Healing - using compassion

[gjazz]

This IS life changing, SS.

I have a basement story. I put everything down there and left it.  Could NOT go down there, could not face it.  Then: a flood.  And I lay above it thinking, oh well.  Furniture, antiques, paintings, all my own stuff and my brothers', from school.  Didn't care.  Then I heard my cat crying.  WHY he was down there and refusing to come up, I don't know.  But I went down, around midnight.  Started bailing.  Bucket by bucket, up the stairs, out into the dark.  Finally set up a table that was already down there, brought down some cheese and crackers, found a bottle of champagne, opened it (the wine was stored down there).  All night, I bailed, the kitty sat in the other chair, and we ate Brie and Trisquits.

Meaning? probably nothing.  But it's the small things, sometimes, looking back, I remember.

[sKePTiKal]

I think the compassion needs to be parental - the kind of thing we would feel for our own children. The explanations, the things we tell ourselves, the forgiveness for small accidents... and the guidance, to take a deep breath and continue to try again and understanding that "our best" isn't always absolute perfection... that we're human: we tire, we need play as well as work, we get hungry and even though chocolate cake sounds a lot better than broccoli... the broccoli will make us healthier, stronger, more balanced.

... and there is absolutely no reason for us to feel to humiliated because our parents weren't parents at all. It doesn't diminish our importance or worth as human beings because those OTHER people had zippo capacity to be human beings. The way we were continuously and repetitively treated is more about their own lack - than because we "deserved" it or because it was "for our own good".

Living well is the best revenge - and the only person's approval I need for what "living well" consists of - is my SELF. I can no longer be tortured by my mother. I no longer need to be triggered by situations or people that remind me of her... I no longer need to feel humilation for setting emotional and behavioral boundaries for my self... for asking for what I need...

I no longer wish that I could die rather than bear the total, complete misery of humilation (that I was MADE to feel) for being my own damn self with very bad people as parents.... because I FINALLY ACCEPT that it isn't and WASN'T my fault they were/are that way.

[gjazz]

Right--my NF humiliated constantly.  It's really the only sort of relationship I can remember having with him as a child: not sure exactly what form the attack would take, only that I'd come out of any interaction hating myself.  What's bizarre is that once it stopped working on his now-adult children, he started with strangers.  He attacks unsuspecting, clearly vulnerable people--esp. those who can't fight back.  Classics, like waiters, bank tellers...recently he made an older woman (another customer) at the meat counter cry.  It's pathetic, really.   But I agree with PR, living well is the best revenge.  That and finally being immune to the N's manipulation.

[sKePTiKal]

And if immunity takes a little longer, gjazz... there's always NC.

SS: how are things today? How are you feeling? I'm feeling like a total raw nerve today... as if, if anyone asks me something, I'll just break down in tears. But ALSO... like I'm finally able to stop all the self-abuse that's been layered onto me like icing on a cake... that I finally HAVE that essential emotional boundary that I can't be told by anyone what I really feel... or should feel... or who I really am. And this teetering on the brink of total emotion is perfectly OK, now - because of that boundary.

I no longer want to keep smoking... or eating a whole bag of chips & can of dip... I no longer wish to inflict on myself the old self-talk, self-abuse that kept me just where my mother wanted me... because I know that's how I remained trapped in the same old cycle of self-sabotage and abuse...

... and I didn't deserve ANY of it - any more than you did. Each small thing you do for yourself and what you've chosen MATTERS, no matter how you do it - how long it's been waiting to be done - no matter who sees; who knows. Remember - it's not whether you can draw well or not - it's whether it's FUN and you ultimately feel good for accomplishing it. Don't forget to reward yourself! Praise yourself for completed tasks!

Positive reinforcement will help those old feelings from coming back next time. You might have to "repeat as needed" for a while - but it will become a habit quicker than it seems right now. And btw - you're not at all alone in the process - I'm walking my own uphill path with sort of the same thing, right now. We can compare notes when you get a break!

[gjazz]

I used NC for many months.  Rather, all communication was required to be in writing.  As he was unwilling to be held to his words, NC resulted.

[lupine]

Meaning? probably nothing.  But it's the small things, sometimes, looking back, I remember.

Meaning!!....Like this is huge (at least for me)...the cat drew you back down.  The cat is living and alive and stuck.  I have a basement something like what you describe.   I think I'm going to rename it "the dungeon of what might have been".   Of course, what might have been is what all attics and basements are all about but they are appropriate during certain parts of life when they are useful....maybe when the grandkids are skulking about....I have fond memories of going through friend's attics and discovering treasures and applying my own meaning to them......it gives me freedom to hang on to things now...I don't have the courage to give up what might have been.  But that's OK.  Thank God I have a basement! 

I've picked up on only one message and have not read the entire thread so please know that I am only responding to "the basement" portion of the thread.  If my cat or dog or any living thing was stuck down there, I would catapult the entirety to retrieve the living.  That's where I'm at and I think you also. 

Anyway, this is the second reply I have posted tonight.  It's very hot and humid and I am worried about appearing too talky...we're not used to hot and humid....it's sort of like  when the weather changes, do we? 



Take care....

[Gaining Strength]

What's bizarre is that once it stopped working on his now-adult children, he started with strangers.  He attacks unsuspecting, clearly vulnerable people--esp. those who can't fight back.  Classics, like waiters, bank tellers...recently he made an older woman (another customer) at the meat counter cry.

OMG gjazz, my Nfather does that too!!!!  It is astonishing.  If one of us steps in for some reason or other it is like a vortex and suddenly we are sucked in.

[gjazz]

Lupine:

Yes--well--I have five cats here in CA, ALL because my neighbor (a psychiatric nurse, make of that what you will) sold her house and moved and left them to their own devices.  She was an animal hoarder.  So, now I have five, but have found homes for twenty more.  Mine are the "lost boys," the ones the shelter said they would kill and nobody would take.  I was worried in the early days because I was single, no kids, no near relatives--but my mom stepped in when I had work and had to travel.  And my kitties are AWESOME little animals.  They've survived eye surgeries, casts, countless rounds of antibiotics....I moved from a very antiseptic NYC life to this.  BUT the basement story here took place less than a month after I'd moved here.  Cold, alone, and not knowing who this little cat belong to, I took him in during a storm.  And he took me to the basement.  I'm an editor and writer and to this day, ten years later, he sits right next to me while I work.

[lupine]

I became involved in animal rescue in Northern California....with a great agency and when I moved, the ones I had left went with me.  Psychiatric nurse?!  Well I guess the lowest common denominator of all of us is if we can carry through and if we can sustain what we first started out to do.  I'm glad you were there. 

I have a couple of dogs who are missing their front legs.  They live in fairly close quarters with 4 others who have all their abilities.  Guess who rules the roost and it ain't me and it ain't the fully capable other four    The truly intelligent learn to compensate... 

Anyway, the basement got to me....it reminded me of my father who was rather distant and judgemental but there came a time when the cat could not be found but could be heard to meow seemingly from behind a wall.  And, my father tore apart that wall in the bathroom to find the cat who, of course, re-appeared from the adjacent closet in which he chose to hide....and my father rebuilt the wall and the cat returned to normal life.  And my father never mentioned it....I learned something of my father's values from this which he could not articulate to me but his actions taught me a lot. 

[gjazz]

We're both in Northern CA then--but as for your father, is it possible that for whatever reason it wasn't his values so much as where he felt safe in terms of showing affection?  I often wonder about that with my NF.  I.e. his own upbringing was so corrupted that he feels safer, now, at nearly 70, with his dogs than he ever did with his kids or wives. And I can't fault him for THAT (though I fault him for much), as I feel safer with animals, too, and I sense that his upbringing was pretty...how shall I say?...demanding in one way, very coddling in another.  All in all destructive, whatever the specifics.

[Gaining Strength]

I am pushing things today.  making an effort to push through the pain - doing so in fits and starts.  Repeatedly drawn here.  Trying to logoff so I can get more done.  Put computer down and immediately pick it up.  WHY????  Because the need to connect is SO great.  And then I see - the isolation - not physical but emotional isolation - was so great as a child that it plays a HUGE role in shutting me down.  I have known for YEARS that when another person is simply present then I am able to accomplish tasks that I have been shut out of for days, months or years.  They don't have to help - just be present.  That hole is so big it could swallow up my entire house.  It is a gaping sink hole threatening the neighborhood.  The utter emptiness and pain.

The other side of that coin - is that being with people in this emotional issue is psychologically stuck on being withfamily and they are going to destroy me.  So it is a razor's edge of being isolated or humiliated.  That is where I got stuck as a child - that is where I am stuck right now!! between isolation or humiliation - the only options - I am frozen.  Now I see.  What to do.  This happened pre-consciousness, pre-LG.  LG is in a coma and cannot function but her mind is keen and can see so much.

This is very painful.

[sKePTiKal]

Sometimes "family" is decided by choice - not birth. I've always been a fan of Kurt Vonnegut's idea of a "karass" (sp?).

Here's the definition from wikipedia:

karass - a group of people who, often unknowingly, are working together to do God's will. The people can be thought of as fingers in a Cat's Cradle

Every now & then, their paths cross...

The definition of the word family usually includes the concepts of caring for and validating each other. In that respect, my biological parents and my brother weren't really my "family"... I've collected family in other places throughout my life.

[cats paw]

Hi SS,

  I just logged back on, too.  

  How can we get unstuck, right here, right now?  Is there a task you would like to do right now ?  A small one ?  I have one that will take about ten minutes.  Would you like to go do one, too, and then we'll come back to this thread ?  No pressure, just an idea.

cats paw

[Gaining Strength]

Wow!! What a great idea.  I had my son bring up his car seat b/c head had ground in pink silly putty that is all over every pair of pants he has worn for the past 2 days.  He and I are going to see if we can clean that up.  I'll be back when it is done.  Thanks so much.

[Gaining Strength]

Did it.  Thanks - your suggestion helped me focus - 1 thing - just the way Hops suggested to me 2 years ago.  Wonder how and if I can apply it? 

What about you Cat's Paw?