will be what I have to finish dealing with. I think it will be grief; powerful, intense, grief... for all the losses that figure into my "story"; for the loss of my coping mechanism (smoking); for all the people that I have to "let go" in this last dash for freedom and self-integration and survival.

I'm working with the BecomeanEx support group. I loved their commercials - of relearning how to do everything without cigarettes; they're hilarious! I really connected those images with my idea of "practicing"... which is close enough to their "separating". One of the steps in all these CBT techniques is clearly defining WHY you want to quit.

Conscious me wants to quit for health reasons; but you know what? For someone who's spent most of her life locked in self-imposed abusive cycles - that's simply not important enough a reason. After all, I'm conditioned to believe that what I want isn't important; I'm used to my need not getting met. It hasn't been enough so far.

So I asked Twiggy why she wants to quit. She wants to be like BEFORE the trauma; before the splitting. Reintegration, in other words. A worthy, powerful want... and what's the only thing standing in the way of reintegration? My conditioned, addicted, non-accepting, coping mechanism for not feeling ALL my emotions, clear & pure, without any kind of "filter": smoking.

That sorta explains my obsession, too, doesn't it? HOPEFULLY, this is the end of the conversation about smoking. I'm hoping to use this thread to talk about the experience of reintegrating, primarily. My Quit Date is Friday - was last Friday, but I had to reschedule a server upgrade last week. And I know I need to not be trying to quit while upgrading a server! I can't predict my mental/emotional state... at least, in the past, this was true.

I get the sneaking suspicion that this time, the quit is going to be completely different than I imagine it from this side of it.
Since I'm going FOCUS on reintegration - not "quitting". Well DUH, right?  :D
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

LilyCat

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2008, 01:55:33 PM »
Wow! You go girl! You're doing great -- on a roll!!

It takes a lot of courage (and smarts) to face up to what you are, and pull it all together. Good for you.

sKePTiKal

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2008, 02:18:41 PM »
OH thanks Lily!

and before someone reminds me that I still have to deal with the addiction - yep; got that covered, too.

I just have to willing to "go where no (wo)man has gone before" emotionally... while I figure out this reintegration... all the while managing the quit to help it along.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Izzy_*now*

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2008, 05:58:48 PM »
Good Luck PR,

Always finding ourselves taking another route? I went back a few times and started over.

Splitting''tee hee." When grandson at 19 came to see me, I talked to him about when he was born to 4½ and there I was talking to him as though the other little boy was totally separate. I called the little boy by name, instead of saying to him, "you" It was really the weirdest sensation.

Something happened--don't remember what but it knocked my 4 cigs a day up tp 6-7. I have to figure this out and get down, gal!

take care
Izzy
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

Gaining Strength

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2008, 07:23:17 PM »
A quick note to acknowledge your work.  I am so amazed and so glad for you.

sKePTiKal

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #5 on: July 17, 2008, 11:24:08 AM »
Some notes about this process.

I am able to observe what's going on - and bring things into my conscious mind - but the actual "doing" of this re-integration is being managed by my unconscious self. This, I'm finding, requires that a lot of times "I" have to "get out of the way" - because "I" am the dysfunctional part of myself... (a lot of my identity, some will remember, was programmed to fulfill a certain "role" and to deny my feelings...)

... My usual "I"dentity is the part with the habits, beliefs, & attitudes that need to change. As I make myself "safe" for unconscious self to BE, that unconscious self is making it's presence known to "me"... as being "ME".

In a nutshell - I've discovered that conscious me was always judging and distancing itself from unconscious me. Unconscious me got me ridiculed, punished, and shunned. She was dangerous - in that old abusive environment - because there were heavy-duty emotions resulting from trauma/brain injury that were simply pushed out of the way and never resolved, allowed to be, or validated. I now believe that it's not possible to completely "stuff" that unconscious self; it kept showing up in self-sabotage - LOOKING FOR ATTENTION AND RECOGNITION - FROM CONSCIOUS SELF. I've denied it "reality" for 40 years. (not a recommended technique; but it did help me survive...)

The judging was B&W thinking based on my mom's predisposition and reality. If a feeling was something she understood, that feeling was "safe"... OK. If it was anything that didn't exist to her: it was dangerous...

My unconscious self wants to be like "I" was before the trauma - integrated with my conscious self. I had "ESP" then - not so much Extrasensory Perception... I had "Emotional Sensory Perception". Maybe that's a survival adaptation to being born to a totally dysfunctional family; maybe it was true nature. My mom pretty much killed that emotional perception for a long time - because almost ANY emotion expressed from me reflected off her own emptiness - her own lack of or refusal to allow - normal emotions. It "hurt" her, you know?

And I was always a good girl - caring - caretaking so I did my best not to "hurt" her and have to endure her awful rages at me... or worse those maliciously evil silences - more abandonment/shunning.

That was the jaws of the trap... how I stayed "split" for so long... if I'd been able to be with normal people in 1969/70... I probably would've healed just fine over some months. But I lost all the adults who were helpful and validating of my "ESP"... that was Twiggy's/My biggest loss in that time-frame.

Through this re-integration process,the "ESP" is coming back - being set free...
I guess I should stop analyzing it now... and simply ENJOY it. Let it BE.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

LilyCat

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #6 on: July 17, 2008, 12:25:27 PM »
Amber, here's a link to an article that might help with the non-smoking.

http://www.clinicalpsychiatrynews.com/article/S0270-6644(08)70410-7/fulltext

You may have to register on the site to read it, but there's no cost and it's well worth it.

There was an article in theJuly issue that also might help, but it's not online yet.


I find your re-integration journey so interesting. It sounds like you're making a lot of progress. I resonate when you talk about not being allowed to have feelings, but your experience sounds so much worse.

Keep going!

sKePTiKal

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2008, 10:04:12 AM »
Iz:

it's not so much "other routes" - it's just that there is a LOT of stuff involved... and it ALL matters. Everything I've learned about smoking and how it relates to Twiggy/me... and WHY I smoke and have such a hard time getting started on a quit... all that stuff is the crushed gravel, tar & white/yellow stripes of getting there.

I'm getting closer to seeing something totally monumental today... about just what I'm letting go... and knowing that I CAN trust my unconscious self... and that the "problem" of smoking doesn't belong my unconscious self - she remembers what it's like to not smoke and she WANTS that (the obsession with quitting) - no, the addiction and emotional NEED to smoke belongs to what I usually call "me". That's what I'm untangling now..... trying to let that go... and give over control of the process to my unconscious self.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2008, 10:16:03 AM »
Quote
The judging was B&W thinking based on my mom's predisposition and reality. If a feeling was something she understood, that feeling was "safe"... OK. If it was anything that didn't exist to her: it was dangerous...

Yes. Well said.

Amber, I don't understand the re-integration process very well,  and often feel like I'm many steps behind, but just wanted to let you know that I'm still reading and wishing you the best.

Love,
Carolyn


sKePTiKal

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2008, 11:30:00 AM »
Thanks Carolyn! I'm really needing to feel connected to people right now.

Today, I can see that it was a useful, good thing for me to think about my unconscious self - that blocked part of my memory & emotions - as a separate person; give her a name... at that point in the process. Because it is me - my normal conscious self - that was terrified/paralyzed by the content of those memories and the emotions that went with them; it was me that blocked them from consciousness in response to encouragement and coercion - nobody else could've done this to me, without "conscious self's" participation.

I first had to identify the memories... feel the emotions that came with those memories (basically, I relived events... complete with body memories) and get to know them. I needed knowledge of what had happened... from that block time in my life.

I was getting familiar with and comfortable with that block of time... a chunk of me... getting used to the whole idea of the trauma, the aftermath, and seeing how dysfunctional my FOO was... how MI my mother really is.... getting used to this whole side of ME that I didn't even know about for over 30 years. It's taken some years to do this. I was absorbing that this was REAL and really happened to me... despite what my mother told me at the time.

And in the process, I learned how to listen for the voice of my unconscious self... to feel those feelings... still as an "other". Still not just ME... not whole; one person. And maybe it's time to simply think about it a different way... not as other... as me. After all - MY nickname when I was 12 was Twiggy. Those are MY memories... and those were MY feelings... it was ME that got shunned, too.

I don't have to hide "me" or Twiggy.

I don't have to have 100%, 24/7 CONTROL over Twiggy... anymore than I need to do that with my conscious self. Those kinds of rules - that kind of control - are only needed in abusive situations.

I don't have to deny anything that Twiggy felt, I don't have to deny the facts of my experience, I don't have to be ashamed of or afraid of Twiggy... that time in my life and who I was then....

because the person who abused me for it at the time, can't do that anymore.
Because there never was anything "wrong" with me - when I was Twiggy - or now.

So, today I think I'll just STOP thinking and talking about Twiggy as if she was someone OTHER... as if she isn't ME. She IS ME... her thoughts & ideas are mine; her feelings are mine.

That's reintegration.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Gaining Strength

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2008, 10:58:07 PM »
I'm coming to this late but I want to make some comments. I'm going to start a little at a time and just keep adding to is as I read one post at a time.

When I read this: I am aware that withdrawal is going to bring up the usual emotions. I was a bit worried about anger being predominant - but I don't think it will be what I have to finish dealing with. I think it will be grief; powerful, intense, grief... for all the losses that figure into my "story"; for the loss of my coping mechanism (smoking); for all the people that I have to "let go" in this last dash for freedom and self-integration and survival.

I wanted to say that you can do it.  Don't be afraid of the feelings - easy for me to say.  I am learning that I can re-experience the extraordinarily powerful feelings.  They do take me down and they do last a day and maybe two but then they re-integrate and their power and the loss from repression is GONE.  I had no idea how much I was losing to the repression, much worse than the pain that emerges.

Unconscious me got me ridiculed, punished, and shunned. She was dangerous - in that old abusive environment - because there were heavy-duty emotions resulting from trauma/brain injury that were simply pushed out of the way and never resolved, allowed to be, or validated.

I am feeling really connected to what you have written.  Because the unconscious you got abused you have repressed her.  That is exactly what I am seeing in me.  But that person I had to repress was the real me and she was not deserving of the abuse.  I always thought she did deserve it because she was not the person she needed to be and was so frustrated trying to get to be that person.  But that was the little girl - not me.  Now I see that the ME is actually a great person and can do all the things that I can't do.  So I am going to let her come back - slowly allowing her pain to come up so I can feel it instead of repress her.
« Last Edit: July 20, 2008, 11:05:18 PM by Shame Slayer »

sKePTiKal

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2008, 10:03:53 AM »
SS:

Yes, the emotions come up and with a vengeance... not always at a time when I can devote time to addressing them. Sometimes, I have to simply keep on going - despite how I'm feeling. Sometimes, I see my self-defeating routines/habits so clearly getting in the way of expressing what I'm feeling... feeling what I'm feeling... and asking to have to my needs met. There are plenty of people around me trying to meet my emotional needs - if I'd only let them.

Quote
I always thought she did deserve it because she was not the person she needed to be and was so frustrated trying to get to be that person.

That might be part of my problem. Thank you.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Gaining Strength

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #12 on: July 21, 2008, 10:54:05 AM »
I am in your corner on this Phoenix.

Sometimes, I see my self-defeating routines/habits so clearly getting in the way of expressing what I'm feeling... feeling what I'm feeling... and asking to have to my needs met.

I get it.  Today I am going to tackle some of my mess.  It is more difficult than you could ever imagine.  I am delaying.  I popped out of bed without fear of facing it.  That is huge but I have been delaying, delaying, delaying.  Apparently there is more fear than I realized.  As I face this I am going to hold that child's image in my mind and be there for her, encouraging her and comforting her.  She is so much more wounded than I ever understood.  She had no comfort and needed so much.  I know you are working to reintegrate Twiggy but you may find that it may help in doing that by holding her, comforting her and encouraging her.  Don't criticize yourself when you get caught in these self-defeating routines/habits.  Comfort and encourage yourself.  Have compassion for that part of you that is stuck. 

I may be writing more to myself than to you about all of this but the message is coming clear to me.  If what I write does not apply to you just ignore it.  I'll let you know how it works for me today.

Love and encouragement to you PR.

sKePTiKal

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2008, 11:37:08 AM »
It's not much that I am working to reintegrate Twiggy.

My role is to get out of the way; to let go of control over the process and simply trust my unconscious self. To learn to simply BE ME.
The control of reintegration resides in my unconscious self - I can either hinder this process, make it more difficult by maintaining my dysfuctional habits, routines, and abuse-mentality beliefs....

or I can get out of the way. Let it happen.

It will be all right; nothing bad will happen.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Gaining Strength

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Re: PTSD: reintegration of split self
« Reply #14 on: July 22, 2008, 01:15:20 PM »
I think I understand what you mean by that.  But I wonder how you do that?