Self-Determination - ruminations & an update

[Gaining Strength]

PR - I have been thinking about this thread a great deal over the weekend.  The depth of it has truly shaken my whole being.  I am finding that by focusing on "competence" I am able, for the first time, to move out of the "connectedness" problem that actually has held me prisoner my entire life.  Not because "connectedness" is not critical but because "connectedness" was from earliest infancy, conflated with self-denial and self-destruction. 

It looks to me as though, by focusing on "competency" that I will free myself from much of the fear and entanglement that was created by the wrong understanding of "connectedness" and will untangle that allowing me to function with autonomy and drawing other good and competent people to me in a healthy "connectedness".

I will continue to sort out the damage and confusion long established by the twisted patterns of what it meant to be connected.  I have much work to do in order to accomplish that.  But in the meanwhile I will keep my focus on "competence" and am enjoying the feelings of accomplishment of even the simplest actions of competency.

One of the great pains that I have experienced in my adult life and especially so in the years since my husband died is a powerlessness.  By focusing on competence I see how I will be able to stand up to that powerlessness rather than give in.  That powerlessness is very closely related to the ovewhelming sense of aloneness and utter lack of connectedness.  In fact, in my dreams last night, in several different dreams I was with others in situations that were comfortable and going along well when suddenly there would be a turn and I was called out or away and given a chore that must be completed alone, a chore that could not be completed alone - a no win situation - where it was a lose-lose situation for me. Complete the chore or I would be isolated, yet I could not complete the chore BECAUSE I was isolated.  That series of dreams comes from deep within my unconscious and is being brought to the surface to be addressed.

As I focus on competense and give myself credit for small successes I know it will grow and begin to transform this powerlessness into something utterly different.  I have so much more work to do with this concept.  Thank you PR.

[Gaining Strength]

Here is an exerpt from a CNN article on entrepreneurs that illustrates the point I was making above: professor Kelly Shaver of the College of William & Mary, told Forbes magazine in 2002 that successful entrepreneurs "really don't care as much" about what other people think. "They're just happy to go ahead and do what they're doing."
  The way I interpret it is that successful entrepreneurs are more focused on "competence" than on "connnectedness".  Very interesting.

[sKePTiKal]

Interesting that you chose competence, GS... rather than autonomy. These 3 things all being legs of the same stool, each one bears the same amount of weight and if one is wobbly or loose or broken... then the other two are more stressed, trying to perform their function - to hold up the stool. They over compensate, I think.

I don't think, because of this interwoven interdependence, that there's any one "right" starting place. Trust your intuition.

As for me, looks like my current round of T-work is going to begin with discussion of the book, "Stroke of Insight". My T brought it up, and of course I was familiar with excerpts from the thread Dr. G had started last year, about it. So back to Left & Right brain stuff, for a bit. I did bring up these 3 nutrients... and how valuable I found the concepts to be...

... the whole point of this theory, though, was addressing self-motivation. In your words, GS - that paralysis when faced with tasks. For me, the absence of enough desire and motivation to quit smoking. I had issues about competence & smoking - but I've been able to prove to myself that this was just fear; no truth to it. I can not smoke and be just fine for long periods of time. So... autonomy...? smoking to separate myself from my mother's projections about who I am.... maybe. Connectedness - my hubby and I connect first thing in the morning, coffee & smokes to hand... but it's been possible for me to prove to myself that I can connect to him just fine w/o smoking.

Connecting with myself is closer to the truth. The old 'validation through invalidation'... the 'comfort that kills' paradox again. And after reading the book, and seeing a bit more from Dr. Taylor's perspective about L/R brain experiences... I think I'm homing in on something else that needs to be addressed. Fear of dissociation. Nicotine enhances L-brain functionality and suppresses R-brain. And my survival - and eventual escape from my mom - depended on L-brain working to the best of it's ability (competence) all through high school and college. Interesting thing is... one of the tools recommended for getting through a NIC crave... is the puzzle game Bejeweled... and I've found it to be almost a trigger for a mild dissociation reaction in me... as if I'm training myself - through playing - to control dissociation; to balance L/R brain functionality ... allowing BOTH to co-exist... without judging.

It will be most interesting to hear my T's reasoning behind recommending the book to me. I found myself connecting to a LOT of the author's observations and seeing myself - my experience - through a different set of explanations.

[sKePTiKal]

The BIG DUH:

my attachment with my mom was negative - when I expected her to fulfill my needs, I received negative feedback...

when she found out I was smoking - she never punished me for this directly - she only said: the longer you smoke, the harder it will be to quit (contrary to previous experience above... "good" mom allowing me to do what I fully knew was BAD for me???)

I transferred my attachment to smoking (self-soothing....) - at the same time - punishing myself for having "needs"; using it to CONNECT with other people; and giving myself both an escape from mom and a false boost to Lbrain - to be able to think my way out of the constant gaslighting; the cognitive dissonance I experienced by having to play along with my mother's delusional reality.

She told me so many times that I wouldn't be able to quit, that it became engraved on my Lbrain; it was HER belief that she programmed me with - which now uses a multiplicity of fearful consequences for quitting to keep me from starting. I am able to - have done so already - prove to Lbrain, that the bad things it predicts don't happen.

When was my mom ever RIGHT about anything in reference to me ANYWAY???

I am so ready to be done with this issue, already.

[lighter]

It's been facinating to watch you work through it, Amber.

An amazing journey.