Hi SS,
IMO, it's OK to be inconsistent, you're human, not a machine. We don't need to be perfect, we just need to be.
Sorry about the ADD; yes, what came 1st: the ADD or your FOO which may have caused it?
I hear you: we are all waiting for Godot, one way or another, but I undertsand what you mean. Ain't gonna wait for Godot no mo!
I live in fear of judgment, am paralyzed by judgment, am reactive to judgment....Oh I think I could make the argument that Victim and Judgment are so intertwined for me that actually become aspects of the same problem. That I will have to sort out later.
Know what? I hear you judging yourself very harshly. Yup, when we are judged harshly by our FOO, we wind up doing the same to ourselves. Can you let yourself off the hook and give yourself some love? You are doing magnificently. We can't undo a lifetime of abuse over night. It takes time, it takes years. As we slowly heal, we are learning patience and faith. Please have patience & faith in yourself.
I have found myself coming up short in terms of generating a plan to move forward - still getting trapped and stuck. Judging yourself? Beating yourself up? I do it too. IMO, You are not coming up short. We just need patience, faith. You are on the right track, know that it will come when you are ready for it and that will be whenever you are ready for it. Believe in yourself & love yourself.
The stuckedness is no where nearly as stark as the paralysis that bound me for several years and my hope is significantly greater than those years I was aware of my paralysis. Yes, you have grown by leaps & bounds, you are not the person you were, you are a different person, a new person. Perhaps your personal identity has not caught up with the new you? Perhaps give yourself time for your mental image of yourself to catch up with the 'New You'?
None-the-less, this "victimization" and "fear of judgment" are powerful aspect that lead to the paralysis and which still bind me. Oh, yes, but, maybe if we stop judging ourselves (like our FOO judged us), we can just exist & breath & know we are doing fine as we are right now in this moment.
I am now finding a way to reconize what I am dealing with and move forward with reframing the fear of judgment and short-circuiting and overcoming the old patterns of reaction to these fears. Right on!!!!!!!
I am growing and getting vision and learning and getting much, much stronger because i feel supported and connected here. me too.
I have seen my extreme neediness by looking for support, needing support, demanding support where none was forthcoming. IMO, we were/are not extremely needy when we look for/demand support, but rather our need for support was/is normal,but our dysfunctional FOOs told us that this need was abnormal and shameful.
Needing/wanting support is neither abnormal or shameful, it is very normal, but our FOOs made us believe it was abnormal & shameful. SS, you are normal for wanting, needing & demanding support. Needing support is a basic human need. Humans are social animals: we all need/want/long for support. There's no shame in needing/wanting & longing for it. Feeling shame in wanting support is another f'd up lesson our dysfunctional FOO taught us.
The fact that our FOO failed to give us the support we needed was CRAZY MAKING. So,our FOOS made us feel shame for wanting support and then made us feel crazy when they didn't give the support we needed.
I no longer want to remove myself from life into that passive victim role waiting for rescue. I want to move out into action - paced like the tortoise - slow and steady - aware of when I slip into self-judgment and consciously working to work out of a position of strength, moving forward step by step, reclaiming life and believing that I will triumph and have a life victorious - no longer caught in the despair of the N FOO but living a life transcending the victimization of my early childhood experience. You sound incredibly mentally/emotionally healthy to me. Tortoises are great, remember, they win the race!!
Oh, SS, you sound great, you're growin like mid-summer grass.
xoxoox,
ann