This topic keeps coming up in relation to other things, in several threads. I thought I'd start a place to tackle this head on, to isolate it from other topics (as much as that's possible), to really get at the why and how of the mechanisms of this debilitating remnant from the past. I can only talk about my experience with it - so everyone, please join in - again, no rights or wrongs here; it is different for everyone.
For me:
self-sabotage happened in lots of ways - choosing N boyfriends/husbands, belitting my abilities to the point of not even trying to do something I wanted (art is the best example here), limiting my sphere of friends & therefore, my support, limiting my activities to prevent the normal enjoyment of life, limitation... limitation.... limitation.
Why limitation? Why such passivity? I think, for me, the answer is fear. At the most basic level - I was self-limiting my life out of a need to protect myself - fear - from being the target of envy... jealousy... and protecting SOMEONE ELSE'S feelings by not appearing to "show them up". Such is the "duck blind" I built myself to avoid abuse... the prison. To disguise myself, duck for cover. I was completely attached to this kind of sabotage, because it worked - in that situation. I feared giving it up, even long after freeing myself from abusive situations. It was comfortable, ya know? The devil I knew.
My way out of that prison, was to believe that I deserved more; that I was worth both sides of life - the light, positive, enjoyable side... and that I was capable of managing the darker side, without being disabled by it. Not pleasant - but not self-limiting, either. It took awhile to get there. Initially, I couldn't even list 10 things I wanted for myself.
The other kind of self-sabotage I used was deliberately hurtful to myself - smoking is just one; the most recalcitrant to change. This kind of self-sabotage includes even my naval-gazing period of obsessing on all the hurtful things done to me - I was forcing myself to stay with this, hoping I could squeeze out one last iota of seeing - realizing - freeing myself from feeling horrible all the time. I was drawn to it like a car accident; morbid fascination. It made me feel "special"; unique; important.
This kind of deliberately hurting myself, was my "look what you made me do" - an attempt to lay blame elsewhere for the abuse I endured and suffered under... for MY FEELINGS. It was fed by rage, helplessness & powerlessness. Once I accepted and fully owned this... the power of this kind of self-sabotage started to diminish. I had to own, manage, and take control of those feelings... after all, no one else can.
Eventually, I learned that I'd gotten all I needed from this review of memory and emotion... that it wasn't necessary to keep sticking myself in the eye with this stick... to feel better. Well, duh! right?
But this was the hardest self-sabotage to conquer. Because of the previous gems of understanding that came from it, I secretly hoped that I would find yet more "treasure". All I found was a dead-end; it was all the same stuff. So why did I do it? The pay-off was that feeling that my story somehow made me special and important. Sadly... there are many who've suffered the same and worse than I have. In fact, my story doesn't make me special - but letting it go and engaging in my life and enjoying it DOES.
So, ok........ that's where I am with this, now. How about discussion about certain, specific things... the mechanisms of self-sabotage?