Sorry, I was unable to reply yesterday. I had the day off, and didn't want to post while H was around.
I am back at work today, my refuge, where it's quiet and no one makes comments about the piles on my desk.
Ann, thanks for your support. She is supposed to go to my next appointment with T with me. I'm sure that will be a wonderful time, since she always takes over the session and tells my T all of my faults.
Amber, my evenings go something like this. Get home from work, fix something for dinner. Shuttle M whereever he needs to go. Come home, clean up Pee and poo from the puppies, put the soiled towels in the washer. Vacuum the carpet, shampoo if the pee and poo is on the carpet, sweep the kitchen, mop if there's time, do the dishes and wipe down the counter, put more laundry in the washer, hopefully clothes so I have something to wear to work. Pick all of the stuff that has accumulated on the kitchen counters and table. Pick up the living room. Tote the dirty clothes downstairs. Cringe at the dirt on my bathroom counter, and try to remember to bring cleaner with me so I can wipe it off. Finally get a shower. Sit on the couch and check email. H comes home, watch TV and snuggle. Go to bed, usually exhausted, often can't sleep. Listen to H complain about how tired she is and how she isn't getting enough rest. Listen to H complain about the kids she watches and her other job. LIsten to her complain about the dogs, the rescue, or whatever. Listen to her relate projects that need to be finished (i.e. I need to finish). Get up the next day and do it all over again. Work is my refuge, really.
I tried to tell her that I felt like I had no time to do things I enjoyed anymore. My weekends were jampacked. Anytime I tried to write, knit or anything at home, H pouted and had some comment about how she wanted to cuddle. So my office is still a mess. A huge dog crate takes up half of it. I never get to work on it, because I'm trying to just keep up with the minimum. M has to help me with all of the animals, because otherwise the house would reek. H was upset when I bought a really good vacuum, but we needed it just to get the dog hair up.
She told me the other day during our fight that she always did all of the work around the house, and she finally just quit, because I wasn't doing anything at all. I started thinking about that. I've always done all of the yard work. She has allergies and yard work makes her sick. So during the summer, I spent evenings mowing. I usually fixed dinner, something more than microwave meals and canned veggies. I cleaned up the dinner dishes. I'm the one who usually vacuums, dusts, etc. Sometimes she picks things up. I clean the bathrooms because she gags trying to do it. When I stopped to think about what she does, the most I could come up with was laundry. She's ruined a lot of my work clothes by putting them in the dryer, but I didn't say anything because laundry was about the only thing she did. M and I take care of the animals. M helps do the cleaning. H's sole contribution to the upkeep is the occasional wild hair she gets because something has been messed up too long. She always complains about everyone not putting things back where they belong, but she is the worst offender of this. I can't count how many times I've been in the middle of something and stopped because she needed help, only to end up doing the majority of the project, while she snapped at me how to do it better, faster, etc. Funny thing is, some of the things she complains about me doing, she turns around and does herself. Then she will complain if I don't ask her for help, even though she'd just snapped at me for asking for help, so I just resolve to do things on my own.
I'm sure eventually, something will come to a head. Deep down I really wants some space. She wants me to go visit her family with her over Christmas. I don't really want to go. I like her family, but I can't really afford the trip, and Christmas isn't really my thing and I now have an enormous tax bill to pay at the end of the year. I don't know where I'm going to come up with the money for that. She says to use my income tax refund for it, but I'd already decided to use that to pay off some bills. I have not yet told her I can't really afford the trip, because I know she'll be hurt. She's been asssuming I"m going to go.
