HOw to

[Ami]

Lupita
 At first, you had N's and now you have the opposite, an Echo. I wonder what happened? What do you think?        Ami

[gjazz]

I haven't made a study of EPD really, so I can only speak from my experience, but in my case, my mother wants me to be the parent.  She wants to be the child.  She wants me to tell her what to eat, wear, say, think, feel.  I feel this is about not wanting to take responsibility, not wanting to be accountable.  There's nothing too small: in the car, if I lower my window, she lowers hers immediately.  If I put mine back up, so does she.  There's a very "monkey see, monkey do" quality to all time spent with her.  That may be why she was attracted to my very N father.  All I can say, Lupita, is that this is not better than an N.  My mother has a quite parasitic personality.  If the man you are seeing has this disorder, you'll feel like a shell of yourself in short order, so be careful.

[Lupita]

I do not know if I am getting tired of him but I did not feel like seeing him last night. I wlaked on the beach on my own and had a good time.

I am not happy with him. But, as strange as it is, I feel peace with him. Just calmed.

He does not give me chemestry or excitement, just a sensation of security, not even that, it is just tranuility.

Should I change that for excitement and passion?

Craving for a person is neediness, clingyness. That is always bad. Carving for a person is an addiction. I do not have that. That takes away excitement, but gives you peace.

I constantly see his inperfections. I know that is bad on my part. I do not tell him. I know that the perfect person does not exist and I am not perfect either. I have my issues.

So, that is where I am. I do not know what I want.

I prayed the Lord for a man who wanted to dance and walk and diet and exercise. i got it. And I am not happy with it. He is not intelligent enough. He does not challenge my thinking. He is too easy to read.

But if he was challenging he would make me feel insecure. So, there is no good place for me. Not yet.

[Lupita]

See what I mean? Today I am feeling like I am getting an infection and with my medical knowledege I know that I need antibiotics and for that I need a prescription.

I was looking in the internet for hours a walking clinic open in my area on saturdays and was not successful. I finally decided to call my BF W and he immediately found one and he is on his way to pick me up to take me to the doctor.

That is the kind fo peace that he gives me.

[CB123]

Lupita,

There's nothing wrong with peace.  Peace is good.

Can you just enjoy the peace--don't agonize over whether you should want something more or different?  Can you just take a night off from seeing him and enjoy your solitary walks on the beach--without feeling guilty for enjoying them? 

Sounds like you two have a lot in common and if you just enjoyed that and gave yourself plenty of space to enjoy your solitude and other people, you could have an enjoyable relationship.  It doesnt have to lead to the romance of a lifetime. 

I'm sorry for your angst, Lupita.  Sometimes I think that we N-survivors analyze stuff to death.  I know I do.

Much love,
CB

[Lupita]

CB, you are so deam right!!!! We analize so much, looking for something hidden, something that we know or we think we know there must be there but we cannot see it and we investgate, and search.

You knew exactly what I was talking about!!!!!

That is amazing!!!!

We are just thinkig for a reazon instead of just enjoy.

The power of now. There is nothing you can do with the past, nothing you can do with the future, only the present.

The only moment you can change is the present.

The only momnet you can enjoy is the present. And we continue with inevstigating why this and whuy that and we forget to enjoy the present.

LOL

[ann3]

Hi Lupita,

He does not give me chemestry or excitement, just a sensation of security, not even that, it is just tranuility.

I think you're really onto something here:  tranquility.  What I am working on is to feel that tranquility within myself, without looking to another person to give it to me.  How to achieve this?  live in the moment, meditation, self love, acceptance of things we can't change.  It's not easy to do, but that's my goal.

Should I change that for excitement and passion?   That's not your only choice, it's not black & white.  We can have tranquility within our hearts & souls & still feel excitement and passion.  One does not cancel out or exclude the other.

I agree with CB:  take a step back & live in the moment, it doesn't have to be the romance of a lifetime, it is what it is & he is what he is.  Try to find the tranquility within yourself and live in the moment.  Don't look for perfection.

CB is right: angst & analyzing stuff to death.  We need to stop allowing our minds to spin out thoughts round & round.

Glad your BF found a clinic & hope you feel better.  Try to relax & enjoy the relationship for what it is.

xoxox,
ann

[CB123]

He does not give me chemestry or excitement

Lupe, are you taking any medication that would even out your emotions?  Even B/C pills?  A lot of our emotions and passions are driven by our own internal chemistry--hormones, etc--and if you are taking anything that alters that chemistry, what you are feeling (or not feeling), could be the result of that. 

Such a small thing...but I have a personal experience with it.  When I first got married 30 years ago, I was on B/C pills that were too strong for me and they suppressed hormones that I needed to feel sexually responsive.  It took only a few months to figure out what was going on and fix the situation, but it affected my marriage (because of my H's insecurities) for YEARS after. 

Anyway, its a thought.  You might decide its okay--worth it to avoid the highs and lows--or you might want to talk to your doctor about alternative therapy.

Love,
CB

[Lupita]

What is B/c? I am not taking any meds. Just ati in lamatory for artiritis.
Chemestry meaans excitement, not lack of libido.
Libido does not equALS excitement, intellectual excitement.

[CB123]

B/C = birth control

I thought you meant physical chemistry....that's hard to manufacture if it's not there...

Intellectual chemistry should be easier.  Maybe find something that you can do together that is intellectually stimulating?  I know that a lot of what you enjoy doing is very physical--walking, dancing, etc.  Maybe you could share a more intellectual experience?  A class?  A trip?

Anyway, remember to have fun and that he doesnt have to fulfill everything you are interested in. 

Love you,
CB

[Lupita]

Love you CB, this is funny, not b/c here, I am a menopausic b%tch.     

I need intellectual challenging from my partner and if I do not get it I feel depressed. He gives me everything I need except intellectaul excitement.

He does not have any money at all, but that is not important. I do not care about money. Just the intellectual thing. He is a very simple man.

How do you get along with yours? Do you have any intellectaul disequilibrium?

Do you feel satisfied with thim?

[Lupita]

Oh CB, you are such a deep intellectual person. I want to meet you one day. I am so much honored to be your friend!

OK, back to business, I very much appreciate your opinion. And again youa re right. He cannot be everything. He is taking dance lessons, walking five to seven miles a day with me, diets, exercise, my basics non negociable.

I guess I have to get the intellectual from somewhere else.

Your writing keeps me interested. You are one of the few that can bit my ADD, when I start reading your posts I cannot stop. I am sure there are other people here who enjoy your writing. So talented!!!!

Well, that happened to me too, about NH, he was the most intelligent, he still is, person that I have ever met. His verbal skills, his reasoning skills, capacity of abstraction, and ability to analize things, were hypnotic to my sense. I satrted reading books other than textbooks, thanks to him, he read a lot. I grew up intellectually with him. No emotionally, but intellectually. Enotionally I was retrade, going backwards with him being more childish and more motherless and less aware.

With W my BF, I get more aware.

The intellectual is a turn on chemestry for me but I guess it has to be negociable because I do not think I am going to find another man who treats me well, and dance, and walks, and humors me in such a nice way.

So, I have to enjoy. Enjoy the now, the present, since it is the only we have, the present.

I have to meet my needs on my own. I have to grow up.

It is difficult not to have the same language. W is WASP and I am Latin, not native English speaker, so if there is a language barrier, it is compensated by his slowliness. LOL

I do not love him yet, but I appreciate his presence in my life nad I am grateful for his company. Love will come with time.

I am sure that passion love is poisoning with pathilogical FOO and addiction to the person, intoxication, etc.

So, just to have eachother is good and feels nice.

Love you CB.

[Lupita]

Hey CB, I have to ask you, do you enjoy spicy food? I love tacos with very picante salsa. Do you?

I love huevos rancheros, or huevos a la albanil, which are fried eggs swiming in salsa verde with tortilla and melted cheese on top.

Does he sing Cielito Lindo?

Do you like tacos al pastor? HMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!! I am salivating!!! I do homemade salsa very picante!!!! No apt for heart condition people.

 

Do you like soft tortilla? Hot tortilla coming from the comal? I made hand made tortillas I put chees and salsa and you have a wonderful quesadilla there.

OK, back to love, do you get bored with him?

I think that W and I get bored a little but we do not care becasue we enjoy having eachother.

What do you think?

[Lupita]

This paragraph really impacted me. Becasue I should not need anybody to meet my needs of any kind.

That just hit home.

I have to meet my needs on my own. Period.

Not that I do, but I that is the way it should be.

The following was written by CB. Good stuff.

I don't think you can find one person in all of life that will satisfy every aspect of who you are.  If you need intellectual challenge in order to stay grounded emotionally, you need to find ways to meet that need.  Don't expect your partner to meet all your needs--although if this is a major, non-negotiable one, he may not be someone you can build a deep relationship with.  I guess what I'm saying is that it is too much pressure on any one human being to ask them to be everything you need.

[Hopalong]

Lupita, you are so lovable.

I hope love does come gently for you both...and bring you warmth, safety, closeness, and one day even joy.

((((((((((Lupita))))))))

Hops