I'd like to share this...

[Ami]

Dear Dawn
 This is my opinion . IF you want to go forward in a relationship with him, I think you have an excellent chance of resurrecting it and it having a better ending.
  I think you moved a little too fast for him and scared him off(as many women do)
 Women are wired differently when it come to commitments. It is our biology.
 I think you should call and just be light ,breezy and friendly.Let him start wanting to be involved with the great person YOU are, which I can tell you are.
 You have a lot to offer. Act with  confidence that he is fortunate to be spending time with you.
  Let him make the moves as he did when he said you could call. Let him take the lead and see what happens.
   Does any of it sound workable to you?       Ami

[Dawning]

Dear Ami,

I'd like to go forward with him in a friendship but I guess I'm not ready yet to open myself up again.  The last time I did that - and literally put my heart on the table, he blew me off and ended the initmacy which is really what I miss.   My gut instinct tells me not to call.  My trust in his words is not there anymore.  I want to believe he is a nice guy and my need for intimacy fuels my impulse to call.  The fact is that he needs to prove to me that he is a nice guy (if he wants to be a nice guy in my life) and I can have intimacy without sex as long as it's real and not contrived.

He can call me/email me when he can muster up the courage to do so.  And I am learning - ever so slowly - that to wait for this is self-destructive. 

I'm also not ready to be social right now. 

Maybe when all of this passes and my life has changed, I can call him.  But everyday that goes by and I don't hear from him is damaging to any hope of a friendship.  The ball is in his court now.  And if he ignores that ball or doesn't see its worth, then it will be his loss in the end.

I had a nice conversation on the phone last night with a fellow in Atlanta.  Too bad he doesn't live around here.

[Ami]

Dear Dawning
 You have a point. Let him call if he wants to go forward. If he wants to go forward badly enough he will call. If not, then it is better to let it go than have him lukewarm or you having to make all the moves.
 You have good sense , Dawning.
  A big part of my journey is learning to trust myself after my trust in myself was  derailed by my NM. I think you are listening to the still small voice within.
 If we have that, we have so much.Honestly, I would rather have myself than a relationship. My first goal is to find my solidity. I have lived being  empty for so long. It is a lot easier to find a relationship, even with a wonderful guy, than to find myself.I want to feel a sense of self  and no one can give it to me. That is the sad part, but  the good part ,too.
    Ami
 

[Hopalong]

My gut instinct tells me not to call.  My trust in his words is not there anymore.  I want to believe he is a nice guy and my need for intimacy fuels my impulse to call.

Dawning, my opinion:

Trust your guts.
Appreciate your intelligence about the need...and set about creating OTHER space/s in your life where you can experience closeness. In 3-D.

Even if it's a talk-group of Amazons, a meeting of some kind.

Something where people share at a real level.

If it's touch you miss...go give some.

So many young, old, animal bodies will respond gratefully.
The other kind, you'll have again.

He may have gotten your bonding hormones for a time.

But he doesn't deserve to keep them.

I respect your decision not to call and from all my repeated and repeated and repeated experiences of finding rationalizations to pursue men who had distanced themselves...

I can say I wish I had had the dignity to cut it cleanly, and never call, write, post-mortem, any of it...anything that left me yearning.

If you will weather it, it will pass. Just like weather.

love
Hops

[Ami]

I think you have a really good point about our dignity, Hops.
I think a man wants us to have dignity and a sense of self if he loves us and is a quality man.
For me ,dignity was lost a long time ago. It is a hard struggle to believe I deserve dignity and self regard. However, that is the more basic struggle than any relationship and the hardest.      Ami

[Dawning]

I respect your decision not to call and from all my repeated and repeated and repeated experiences of finding rationalizations to pursue men who had distanced themselves...

I can say I wish I had had the dignity to cut it cleanly, and never call, write, post-mortem, any of it...anything that left me yearning.

If you will weather it, it will pass. Just like weather.

Thank you, Hops.    This is very, very wise advice.  I feel that by distancing myself, I am proving that I am worth something to me.  Back in 1998, something similar happened to me.  Then again in 2004.  And now - similar parallels - in 2009.   What I am doing now is allowing myself to evolve, at my own pace into a place of genuine understanding about the whole situation.  In 1998 and 2004, I pursued men who had distanced themselves (after sexual intimacy) and this DID occur at the expense of my own dignity.  In fact, it made the situation down-right ugly.  In one case, my neediness opened me up to a full blown out explitative relationship that damn near destroyed my self-respect.  In the other, the man got so fed-up with my insistence on pursuing a friendship (after sex) that he knocked me down!  Having shared this, the only way to let go of 1998 and 2004 is to not repeat a similar strategy (however enfused with good intentions it may be  ) in 2009.  It IS like the development and learning of "new pathways in the brain," as Dr. G said.  It is almost revolutionary.  Once one lets go of sad/horrifying situations of the past, one is not likely keep getting involved in them again.  And this all sounds so good - written down like this - the fact is that 1) I am learning that to be slightly misanthropic is okay - it does not make me a recluse and it is not a pathology  2) what is important is the here and now  3) evaluating what people say or write is a powerful asset, although damn painful at times.

The weather analgoy is superb!

[Ami]

Thinking of you, Dawning.  Did you stay with your plan about contacting him? How are you feeling about it all?         Ami

[Dawning]

Hi Ami   et al,

Here is where it stands:  I breathe in and say, "the next one will be better."  and I breathe out and say, "let go."

I still wake up in the middle of the night with a heavy heart.  I sure wish that would go away.  It will - like the seasons.  Here, there are only two: winter, summer and the Santa Ana winds.  I don't know why but I don't like those winds.

Two things I have are vulnerability and courage.  Once I figure out a way to reconcile them, I'll be much happier.

p.s.  one day after his blunt phone call (towards the end of last month) a friend came to stay with me from overseas.  We are purely platonic but HE'S STILL HERE.  I told him last Friday that he had to leave at beginning of June because I need my own space.  Now, he's staying away all day and only comes back to sleep.  Should I think of him as a friend?

[Ami]

Dear (((Dawning)))
 The hardest relationship is the one with myself. It is so hard to love and honor myself when I was brainwashed with messages of worthlessness. My life problems seem to stem from that error in the way I view myself. It seems like you are having the same revelations.
 I don't really understand the question about your friend.
 Do you feel he is not a friend but using you for a hotel?
 It does seem that way on the surface.
 I have learned from a wise friend of mine  to check things out, to ask your friend,point blank what is going on. Maybe, he feels rejected. Maybe,he had deeper feelings for you.
 Sometimes, we are so surprised at what another person is thinking when we have the courage to ask. It takes  courage, for sure,but I have usually been  happy when I did.
 In my family, you could not check anything out. You would be rejected .Now, I can and when I care about s/one, I do. What is a relationship worth if you can't be honest. Tell me what you think .
       Love to you , Ami

[sKePTiKal]

It takes great courage to be vulnerable - especially "again" - after incurring a painful end to a relationship. That's one way to reconcile the two.

[Dawning]

I've decided to stay home tonight. 

My friend who is staying here is starting to consume the space.  It's not his fault.  I get angry and frustrated when he does chores around here without being asked.  Or when I think he assumes he knows more about my household than I do.  But he's basically a nice person, hasn't made a pass at me and (when I'm in the mood) we can have certain types of conversations that usually have to do with obscure people who were teachers of Plato or Socrates or have been left out of history books.  In a month, he will go back to Africa. 

I've been thinking about the phrase, "you get what you give."  sometimes it just doesn't make sense to me.  i'm having trouble seeing the silver lining.

The heavy heart thing is not as bad as it was two weeks ago.  Although I still wake up and feel old; very, very old.

i live in a small town.  today i went to the hot springs and no one was there so i got in naked.  30 minutes later, a high school student at the private school where i teach showed up.  i got out and left immediately.  i don't like walking on egg shells.  sometimes, i don't want to go outside because i'll just get in trouble. 

i feel unwanted a lot of the time.  there, i've said it. 

[Hopalong]

Hi Dawning,

I believe that saw "you get what you give" is a setup.

I think what the truth is, "you get what you give yourself."

If you give yourself compassion and love and comfort (see, that's not selfishness), I believe you'll attract it.

So if it's compassionate to set boundaries in one way or another, or to go out in the world to find positive friends and company because you're lonely...

Then you're loving yourself.

Compassion
love
comfort

Give that to yourself.

See what happens.

love,
Hops