replaying N wounds blocks healing

[Gaining Strength]

It took me a minute to get what you were saying but I do get it. 

I am in a place where I am confronting head on the lies of what my parents projected onto me.  At times it feels like an impossible task, too much to overcome but when I apply your words, it's IMPOSSIBLE for us to not BE who we are then I am able to see that I am fighting the wrong battle.  I am fighting the projection that I took on.  If I look at your words then I can make a shift and operate out of the person I was born to be not the empersonation of my parents projection.

This is huge for me.  I think it may be a completely different animal to shift rather than to overcome.  Thank you.

[Gaining Strength]

I am working hard, yes hard on facing these wretched feelings that ovecome me and until recently paralyzed me.  I have to look at this sentence and acknowledge the victory it describes.  I am able to push through the paralysis now.  Oddly it does not feel like a victory.  It doesn't even feel llike progress.  But that is clearly the OLD message speaking, no YELLING at me.  IT IS progress!!  I can push through the paralysis.  It is not easy and it is not pleasant and it does not feel like a breakthrough BUT IT IS!!!

This is boring to write and probably more boring to read.  But I find great relief and strength in the repetition.  In fact, I am certain that repetition will begin to rewrite those misguided brain functioning. 

I watched Oprah yesterday and saw an astonishing 16 year old Phillipino girl who sings beyond belief.  As a young child, growing up in poverty she dreamt of singing with Andrea Bocelli and Celine Dion and would draw pictures of herself with them.  This summer she sang with Bocelli in Tuscany and yestderday on Oprah Celine invited her to sing with her while on tour.

I introduce this because I am convinced by much that I have read that being able to envision what you want helps tremendously.  I believe that but have been completely blocked from being able to use that technique.  Today I am pushing myself first by writing what I want to accomplish and then by trying to create a visual image of it.

One of the problems in the past has been the ADD effect that once I started working on one thing I would immediate jump to a tangential item that had to come before the one and then the jumping would continue from item to item until any depth was completely obliterated.

In the past two weeks I have been pushing through the personal demand that I focus on ONE item at a time, sometimes one dish at a time.  (Haven't even been able to do this in the past.)  It is excruciatingly painful - sounds absurd I know but painful, actually painful none-the-less.

Without question I must keep all of the process in the forefront of my consciousness.  I must call this stalling and this sense of condemnation and rejection A LIE and I must inject in their place a strong image of what I hope to accomplish, hope to be.

[sKePTiKal]

I can't tell you how it happened for me. But, one day... I simply started going about my daily tasks...
and never once thought back to some past event or wound or issue I was struggling with. Yes, I still wrote most mornings... but even the topic of the writing was far removed from actual pain - glimmers of it still poke through sometimes; sometimes anger. None of it paralyzing or overwhelming anymore.

I think your technique of visualizing what you want to be free to be... will ultimately be successful. It may not happen tomorrow... there may not be visible evidence that you can point to in a week... but you will be making progress "under the surface" that will show up one day all by itself. The fruits of all the struggle will come ripe. Seeds will germinate & flowers bloom...

Patience. Don't push yourself too hard... don't expect yourself to achieve "the impossible" overnight. Be kind to yourself.

[Gaining Strength]

I think your technique of visualizing what you want to be free to be... will ultimately be successful. It may not happen tomorrow... there may not be visible evidence that you can point to in a week... but you will be making progress "under the surface" that will show up one day all by itself. The fruits of all the struggle will come ripe. Seeds will germinate & flowers bloom...

Thanks PR.  I see subtle signs of change and I will stay with it - steady eddy. 

Patience. Don't push yourself too hard...
Patience - I'm learning.
Being hard on myself - I'm giving up.

[Gaining Strength]

I was listening to an interesting story on NPR this morning in which a small group of people in York, PA were discussing their experiences and thoughts about race.  A couple of self-described large black men briefly mentioned how they experienced being treated differtly from their white friends when they entered some establishments.  One man described the anxiety he felt as he entered these racist places.

When I heard this I had this sudden insight into the difference between a wounded/damaged victim and a person who moves forward. Suddenly I saw the value of transcending the offense.  That is not the same as denial though denial has some interesting facets. 

To experience clearly different treatment as a result of the unchangeable issue of race could swiftly tap into an explosion of rage (it would in me.)  But the anger or rage would not solve or resolve the issue.  It would exacerbate things.  But transcending the offense (rising above, ignoring, not reacting emotionally to) could allow the so called "victim" to proceed in persuing his or her goal. 

The interesting thing about this is that a variety of people who preach positive thinking such as Wayne Dyer as well as entreprenurial gurus like Donny Deutch and the young Farrah Gray all chose to focus on where they are going which requires that when they bump into an obstruction they stop and shift directions - sort of like a robot in a maze - until they find an open path that would permit them to move forward to their goal.

Victims (like me) instead stop at the obstacle and get bogged down in trying to get justice or fairness.  Now that is quite a bog.

People in denial pretend the obstacle was never there.

People who transcend recognize the barrier but don't allow it to stop them.  They let it re-direct them and keep persuing their objective.

This is a huge insight for me.  I have had many pieces of this puzzle but I have never understood the whole picture nor how I could apply it to my situation. 

It is not that my experiences in my FOO were not horrid - they were.  They almost destroyed a human life.  But I have been searching for justice, searching for that new parent who will bail me out of such injustices.  I have seen myself as unable to do that for myself (learned helplessness.)  I have long sought to be understood as though in being understood suddenly some floodgate to normalcy or functioning or acceptance would be opened. 

But PR's point about never being understood suddenly opened a prison door that held me labeled VICTIM.  I stood behind that door waiting, hoping, begging to be understood as though only in making that connection could the gate be flung wide.

I don't need to be understood.  I need to take back that longing from others and validate my own understanding.

Another recent posting that completely caught my eye was about seduction.  To mirror back to someone what they want to see in themselves.  Boy that was an eye-opener.  In so many ways.  One way is that I suddenly saw how vulnerable we are to suduction if we don't already see what want in ourselves.  We are so vulnerable to seduction if we are trying to find that person who can mirror back to us what we want.  But also I suddenly saw that I have never tried to connect to people by giving them what they want.  I have been looking for people who share my interests or who connect with me.  Suddenly I get a positive aspect of seduction as being more one of empathetic - seeing others through their own eyes.

This leaves me to wonder how much empathy can I have if I am stuck in victim role?  I suspect less than I have believed.

Finally, life is making so much more sense.  Suddenly, I am beginning to feel stronger and more capable of navigating my way in life.  The power comes not in having my victimization righted or justice being served but in transcending (not denying) the barriers and moving forward.

[towrite]

SS - when I had that last fight with my NM a few weeks ago, I saw how implacable her vision of "others" was - how mired in concrete was her belief that only she counted, only what made her look good mattered. It was that seeing her discount her children in order to maintain a basically indefensible position that triggered my ability to take myself out of the equation. I really saw clearly this was her craziness, not focused on me, much as she would like to make it so. It has made life in that arena more bearable. I am not even going to tell her about my job b/c I know for a fact now that she'd only blame me - being laid off reflects negatively on her, in her bizarre way of thinking.

That's what did it for me.

[Overcomer]

SS-these are important insights.  When we get beyond wanting justice for our injustices.  When we stop trying to prove to everyone else that our N parents are bad.  When we decide that we will live our lives to the best of our ability and let them be them..............finally we strip ourselves of the victim role and allow them to be who they are...........without us........

[towrite]

Wow, Kelly. That is profound - esp. "without us". Thanks.

[Gaining Strength]

Victim Role - Boy I have been knocked silly with the insight that I am locked into the victim role. 

I started to panic when I realized this.  A month ago I thought I could access this "determination".  I was tapping into that Olympic spirit and then suddenly I found myself mired down yet again.  Not like I was when I was completely paralyzed but mired down none-the-less. 

I know that some of that comes from that sabotage that I grew up with - the relentless - subconscious punishment that I received if I did something well or if I set my sights on an admireable goal.  Of course it would have been utterly incomprehensible to me and irrational that my parents would not have wanted me to set goals and achieve them.  That is what was so destructive!!!  It was so irrational that I could not even see what was going on until very recently. 

I know that I have overcome some portion of this nightmare but I have bumped into another portion of it.

As I began to recognize, over the past week, that I feel much more comfortable in the victim role, that getting out of that role or pushing forward into the clean up mode was exhausting just to think of it much less face it, then I began to sort of panick and draw back within.  But as I analyzed it I saw that this is not nearly as difficult as what I have already overcome. 

I can face down the shame and self-hatred now.  And now I have a number of techniques to get at the source of this problem.  Plus - I am much less reactive than I was even a couple of months ago. 

I have come a long way and finally have the strength to push forward and make more progress.

Love to you all. - SS (time for a new name - overcame the huge paralysis of shame - thanks be to God.)

[ann3]

Victims (like me) instead stop at the obstacle and get bogged down in trying to get justice or fairness.  Now that is quite a bog.

People in denial pretend the obstacle was never there.

People who transcend recognize the barrier but don't allow it to stop them.  They let it re-direct them and keep persuing their objective.

This is a huge insight for me.  I have had many pieces of this puzzle but I have never understood the whole picture nor how I could apply it to my situation. 

But PR's point about never being understood suddenly opened a prison door that held me labeled VICTIM.  I stood behind that door waiting, hoping, begging to be understood as though only in making that connection could the gate be flung wide.

I don't need to be understood.  I need to take back that longing from others and validate my own understanding.

This leaves me to wonder how much empathy can I have if I am stuck in victim role?  I suspect less than I have believed.

The power comes not in having my victimization righted or justice being served but in transcending (not denying) the barriers and moving forward.

Gosh, SS,
I am in awe of your profound insights.  It's like the valedictorian speech at the graduation of former victims.  Awesome.

xoxox,
ann

[towrite]

Ann3 and SS - you know that old Chinese saying: "Touch a wounded heart as little as you would an injured eye"???  Fits, eh, sugars?

[ann3]

Hi Towrite,

I love the saying, but I'm not sure how you're applying it here, so could you explain?

xoxox,
ann

PS:  I am sorry if I hurt your feelings with what I wrote on the job thread.

[seasons]

SS,

Your process on this thread has really been an eye opener for myself.

I stood behind that door waiting, hoping, begging to be understood as though only in making that connection could the gate be flung wide.

 I have been living this for years. I didn't even know how much I based my healing on being understood, for that would set me free. Setting myself up to fail, unable to take the next small step. Waiting..................................

Wow, now to accept that. Acknowledgement..... is the first step?
                                 

I don't need to be understood.  I need to take back that longing from others and validate my own understanding.

 Yes! Yes!       

Thank you ((SS)). You have opened a closed place for me. ((((hugs))))

May your path to healing be strengthened by your persistence, and strength to face the hardest truths in ourselves. ox seasons

[Gaining Strength]

I am posting this at the risk of being inconsistent - certainly a problem in this healing process.  Consistency is a real need and something that comes hard to me.  I am diagnosed with ADD and wish such a problem along with solutions or help had been know to me as a child.  For recent years, shortly after I was diagnosed I have come to see that the hyper-anxiety that I have lived in has done much to exacerbate if not cause the disorder.  I digress -

I was (briefly, very briefly) working on the incite of actually basking in the state of being a victim, taking comfort (surprisingly - real comfort) in being a victim, railing with indignant righteousness about the perps (mean parents, wretched brothers and SIL and less than loving husbands) but most of all finding great comfort in the passivity that has pulled me in.  It is the pro-active state that is so profoundly difficult for me and yet only such a pro-active movement will get me out.  I've been waiting for Godot the savior to transform me.  Hello!!!!

Today I have slipped right over into addressing "judgment", specifically being the "victim" of judgmental people, specifically family.  I live in fear of judgment, am paralyzed by judgment, am reactive to judgment. 

Oh I think I could make the argument that Victim and Judgment are so intertwined for me that actually become aspects of the same problem.  That I will have to sort out later.  For now I am ready to move on.  I have found myself coming up short in terms of generating a plan to move forward - still getting trapped and stuck.  The stuckedness is no where nearly as stark as the paralysis that bound me for several years and my hope is significantly greater than those years I was aware of my paralysis.  None-the-less, this "victimization" and "fear of judgment" are powerful aspect that lead to the paralysis and which still bind me.

I am now finding a way to reconize what I am dealing with and move forward with reframing the fear of judgment and short-circuiting and overcoming the old patterns of reaction to these fears.

Boy am I going to miss this place.  The dialogues here and the personal dynamics help me in a way beyond belief to work through this stuff.  I read something someone else has written and relate to it and get insight.  I see someone whose struggles seem close to mine and see solutions to their problem that give my insight to solutions for myself,  I see people who seem stuck and see myself in their issues and begin to see ways out as it is more obvioius in looking at anothers situation than my own.  I am growing and getting vision and learning and getting much, much stronger because i feel supported and connected here.

I have seen my weaknesses and shortcomings mirrored back to me in a way that does not give offence but insight into how I might overcome those.  I have received encouragement in things that I did not see as strengths until one or more here told me they saw such a strength.  I have seen my extreme neediness by looking for support, needing support, demanding support where none was forthcoming.  I have left at times and started to leave at times - hurt, angry, disappointed but too sick and too desparate to be able to truly let go.

Oh my gosh - the people I have connected with on such a powerful level.  How I would give anything for us to be able to come together for a day and see how different the chemistry is in person from on-line or more interestingly how accurate the 3D connections and disconnections are in person as were on-line.

I no longer want to remove myself from life into that passive victim role waiting for rescue.  I want to move out into action - paced like the tortoise - slow and steady - aware of when I slip into self-judgment and consciously working to work out of a position of strength, moving forward step by step, reclaiming life and believing that I will triumph and have a life victorious - no longer caught in the despair of the N FOO but living a life transcending the victimization of my early childhood experience.

[ann3]

Hi SS,

IMO, it's OK to be inconsistent, you're human, not a machine.  We don't need to be perfect, we just need to be.

Sorry about the ADD; yes, what came 1st:  the ADD or your FOO which may have caused it?

I hear you:  we are all waiting for Godot, one way or another, but I undertsand what you mean.  Ain't gonna wait for Godot no mo!

 I live in fear of judgment, am paralyzed by judgment, am reactive to judgment....Oh I think I could make the argument that Victim and Judgment are so intertwined for me that actually become aspects of the same problem.  That I will have to sort out later.  
Know what?  I hear you judging yourself very harshly.  Yup, when we are judged harshly by our FOO, we wind up doing the same to ourselves.  Can you let yourself off the hook and give yourself some love?  You are doing magnificently.  We can't undo a lifetime of abuse over night.  It takes time, it takes years.   As we slowly heal, we are learning patience and faith.  Please have patience & faith in yourself.

  I have found myself coming up short in terms of generating a plan to move forward - still getting trapped and stuck.    Judging yourself?  Beating yourself up?  I do it too.  IMO, You are not coming up short.  We just need patience, faith.  You are on the right track, know that it will come when you are ready for it and that will be whenever you are ready for it.  Believe in yourself & love yourself.

The stuckedness is no where nearly as stark as the paralysis that bound me for several years and my hope is significantly greater than those years I was aware of my paralysis.    Yes, you have grown by leaps & bounds, you are not the person you were, you are a different person, a new person.  Perhaps your personal identity has not caught up with the new you?  Perhaps give yourself time for your mental image of yourself to catch up with the 'New You'?

None-the-less, this "victimization" and "fear of judgment" are powerful aspect that lead to the paralysis and which still bind me.  Oh, yes, but, maybe if we stop judging ourselves (like our FOO judged us), we can just exist & breath & know we are doing fine as we are right now in this moment.

I am now finding a way to reconize what I am dealing with and move forward with reframing the fear of judgment and short-circuiting and overcoming the old patterns of reaction to these fears.  Right on!!!!!!!

I am growing and getting vision and learning and getting much, much stronger because i feel supported and connected here.  me too.

I have seen my extreme neediness by looking for support, needing support, demanding support where none was forthcoming.   IMO, we were/are not extremely needy when we look for/demand support, but rather our need for support was/is normal,but our dysfunctional FOOs told us that this need was abnormal and shameful.  

Needing/wanting support is neither abnormal or shameful, it is very normal, but our FOOs made us believe it was abnormal & shameful.  SS, you are normal for wanting, needing & demanding support.  Needing support is a basic human need.  Humans are social animals:  we all need/want/long for support.  There's no shame in needing/wanting & longing for it.  Feeling shame in wanting support is another f'd up lesson our dysfunctional FOO taught us.

The fact that our FOO  failed to give us the support we needed was CRAZY MAKING.  So,our FOOS made us feel shame for wanting support and then made us feel crazy when they didn't give the support we needed.

I no longer want to remove myself from life into that passive victim role waiting for rescue.  I want to move out into action - paced like the tortoise - slow and steady - aware of when I slip into self-judgment and consciously working to work out of a position of strength, moving forward step by step, reclaiming life and believing that I will triumph and have a life victorious - no longer caught in the despair of the N FOO but living a life transcending the victimization of my early childhood experience.  You sound incredibly mentally/emotionally healthy to me.  Tortoises are great, remember, they win the race!!

Oh, SS, you sound great, you're growin like mid-summer grass.

xoxoox,
ann