CB, Ann, Gjazz, Deb, Mud, Sea Storm...
You have all said such concrete, wise things, I have been unable to assimilate them and answer each. I want to try to at least acknowledge the highlights (of which there are many) and thank you, profoundly, for the efforts you made to take on this subject with such sense and vision.
Gjazz:
I think some men who patronize those places are probably just terribly lonely, and project onto the dancers some sad script in which they swoop in like Superman and save the poor defenseless lass from all the tawdriness and they end up living happily ever after.
That's him. He is really quite accomplished but also insecure...and I think this is what it's about. One of the first things he told me was he's a major codependent. He got involved with one of the dancers, who apparently is borderline and was overwhelming to deal with, even violent with him a few times. He still is loyal, plays Scrabble with her online. There is a pathos to that image of him.
AND
whether seeking out people who are needy/co-dependent is part of feeling unworthy, somehow, of anyone "better?" It seems to me you have an awful lot to offer the right person. You are extremely compassionate and caring and empathetic, and willing to bend over backwards to help. You deserve a balanced relationship with someone who brings what YOU need from them to the table.
Well...I've been rejected a lot. It's odd, but I feel much stronger, lately. I think because I'm grabbing my future in my hands and fighting for what I want (e.g., fighting back vs. my brother, and determined to not give him my happiness--which is succeeding, so far). In a way, this codependent man feels nurturing. It may not be healthy, but it quite amazes me to have someone be cooking wonderful food for me once or twice a week, and offering to help me in so many ways. It feels supportive and generous, and that I haven't had for a loooong time. He may be a transitional friend, or something else. But I know the truth is, it's a real comfort to be hearing from him regularly and knowing he wants to see me regularly, and feeling valued. His being a "defective loser" -- feh. I just don't see him that way, though I recognize the ways he's frail. I know he may not be a good long-term prospect, but in the present, he's giving me so much that I have missed for a decade. And thank heaven, it's not sexual. I'm holding that at bay for my wellbeing, and he accepts things as they are.
Mud:
Some of the most stolid, conventional looking folks, even Republican dentists, are at the same time some of the least predicatable most interesting people you could imagine; many in a very good way with experiences, viewpoints and knowledge you would never guess and some in a dark and very dangerous way.
Oh, Mud. I would so like it if I could smuggle you to a nice restaurant and we'd meet as old buddies and you could get a bead on this guy. I am bemused ... he is a gentle person. I don't sense dark and dangerous (though I did with previous Nbf.) I just sense maybe the lonely messed-up guy who had no clue what to do about women, and because of his attraction to extreme risk (iow, climbing mountains at a dangerous level, and perhaps that was partly death wish, from unresolved grief over his father's death at his age 7). He tells me, and I have no sense he's lying, that his time of homelessness ("time in the wilderness") has cleansed him in some way, spiritually. He does seem to be very freed in spirit, and there is a vibe of freedom and peace about him. He winnowed his life down to pure survival, literally didn't care if he lost it, was rescued, and has been discovering happiness ever since. Funnily enough, despite my extreme dislike of this bit of his history...he is showing me fewer red flags than so many others I've met.
But I love love love what you said about those with conventional exteriors who may be the most interesting and worthy people... I just don't seem to attract these men, though I so wish I did. Maybe they're thrown by my semi-bohemian appearance with my long white hair, and my extroversion. I dunno. Women in this community seem to "match" respectable mainstream men. They dress and behave conservatively, and I don't... Thank you, Mud, I so value your input.
Sea, what you said about brain tumors really shocked me. I only notice the talkativeness and being stuck on certain subjects (he's quite obsessive about food), but it does make sense the brain trauma has to do with it. Thank you. That hadn't crossed my mind. I never knew him before tumor + gamma knife, so I don't know if it changed him. But I will try to learn more about this.
Mainly, thoug, i'm simply enjoying his company and undemanding friendship.
CB, I think he's a gift too. I am somehow much more present-focused and feel supportive, and I know he is a positive influence in the sense of being a friend who is interested in sharing time and pays attention to my life. He is teaching me, and I am teaching myself. So for now, I don't feel like setting him aside. It would be arbitrary and undeserved. Though it's good to maintain my own space and focus, and having the ministers here also creates that cushion. We see each other about twice a week and that's just right.
With love and thanks to all of you, and apologies to anybody I didn't thank individually...I'm fading.
xxxxoooo
Hops
