I'd like to share this...

[Dawning]

Hello Dear Board Members.  I want to share a response that I wrote today to a letter I received a week ago.  (The 3rd paragraph really has me in a state of dismay.)  I hope you don't mind my sharing the letter.  Please let me know your thoughts and feelings when you get a chance.   Love, Dawning.

========================================


If someone could offer me a reason why grown-ups aren't allowed to have feelings and present them honestly and openly, I would like to hear it. Until then, feel away!

As for that woman, maybe you projected your wants and needs of the kind of long-lasting relationship you want onto her. You don't need to settle for less than what you are worth. It sounds like she is a jerk - at least now.

I'm going through something with a guy who has gotten his pains of life inside my head. The heart-thing I am getting over but the last communication I've had from him was all about friendship ("I feel honored to have you as a friend") and "I'll call you." And every day that goes by and he doesn't call just to say hello and *I care about you as a friend* is diminishing the trust I have in his words. It is very depressing. Would be easier if I had friends around me for support. Well, things will change.

I really need to keep looking for another job too. This last year of my life, I feel like I've given too much and been taken advantage of and used. So I am keeping my power close to me.

I have a friend staying but all I can give is the occassional conversation and a sofa to sleep on. No need to apologize. It is not nonsense. I think you and I would do well to not be so nice to weaker people - they can be very insensitve, unappreciative and cruel. It seems like one has to be a bitch (to some degree) or people will take what they can get and leave.

Of course, I could be wrong but that is how I feel now. Thanks for YOUR long-lasting friendship.

[Ami]

Dear ((((Dawning))))
 I am not sure I understand your question . Could you ask it in a more specific way or maybe it is just me and I am just being dense. Anyway, I would like to help if I could.    Ami

[Izzy_*now*]

hi dawning,
I suspect you might not be over the heart-thing as you profess, or his absence of contact would not hurt as much as it appears to?

Is that the problem?
Iz

Having other friends around could work 2 ways, make you angry with them as they are not him, or take up enough of your time to help you forget him easier.

[lighter]

I don't have any advice.... just a hug and reminder to check your expectations.

((()))

Mo2

[Dawning]

I suspect you might not be over the heart-thing as you profess, or his absence of contact would not hurt as much as it appears to?

Is that the problem?
Iz

Having other friends around could work 2 ways, make you angry with them as they are not him, or take up enough of your time to help you forget him easier

All I can say is that I feel the pain most in my head (get headaches, brain hurts) when I think about the words he used after he decided to stop seeing me (or at least he thinks he did - he actually beat me to it) and then sent me all this crap that I have since ripped up and thrown away.    When I think about THAT, my brain hurts so I figured he tried/is trying to play a mind game with me.  Or he's gloating over the fact that not only did he get away with it but that he was able to send some scented bullshit in the mail in the form of a card and a crooning b/day msg on my voicemail.  Occassinally, I feel pain in my heart but it's mostly in my head these days.

Having other friends around is challenging as I don't have many, having just spent a year teaching at a place where I've not been able to make friends with a soul and being tired after work all the time.  In fact, that was one of the reasons that made me so vulnerable to being emotional raped and singled out by him in the first place.  Still, I should have known better.  Seeing him certainly made things worse but now they can only get better.

The friends I do have around are, unfortunately, mostly male.   I am so fed up with talking to anyone right now.  One of them is visiting from Africa (I have known him for years) and all I can do drink tea occassionally and give him some conversation that might cheer me up as well. 

Yes, I'm angry.  I wish the person who screwed with my head just to save his own f*cking self-obsession would hurry up and die. 

Dawning.

[Ami]

Dear Dawning
 I am going to put s/thing out there which some people will not agree with.
 Too many women become sexual with a man before the man commits.  Women, by the nature of  being female, bond after they have sex.  Men can have sex and no bonding.
 The woman thinks the man is as bonded as she is after sex,but he isn't. The women feels very betrayed and violated.
  This thought came to me when I heard the depth of your pain and betrayal.
  Just a thought and I may be entirely off base.    Ami

[Dawning]

 

I am going to put s/thing out there which some people will not agree with.
 Too many women become sexual with a man before the man commits.  Women, by the nature of  being female, bond after they have sex.  Men can have sex and no bonding.
 The woman thinks the man is as bonded as she is after sex,but he isn't. The women feels very betrayed and violated.
  This thought came to me when I heard the depth of your pain and betrayal.
  Just a thought and I may be entirely off base.    Ami

Thanks Ami.  Certainly I think hardly anyone could disagree with the above. 
However, at what point is something a little off-kilter?  I met the man in question in June.  We started a sexual relationship in November.  I trusted him and felt it was "real" and he obviously has severe control issues to get out of the relationship so quickly and orchestrate the "break up" as all his doing.  Now I feel like I was set up to have a broken heart and being set up hurts more than anything else.

What is at the root of it all is my vulnerability.  I am middle-aged, single with no children or family and live with two cats.  I just gave up my 17 year life of community and friends and moved back to the states which required crossing the ocean.  Very easy prey, if I am not careful. 

I am really starting to think that this world is losing its collective heart and that only some of us embody any shreds of it left.

Hmm..

Dawning

[Hopalong]

I am really sorry, Dawning...
you deserve community, an armada of Amazons.

I hope you can find your way to a community of women friends
(from which you can eventually SAFELY venture out for romance).

I am very sorry he hurt and dumped you.

I think his treacly messages should be cut off...block email.
Tell him you want No Contact.

You will heal...

love
Hops

[Ami]

Dear ((Dawning))
 I can see how you felt so vulnerable. I am just starting to face the truth about myself, relationships and life. I was so lost in numbness that I made poor decisions.
 My hope is that as I grow, I will make better choices.
 He is a part of your history. We all have that history with it's mistakes.
 Keep sharing Dawning. It helps me to share and hopefully it will help you, too.       Love to you  Ami

[Dawning]

Thanks Ami and Hops,

I will keep sharing...

Just out of curiosity, do you think some people actually think, "wow. got him/her to kiss my ass and now they are right where I want them.  I could care less about how they feel now but I feel really pleased with myself because I am so clever about saying all the right things and maintaining my belief system of love, peace and friendship and I don't have to do a damn thing now with this relationship because she let me get away with murder so it's all her fault and I don't have to prove the truth of my words anymore.  Done.  Whopee!  I got laid and it was really good sex too but I didn't really like her, I just pretended to - and she was so easy for the picking because she was so vulnerable and so damn nice.  Well, whatever.  Aint my problem anymore.   HAHAHA!  I can't wait to get laid tonight by a 30-something chocolate babe."  (This is just an example.  I hope the sentiment comes through loud and clear.)

Do they never think that they are a) hiding behind their words  b) intentionally f*cking with someone by leaving the door open with an "I'll call you later" sentence, c) lying obviously, d) not listening to the person or even treating them like a person.  e) sending very profound sentiments of honoring the friendship and treasuring our time together and not realizing how detrimental it is to lie.

It is okay.  It is all okay.  What hurts is that he CAN lie.  The friendship never meant anything to him. 

Someone said to me once, "it is wrong to take advantage of the loneliness of a woman."  He was from India and I met him for dinner once in Tokyo.  Never saw him again.  I would add, "it is wrong to take advantage of ANYONES' good nature." 

I have hurt some people.  I certainly didn't tell them what great people they were, how honored I was to have them as a friend or some other really nice-smelling bullshit that rings hollow  (I suspect it is just a way to get them off the hook.)  I looked them straight in the eye and asked for their forgiveness.  The ones who could forgive themselves and me could look right back at me in the eyes and say, "yes, I forgive you." 

What is the difference between people who can do the above and people who cannot?

Thanks for being open to me in my time of pain.  I'll get through this.  I am learning.   -Dawning

p.s.  the man who i have trust issues with now...he and I hang in a large circle of people nationwide.  I think that is the reason he wrote those scented bullshit letters to me.  However, I do not intend to bring this up with ANY of our mutual acquaintances.  Why bother, amen.

[lighter]

Dawning:

Of course there are people without conscience in this world.

Lots of them.

It's your responsibility to view them, and their behavior, with clarity.

To not make excuses for poor/rude/confusing behavior.....

to identify it for what it is and reject it, without drama or offer of second chances.

It's difficult to know what you're looking at, without proper context.

Most everyone on this board has enough context for a lifetime.

We need to trust ourselves, know what a proper boundary is, put it in place and defend it like a mama bear defending her cub.

Mindfully.

Resolutely.

Without fail.

Try not to waste your youth worrying about good and evil in the world.

We can't have one without the other, they're both here to stay.   

Instead, learn how to choose worthy people.... how to establish lasting relationships.

How to forgive yourself for giving your trust to an unworthy person.

Your expectations need to line up with reality, yes?

(((Dawning)))

Time to stop repeating mistakes......

and make some new ones.

Mo2

ps..... Be angry, get in the shower and keen like a wild animal, get it all out... the kitties won't mind: ) 

Then turn your energy to something more positive. 

Don't suffer that fool man twice. 

Once is enough.  ::nod::

[Ami]

Dear Dawning
 The man may have been a jerk or may have fallen in love fast and fallen out when he realized you were not perfect i.e. were a real woman,not a fantasy women.
 My guess is that he was sincere when he told you all those things but had issues of his own that made him run . You will never know what demons inside himself he might have been fleeing from.
 Many men think they have found the perfect women but then when she has flaws(as we all do) or a relationship gets hard( as they all do) he figures that she was not the perfect women after all and goes off looking for another perfect women.
 I bet he has a long history of this. Does he?      Ami
 

[Dawning]

Hi Ami,

What you said above is very insightful.  The only history I know of his is 1) he fell in love with a woman who dumped him for his best friend when they were all roommates centuries ago.  She married the best friend and had two children with him and they are still married.  This man and this couple are today very good friends apparently.  2) He has maintained contact with all of his exes.  3) He spoke of their "issues" alot except for the last one before me.  He never said anything critical about her.  None of these exes have boyfriends/husbands that I know of. 

Two nights before he called me to say, "I just want to be friends," he called to say, "I love you and we'll work through this together."  I don't know what happened in between.  He did say that although no one is perfect, he is looking for someone without any issues.  What I told him a few days earlier was that I thought he was stringing me along and that, whenever he spoke about us, he always used the past tense and I wondered why.  That made him angry.  He said I was mis-reading him.

After this occurrence, he sent me the card.  You may be right.  And it is up to me to work through this and realize what I've learned. 

Other things he said which were weird to me were:

"I let XXXX sleep with me" (before me)
"I'm a good catch."
"I saw XXX the other day but we just saw each other, nothing romantic."

Come to think of it, he was honest with me up until the very end.  When I put my heart on the table and spoke of my insecurities, he didn't want anything to do with them.  Ever since then, I have been hurt.

I love this board but please go easy on me here.  I know I projected what I wanted onto him and that was ridiculous.  It is a testament to my own feelings of loneliness, isolation and circumstances.  But I couldn't go on much further feeling like I had to carry his weight as well as my own but that's how it felt and I don't know why.  When I met him, I was light and easy-going.  I didn't jump into things too fast.  It was a half year down the road, after we had become friends, that I entered his dwelling (which felt very safe to me) and an expectation was naturally created that something beautiful would happen.  There is the truth. 

And now this weirdness.  I betrayed myself too.  But his words still seem hollow to me.  I don't know why.

Dawning.

[Hopalong]

Hey, hon...

You go easy on yourself too, okay?
I think your anger is natural and I totally understand it. Your pain, too.

I have been so devastated after rejection that I was frightened by my pain.
It shook me to the core a couple times. Once, I didn't want to live it hurt so badly.

The last time, about 5 years ago I think, with the most serious Nman...I did hit bottom.
I never want to lose myself in love again. I just want a companionable, comfortable-shoe kind of love.
More spiritually and community based than romance-based.

I never wanted that before. I wanted something beautiful, special, unique and magical.
I wanted to be swept away by a tide of oneness -- it would cure everything that was wrong with me and give me everything I lacked.

I was sooooo ripe for being used by an Nman. I'm not, now.

I think the man you were with sounds pretty exploitative. I think he also sounds very unaware.
His comments about previous women, and the blockbuster self-absorbed one: I want a woman with no issues.

NO ISSUES! SHOW ME AN ADULT HUMAN BEING WITH NO ISSUES!!!!!!!

MORON!!!!!!!

('Scuse me. Ahem. But that kind of remark kind of annoys me.)

I love your Indian friend. It's really wrong to take advantage of anyone's loneliness.

The worst thing, for me, was being left completely and fully responsible for myself. Emotionally.

I had no choice but to crawl out of it, one jagged knee-drag at a time.

The Amazons helped. A lot.

This may be a chapter heading in your book, dear Dawning...but it ain't the whole story.

love to you, and a big hug and cuppa something,

Hops

[Dawning]

Thanks Hops. 

I'm also hurt because I feel dumped for a younger woman - the one he was seeing before me.  Whether that is true or not,  I don't know.

It is just painfully interesting that he spoke ill of two exes (and now, me) TO ME.  He did not speak ill of his love of centuries ago but said that he moved out so she and his best friend could start their coupling and he could preserve the friendship.  When he first told me that, I thought it a very noble and admirable thing to do.

Ex #1:  he said they fought alot when they lived together but now they are friends.  she takes alot of meds, he said.

Ex #2:   he said she has "anger issues" and they fought alot.

Me (another EX or just an object?)  His projection onto me of the low-maintenance/I -don't- need -to -take -care- o-f he-r feelings woman.  More to the point, I don't have to care at all with this one - very convenient.  (And I played along for awhile because I didn't think I was worth caring about) When I expressed that I didn't feel cared for, he said he just wanted to be friends. 

Chocolate younger babe:  He said she was abandoned by her father and showed me pictures of her "holding her little stuffed rabbit" instead of her father who was never around.  The care in his voice for this woman was evident.  I thought it was noble and admirable to care for someone.  I thought he had feelings for me, though, that were just as strong. 

NEITHER WAS MINE!  MY FATHER EXITED MY LIFE BY CHOICE WHEN I WAS 4 YEARS OLD.  I HAD PLENTY OF STUFFED ANIMALS THAT I NEEDED.   What this man said to me about that:  "Good luck working things out with your dad."

Just need to get alot of this off my chest.  Thanks everyone for helping me work through this.

Dawning