Needing Some advice

[tayana]

I am now totally NC with my family, including my brother.  We had a few brief months of contact, but my family claims I want nothing to do with them and I have brainwashed my son.  My partner and I are totally moved and happy, for the most part.  We have some issues we need to work through, but I think we'll deal with them.

My partner encouraged me to pursue child support for my son, which I did.  His father had never been involved in his life, never paid any support, but he contacted me wanting to help us however he could.  Unfortunately, he never really offered to do much until the state ordered him to.

He's looking at close to $800 a month in support, which he says he can't afford because he's starting his own business and currently living off loans.  He would like us to come to an agreement so we can go to the court to lower the support payment.

I'm of two minds about this.  On the one hand I'm rather angry that he wants to make amends and now is balking at paying support.  On the other, I can certainly understand being in debt and not having money.  My partner wants me to stick it to him.  She thinks its very amusing that he's in this situation.  I can't really decide if he's being honest, or if he's just trying to get out of the situation.  He's talked to me several times about his debts, but at the same time he wants his kid to go to college and have opportunities he didn't.

I don't *need* the money to survive.  He was also ordered to pay medical support, but I already have that from my employer and don't need it. 

The more compassionate, realistic part of me realizes that he probably can't afford this, but at the same time I don't want to let him out of his responsibilities.  I'm afraid if I come to a lesser payment, my partner will be upset with me for caving, but I'd rather have a fraction of the money to put away for my son than nothing at all, plus I don't necessarily want to ruin someone's life for vengenance.

Any ideas?

[sKePTiKal]

It's good to hear from you Tay! Missed you!

How much can he afford? do you know? I don't see why you couldn't work out a temporary reduction in support, until his business gets going. But then, that could be a very long time in this economy. And the question would be - who decides when he can afford more?

Sounds like the bigger issue isn't dollars & cents, though. I've never quite understood the emotional aspect of child support for some people... even my self as a single-mom. It's not about vengence. It's not punishment for fatherhood. It's simply a responsibility to financially support a child and provide for their future.

I think I'd have to have a boundary with your partner about this topic.

[Gaining Strength]

Boy have I missed you.  I really have wanted someone to talk to who understands raising an only child of great needs.  But this is about you.

This is my reaction based on what I read.  Part of the issue is how the courts in your area work.  Here the court orders are VERY difficult to change but not always enforced.  And my thoughts are based on how the family courts work here.  Don't get the change made but don't put demands on his complete fulfillment of the monthly payment.  Accept a partial payment from him for now while he is struggling financially but don't put that in writing in any form that he could bring to court later. 

I think your partner must not put demands on you about how you make agreements with your son's father.  That is beyond your relationship and I encourage you to draw that boundary.

[tayana]

My partner and I are having some issues over control.  She has a tendency to be a control freak and then accuses me of being the one who is controlling.  She tells me all the time she's scared of me, but this is a totally different issue.

We can have a hearing to change the order, but it will take several months to schedule.  If we go to the hearing with a mutual agreement, the court should change it without a problem.

I am leaning toward being lenient with him, because he has seemed very sincere in his efforts.  Unfortunately, I'm not a trusting person, so he's going to have to work pretty hard to earn my trust. 

My partner thinks it's hilarious that he's in this situation.  I don't see anything funny about it.  I feel kind of guilty for ruining someone's life over money, especially when I had a similar issue of my own.  Papa is willing to start paying me before he has been ordered to.  he'd asked me to come up with an amount I felt fair, which I did, but I told my partner nothing about this conversation with him. 

I'm not happy with her regarding this issue and several other things.  I've talked to my therapist about this, but I don't seem to get anywhere talking to her. 

If you want the story, I'll tell you.

[sKePTiKal]

You're not getting anywhere with the therapist or partner? That wasn't clear to me.

[tayana]

I'm not getting anywhere talking to my partner.  All of the problems seem to be mine, not hers.  When I try to talk to her, one of two things happens, either she bursts into tears and tells me I'm making her seem like a jerk, or else it erupts into a fight.

She's been working nights for the last six weeks or so, so I've been doing everything around the house.  It wasn't so bad for a few weeks, but then she was always too tired to help.  I could never do anything at lunch because that was our "cuddle time."  Then I finally was so overwhelmed that I tried to tell her how I was feeling, and I was told I was making her out to be a big jerk.  Eventually, things erupted into a shouting match, where she told me I hadn't done anything for the last 8 weeks and she finally decided that I needed to, even though I can remember a single night I've come and just did "nothing."  Usually she would get upset when I wanted to do house stuff, and then she would fill our weekends up, so I never had time to get caught up.  She claims she asked if I wanted to do things, and I just ignored her, but I'm not sure if she really asked.

So during our fight she told me I got to spend 3 hours with my kid every night to which I responded that no, I got to spend 3 hours cleaning and doing laundry.  She told me the house still looked like sh**, then after she cooled off said she didn't mean that.  I've been trying to get things done ever since she started this other job, but apparently it's not enough.  She yelled at me because I don't like charts and lists, and that I said she couldn't do them.  I never said she couldn't, on this I'm absolutely certain.

We worked things out, but I still have some nagging doubts.  I'm  not quite sure what do.  My therapist sees a lot of controlling behavior, and tells me she doesn't see me as controlling.  My partner tells me I'm manipulative and controlling and I'm just like my mom.  That hurt most of all.  I've been reading about co-dependency and I see a lot of those traits in our relationship.  My partner has always had my role of being the breadwinner, but this time the tables are turned.  I'm the one taking care of everyone, not her, and she doesn't like that.  She has some jealousy issues going on, and I don't know how to address those.

[Hopalong]

HI Tay!

I'm sorry it's because of painful things you've popped in, but I'm so glad to hear you.

I'll be short and sweet, you know I'd be longwinded and delicate if I had the hours.
Here's what I think, hon:

1) You're nothing like your mother and that is a very very low blow.

2) BRAVO to you for going NC with your family.

3) Your partner/gf is NOT family yet. It's still a relatively new relationship and she is not sounding very mature. Shouting matches can last a lifetime and that's the last thing you need for yourself or your son. And you don't need to be voiceless in the relationship, either.

4) I agree she's controlling.

5) It is absolutely none of her business what arrangement you make with your son's father. It is, in fact, extremely disrespectful and boundary-bashing for her to stick her nose in. You may have shared your uncertainties with her so she feels entitled to comment. But I think you two are in dire need of some communciations training. Laughing at him, at your feelings about the situation, is the opposite of support.

6) Support, at the least emotional support, is what we find partners for.

7) It's so good you're in therapy. Trust your growth there.

I agree with GS...don't change the legal order but if you want to reduce his child support a couple hundred on a temporary basis, I would do it INFORMALLY, but in a letter. (Ask a lawyer about this...it will be totally worth it.) You don't know what the future will bring, and your son's financial security is more important than his father's belated self-interest. Yes, he may be struggling. But no, you don't have to compensate for that and your son will be more and more expensive as he gets older. So don't change the legal order. And ask a lawyer how you should handle an interim informal reduction -- you want to be CERTAN there are no permanent consequences from giving him a break for now.

9) Little boys don't cost much to raise. Adolescents who needs clothes, then a car, and a good education, and hopes for the future...cost a LOT. Even if you were socking away every cent of that $800/month for his college, and not needing it for month-to-month groceries, you would be doing the right thing for your son, imy. So whatever compromise you need to make, put your son first, and your compassion for his father second. It's just a law of mother nature (emphasis on mother).

love to you,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Tayana - I've been away for the weekend and just returned.  I popped in to see what has been posted over the weekend but don't have much time right now.  I am posting to say I am very interested in what you are going through and want to think about what you have written carefully before I post.  I will be back to post later.  Meanwhile I amthinking of you and sending you my heartfelt support.

your friend - Gaining Strength

[gratitude28]

I agree entirely with Hops' post. Anything I said would repeat what she wrote. I see definite red flags. I would hope your partner understands that your son is the most important thing in your life, and part of the reason you have been able to make so many positive changes. His father should be paying support, and I understand that might stretch his money, but he did make a child with you.
Tay, is there any way you can take a break for a while from your partner and take a good look at the situation form afar??? It would help to clarify the situation if you are not in the middle of it. I think it sounds like you are doing a ton to make the relationship and your family work. Do you really want M to be exposed to more drama????
Lots of love,
Beth

[tayana]

Beth, I can't really take a break.  The most break I get is at night when she's working.  She lives with me, and if I suggested a break she would take that as a sign of rejection.

Okay so here's the whole thing, and I guess why I can't sleep anymore.  It's 1 am.  I'm exhausted, and I just can't bring myself to sleep.  My mind just keeps going and going and going.

I had one dog when we met, a little boston terrier.    Ever since we met, she's been jealous of my dog.  She didn't like for me to pet him or talk about him or play with him when she was around.  She always complained I loved the dog more than her.  Then I got a second dog, and all she would do is talk about how I kept talking about "my dog" or "M's dog."  I hadn't gotten to the stage where they were "our dogs."  I still hadn't gotten to the level where I was thinking in terms of "we," even though she seemed to think I was the love of her life.

Things were wonderful for a while.  I was NC with my family when I bought and moved into my house.  I had no help except for my GF, and then she lost her job.  I was so overwhelmed with the house, moving, school, and work, that she decided to give me a bit of a break and help me do some of thing painting and things around the house, which she did. 

Unfortunately, I started discovering that she only likes things done her way.  She wouldn't let me help, or if I did help she was get "frustrated" at me because she wasn't giving clear instructions and I didn't know what I was supposed to do.  She claims that I just stand there waiting for her to tell me what to do, but she doesn't ever tell me what she has in mind.  Anytime she gets mad, her solution is just to storm off and say nothing, so I don't know where she is or anything.  She doesn't say she needs to cool down.  And if she doesn't do that, then she starts telling me she's scared of me and crying and telling me she's worthless.  She has a complex because I'm the bread winner, so she feels like she needs to take over everything else so as not to "stress me out."

A month after we moved into the house, she decided she wanted her own dog.  I can legally have 3 in my city.  So she adopted cattle dog that needs lots and lots of exercise, is hyper,  has no manners, etc.  The very first thing he did was attack my dog.  I wanted to get rid of him then, and she took him to the shelter, but couldn't give him up because they were going to put him down.  We agreed to work with him, but he's still unruly after several months.  He still attacks my dog, but her attitude is that mine always deserves it and starts it.  We have totally different attitudes about this.

She got us involved in an animal rescue, and this has only added to the stress.  Now I have a rotating supply of pups.  Currently I have sixteen dogs.  I don't want that many.  My house feels like it has turned into a shelter.  I spend hours cleaning, but she complains that the house still looks like crap.  She doesn't  really help out, but she tells me she spends the whole day working.  She's currently babysitting kids, only 2, and she has given up finding others.  In the afternoons when they go to school she takes a nap because she has to get up so early.  I understand that watching kids is hard work.  I empathize with that, but she seems to think I do nothing at my job but play.  So when I say I'm tired after I come home, she doesn't believe me.  Instead I spend more time working at home.  By the time, I get ready for bed, I'm exhausted, or else I'm so stressed out I can't sleep, like now.

So, she accuses me of doing nothing.  She says she's decided that I should do everything since she was doing it all before.  Until she started this new job, I was doing all of the yard work when I got home from my job.  I didn't get to play with my dogs or my kid or anything else.  I had grass to mow.  Landscaping to redo, and I now have half dozen projects that won't be finished until spring.  It's getting too cold to do them now.

With M, she wants to be "mom."  At one point, she was totally excluding me from stuff at M's school, unless it was something he'd done wrong.  She was signing his assignment book, etc, and I just felt excluded.  When I said something she was very offended, and that I didn't want her to be involved.  It wasn't that I didn't want her involved, or want her help, I just didn't feel like I was being included.  In fact, I felt like she was taking over, and I just wanted to feel like we were a team, not a pair of individuals.  Of course, when I say anything, she just makes me feel guilty because of all the stuff she's doing, but apparently, she doesn't feel I contribute much of anything, other than a paycheck.

She keeps saying she's going to get her teaching license.  I told her I had the resources to pay for it.  I told her to let me know how she wanted to do it.  She never did.  She brought it up again a few days ago, and I said I can put it on a credit card if you wnat to pay it all now or let me know if you want to pay it in increments and I'll budget for it.  She made no committement, in fact, it seemed like she felt like I'd just told her no.  What she makes at her two jobs makes little contribution to the overall expenses of my house.  I just got my real estate tax bill, and she was dismayed that I had to pay that.  I'd told her before I was expecting that.  She just couldn't believe it, and was convinced some mistake had been made. 

I'm almost to the point I wish I was single again, no matter how I feel about her.  Anytime I express doubts, then she starts begging and saying how afraid she is that I'm going to leave her because I'm the best thing that ever happened to her. 

I've talked to my T about it, and when she was going to the T with me, it seemed like things were good.  Now, I just feel like nothing I do pleases her.  When I try to tell her that, then she says I'm generalizing and she feels like a jerk.  She's done nothing but act "frustrated" and snipe at me for the last six weeks, because apparently I don't notice the effort she's making.  She says she did this other job for me, even though I told her to do it, if she wanted to.  What she makes at the job, makes no difference budget wise. 

When I've tried to write at home, then she's offended because I'm not paying attention to her. 

I'm not quite sure what I feel right now.  I still love her, especially when she's being the person I first met, but I don't like her little mood swings that she blames on being tired and "frustrated."

[Ami]

Dear Tayana
 I think all you can do is look at your part in it. We can't change another person no matter how much we want. Our part is all that is open to us.        Ami
 

[Gaining Strength]

I don't think a time of crisis and extreme stress and pain is a time to "look at your part in it."  It is a time to receive support and encouragement.

[Ami]

I guess for me, I tend to do that, for myself, but maybe it is not the best for other people ,GS. It could be advice for the back burner. I understand that.        Ami

[gratitude28]

Oh Tay,
I am afraid you traded your Nm for someone almost as difficult. And it must have been hard to see because you were feeling accepted and loved (although the love may have come more from your side and through rose-colored glasses). When I said take a break - I meant a REAL break. I mean to separate for a while and get a look at things. I know this would be a rejection of sorts, but you need to get a clear mind about the situation. Your relationship sounds too much like the N relationships described on this board. She is VERY controlling and chooses to act in a way that is detrimental to building the healthy life you set out to have.
It would not be a bad idea to consider being single again. The relationship has moved VERY fast, I think. With my husband, we did not enmesh ourselves so fully for quite a while. And we were cheery in the beginning - it was only later that we needed to start working out how our house would be. I have read that relationships that are healthy and happy often start out easy and loving.
I hope this isn't too harsh, but I really care about you and want to see you and M happy.
Love,
Beth

[tayana]

Beth,

It's not harsh.  I sort of feel the same.  Deep down, that is what I want.  I just feel bad for asking.  I thought about looking for a retreat or something that I could just get away for a few days, just to see how she would react.  The relationship has moved faster than I'm really comfortable with.  I've really been pushed along, and I don't like it.  She wants me to go to her family's home for Christmas, but I don't really want to.  I'm pretty bummed about the holidays in general, and I'd like to make some traditions of my own, instead of being thrown into hers.  Not to mention I'm not really sure we can afford it.  She keeps telling me to find someplace for the dogs to go, but the affordable places I find, she doesn't like for one reason or another.  I'm afraid she'll decide to ask our neighbors to watch them again and leave them outside.  Two of the dogs can't tolerate cold.  She has a nasty habit of waiting until the very last minute and then blaming me for not making a choice.  This time I asked her to call places, but she never has.  I even asked a co-worker, who's sister is a vet, what place would be good.  I asked her to call and she didn't.  She seems to think I can do whatever I want at work.

My best friend lives 700 miles away.  I had a serious crush on her for years.  More than a crush really.  We are very much alike, both in habits and personality.  She told me much the same thing you just said. 

GF's attitude about my family is that they aren't worth the dirt on my shoes.  While I agree with that to an extent, I was also pushed into NC.  She even wrote my parents a letter, without telling me, explaining why I was NC.  I'm starting to doubt some of the things she tells me.  I even told her that, and then she got upset because I didn't trust her.  I did a lot of giving up of things when we moved in together.  I gave up a lot of things I really liked because she didn't care for them.  I tried to compromise on arrangement of furniture and styles to accomodate her interests.  Yet, she just tells me I like everything my way and have no idea what compromise is.