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Author Topic: Healthy N  (Read 3181 times)

Ami

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Healthy N
« on: July 16, 2009, 02:48:17 PM »
 I feel close to feeling and touching Healthy N in me. It feels scary to love and honor yourself, to put your needs first. It feels wrong and selfish .However, I think it must be the way healthy people live.
Steve wrote a thread about being your own universe. I tried to explain that to s/one and they didn't understand but I think that is what healthy N is. It is being your own universe ,first.
 If anyone understands what I mean, I would love to hear your thoughts.     Ami
 
« Last Edit: July 16, 2009, 04:46:50 PM by Ami »
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2009, 03:42:12 PM »
The Voiceless person needs the self to be validated in order to feel they EVEN exist.They don't  exist within themselves.I  get this. The search for the bad relationship is the search to be seen, to BE, finally.
          Ami
« Last Edit: July 16, 2009, 04:47:15 PM by Ami »
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2009, 07:43:19 AM »
I think finding Healthy N is  exciting . A person with Healthy N has confidence and authenticity. They are expressing their own unique imprint on the world. Is this topic interesting to anyone else?
 I know it is the second time around but it seems to be such a crucial topic for overcoming voicelessness.       Ami
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

SilverLining

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #3 on: July 17, 2009, 01:30:41 PM »
Quote from: Ami on July 17, 2009, 07:43:19 AM
Is this topic interesting to anyone else?
 

Hi Ami.  I think it's an interesting topic.  In my own exploration I've come to see how I've automatically discounted my own needs in favor of the needs of the N's in my life.  It's like I had a voice programmed in my head telling me I always had to put them first.  I made excuses for them in my own internal dialogue, and told myself I had to put up with their s... out of familial obligation or guilt.  But finally I started to realize, their problems and needs are THEIR problems.  All the guilt and obligation is just a story I'm telling myself.   If they are unhappy it really isn't my concern and it certainly isn't something I can solve.  This may be somewhat "N-ish" but it seems to me a healthy and necessary separation.       

« Last Edit: July 17, 2009, 06:28:02 PM by SilverLining »
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Ami

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #4 on: July 17, 2009, 08:22:26 PM »
Thank you Silver Lining.              Hugs , Ami
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2009, 08:31:34 AM »
Last night, I went out for drinks. I kept telling myself " I am special and I matter(healthy N)".  I MUST be special to me, be my best friend .I got a glimpse that other people, even healthy ones, doubt. My M gave me  a black/white perspective . I had flaws so I was "bad".
 I have been an object to  an N   my whole life.
 I developed a dependent personality . I felt I had to please everyone so THEY would not become a monster like my M . I had to make sure that no one ever got jealous . I had to make myself small .
I see from my guitar teacher that healthy confidence is OK. It is part of healthy N.
If s/one is jealous, they can't hurt me unless *I* take it in.
I am so tired with all these lessons . I am glad I have a place to share even if most people don't seem interested in the topic.   Ami

 
« Last Edit: July 18, 2009, 10:42:22 AM by Ami »
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

seasons

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2009, 04:46:51 PM »

Getting any good attention was always very, very painful for me. A simple compliment made we want to go under the table.
Maybe in my mind that was trained by N's, took as being like them (the lime light) or I was so little I didn't deserve it.
I never wanted them jealous, little sister got that, oh NO!

love seasons
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"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
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Ami

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2009, 05:15:09 PM »
Dear Seasons
 Your post really helped me. I have done SO many crazy things to deflect my M's jealousy.It was really a game in my own mind.
 For example, in college I could have graduated summa cum laude but I screwed up my finals so I could go down to cum laude. If I looked attractive I was afraid s/one would hurt me . I would get panic attacks.
 My M wanted me to be attractive but not TOO attractive. She wanted me to be smart but not too smart. I always had to walk a fine line  so she would not hurt me.I had to make her proud of me so she could feel good about herself. This was the major FOO rule. She must feel good about herself or she would rage and become a monster.
 This is the first time in my life that I can wear a form fitting dress and not feel afraid s/one will hurt me.
 I really cannot believe HOW sick I was.It is scary to see.
  It does give me more of an understanding of  N's b/c they are really stuck as I was.
     XXOO   Ami
 
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2009, 05:26:47 PM »
((Seasons))
 I forgot an important thing . *I* was SO afraid of having ANY N traits that I did the opposite. I had to make myself small so the introjects(My M's voice in my head) would not decimate me.It hurt so much to hear my M's voice,"Who do you think you are?". It made me want to hide in shame that I had dared to like myself.
 I had to  placate and get approval as a way of  feeling I had  value b/c I could not value myself b/c that seemed like N.
 I was so afraid of being an N that I destroyed my identity. That is why healthy N is so important to me.         Ami
 
 
« Last Edit: July 18, 2009, 05:34:14 PM by Ami »
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

seasons

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #9 on: July 19, 2009, 11:20:26 PM »
Quote
I was so afraid of being an N that I destroyed my identity. That is why healthy N is so important to me.         Ami
 


You have described exactly what I have experienced in my life. You opened a jammed door for me.

The more I learn about myself, my pain, words and explanations that help explain so many "whys" in my life...........  liberating and powerful.

((to you! as you regain your right to be the best you can be with your head held high)) seasons ox
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"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
Maya Angelou

Ami

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2009, 07:33:15 AM »
Oh ((Seasons)))
 I am so glad this thread means s/thing special to you.
  I am going to try to live life through my OWN belly button(my own perceptions not what I was told I should think and feel). I was starting to do this at 13 but my F roped me in to my M's reality and I have never gotten out. Then, I married an N and got in to another "unreality".
 Healthy people trust their guts. They operate from the inside out.
 Maybe, you and I can go on an adventure together and share our experiences.
 I am going out more. Last week, I went out three times with different groups of people.
 I had stopped interacting as much as I could b/c it hurt too much to need so much approval, to be so dependent  . I knew it was screwy but I was locked in to a pattern of dependency  like I had been with my M.      Ami
« Last Edit: July 21, 2009, 01:39:40 PM by Ami »
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2009, 01:41:48 PM »
I have decided that I am going to say,"Screw it" to worrying about being  N. I am going to be more N. I am going to be confident and value myself. I have always  CALLED that N.
 I am going to arm myself with it.      XXOO  Ami
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

sKePTiKal

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #12 on: July 22, 2009, 06:55:38 AM »
Go for it!

I think you'll find, nothing "bad" will happen... only human stuff.
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Ami

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #13 on: July 22, 2009, 08:31:44 AM »
I have a weird question. I am  embarrassed to ask but need to.
My  background ,as most of us , was being shamed for our thoughts and feelings(our true selves) so we became a false self.
 My question is that I think I am becoming a real self . I wonder if I AM bad because of the feelings I have which I will explain.
 Here is one example. My girl friend needed me for something.  I WAS there as best as I could but INSIDE did not want to be bothered. 
  I mostly DO the right thing.
 My feelings and thoughts are what torment me in to thinking I am bad.
 That is my question.     Ami
 
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

ann3

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Re: Healthy N
« Reply #14 on: July 22, 2009, 09:22:43 AM »
Hi Ami

My trip was delayed, leaving today.

" I WAS there as best as I could but INSIDE did not want to be bothered.  "

OMG!!!!! IMO, this type of thinking is probably the worst, most "life stealing" aspect of having a co-dep, dysfunctional foo.

So, here's the deal: 

DON'T DO ANYTHING YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO!!!!!!

DON'T SAY YES WHEN YOU WANT TO SAY NO!!!!!  

It feels really weird at first, made me feel very guilty because I PUT MySELF FIRST!!!!   But, little by little, I am saying "no" to invitations & requests that either I don't have time for &/or I DON'T WANT to do!!!!!  Doing this re-affirms my 'self'. makes me feel like a person of free will, not a slave.

Ami, please go to the book store, or amazon.com & find some books on being self assertive & please read more about co-depdnc.  It's a whole new world & it'll change (even more) how you feel about you!!!!!!!

love to you,
ann
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