Something happened this morning, that I think - not sure yet - might be my final breakthrough on this topic. More on that later.
I decided I don't know enough about self-sabotage - especially the motivations, the reasons - people do this to themselves. So, google & I are going to spend some time today looking for useful ways of thinking about this topic. This bit, boils it down to 3 separate, but linked things that function together...
In The One Minute Millionaire, authors Hansen and Allen state that in order for success to be achieved one must establish congruence. Congruence is when things come into alignment, but not just arbitrary things, three very specific things. First, your desire...you have to want it. Second, your belief...you have to believe (have faith) that you can get it. Lastly, self-acceptance... you have to know and feel that you deserve to have it.
They sound simple, and it's easy to understand the reasoning behind them, but this is why so much self-sabotage occurs. One thinks that they're in alignment, while suppressing a tiny niggling fear or question of doubt. Just one such doubt or a wishy-washy thought on one of any of the three key areas is enough to de-rail your success.
So how does one overcome the doubts and defeat self-sabotage?
When Desire is Your Nemesis
Explore if you've really bought-in to your goal. Is it your goal or someone else's? Will it make you happy, or are you trying to fulfill an obligation, taking an easy way out, or just not feeling 100% about it? A classic example of this is when a son or daughter follows a career path to please a parent, even though they'd prefer to do something different. Make sure your goal is truly your heart's desire.
Do you really believe that?
Wanting a goal and believing that you can actually achieve the goal are as different as night and day. Many people want success, but how many really believe that they can become the next Donald Trump or Bill Gates? It's not lack of desire, but lack of belief. Perhaps they are not sure how to proceed with the goal, or are unable to see how to afford the education to get started, or think they don't know the right people to contact. Whichever the case, these scenarios all work to weaken the belief system. Work on confidence building and add tools to your arsenal to combat limiting beliefs. If you approach your goal from what you DO have instead of what you think you don't have a positive shift will occur.
But am I Really Worthy?Do you ask yourself if you're worthy to succeed? Many people compare themselves to the previous generation. "My parents had a very small home and only one car. My spouse and I have a 3,000 sq. ft. home, two cars, 1 or 2 incomes, and a boat, so we should be happy." Why? Should you be happy with less than you could achieve simply because it is more than others have? Only you can answer that question for yourself. Perhaps there is an underlying belief that wealth is the equivalent to greed? If you don't believe that you deserve to have success and everything that comes with it, success will remain elusive.
CongruenceCongruence is the key to reaching all of your goals successfully, whether they are goals of career, personal growth, or love. Triumph stems from your inner perceptions. Getting to know yourself honestly and wholly can unlock the doors to the happiness and success that until now, you've only dreamed about.
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<Amber: Jackpot! I found this next website which provides a list of questions, to help us address - face - our personal sabotaging strategies. I'm copying the questions below and will post a link to the page. Here's the gist of a way to understand attachment to self-sabotage:
We derive some benefit from our seemingly troubling behavior. That is, "symptoms" or "issues" can be construed as both "maladaptive" and "adaptive". At first glance, symptoms look maladaptive, but closer scrutiny reveals that in some way, the individual "benefits" from them. That is, in some way the individual is protected by her "symptoms". In effect, the "symptoms" represent a solution to a problem, albeit a far-from-ideal solution. >
Worksheet for Conceptualizing "Symptoms":
Maladaptive Aspects
Describe a longstanding difficulty with which you have struggled. Describe the ways in which it is maladaptive. How does this difficulty hurt you or hold you back or make you unhappy? What is its impact on your relationships at work, at home, and socially?
Have you attempted to change this difficulty? If not, why not? If so, describe the nature of your efforts?
In what ways have your efforts been successful? If they have been unsuccessful, why?
In what ways have your efforts been thwarted? How were they sabotaged?
Worksheet for Conceptualizing Symptoms:
Adaptive Aspects
Now focus on the adaptive aspects of the longstanding difficulty. As strange as these questions seem, try to answer them.
How is this difficulty adaptive? What are the benefits? Who are the beneficiaries? That is, how might lovers, friends, family, and coworkers benefit from it? How might you benefit from it?
What aspects of yourself does it allow you to avoid?
Who would experience a loss if the "symptom" were eliminated? Describe the loss. What would its impact be?
How would you be forced to grow and mature if the "symptom" were eliminated? That is, in what ways would you be forced out of your comfort zone?
How would others be forced to grow and mature if the "symptom" were eliminated? How would they be helped or hurt by the elimination of your symptom?
If you achieve your goal or eliminate your symptom, how would your life be different? Would it be more populated with people? More isolated? Busier? More lonely? More leisurely?
How would your lifestyle change?
How would your friendships be affected?
How would key people in your life react? Would they be pleased? Would they be envious? A bit of both?
What would your parents think about it (answer this even if they are no longer alive).
If you are partnered, what would your partner think about it? How would your partner feel about it?
What would your children think about it? How would they feel about it? How would they be affected?
As a function of this change, who would be more likely to enter your life? Who might leave it?
What difficult or frightening situations would you have to confront?
How can these "symptoms" be overcome and mastered?
<Amber again: OK... s'nuff for now... I gotta go think about this list of questions and feel where things "fit"...>