Acting out

[Anonymous]

So here I am at the advanced age of...well, at an advanced age, still covering up. I never thought about it that way, but I do have time to think because I'm an underachiever. On the plus side, I always wanted rooms full of books, up to the ceiling, and now I've discovered that not only can I have them, but those nice folks at the library are even willing to store, catalog, and dust them for me.

I practically live in libraries. One reason I like my underachieving job is the access to libraries. A former therp. suggested that libraries are my maternal caregivers. I love being anonymous in a library. And I sure love library sales.

bunny

[Singer]

It would take a lobotomy to remove the sneaky part of my brain, and even then I'm pretty sure it would grow back. I even find myself sneaking to the bathroom at work. I don't throw things in the company wastebasket; I take my mistakes home with me and dispose of them in the apartment dumpster after dark. Ok, sometimes I do it in broad daylight, I'm not really that far gone.

I love being anonymous in a library.

I can relate to that. The library was, and happily still is, the one place where everyone minds their own business. Mine is a sanctuary only lacking a bell tower and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Actually only lacking a bell tower, now that I think about it. After awhile I think you figure out that acting-out isn't going to work. It just gives them a better target. My nmother talks about how, when I was around 4 years old, she taught me to put my clothes in the hamper by taping my used underwear to the living room wall when I left in on the floor. Then in the next breath she'll say "You were such a shy and self-conscious child. I don't know where you got it from." I think I'm ready for my lobotomy now.

Singer

[Anonymous]

I grew up being invisable, I was told children are seen but not heard. As a child I took that literally!!! As an adult I did too but when my needs were'nt being met I acted out in many ways. At 20 through 25 years I was still the invisable child, at 30 through 39 I was the grown up that forgot that she was and I have acted out with going as far as losing a (stupid job) that I had had for almost 7 years because they took advantage of my good nature.  I am a workacholic, not great with a checking account ( but learning), and I am scared of everything ( but I have been working on that). Between 40-41 I have learned to not act out and try and listen and speak up when I want my needs met. Ask questions, don't stress my self out because this has all been normal for so long that my mind and body think it's normal (acting out). I have got a new job I have had for over 6 months and since I got to have a clean slate I thought I would try what I have been saying and learning and you know what it works. I have made many friends at my new job, I don't let people walk all over me, I speak up for myself, I listen to others when they have a problem or are just sharing, I don't always have to be the one with the "problems", I am the person everyone comes to for answers. This is progress and still I feel at times of acting out but I am learning still that acting out is not normal it is a choice and I control how I am feeling, getting needs met, spending money, I make the choices and live with them. Acting out only makes things worse. lesson learned!  It is a work in progress but I feel on top of the world most days! kelly

[Dawning]

BT wrote:

Thank god… I have remained friends with this person all these years, and when I came into deeper awareness, was able to sit him down, and in tears of pain (because I felt soooo bad) apologize for everything, naming specific wrongs I did, in detail, and explaining where I felt it all came from.. Very healing for us both & changed my life for the best (I would have always felt so, so bad about this).

I understand where you are coming from.  I want to send an email to my ex-partner (who now is married and lives in Europe) to explain where my *acting out* all came from and apologize for any pain I may have caused.  It sounds like it helped you.

Does anyone on the board have any comments as to whether sending him an email would be a good idea or not?  I've written it but I haven't sent it - because quite a bit of time has elapsed - and I don't want him to think that I am *dumping* on him.  

kelly wrote:

Between 40-41 I have learned to not act out and try and listen and speak up when I want my needs met. Ask questions, don't stress my self out because this has all been normal for so long that my mind and body think it's normal (acting out). I have got a new job I have had for over 6 months and since I got to have a clean slate I thought I would try what I have been saying and learning and you know what it works. I have made many friends at my new job, I don't let people walk all over me, I speak up for myself, I listen to others when they have a problem or are just sharing, I don't always have to be the one with the "problems", I am the person everyone comes to for answers. This is progress and still I feel at times of acting out but I am learning still that acting out is not normal it is a choice and I control how I am feeling, getting needs met, spending money, I make the choices and live with them. Acting out only makes things worse. lesson learned! It is a work in progress but I feel on top of the world most days!

kelly, kelly, kelly!!!         Thanks for this message and all its positivity.    


Thank you to everyone who has replied so far.  The part about liking libraries was truly insightful and I will reply in more detail a bit later.

Btw, I have started taking some *method* acting workshops with a small group of people.  This is a very good outlet for my energy.  I just wish I could take them everyday as they are very therapeutic as well as creative.  The next set of workshops begins in the middle of this month.  I am SO looking forward to them.

[bunny]

I understand where you are coming from.  I want to send an email to my ex-partner (who now is married and lives in Europe) to explain where my *acting out* all came from and apologize for any pain I may have caused.  It sounds like it helped you.

Does anyone on the board have any comments as to whether sending him an email would be a good idea or not?  I've written it but I haven't sent it - because quite a bit of time has elapsed - and I don't want him to think that I am *dumping* on him.

It's only right to make amends when it won't disturb the other person. If you think his wife wouldn't mind, if it's in his highest interests and that of his family, then send it. If it's mainly to make you feel better, then don't send it. I have found that apologizing by thought, when it's not appropriate to contact someone, seems okay. I think they get the message.

bunny

[BlueTopaz]

I can also relate to everyone who mentioned feeling safe/sanctuary & peaceful anonymity in libraries.  

I understand where you are coming from. I want to send an email to my ex-partner (who now is married and lives in Europe) to explain where my *acting out* all came from and apologize for any pain I may have caused. It sounds like it helped you.

Does anyone on the board have any comments as to whether sending him an email would be a good idea or not? I've written it but I haven't sent it - because quite a bit of time has elapsed - and I don't want him to think that I am *dumping* on him.

Hiya Dawning….

I had the this feeling of deep guilt, shame, sadness, regret around the issue,  that I couldn't shake...  Don't know about you...    I just couldn't bear the thought that I could have hurt someone emotionally, so much like that...  

Because we were quite young (24) I was terrified that I'd changed who he was as a person.... by my behavior.

Particularly after experiencing a relationship with someone with strong N traits, where I was on the receiving end of unfair behavior (I know how terribly confusing, and hurtful it was), I am glad beyond words that I was able to do that with the person I used to date before X-N.

Even if I apologized, I still wondered if the relationship with X-N wasn't a bit of karma coming back to bite me!   Really, I think I was playing out both sides of a coin.   The aggressive one with the first relationship, and then the passive one with X-N.

Now, I'm hopefully (I think so) ready for a good balance!  

It was an easy decision for me because we have lived near one another for years, and still see and talk to one another quite a bit.   Knowing his mindset and what was going on in his life, I knew I could say what I wanted to, and it would be a positive thing for us both.   I also knew there was no woman in his life at the time, so it wouldn’t be something I had to consider either.   If we’d been estranged with zero contact for a long time, I think I would be wondering, just like you.

I would be thinking two things could happen...  That he would so greatly appreciate it, and be so glad for the healing words, or he hadn’t really given the whole thing much thought, moved on with his life, and was a bit surprised to hear from you with your perspective, and apology on things…  

The latter is not really a “bad” thing, hoping that he would at least be cordial in his reply.  I suppose it depends on the kind of person he is emotionally.

The best thing I can think to say on this one, is to think deeply on it, and go with your gut.  You know best exactly what went on during the relationship, what your rapport was like with him when things ended (cordial, hostile, open, closed, etc.), and what kind of person he is in general.  You might not even get a feeling either way until you actually write the e-mail & see the content (you can always not send it).  

I do strongly favor the idea of any kind of healing communication, and I tend to think that people almost always deeply appreciate something with genuine kind, and loving (non romantic of course in this case) energy behind it, but there are some times too, when a person is blinded by their unawareness, and their own negative energy overshadows the good intent of the other.

Again, I’d say trust your instincts on this one.

If it happens that you don’t send it, I really liked & believe in what Bunny said.  I think a strong, willful thought takes on a energy form that is indeed felt by the other person.

If you do send it & feel like updating, it would be great to know how it went.    I hope it could be a great, positive, and healing thing for your both.   That would be so wonderful.

Good luck

BT

[Anonymous]

Because we were quite young (24) I was terrified that I'd changed who he was as a person.... by my behavior.

I seriously doubt that you could change him as a person at age 24. But it seems like a good thing to make amends to him in the way you did.

I had a chance to see my high school boyfriend as an adult. In high school we had a very painful, dysfunctional romance. But we treated that as water under the bridge. I think people can realize that youthful behavior was just immature.

bunny

[BlueTopaz]

Hi Bunny,

Yessss... thankfully, you are right...  He is fine, and confident & strong these days!    

Though I think there is a dif. between immaturity, and ongoing emotional abuse, which shamefully, I think my continuous explosive acting out and emotional manipulation constituted.    

I kept thinking about Dr. Phil, and what he often says in his relationship series about how you change who someone is when you treat them a certain way.

I think even as adults, we can do that.   I think of how women (and men) in abusive relationships are widdled down to nothing esteem wise, identity wise...    They are changed, even as adults, by an ongoing abusive situations...

But I think you are right, that it is much more difficult to do, and happens less often as adults, than in formative years with a parent, where it can happen in an instant and make a much more profound change in that time...

I also think the base has to come from somewhere (childhood) or we'd have none of it from someone, as adults...

So, I guess the change first happens in childhood many times...

BT

[bunny]

Though I think there is a dif. between immaturity, and ongoing emotional abuse, which shamefully, I think my continuous explosive acting out and emotional manipulation constituted.    

Well, he stayed in the relationship while this was happening. I suppose he had some choice in the matter. Relationships are a two-way street. Usually the acting-out person is expressing the "victim's" repressed hostility and aggression as well as their own. So they serve an important purpose for the "victim" partner.

I kept thinking about Dr. Phil, and what he often says in his relationship series about how you change who someone is when you treat them a certain way.

Yes, people do condition each other in relationships. But it's not equivalent to the conditioning we received a long time ago.

bunny

[JPBill]

I'm 56 and still trying to understand what goes on inside sometimes. The cycle that repeats iteslf. Seems like from the moment I meet up with my N g/f, or ex as it stands now, I feel like I'm 7 again. Back then I don't recall thinking gosh i could use a hug, or some encouragement, well, maybe some acknowledgement. Maybe that's the deal. Just thought of that. Anyway, as soon as the conversation begins I feel myself slip into a mode of brooding and self-pity, because I can tell that once again it's going to be all about her. Whether it enters my mind or not, in the background sits all the past discouragement, frustration, loneliness..wanting her so much and yet knowing the truth, that I will only be with her on her terms, in her time, and for her gratification. So I do the only thing i can do so as not to invoke a fight..I brood. And hate myself, just seethe inside because I dont' have the spine to go and find reciprocal love. I get still more angry at the idea that I should take all the love I hae to give, and give it to myselt, because I am the only one who can love me in that way..rather than expect someone else to love me as I would want to be loved. So I brood on, or get on my motorbike and ride insanely. Or fantasize about whether the grocery clerk would love me, and might i be happy THEN? But I guess the biggest acting out has happened slowly over the last couple of years..by sitting here, watching my life fall apart, and not having the will to do any damage control. Then again, it's falling apart might be the first step toward putting it together, to work better than it did before. And maybe in the end my needs for validation/affection/nurturing either won't be a big deal, or will be gladly met by someone who really cares. Maybe me.

[OnlyMe]

I'm way behind in reading the postings lately, but this morning I am trying to figure out why I behave the way I do, sometimes, and I think it might be "acting out" - never thought of it that way before, so here goes :

I seem to have a short-circuit reaction sometimes, and yesterday it happened again.  I go from calm and grounded to hysterically angry and self-destructive in a flash, with nothing inbetween.  This is what happened, yesterday : my dear kind Husband has bought me a comfy leather chair so I can curl up and read in a room in the house that we are changing into my 'reading room' (there is that library/books/comfort feeling! me too).  I happily drew the room on graph paper, cut out all the furniture pieces and arranged them on paper, then showed him.  He said it looked great - and when I said that I'd leave it for him to see if he had another idea, and he said 'NO, it looks great just the way you have it' - I exploded.  I went from 'content' to 'self-destructive' in a flash.  We later tried to figure out what happened, and I guess I wanted him to spend more time looking at it, but I think the biggest thing is that I hate it when the first word I hear after I get the courage to speak is "No"....  I go from 'gentle' to 'furious' in a flash.  I have never thought of it as 'acting out' but it might be.
I have a feeling that it is a result of my NP's training : as a child, when I did or said anything that did not suit them, which included my facial expressions, the way I ate my food, the way I went to the bathroom - anything, they got angry with me, and the love was completely withdrawn,  and I had to try to earn their love again.  This happened every day - I had to earn their love fresh every morning, and most of the time, by just being 'me', I didn't earn it.  Since I never learned any 'coping mechanisms' I always felt that the greatest gift I could give my Nparents would be to rid them of me, to destroy myself.  When I would 'act out', they would tranquilize me with their leftover tranqs or spoonsful of brandy, etc, because I was 'bad' .  (by the way, I wasn't 'bad', just a moral, intelligent kid just trying to grow up.).  I learned to remain invisible and voiceless.  

Now, when I attempt to speak and hear the word 'No', I seem to fall back into that old learned pattern of feeling worthless, unloved, and I feel that the only way to make amends is to kill myself, thereby removing the cause of the anger.  I have been married for 25 yrs to the kindest man on earth, and he has saved my life a million times, just by never giving up on me, and seeing something in me worth loving.....
I need to change this short-circuit, and I guess it might be a form of acting out.  Thank God I know enough to not carry through in my self-destruction, and Thank God I know enough to save myself and understand that I was not the crazy one in the family, even though it feels that way, sometimes.  I fought hard to survive cancer a few years ago, and so clearly I have a strong will to live, so this 'acting out' seems to be a short-circuit reaction - I have a hunch that these childhood patterns are somehow etched into my thought process, and even though, intellectually, I know that my reaction is completely inappropriate, I do not seem to have the emotional tools to feel otherwise.
On the positive side, though, since my drs have treated me for 'severe childhood trauma and abuse' at the hands of my NParents, these episodes of mine are less frequent, and quickly pass.  I guess I was surprised at my reaction, for I thought that I was past that stage of healing.

I am upset, today, at the lingering damage that was done to me by my NParents,
and I am thankful, today, that I have a dear H who loves me, just the way I am,
and I am also thankful for this group.  I guess I have come a long way, but still have a long way to go.
Hugs, all.

[bunny]

OnlyMe,

What a great insight/epiphany. I hope you can put it into action, i.e., plan what you'll do next time you "go off." I have some big triggers, myself, that I had to work on, because I would overreact and expect my H to be okay with it. He wasn't!

Good work-
bunny

[katsy1t]

In my world, you didn't act out.  It would earn you a slap across the face.

It was much easier to go to the room, close the door, and get involved in a book.  I relate to those who found it easy to go to the Library.  It was a safe place, and the parents never barged in there.

[JPBill]

Thankyou Bunny, and Onlyme, for bringing something to mind for me. I've been on a bit of a witch-hunt lately, trying to understand what goes on between myself and my g/f. I have been using the N word to describe what I think I am seeing in her. Looking for a pile of evidence to convict her has led me far from where most of my focus should be..on me. I am the only person I can change or control. And I know that she has a personality that triggers lots of tension fear and shame in ME. So..what's with me? And why do the words trigger so much anger and resentment? And since they do, why do I stick around? I think as a child I learened to react amgrily from my alcoholic father. She had the same kind of experience, only worse I think. So here we have two who are ready to be hurt, and ready to retaliate. I guess what i'm saying is that maybe she's self centered and hot tempered..maybe I am too, and it's about degree, and maybe not so much full on ND. Maybe I should give us another chance, because, as for why I stick around..something inside me is telling me I need to learn the lessons now, or repeat the same stuff with the next person.

[OnlyMe]

In my world, you didn't act out.  It would earn you a slap across the face.

It was much easier to go to the room, close the door, and get involved in a book.  I relate to those who found it easy to go to the Library.  It was a safe place, and the parents never barged in there.

I only acted out in desperation, when I couldn't stay quiet a moment longer, and the punishment seemed worth it by that point.  (How horrible it was for us all.)

and Wow - you have verbalized a piece of my puzzle.  The Library was a safe place!  Every Saturday, as soon as I was old enough, I would get on a city bus from the suburbs and go downtown alone, to the main library, and lose myself there in floors and floors of books, safe, all day, then haul a huge bag of books home on the bus at the end of the day, so of course, then I'd have to return them the following saturday, and on and on....and I loved it there - and now you have hit the nail on the head as to Why? :  It was a safe place and the parents never barged in there!
I was not allowed to 'waste my eyes on fiction' at home, but at least I could read it at the Library!  
ps: eventually I started working in a library and books became my career as well - I always knew I loved libraries and books!  I buy oodles of them, and even if I never read them all, I just love having them around, like comfortable, safe, old friends.

*bunny~ Thank you - I hear you - I'll get a plan, and actually write it down and put it in my dresser drawer where I can grab it if I ever get that desperately frantic feeling again.  God willing, this time was the last, but just in case, I'll have a plan ready.

Huge thank you for 'being there' today and understanding .... whew.