I melted down in to utter worthlessness, today. Last night, I said Goodbye(in my own mind) to my parents, to being their D. I cried to God to lift me up as the Scripture says"When my M and F forsake me, the Lord will lift me up."
He promises and I take that promise on faith.
As far as the primal nature, I think about that all the time. I think what happened in abused people vs not abused people is that our N's USED our primal nature as a WEAPON against us to show us were bad. Then, we accepted this self concept, surrounded it with shame and tried to be perfect so no one would see our flawed self and hurt us again.
I know from talking to my Aunt that she is not blown away by her primal nature. My guitar teacher is not either. They accept primal feelings as human NOT bad. That,in a nutshell, is where I think *I* got off track. Ami
Don't you just love those melt downs? I cannot even count how many times I have melted down in the last few months, more than any other time in my life. As a matter of fact my melt downs are what led me back to this board. For me it is about shame, the agony of shame and the deep desires that never got fulfilled as a baby, the inner hunger for love and sweet affection, empathy, that went absent from my heart, mind and entire being as I was so abandoned in so many ways as a child.
Ami - my mom did not use my primal nature as a weapon against me, at times, when I was older, she used my defenses that were developed to withstand her assaults as weapons against me but as a small and helpless child my mom just ignored my needs because she was out of touch her her needs and too busy fulfilling her needs, if that makes sense?
My mom just could not empathize and was also so engaged in her own FOO stuff that she completely abandoned me when I needed someone the most. As a baby I was boring to my mom unless she could dress me up and take me somewhere to get attention. I was used. I was mistreated simply out of my mothers selfishness.
Ami - I have been trying to heal the wounds that a child takes in and takes on when they are left alone at the most sweet and tender of innocent ages, a baby. I try to imagine a little child in my soul that was pure, sweet, and innocent, so hungry and in need of love being denied that. It is sort of like hungry dogs, the more you starve them the more aggressive and distressed they become.
What is also so painful about this repressed wound of baby neglect is that you grow up with it as it morphs into self destructive behavior that leads to more shame and lonely isolation, what a vicious cycle of self contempt and contempt for a world that the baby in me perceived as being a black, dark ugly bully oppressing world.
So much aggression to heal, I'm so tired of healing aggression that never got expressed and instead was pushed into a cave of my unconscious because the world, my mom, denied my primal needs.
It just hurts...it is the cross again, Ami, the pain of the desert, the agony of feeling utterly defeated in this world and not by the world but by my very own self.
The good news is that I can go in and wrap my arms around myself and re-parent that child that just needed to be held and nurtured...God is my nurturer and holder, I just keep reaching for Him with all my heart and He just keeps showing up, more and more. It is the fulfilment of my childhood wish.
