Self-Determination - ruminations & an update

[sKePTiKal]

I've been wanting to start this thread for weeks, but the transitions in my life and the inability to log in here from work have gotten in the way, up till now. (still can't get here from work - long techie reason). My life is changing quite a bit. My dad left quite an estate, including a prosperous, growing business and my brother and I each will own equal shares of whatever the government (estate taxes) don't take. The role of business owner is settling in on me like something I've been preparing for, all my life. But, there is still quite a bit of learning required and I've been going after as much information as I can process in each big gulp, before I have to breathe again.

Understand: I was a single mom in the 80's trying to scrape by on minimum wage. In my Twiggy days, we were so poor the income of the poverty level seemed like an unreachable, fantasy goal. I was able to get the education and experience I needed, to finally achieve "middle class" status at this point in my life. My share of the income from the business - if it remains after probate - is several times my husband's and my current income. We expect probate to be finalized in March or April.

At the same time, we have new leadership at school and they haven't waited very long to start making some very significant changes. For years, I've chafed in frustration over tech projects that needed to be done but were not considered important enough to be funded. And in the past month - all of them have been funded and are expected to be completed - successfully - in the shortest time frame possible. I'm the project manager for at least 3-4 of these and highly involved in some others. My boss is no longer the one making the decisions or directing the implementations. He is rapidly becoming only the person who sits in that chair. The irony of this, in light of the fact that I expect to not need this job in a few short months, almost delights me. Almost, because my job isn't such a big part of how I see myself anymore. I'm in the zen-zone of being able to "do" what needs doing, without being emotionally invested in it... or more so, than in the past. I would like to see these projects accomplished and what kinds of possibilities open up, because of them.

So, the image I have of myself these days... is that I'm perched on the highest mountain, right on the edge with my arms outstretched. I feel like I could soar; I feel this "itch" in my bones to try it. But I can't take that first step off my perch. It's a long way down, as I know so well... because I remember all the trials & tribulations of getting to this place. I remember all the old crap that was pushed onto and into me that formed my self-image. The sly whispers of "who do you think you are?" and "you'll fail at everything you try" and "you're not doing it right". These kinds of old-pattern thoughts are like concrete shoes keeping me stuck right on the edge of a wonderful, new experience.

So, I went looking for inspiration... working with the phrase "self-determination". Then, motivation... how could I motivate myself to simply push off - to let go - and see what happens? Believing that I could fly... and I found a wonderful article: "Self-Determination Theory and Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development, and Well-Being". Authors are Richard M. Ryan and Edward L. Deci. Published in American Psychologist, in 2000. It's a pdf, so I'll have to bring it home and attach it, or copy the link, for everyone. I've been working with the ideas in this paper for a while, to test for myself whether the ideas "fit" me or not. Whether I'm ready to start working with these ideas... and push off that cliff I'm stuck on.

These ideas are combining nicely with my idea that boundaries aren't just separations between people; boundaries are also the way we connect with people. That a boundary is like a socket and a plug - this is a hidden function; not simply a wall or moat or line that defines me-other. A boundary is where we find common experience, feelings or experiences that "resonate", where we actually connect with other people. Like "talking over the fence" with a neighbor. And sometimes, we open the "gate" in the fence and invite people in or we go visit.

This is getting long, so I'm going to describe this Self-Determination theory in the next post.

[sKePTiKal]

What made me think this paper was valuable was the description of "3 Nutrients" that are essential to the individual sense of well-being. They are: competence, autonomy, and relatedness.

Motivation - self-motivation - comes from an intricate balance of these 3 Nutrients. Some of the 3, are genetically wired into us... and some of the nutrients come from our interaction with our environments. It's a mixture; a blend. The paper mentions, but doesn't discuss, that poor parenting, abuse, and over-controlling environments can negatively impact well-being, by denying individuals a self-feeling of competence, autonomy and relatedness. Many of the examples refer to educational or work environments - but it's pretty easy to relate these to my FOO.

To develop a sense of competence, you have to be allowed to do - and learn from your mistakes. If criticism, and negative abusive judgement accompanies that "lesson"... it's easy to adopt the attitude that "I'm not good at that" and to avoid situations calling for that skill in the future.

If an individual isn't allowed autonomy - and those of us with N/BPD members in FOOs can relate - then actions, thoughts & feelings are being controlled by someone else... approval is needed prior to trying, doing anything. Going back to competence - if you are then criticized and nit-picked to death for not immediately mastering something without being given a chance to learn &  make mistakes - it's easy to adopt the attitude of "why try?" and "I don't matter; what I want doesn't matter". <as a side note: this thread is, in a way, me looking for your approval... some feedback from you all that there is value in these ideas... so that I can fully embrace them... sigh.>

Without relatedness - connection with others - there is no context for individual being. What I mean by this, is that who I am actually depends a great deal on other people in my environment: those boundaries, again. In isolation, "I" can be whomever, whatever... as the spirit moves me... but my identity, my external me... is a relationship, with boundaries as connection and/or separation, with the roles I have and the people - with their roles - that I interact with. Isolation of myself can be counter-productive to developing self-determination and motivation, is the conclusion I'm coming to. My extremely inpenetrable boundaries (my own fantasy of these & "shut-down", don't go there habits) contribute to my being "stuck" and not able to simply leave my perch and try to fly. Relatedness implies that other people will be there, too... helping keep the air under my wings... and showing me new tricks to try just for fun. And vice versa. I think relatedness is where we find personal meaning... but I'm still looking at that.

So if any one of the 3 nutrients is lacking... or we are denying ourselves or being denied any of the "recommended daily doses" of those nutrients... self-determination and intrinsic (inner) motivation suffer. The conclusion I'm coming to, is that this is why some habits are so hard to break... and why I had such a strong tendency to self-sabotage.

This is too brief, incomplete, and I could very well be making some wrong assumptions... I know I'm not addressing everything. I'll post the link to the paper, tomorrow or maybe someone can google it and post it from the info I gave. (running out of time, right now)

I'm bringing this up, because I'm trying to figure out how this works for me personally. To un-stick myself... take that doozy of a first step without fear. And maybe it'll shine some light for someone else, too.

[teartracks]

Hi PR,

It's wonderful hearing the energy in your 'voice' about all you're learning, your inheritance, and the new things going on at school.   Reading your thoughts is uplifting.

These ideas are combining nicely with my idea that boundaries aren't just separations between people; boundaries are also the way we connect with people. That a boundary is like a socket and a plug - this is a hidden function; not simply a wall or moat or line that defines me-other. A boundary is where we find common experience, feelings or experiences that "resonate", where we actually connect with other people. Like "talking over the fence" with a neighbor. And sometimes, we open the "gate" in the fence and invite people in or we go visit. 

I've discovered that some of the most helpful boundaries I have are ones I've drawn between myself and I.   Some circumstances in my life, for example the estrangement between me and my sister, have interfered with the quality of my life for years.  Before she passed, I chalked off the day  my mother died as the day that would end all efforts  to resolve the differences between me and my sister.  Freedom, sweet freedom.  There are other areas where I've established self boundaries that free up my insides.  Creating boundaries with myself, for myself is just as important as those I construct between me and others.

Thanks,

tt





 

[lighter]

Amber:

I felt so calm as I read your first post. 

What an amazing journey..... thanks again for sharing it with us.

You've taken so many steps and solved so many issues on your path..... I think you're on the verge of another large lesson.... what a blessing.

This is such a good thread ((((Amber))))

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I agree, Light...calm. Nice!

Amber, 2 small thoughts follow your biiiiiig ones:

--A hug is a boundary.

--Smoke is a boundary.

love to you,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Light - SOOOOO good to hear from you! I am able to read at work (but still not post), so I saw your post yesterday. The interesting thing about this "phase" is that I'm finding so much more life in my life. I'm involved with it... asking for & getting what I need... connecting with people on my terms (so different from before - it was always someone else's terms)... and I'm creatively engaged. Only the "art" work I'm working on, is myself, in a lot of new situations.

TT - yes, boundaries with myself too.... places I connect with myself... things I do/don't do... this is a whole new concept for me and your thread of context, is shining some light on this work. Being forced to work with my brother through this probate process is revealing how deeply the FOO dysfunction really is/was. And I've got reinforced boundaries about old patterns right now, in that area. Brother went so far as to launch an attack on me because I talked to the trustee, without consulting with and talking to brother first about a fairly routine matter. And I drew a boundary - clearly, respectfully & calmly - that he couldn't tell me what to say or do - or think, feel or want. That we're going to have to negotiate, disagree and compromise on lots of things - which is normal. And that's when my sibling anger was triggered and I just wanted to haul off and smack him... the way I communicated is a big improvement for me.

Hops - yes. I see, hear & grok... and I can finally see that my T was right... and how this will work. Her idea that one day I'll just stop smoking. As I gain experience with all the other types of boundaries... my confidence in them increases... and the irrational "need" for my magic talisman - the cigarette - goes away... and I only experience the negative part of smoking... the negative effects. I'm in the process of replacing that illusion of a boundary: the smokescreen: with more effective ones. As the irrational need decreases... so does the "remembering" to smoke... the habit itself. Without conscious effort... I'm smoking less. Hopefully not too late.

This article just makes so much sense to me. The pdf is just over 2mb... so I can't upload it... here's the link:

http://www.psych.rochester.edu/SDT/documents/2000_RyanDeci_SDT.pdf

[sKePTiKal]

YAY! I'm back on from work!!

[teartracks]

PR,

Love the article.  Does it interface with the low context/high context article or what!  I don't know why, but it seems I'm stumbling across one after the other article that confirms or compliments these two.

I'm in a situation similar to yours and Hops with estate matters.  Mine, at least at this point is not nearly as complex as yours.

tt

[sKePTiKal]

So there's some synchronicity going on with us, huh? There's also some high-powered "juice"...

--A hug is a boundary.

--Smoke is a boundary.

These 2 "little" ideas have turned out to be more like a super-laserbeam, Hops. It's started something HUGE; so huge that I'm debating revisiting my T after New Year's. I'll decide later; things are getting processed so quickly right now - new connections, new perspectives on old "realizations", and one big piece of the puzzle that we left out during my last round of therapy. I might actually break through "to the other side" before I can get anything scheduled... too soon to tell.

I can't remember what prompted me to search for info on the derealization and depersonalization types of dissociation, now. Something about smoking...     

There are differences between these 2 types of dissociation: as I understand it, derealization is the experience that the world around one, as experienced, isn't real. And depersonalization is when one's experience of oneself is that "I" am not real. As with all these things, there are degrees, a continuum. All the way from a one-time experience to a full-fledged disorder.

Today, I know for sure, that I've experienced both of these. And I know my anxiety is intrinsically related to these experiences. As my home life and parents' marriage disintegrated around me... my anxiety increased and I did experience what - at the time - I could only define as "surreal"; twilight zone type experience of "reality. But it was only after my mother refused to believe me about the rape and completely denied my physical/emotional injuries due to the rape - the gaslighting and what I experienced as complete invalidation of the reality of my SELF; what I KNEW happened... it was only then, that I started feeling like I wasn't real. I felt invisible...

The less important I felt to my parents, the less I mattered, the more I felt I wasn't real. And yet, the acute experience of this only lasted until I put "Twiggy" and her feelings away into the chinese box. To this day, I'm observing I experience this depersonalization... but it's much less severe and much more subtle.

And I wonder if I was smoking to feel real, to be in control over that state? Like pinching oneself, to see if I'm awake or dreaming...

more later - duty calls.

[Hopalong]

That makes so much sense to me, Amber.
You are thinking so productively.

Hope you like yourself a LOT. I like you a lot.

I just finished Abandoned, by Anya Peters.
It's a memoir, searing story of child abuse and survival...by the woman who wrote the blog Wandering Scribe.

Made me think of you, and GS, and so many others here.

I do recommend it.

love love love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Wish I had time to read, Hops... I'll file that away in my mental "to do" - Wandering Scribe...

I spoke too soon about getting back on the board from work. Still sorting out the tech issues... and I'm going to try something else. I'm logged in on my old dial-up machine... and I'm going to try logging out from here... see what else opens up.

When I said that you might've opened up something that'll send me back to my T - that's a GOOD thing. It's for some expert answers to questions I have... and that professional "reassurance" that I'm on the right trail. The dissociative part of Twiggy's experience is something that's accompanied by a lot of fear of "going crazy". And I think that is woven - together with the smoking - into my "whole cloth" of myself. It's not impenetrable, or so tangled that it can't be rewoven. In fact, it's much, much, much clearer than before.

When I get some time I want to search for studies on dissociation and the effects of nicotine. I'm pretty sure that smoking helped me "manage" the most severe stages of this, that I experienced due to all the trauma of that one isolated, time period. It became a "boundary" between me and "insanity" (my parents) that was outside of me, too. But just like my level of anxiety was too high for my current life and experiences... this solution isn't appropriate any longer, either. I only experienced an acute level of dissociation as a result of the trauma and how that trauma was handled by my mom. The rest of the time, my experiences were within the normal range - at least, normal for artist-types! LOL!!

I don't need my talisman... my old coping solution... now. And it is "going away"... not completely yet... but noticeably going away as I spend more time doing other things that I want to do. And the more I find out that it's more than just "ok" to do those things - the less I smoke again. New spiral, I guess.

Gots little time right now, coz I'm neck-deep in tech projects at school this week. Christmas this year, is the bare minimum and if I take any time off, it's going to be to sleep. Hubby's got a cold and I'm taking Zicam, hoping I don't get it before next week. And I talk to my probate "team" on Friday... and I sure hope they have some good news. I'm more than ready to give up this kind of work schedule.

Back as soon as I can.

[Hopalong]

Hi Amber,

http://www.rcplondon.ac.uk/pubs/books/nicotine/3-psychol.htm

xo

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I have been away for a while and have just read your first post of this tread only.  It is so thought provoking as are all of your threads PR.  I am not going to take the time to delve deeply at this time though what you are writing about is critical for me at this stage in my own life and I am simply posting to express my appreciation for your work and your sharing.

As an aside - I have made good progress but today am sliding back a little and yet as i read your post I felt a regeneration to push forward.  At long last, my entire upstairs is in great shape.  It is orderly and comfortable and I am amazingly thankful.  Now I must continue to push forward in the downstairs.

But I cannot log out without saying how thankful I am about the changes in your life that your father's estate willl provide for you.  I am so profoundly thankful to read about the effect it has on your attitude about your work and the release/relief it provides from your less than stellar "boss".  That freedom utopianly should be all of ours but because it is not I am joyous that it is at least yours for now.  How grand that you are able to sit back and perform your work w/o the enormous frustration of being forestalled by a superior who does not have the vision or the will to do the best thing.

Way to go.  How I wish great joy and success to you in the coming days, months and years.  Your friend - GS

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks GS...

Right now the estate stuff is still "virtual" for me. I've been hand to mouth so much, so long... that until I see a bank balance, it ain't real. Not yet. Too afraid of "jinxing" it, by assuming too much. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop and have it all disappear. SIGH.

Hope you get a chance to join in the thread soon... I've got more to post, and no time yet today. Been working in what seemed like isolation - and not happy isolation - due to the problems getting to the board. But, the gist of what I'm working on is very much clearer - and the worst of the revisiting now seems past. I think I "get it" now.

Hops' two "little" ideas connected with some post-it note tucked away in my brain and blew apart the resistance that's been holding me on that damned ledge, wishing to fly. I'll need some time to put my thoughts in order about it. I know it won't apply to everyone. Not everyone has gone through that level of dissociation. Like anything we've got in common, I think that there is a range or continuum to the experience and that everyone "tunes out" or spaces out, a bit. It's the same thing, only the degree varies.

It's interesting how it fits with my story.

[Gaining Strength]

Dear PR,

I will apologize up front, because this post is not a direct response to your posts or your thread but comes out of a strange place within my heart that is longing for connection and comfort.  IOW, it is about me rather than an empathetic reply to you.  But the three aspects mentioned in your initial post (competence, autonomy, and relatedness) have been in the forefront of my being the past several days.

The  concepts are not new nor news to me but the profundity and power of them is indescribable.  Competence and autonomy that are so lacking in my life, present and past, all go to relatedness.  The rage that I feel and have always felt has EVERYTHING to do with relatedness or lack thereof. 

In recent months I have had moments or windows into a sense of competence AND autonomy.  Within my philosophical framework a tiny moment can be nurtured and grown into a larger and larger presence and that of course is my goal.  BUT I also have a tendancy to slip back into that wretchedness that has been my life and it has EVERYTHING to do with relatedness.

I could (and should for my healing) write pages and pages on this issue of relatedness but in order to get done the things that loom before me this morning I simply have come here to express my utter frustration and pain that comes from the utter LACK of relatedness in my life. 

I have all kinds of techniques that I have developed to switch the unhealthy patterns of thought into healing patterns but for now the first step I long for is simply acknowleding the utter pain and destructive force and experience of being and feeling "unrelated".  Of course I come here, to this board, but more particularly to your thread because I have a deep sense of being connected here, within your words and your expressions.  I feel connected, related, here.  So I thank you for this place of comfort and for the dialogues that you have offered up here.  I have needed them and been nurtured by them as I do again today.  Thank you.

Now I can go on and claim some small bit of competence and autonomy b/c I have found some small sense of relatedness here.