Healing - using compassion

[cats paw]

Sorry it took so long.  My first reply wouldn't post.

  I felt moved by what you wrote about isolation/need to connect/ family - and about another person being present.  I wanted to be present for you in some small way.

Cleaning the silly putty was a good choice.  It'll save you further work.  Well, that is until the next time your son gets into something that needs scraping before laundering!  Maybe next time, (and with kids, there will be a next time!) can you call upon this memory as one of your anchors?  You mentioned something about feelings and the stage of adolescence? (Was it on Amber's thread?)  We teens need our peers to do things with, and that is often a good motivator rather than "authority".

My task is complete, and I've made some plans for early AM tomorrow.  I'm combining a task with pleasure. 

Glad you were able to focus.  Here's to us keeping it up, and acquiring new habits.

cats paw

[Hopalong]

I am absolutely stunned by this thread.
SS for your bravery and everyone else here for your sense, your presentness, your compassion, your leaps of understanding and equally brave stories.

I lived with what would amount to hazing but it was too much for a little child and there was no reprieve

Oh, SS. This line told me everything.

I am so so so proud of you. Not condescending ownership proud...I read once that saying "proud of you" was verboten since it took away a person's agency. But I say it anyway. Meaning, I think, proud FOR you.

I would be proud of you this very second standing beside you in ANY room of your house regarding ANY amount of clutter or dirt. I would be not one iota less proud if every sense showed me the complete shape of your mountain.

I am also admiring the little bulldozer you have acquired. I hear it growl happily to life when you let it move. I see it going to the next square foot. It is absolutely not worried about its task or how long it till take. It likes chomping, so it's just going to be chomping. It's a happy little bulldozer. Any time you let it go, it'll chomp.

WAY TO GO, girl.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Cat's Paw...

thanks so much for this observation! We teens need our peers to do things with, and that is often a good motivator rather than "authority".

I'm so glad you pointed this out! One of the things I was denied, was association with my peers during/after the whole trauma episode. Instead, once I was allowed out of isolation, I was encouraged to spend time with older girls & boys - who were 16-17 to my 12-13. As any mom knows (but mine didn't)... that isn't ever a good situation to throw a kid into. They are expected to "fit in" at a level beyond their maturity. I guess my mom thought they'd be good free babysitter substitutes. And I was still in the midst of dissociation and the aftermath of so much horrible stuff... and these older kids didn't want to get caught with a younger kid. I was EXPECTED to act like them, if I was going to be with them... hence: smoking. Not the big revelation about smoking - but an important environmental aspect - to decisions that an innocent, confused, injured, emotionally abandoned teen made.

SS: I'm working as if my life depended on it this week (when you've smoked for 40 yrs, I guess it does)... and making more headway & gaining more traction than ever. Something came up this morning, that I thought I'd share - it might give you some more insight; it might not apply to you - but it's still worth sharing.

The gravest, most unfair deed my mother committed against me was denying me the opportunity to mother my SELF. I'd pretty much seen that I couldn't expect much from HER... in fact, the mystery of why she let me smoke and actually encouraged me to hang out with these older girls - who smoked - was that it acted like a pacifier for an unconsolably crying baby. It got me to go away and leave her alone; it numbed those feelings I had and pushed them away; it stopped me from ASKING to have my needs met. I'll bet humiliation was directed at you to stop you from asking, expecting to have your emotional needs met from your mother... and to keep you a "dumping ground" for your Dad's cruelty... maybe. Just an idea.

But, my point here... is that I attempted to mother myself when I was Twiggy. I attempted to console and comfort myself by clinging to a baby doll that I'd had since I was very, very small. At 12, I was still sleeping with the doll. As part of my mom's gaslighting about the abortion, the doll was taken away. I never knew where... and when I asked for it, was simply told it was "gone" and I was too old to need to sleep with a doll. And of course, I persisted in trying to allow my memories and emotions to exist... to play themselves out... to make some sense... so that I could understand what happened to myself: and validate my self and comfort myself. This was forcibly taken away from me; I was STOPPED from doing this, by the "doctor" who convinced me to "put Twiggy away"... followed by my mother's unconscionable period of shunning me, until I'd accomplished this act of violence against my self.

Eventually, the doll returned to me. I kept it and all the clothes in a trunk. When Ex #2 and I were off-loading a lot of material possessions to be able to fit what we owned into the small house that we were building - he insisted that I throw the doll away; take it to the dump with a lot of other stuff my mother insisted on sending me. I pleaded, that it took up very little space, it stayed in this trunk that was my Grandmas... I wanted to keep it. He refused and insisted; again... I had no choice. I'm sure the dump workers wondered at the tears streaming down my face... and I didn't speak to Ex#2 for a couple of days. I still have the clothes - handmade by my mom & grandma. But, I'm starting to let some of that stuff go now... absolutely no point in keeping it any longer. But not those clothes. They'll go to my youngest daughter. And I'll make sure she understands the symbolism... there is a LOT attached to those clothes; more than I've even described here.

We are no longer prohibited from mothering ourselves. We are free to lavish comfort, encouragement, validation, wisdom and guidance on our LG's... no one can stop us or force us NOT to, anymore... your courage in facing down those automatic emotional reactions to simple tasks is mothering yourself... it's standing beside your self and providing the support you need. Company is good, to start the process.... sometimes we need the actual experience of compassion, validation, and understanding - sheer companionship even - to see that what we're attempting IS possible... nothing "bad" will happen...

[Gaining Strength]

I'll bet humiliation was directed at you to stop you from asking, expecting to have your emotional needs met from your mother... You are absolutely right about this!

Phoenix Rising - the story about your doll being taken away when you were an adolescent and then again by your ex#2 is unbelieveable!!!!  It is SO painful.  To read about your longing and your desire and your need being denied in two very different experiences and for two very different reasons is so horrendous.

I actually see what your ex#2 did as even more horrendous and invalidating (not strong enough a word) experience.  Let me explain.  Your mother could not "bear" the pain/problem of what to do about your experience and so she dumped it on you and shut the door and abandoned you yet again to be abused/raped psychologically.  This abuse/rape was in her ability to prevent and it was her obligation.  In terms of what you experienced, it does not matter if she was "able" or not to care for you at that time - she, as your mother was obligated to love and tend you with utmost compassion and care and she did not.  She pushed you under the rug so she did not have to experience the pain.  I can see that she might have thought that taking the doll would prevent you from "dwelling" on the abortion, the rape, the pain, the loss, and everything associated with that violation.  In terms of your pain and your loss and your need for comfort, her motive is immaterial.  You needed her and she refused so you needed your doll which had comforted you as a young child and she took that away, leaving you comfortless and in horrible pain and then allowed you to move out of the childlike phase where mothers are omnipresent - forcing you into an adolescent period where you are less dependant on her and less needy of her.  She did not want to have the responsibility of nurturing your broken spirit but she owed it to you.

But ex#2 simply took your doll away out of utter cruelty and as a means to punish you.  You kept the doll in the trunk - the trunk took up the same amount of space whether the doll was in it or not.  He forced you to abandon that doll out of pure unadulterated cruelty as a means of hurting you. That is evil and there is no mistaking or entangling that with any kind of confusion about misguided or excused concept of "doing the best thing for you."  But it is even more heinous because of the pain and loss alrady attached to your doll.  I can't even wrap my own mind around it.  It hurts.  I am sorry.  I can hardly think about it - it is all too much.  My heart is with you.  Thanks for sharing.

[Gaining Strength]

Wow TT - that is absolutelly incredible!!!  I get it.  I get the whole concept of being compassionate towards that wounded soul who is yourself.  How astonishing. 

It really doesn't matter "why" to me but it stilll strikes me as odd that it takes seeing myself as two people to do this - one as the observer and one as the child needing compassion.  Who cares.  The point is that providing that necessary compassion.  I get it.

Thank you for sharing TT.  This has become an incredible thread - so deep and so healing - beyond words

[teartracks]

Hi SS,

Wow TT - that is absolutelly incredible!!!  I get it.  I get the whole concept of being compassionate towards that wounded soul who is yourself.  How astonishing. 

It really doesn't matter "why" to me but it stilll strikes me as odd that it takes seeing myself as two people to do this - one as the observer and one as the child needing compassion.  Who cares.  The point is that providing that necessary compassion.  I get it.

Thank you for sharing TT.  This has become an incredible thread - so deep and so healing - beyond words

Yes, this is a very good and timely thread. 

It was interesting to me that Maria Shriver was on the Oprah show today.  I wrote to you about making a promise, as if a covenant to myself.  Maria spoke of making pledges to herself.  She encouraged others to make self pledges.  I had already posted to your thread, but hearing her say basically the same thing with different words made me believe that I was on the right track with what I wrote to you.  Apparently Maria had her own emotional shakedown after leaving TV and now has written a little book. 

Excerpt from, "Just Who Will You Be?" By Maria Shriver

Not too long ago, I came up with a list of Ten Things I Pledge to Myself, in order to keep myself focused and centered on just who I want to be. I introduced this Pledge at the California Governor and First Lady's 2007 Conference on Women, in Long Beach, California. I'm sharing it with you with the hope you may enjoy coming up with your own pledge to yourself. But please write it in pencil—because just like you, it's bound to change.

And remember: Enjoy the ride!

My Pledge by Maria Shriver:

1. I pledge to "show up" in my life as myself, not as an imitation of anyone else.


2. I pledge to avoid using the word "just" to describe myself. For example, I won't say, "I'm just a mother," "I'm just a student" or "I'm just an ordinary person."


3. I pledge to give myself ten minutes of silence and stillness every day to get in touch with my heart and hear my own voice.


4. I pledge to use my voice to connect my dreams to my actions.


5. I pledge to use my voice to empower myself and others.


6. I pledge to serve my community at least once a year in a way that will benefit other people.


7. I pledge to ask myself, "Who am I? What do I believe in? What am I grateful for? What do I want my life to stand for?"


8. I pledge to sit down and write my own mission statement.


9. I pledge to live my own legacy.


10. And I pledge to pass it on.


tt

[Gaining Strength]

Teartracks - I saw that Oprah and found what Maria had to say very honest and forthright.  It was such an extraordinary moment of seeing someone who has really come to terms with her  own life in a very honest way.  It was very interesting to have a glimpse into her transformation. 

[Gaining Strength]

Dream - I had a dream last night that was a true blessing.  It demonstrated a significant breakthrough. 

I was highschool age and with a group of friends.  We were going to get together with a group of guys and were travelling by train.  Before we left we had to collect all of our schoolwork.  There were a number of sheets that were laid out to be collected.  At first I began to panic because I thought I was too late to learn the material, then a straight A friend came by and collected hers and I knew that I was doing OK. 

While we were off getting ready for the trip I ran into a guy I was casually dating.  I was on the sidewalk and he was in a small boat.  He was angry that I was going on the trip and in a flash I knew that I would be ending our dating relationship because we were clearly in different places about our relationship.

Once I was on the train I was learning the lay out.  Our clothes and our makeup and our jewelry were all in different cars.  There was a very specific order to getting prepared for our arrival at our destination.  Suddenly I had to go to the bathroom and found my way to the bathroom car.  There was a group of girls I didn't know in the foyer and I pushed my way gthrough to another room where some of the teachers were.  There were toilets there but they were exposed to the open area. I felt the shame and exposure course through my body when someone pointed to a door behind me where there was a private bathroom.

When I finished, I went back to my seat and there was able to settle in to study with a couple of others.  I was deeply engrossed in my school work but felt completely connected to the group as a whole and looking forward to our evening.


Sounds sort of boring when I write it out but these are the significant part.  When I was a teenager, if a guy payed attention to me I felt locked in to doing what ever they expected of me.  I would have never had the self-awareness to give up a trip, much less a relationship.  I see this dream as indicating that I have come into my own.  The next part is that I was completely comfortable with my studies and there was only a brief moment of panic and fear of inadequacy.  My entire life I have had dreams about being unprepared for academics but that was a reflection of my actual life in which I was completely bound from being able to accomplish the work that interested me.  As an adult I was diagnosed with ADD and that was an explanation but in the past year or so I realize that it has far more to do with the severe condemnation I lived with growing up.  But in this dream that entire block was broken. The third significant aspect to this dream is the bathroom scene.  For years and years and years I have had repetitive dreams about having to go to the bathroom and being in public and not being able to shut a door, not being able to have privacy.  The implications are obvious ones of shame and humiliation.  But in this dream when I fear that I am once again going to be exposed and shamed things suddenly and unexpectedly shift and I have complete privacy.  The fourth aspect is that I am able to direct my attention to my scholastic interests.  My entire life has been one of panic, anxiety and distractability - unable to finish the things I longed to accomplish, shrouded in shame and self hatred.  None of that was in this dream - just the opposite.  It was filled with resolution for all of the issues that have plagued me my entire life.

I thought when I woke up that I would be able to pop up and get to work.  Not so but I could see that there is a secondary fear - the fear of what I have experienced for so many years, a fear of humiliation - not the shame itself but a fear of the shaming.  But I recognize that I will be able to break this fear much more easily than I have broken any other darkness.

Simultaneously I have created in my mind a small group of three who are kind and compassionate and caring.  I turn to them when fear and dark condemning thoughts or feelings emerge and they help me through it.  I am going to concentrate on feeling their comfort and encouragement and use that to destroy this layer of fear.

[sKePTiKal]

SS: I hope you yourself are part of the group of 3...

I have learned something important from your thread here. That is, the MOST important help, compassion, patience, wisdom & caring comes from our very own selves. With this kind of help, we can set an inner boundary with ourselves to turn toward healthy habits and can provide ourselves with ample encouragement, praise, rewards, comfort and peace, even in the face of old coping strategies, reflex emotions, and conditioned patterns - habits & routines.

Turning toward the positive requires a letting go of the old, too - that 2-lane road analogy I've used before. Letting go requires that we cease & desist from picking at the old wounds constantly. Of being totally focussed on those wounds; those feelings. Only we can let those old things go; only we can deprive those old feelings of "energy" and "attention". If we don't draw a line at some point - those old feelings will continue to steal time & energy... and we will remain locked in them. Admittedly - this may take some time put into practice... repetition.

Sometimes we will be challenged, seemingly beyond our ability to anything except fall back into old, self-defeating patterns - and it helps to solicit the support and encouragement of others at those times. Because what we are "growing" is our own ability to do this for ourselves... and that doesn't happen overnight. But we CAN take the energy that we've spent so lavishly on understanding and analyzing and healing the past... and devote that to the present and future - to that new growth, which can replace the old weeds that grew in that space, previously.

From the dream itself (before your interpretation) it seems clear that you're applying "fertilizer" to that growth - maybe unconsciously - and that the dream was a message to you - your conscious self - that the growth is happening quickly....

Much love to you. My own boundary with my own past is taking me on a new phase of my growth and journey and while I can't see what's around the bend - I don't fear it anymore... and I know that I'll be just fine... as fine as I know you are - right now - in the glow of the immense progress you're making.

[teartracks]

Hi PR,

Re your last post here.  You are so right.  We must practice not starting each new day with our past.  Breaking that habit is a hard one, but to live to our fullest we have to let go of the habit.  Letting go of the habit is different from forgetting our past.  Who could forget?  That's not the goal.  The goal, I think is to learn not to dwell in it.  I think the goal should be to harness  the pain of our past in a way that allows us to visit it deliberately and for specific reasons.  Reasons designed to help us tweak and enhance the remainder of our life in a positive way.

tt

[sKePTiKal]

Yep, tt... one can never forget... and you know what they say about those who forget the lessons of history...

I'm just saying I've reached the point where the only thing that I can gain from a focus on all that past emotion/memory is simply more, continued agony... and that doing that - the habit of the focus - is actually getting in the way of making the changes I want/need to make now.

NO DOUBT I'll need to revisit some or all of this, at one time or another in the future... but it's not where I "live" now; it's not where I want to "live". So I have to carefully wrap it all in tissue and put the memory box somewhere safe... for safekeeping... so that I can do other things now.

[ann3]

SS,

Just read your dream (haven't read the replys cuz  I've got to go), but, your dream is very profound & healing.  Please look up the online dream dictiinaries re: trains, toilets and all images & feelings.

I think this dream shows you have broken thru & arrived at a new level of healing/consciousness.

Toilets can represent us getting rid of our "crap" (notice the metaphor), mix that w/ your awareness of your shame/humiliation (the toilet is exposed - notice the metaphor); like you embrace & acknowledge your shame/humiliation.  You own it; you own your own "crap", you know who you are, you know your issues.  Excellent

There were toilets there but they were exposed to the open area. I felt the shame and exposure course through my body when someone pointed to a door behind me where there was a private bathroom.

You have boundaries:  you can deal with your own "crap", and someone helps you to see you can handle your issues without being destroyed by feelings of vulnerability (when someone pointed to a door behind me where there was a private bathroom)

But in this dream when I fear that I am once again going to be exposed and shamed things suddenly and unexpectedly shift and I have complete privacy.   You have good boundaries:  You can feel both vulnerability and self protection:  you can feel & do BOTH.  You are balanced.

The guy in the boat (water image) & you realized you had to leave him behind.  And all the other images & metaphors.

Notice also that you were able to handle the work.

My entire life I have had dreams about being unprepared for academics but that was a reflection of my actual life in which I was completely bound from being able to accomplish the work that interested me.   This may be true, but, it still shows that you have suffered anxiety, whether or not you accomplished the work in real life.

This is the kind of dream I would analyze for years.

sorry for typos, gotta run.

Congrats on the dream-it's wonderful & deep,

love,
ann

[Gaining Strength]

PR - I'm not part of the 3.  My voice is not strong enough yet but I am getting encouragement to overwrite the hideous internalized condemning voice.  When I read this: it seems clear that you're applying "fertilizer" to that growth I remembered another dream scene from last night or the night before.  I was inside with a few people and there was a planter on the wall which contained a small vine. The vine began to grow right before our eyes, to grow and to bloom small blue flowers.  It was such a marvel but the other people were completely unimpressed.  But when I woke up I thought that perhaps it was because the growth was my growth and the others just didn't care because it didn't apply to them.  Something is definitely shaking up in my unconscious and it is definitely positive.

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Ann - I have been ruminating over this dream all day.  That I was able to let that guy go and not linger or feel frustrated or guilty is so amazing to me.  It is an incredible sign of a change in my deep psyche and one that is most welcomed.  My father made me so dependent that I felt I owe something to everyone and it almost destroyed me but it was a huge price to pay and suddenly I am breaking free.  It is unbelievable.  I am so thankful.  Moving forward.

[sKePTiKal]

PR - I'm not part of the 3.  My voice is not strong enough yet but I am getting encouragement to overwrite the hideous internalized condemning voice.  When I read this: it seems clear that you're applying "fertilizer" to that growth I remembered another dream scene from last night or the night before.  I was inside with a few people and there was a planter on the wall which contained a small vine. The vine began to grow right before our eyes, to grow and to bloom small blue flowers.  It was such a marvel but the other people were completely unimpressed.  But when I woke up I thought that perhaps it was because the growth was my growth and the others just didn't care because it didn't apply to them.  Something is definitely shaking up in my unconscious and it is definitely positive.

Maybe - it was the kind of growth they couldn't SEE... only you could see it.