Revenge of the Ns

[ch]

Hi Moonflower,

I liked what you wrote above. You are such a nice person!!  
You really believe in the curse?  I don't mean the verbal kind.
Do you believe in telepathy?
Its an interesting topic.

Did you find that getting angry will stop you from feeling bad and  falling into the old trap?  Sometimes, i think the anger really helps in this way, not that we are going around carrying or spreading anger around.  Its very self-contained and manageable.  We can laugh with friends one minute , then get really mad thinking about the Nperson , then back to laughing with friends again......

[Anonymous]

My personal theory is that N is somewhat genetic.  I read a research article that hit the newspapers earlier this year that seemed to suggest that empathy fires up a certain part of the brain and some people (guess who?) don't light up their lives during the MRI.  The empathy    bulb is dark.  

My T, however, insists that N is due to trauma during the first three years of life.  (I wonder if being born second counts as narcissistic trauma; many Ns I know are #2 in birth order.) Maybe it's a combination of some psychosis or disorder that pre-exists which leads to rejection and resultant Narcissism.  I have two siblings and only one of us is N and we all faced the same rejection that Nsibling did.  So go figure.

I think if the parents are Ns, they can't role-model empathy. Empathy is something that gets internalized/learned from parents. A sibling may find another adult from whom to internalize empathy. However, the N sibling never manages to do this. They may identify far more with the N parent for various reasons. Siblings, even with the same upbringing, have different internal responses to the situation. They have different genetic temperaments. And they receive different projections from the parents. One sibling may be unconsciously used by mom as "the bad parts of mom garbage bin" while another one is used as "the mirror of how great mom is." And another sib may be "the lost parts of mom that get ignored." That's how sibs turn out differently.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Many truths are in this thread.  I did not know to hide my contentness and the happiness that I was experiencing in my life.  I wanted to share it and I became the object of my n family member's revenge mostly due to that sharing.  In some ways I'm still feeling "destroyed" and then I feel angry (which maybe you are right Moonflower, maybe that anger protects us a bit sometimes).  Because of the power my n family member holds, I am still quite afraid of a repeat of that revenge.  I feel trapped by that power which cannot be taken away.   Then I think of how pathetic a state a person has to be in to exact such revenge and behave so cruelly and all I know to do is feel pity for such a sick person.  This revolving circle of conflicting emotions comes and goes and gets confusing.  Some days, I'm just as happy as I was before all of this and other days I feel the weight of being beaten and discarded and left to rot.

It was revenge that was used to push me off that emotional cliff and my only hope now is to learn how to rock climb and have faith that I will come out at a different point from which my grip will take a better hold.  It's a painful process for me and a long one.

[switzerland]

Hi guest,

Really, don't beat yourself up about it.  You are normal and good for wanting to share your wealth of happiness.  Who could blame you?  Its the greatest gift of life.  

Now you have to feel the pain of betrayal, process all the feelings, and move on from there.  Don't forget to forgive yourself (and not necessarily the n person), let go of your pain, laugh about it as that always helps, share your experience as you are already doing here (thanks!), and be grateful that you have put an end to the wrath.

The "revolving cycle of conflicting emotion" you mentioned is stifling.  I am still feeling it too.

BTW, that was me, ch, who made the initial post, before i made an official name change today.

[Moonflower]

....

[Anonymous]

Hi switzerland:

Thankyou for saying I am good and normal for wanting to share.  You are so right that I am feeling the pain of betrayal and grieving.  I have laughed a little about some stuff.  Here's a true story:

Right in the centre of the most traumatic events imaginable, I received a phone call from a relative, (whom I had no idea exhisted), who stated:

"You have an uncle that died and left you some money.  I've been trying to get in touch with you for 3 years but your father wouldn't give me your phone number.  You have an inheritance that I would like to arrange to be sent to you".

My response:

"I'm sorry ________________, I can't inherit money right now.
Could you call me back in a month?"




That relative must have thought I was a complete wing nut but she also senced something was terribly wrong.  She kept calling me back and offering support and has since become a really wonderful friend.  I have often laughed, thinking about how ridiculous my response to her was.

Every cloud does have a silver lining.

Thankyou for your support and reminders that I must forgive myself and be thankful for putting somewhat of an end to the wrath (although I must say, to a certain extent, the wrath continues.  There is just some stuff I have no way of putting an end to.  I do hope for the future though).

I'm going to put your wise words on my fridge:

The "revolving cycle of conflicting emotion" you mentioned is stifling.

Maybe if I read this often enough, it will sink in, and I will stop allowing myself to go in circles, with no good coming from it, and feeling so lost.

Hey Moonflower:

I think in our cases, anger is not a bad thing. And like you said, it will help us avoid the same old traps.

I agree with you for the most part, as long as anger does not become the driving force behind our every day lives.  In that case, it will make us into that which we are trying to escape becoming: like the n's in our lives.

Maybe we only need a good dose of anger when dangerous situations occur and threaten to allow our n's to cause damage?   Maybe we need a bit of anger now and then, as you say, "to avoid the same old traps".    I can live with that much, but I don't want so much that it emulates like a cold aura.

My mother used to say:  "Too much of anything is no good".

She was a lot smarter than I ever gave her credit for.

s[/quote]

[Anonymous]

I give up trying to use the quote thingy.

s