Coming back to the present.

[Lupita]

Like some make trips to the past or the future, I have lived in the past all my life and making a few trips to the present.

Today, I am trying, (just trying is not enough) to come bakc to present and stay.

My present today is:

I am on summer vacation.

I have one more month in this beautiful apartment.

I have to prepare for next school year staring in August.

I need to deal with W. It is not fair that he is nurturing hopes about me.

I need to cultivate a new and healthy relationship with my son. He is everyday distant from me because I am coinstantly sad and he needs encouragement and he needs happyness around me sop he can have a desire to be with me again. But if I give him depressed moments and sadness he is going to hate his moments with me.


OK, I am tired or my sad attitud and crying for the past and a mother I do not have instead of trying to have a betrter present.

I am tired of my self.

I thought that my first priority was to have a nice relationship with my son. but that is wrong, my foirst priority is to feel well, so I can have a good relationshipw ith my son. Like the airplanes, if the oxygens mask come out, you have to place the one for you first before you start helping others. If you do not breath ou cannot help others.

That is why, to be able to give my son happy moments, I need to be happy, or at least, reaonably happy, or jjust at peace.

But I have been depressed and sad for so many years, that it is difficult to redirect my self to focus on "feeling good"

I want to feel good. I do nmot want to feel sorry for my self. I am not a victime anymore. I was a victime, but I am not a victim anymore.

I need to feel good.

Thank you for any tips in feeling better. I would appreciate any tips on feeling better.

I am listening positive CDs, abd will write my mantras, any ideas for mantras?

I will do positive affirmations in the morning. I will write inb all over my place. I will write a journal, I will yell, I want to fell good.


I will look in the mirror and say "I want to feel good"


I want to feel good.
Any other ideas?

[Saraa]

Hi Lupita:

I think your choice to live in the present is a good start. 

[lighter]

Lupita:

Your relationship with yourself is the priority.

Your relationship with your son is..... well.

When you think about it, your finding more calm and happiness,with yourself,can only improve your relationship with him.

W's a big boy. 

Give him honest information about your feelingsand let him make his own big boy decisions.

You aren't responsible for him,though I understand the pain you might feel when he's upset and blaming you for it......
 
or even worse,

still harboring hope after you've clearly outlined your feelings and not outright blaming you for it.

Try to pay attention to Lupita and what is Lupita's responsibilityi].

Mo2

Have you read any good books on healthy boundaries lately?

[sKePTiKal]

Lupita, here's something to feel good, that worked for me... maybe it will work for you too.

Find things to feel grateful about. It's a nice day where I live, today - sun's out, it's comfortably warm with a gentle breeze blowing. The little wrens that raised a batch of baby birds in the bird house I put out for them are back - and I think they're nesting again. I'm getting ready to mow my lawn... and couldn't ask for better weather. The exercise will feel good and I so like my space to be neat and tidy (but seldom have that opportunity). My hibiscus has 8 blooms on it this week.

And maybe most importantly, I'm on the outside of the ground today! Lots of things I CAN do... and I don't "have to" think about the ones I "can't". Not just this second. Later.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita
 The first thing I would do is accept that you are hurting. You  are hurting b/c you have shut down your connection to yourself(IME)
 Inside you is a vital joyful child.Your NM made it feel that it was ugly and bad.
 Connecting with the real you will give you your answers.
 You have everything you need inside -----intelligence, sense of humor, insight,common sense etc. You just don't trust it. Practice trusting yourself on very small things.
 See that you are NOT what your M told you.
 Challenge it by risking and then having a very safe person to go to as a child would have a M. Make sure the person really "gets" you. Build connection and safety with him/her.
 I am doing this and healing.           Ami

[ann3]

"Like some make trips to the past or the future, I have lived in the past all my life and making a few trips to the present.

Today, I am trying, (just trying is not enough) to come bakc to present and stay."

That is beautiful.

Ironically, I think that the more I worked to find the deep center & source of my pain, the happier I felt.  I think I felt happier because the source of my pain/sadness was no longer a mystery to me:  I could identify & name the source of my pain:  my dysfunctional foo.  Since I could identify & name it, I could move on to remedy the damage.  I think the worst is feeling sad & hurt but not knowing why.  

Even though healing work can make us feel sad, there is also a joy in discovering what went wrong in our lives because, now we can identify it & name it; it's no longer a mystery.  And, now that we've solved the mystery, we can change.  And, once we change, we have a chance to truly & authentically feel happy.

[Lupita]

Mof2, Sara, Ami, Ann, and PR, thank you for your responses.

Today is day eleven after I came back from "home". Yesterday was the first day I went out. It took me ten days to start going out. I still feel sad. But more rational about it. yesterday I went to a Greek work shop to leanr Greek dances. I liked it.

I have been in bed all day for ten days and eating like crazy. Gained almost 20 lb. But I start today to decrease my portions and exercise a little, not much for the tissues healing in my face.

Still swollen. Not much pain, just a little.

But I am surpiresed how much it took me to recover or better said to start recovering to start just getting out of bed and do something.

I do not know how much good it does to have my friend W with me so often.

[lighter]

It sounds like having him around a little less might be a good idea, Lupe.

Pick and choose the things that you enjoy the most.

Glad to hear you're healing and finally getting up and out.

Sounds like autonomy can only help the situation with W.

((((Lupita))))

Mo2

[Lupita]

I need to be autonomous. MO2, how do I do that?

I feel very bad today.

No apartment of my desire, waited too much. W is mad. My son is mad. My family does not love me.

I have nothing.

I guess that destiny is malking a decision for me. Destiny is obligating me to be autonomous by depriving me of any support.

I am still swollen, cant go in the ocean soince I still have tender wounds.

Cant go dancing, fractured toe.

I am on vacation. So, I need to use this time to meditate, to find my purpose in life, to become autonomous, I guess.

 

[Ami]

I don't know if everyone has this but there is an abyss inside me that I go in to when I feel "alone" in the sense of not connected to a Significant Other.
 I feel like the other person can pull me form the abyss ,in some way,to make me acceptable to myself. He can sanitize me in a way that I don't have to hate myself.
 I just thought of this and it sounds crazy,probably, but I bet s/one can understand.
 It is like I am NOT OK unless s/one tells me I am.         Ami

[lighter]

Lupita:

The time you spend alone.....

may be painful and sad and uncomfortable.....

but the pain signifies growth, IME.

Do not be afraid.

You can handle this, though it's scary and feels as though you won't survive.

You'll come out stronger.

Know this.

Meditation, and perhaps a good T, sound like just the ticket to take some of the anxiety and fear out of a very rough part of your journey.

That your still recovering from surgery makes W's ultimatum that much more innapropriate, IMO.

Lupita is strong enough to survive on her own.

She just doesn't know it yet.

M02

ps  Please begin journaling if you haven't got that habit yet.

We're here for you, ((Lupe))


You'll dance and smile again.

I promise: )

[Lupita]

Not only that but the choir director in my church played a bad trick to me. She poked me on the shoulde and gave me abook when I was playing the doxology and caused me to miss up. Also, she shhhhhh me very strongly so everybody can hear during the service in front of everybody in public when she had no right to do it. She has mistreated me forever. But the choir people allow her to mistreat me.

So, that just adds up to my sadness.

No family, no W, disappointed in the controlness of W, no apartment of my desire, very lonely.

Theonly good thing is that I am heal;thy. Just ganied a lot of weight.

broken toe, no dancing, no ocean, tender wounds and scares, no sun, for wounds and scars.

It is a bad time that W used to give me an ultimatum. I am very dsiappointed of him.

Very sad. Very lonely.

[Lupita]

On top, my son moved in with his new girlfriend. Who knows what is going to happen. My son did not want me to visit the new apartment. The girlfriend's mother was with them all the time. She could be there and help and accompany them. I was not allowed not even to visit the new apartment.

Again isolated. By the person I love the most in my life.

[Ami]

That must REALLY hurt. I want to ask you a question. You were a wonderful M to your son. I would have died for a M like you.Does your son have confidence?        Ami

[lighter]

Lupita:  Has your son been by to see you during your recovery?

Is he planning to help you move?

I remember the trouble between you and your son's gf and gfm......

have things been going smoothly with the new gf?

If you think so...... then there's a couple possibilities.

1.  He's trying to ensure peace by keeping his M and gf separate this time.

2.  You've been a little more judgmental/needy/insert whatever, than you think.  I don't know and I'm not saying you've been needy or judgmental, I just want you to think about recent patterns with your son.

I'm not judging you...... but I hear your angst and frustration and you need to be aware, esp of how your actions affect your relationships....

 so you can improve/change them.....

 if that's part of the equation.

Things can get better. 

You just have to start making different choices.

((Lupita))  You came back with a face you love, gifted to you by a friend.

Please nurture yourself and keep working on self care...... finding new connections and things you love to do.

Journal so you're really centered for your upcoming T appt.

On top, my son moved in with his new girlfriend. Who knows what is going to happen. My son did not want me to visit the new apartment. The girlfriend's mother was with them all the time. She could be there and help and accompany them. I was not allowed not even to visit the new apartment.

Again isolated. By the person I love the most in my life.