Deb,
I'm trying to sort everything out, because I do care about her, and I don't want to hurt her. She told me she just keeps building up a wall because she knows the blow is coming. That's the way her life always works. She never gets what she wants. I told her once I wondered if she didn't get what she wanted because she didn't believe she deserved it. She rolled her eyes at me and said I was the one who didn't believe I deserved anything.
M does think of her as a parent figure. I think he's a little scared of her. She really makes him work and work when it's just the two of them. She told him that he shouldn't complain because life was about work, not having fun. I wondered why the T thought M was depressed. I'm starting to see why.
I think in the beginning I was content to do whatever she wanted to keep her happy. I know I bought things and made changes I didn't necessarily want to make. I thought that was compromising. I sold tons of stuff. Donated tons of things. I bought new furniture because she didn't like mine. I sold furniture that I liked, etc. I said nothing about the arrangement of things because it was the way she wanted. Now, I think I'm starting to get tired of doing everything her way. When we first started seeing each other, I liked her input about M, but now she seems to think he's her child. She actually got upset with me when I didn't want her to go a doctor appointment for M with me. She said it was like I didn't trust her.
I started doubting some of the things she said M told her about his grandma, about school, about me. They just didn't sound right. She would snipe at me about spending money, but say nothing about her own charges. She convinced me to get a joint account, even though I didn't really want to. I paid off her car so she wouldn't have to go to court. I offered to pay for her classes. Yet, she still tells me I only think of myself. When I try to talk to her, then she does one of two things, she tells me I'm the most intelligent person she knows and I have a brain. I should use it. She says I'm always turning her into my mom, which I"m not, but sometimes her tone of voice triggers that deer in the headlights feeling and I can't think. Or else she says I'm manipulating her into falling into my pity party. Like the other night with getting the pups settled. I got tired of her sniping at me. I finally snapped when she asked me if we had any dog blankets clean. Her exact words were, "I guess we don't have any dog blankets." I'd spent all day washing up all of the dog stuff. I still haven't gotten all my clothes washed yet. I was just tired of her little attitude and her rush, rush, and blaming me for things that didn't work. When I said I was tired of her being pissed because I wasn't moving fast enough or doing things right, she told me she wasn't buying into my pity party. I wasn't looking for a pity party. I just wanted her to stop sniping at me. She said she was tired and just wanted it done. I told her to go to bed. By the time she went to bed, she'd cooled off. I was exhausted because I couldn't sleep the night before. I hadn't gone to sleep until four and had gotten up at eight. But apparently, ten hours isn't enough sleep for her, because that's why she was short. She was tired. She went to bed and I continued cleaning up until she finally came and said if I was tired I should go to bed.
I don't know how to end it. I don't know what I want. I just want someone to love me, really, but I feel like I have to be on guard as much with H as I did with my parents. She claims she and M walk on eggshells around me, but I"m not sure that's true. I think it's the other way around. I wish I could just get over my fear enough to tell her to stop when she starts sniping at us. I just haven't been able to do it. When I do, then I undermine her authority with M and she gets upset.
