Keeping this thread up and alive because my hunger wounds are still up and alive. I found it interesting that I put this thread away, stopped writing on it, exploring the deep wounds that writing this thread allowed to surface.
My putting away this thread of the question what is my hunger was symbolic of myself putting away the hungry child in me that was starved for affection and attention, ignoring her needs or just scratching the surface the way that my N mom just scratched the surface of my needs, she did just the bare minimun, enough to keep me alive. Somedays, that is exactly how I feel, that I am just doing the bare minimum of staying afloat in this world, denying my own needs. My N wounds are super tiny compared to a full blown N, I may act them out on a small scale of wanting to be accepted somewhere or received by someone, but in reality there is a double reality, the now and the past.
Sorting out which is which is hard especially when you are being denied in the now, my being denied in the now is triggering these deep wounds, again, of what it was like as a baby to be so violently ignored, my needs, all of me. The pain cuts like a knife. I've learned this pain over the years, I call it God's scalpel, if I stay with it long enough, cry the pain out, or better described, squeeze the tears of agony out of my heart then there will be relief. It is the death of my ego which I thought was almost gone but as I am finding it is still alive and kicking very well.
For the last two years I have been in these wounds, from time to time. For awhile I found the cross of affliction to be a relief rather than running from the pain. I would turn my whole being into my wounds, let them stab and bleed, cry and simply just hurt. I found rest at times and in those times of rest I could see changes in myself, grace pouring through giving me knew vision as well as helping me grow emotionally and spiritually.
These days I am battleling trauma supreme, current trauma and past traumas. At times the pain feel endless, the losses are huge. I'm hungry but I do not even know what for anymore. All I know is that it just hurts. At times there is a blackness that envelopes me, it is the blackness of my childhood neglect.
The pain and memories are what it was like to be a baby and left alone for hours and hours, days and weeks, denied love, real love, for if you have an N mother than you can never full take in real love, not as long as she is in your life, you breathe in her toxic air.
My heart is being circumcised, this pain is by far the worst of all pains that I have had to endure during the trials I have experienced over the last two years. I pray that if I stay with the pain, pray through the pain and fully embrace my inner child who is hungry for me to acknowledge her hunger then something will shift in me, again. My hope is that my ego will shift in down size.
When I first started this journey into my heart I was strong, but overtime I have weakend and wanted to stop. God gives me strength and periods of rest but then it starts all over again. The good news is that even though I feel regressed, at times, I can see progress. There is hope in me and some days that small spark of hope is the only thing that keeps me going deeper into the darkness.
Lise
